What are my options?

[Jonny80]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

She doesn't want to be with you.

Actions speak louder than words.

As for the reason, a lot of times a woman will NOT give a reason or sugar coat it, as to not draw the anger of a man that won't let go. 

Personally, I never cared what the reason was, when I got dumped, I'd shower up and get out there to try to find the next one.  I never sat on my couch for six weeks pining over a previous relationship or trying to figure out if I could have said or did something different.  The dent in my couch is big enough, no need to make it larger by trying to make sense out of something that has passed.

Some people say if you can move on that quickly then maybe You were never really In love.  It’s not healthy jumping from 1 relationship to another so quickly..

I had all my fun messing around when I was younger.   

[glows]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I was constantly working.. I either became happy in my own company or got lazy socially, I’m not sure. I just enjoyed working..  I can’t remember when but I lost interest in things I once loved doing…

being with her made life seem like it had more perpous. To give and do for someone else rather than just take care of ones self had meaning and it was rewarding..

Other than work now body relies or needs me for anything on a daily basis as a single person. My friends and family aren’t all hanging out together whilst I’m home alone.

 

I look at other peoples lives and there relationships and think they share there life together and do things together. 
 

iv lost my mojo, I’v lost the enthusiasm and creativity I once had. I just feel being single at 48 is a boring lonely life regardless of how many friends I have..

it’s nice for someone you love to want you etc..

I agree with you. But don't let it be the be all and end all. Find your own reasons to get up and get going each day. I think that's what makes a person attractive, by the way. You're more likely to find someone new when you're busy and interested in what's going on in your own life, not wishing on an old state of you that is outdated and stuck in the past. 

Go get your mojo back!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you are pining. Its ok to miss someone. Your "options" are to stop contacting her.

Try getting a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps.

You seem lonely and that is driving this nostalgia, even though it was a volatile relationship according to your earlier topic.

[ASG]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Some people say if you can move on that quickly then maybe You were never really In love.  It’s not healthy jumping from 1 relationship to another so quickly..

I had all my fun messing around when I was younger.   

Maybe she hasn't moved on YET, but she sure is working on it. 

It means nothing. Her saying she doesn't want to meet is very clear. She's over the relationship, even if not over you. But that will coe with time. 

She doesn't dislike you, so she hasn't blocked you, and is friendly towards you. 

However, I can guarantee that if you keep pestering her about meeting, she will distance herself more. As it is, I'm sure she sees no wrong in a message here and there. 

[Happy Lemming]

It appears you have an answer for everything, as you wish to justify your continued communication attempts with this woman.

So, keep doing what you are doing until the local authority serves you with an ex parte or protection/restraining order, because that is where this is going to end up.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Yes! If she didn’t care she’d of moved on but she hasn’t.  Doesn’t mean we'llget back together.. I thought she’d moved on so easily along time ago but she’s just admitted she hasnt.  I don’t even know why she wanted to end it. She never told me..

Go back and re-read your old threads.  The answer is there:  She wasn't happy with you and you weren't happy with her.    Many of us pointed out that those red flags were waving.   

Now, perhaps things have improved dramatically in the 3 months or so since you wrote last, but I doubt it had gotten to the stage of being a happy and content relationship. 

 

[Jonny80]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you are pining. Its ok to miss someone. Your "options" are to stop contacting her.

Try getting a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps.

You seem lonely and that is driving this nostalgia, even though it was a volatile relationship according to your earlier topic.

I have tried to follow everyone’s advice but there are days I feel so low I wish the floor would open up and swallow me…

Her being nice is like the person I first met, when relationships unfold that’s when she seem to change and become self destructive…

Iv had long hard days at work and felt fine but then there are days I wake up and miss her..   

I have tried very hard believe me, this feeling of grief is like kryptonite to superman..  it brings me to my knees,  I’m getting on with life and I’m extremely driven in my work but I still have this pain which brings me down….

Iv tried everything that everyone else has suggested and it didn’t help me..  me being here asking for help is huge for me..

in every day life I’m so driven and enthusiastic, I’m resilient and help others, i solve problems, nothing phases me…

add in the grieve from my past relationship and I’m totally broken at times and cant function at all..

I am trying believe me..

[glows]

It’s important not to have unrealistic expectations of yourself either. Your issue is remaining in contact with her and expecting to feel well. There’s no space or reprieve or opportunity to heal. 

The second difficulty is that you didn’t seem to cultivate interests outside of your work before she (your ex) ever entered the scene. Being single is so much harder like that. 

Are you short on time or very busy or just not wanting to explore or do things on your own? Life can’t just be all work?

[ExpatInItaly]

There is a reason people have had talks with you about going No Contact. 

You need to, or you will never move forward. 

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It’s important not to have unrealistic expectations of yourself either. Your issue is remaining in contact with her and expecting to feel well. There’s no space or reprieve or opportunity to heal. 

The second difficulty is that you didn’t seem to cultivate interests outside of your work before she (your ex) ever entered the scene. Being single is so much harder like that. 

Are you short on time or very busy or just not wanting to explore or do things on your own? Life can’t just be all work?

Life just passed me by, when I was younger. I used to work out, play football, go out to pubs and clubs with mates, as I got older my friends all got married and opportunities kinda dried up..

I’v always been a hard worker but when I met my ex work wasn’t my main priority..

Iv lost touch with the world, I don’t really know when it happened or why..

My job in its self is a lonely job as I’m on my own all day, I guess at times I feel lonely so being busy helps that..

it’s why I enjoyed being with my ex because I had a perpous.  My mates I grew up arnt out doing things together, most of them work and then spend time with there family.. I just thought this was part getting older..

I’m happy just being around people socialising but I still go home alone at the end of the night…. If my mates where out doing things I could join them but they just live normal lives with there partners..

feeling sad because I split from my ex makes it harder to be enthusiastic, I even bought an X box the other week…

Iv always struggled with lose all my life,  I’v had counselling in the past and they haven’t found any real deep problems, they said I’m just who I am and feel sensitive to certain aspects of life..

life is a chore for me right now..  one thing I know that would make me happy is being happy with my ex but her history with men says she’s not good news for men…. I made the mistake of believing her and thinking I could make her happy..

I know it’s sad but I remember telling my ex I’m happy when I’m busy..  my brothers are very hard working and my eldest brother constantly works to, it must be a DNA trait? 
 

all Iv ever wanted is my own family and my ex provided that with her 2 kids. I can’t just exchange her for a replacement like you would a new car..

The only reason I had contact with my ex was when I was missing her. I think we exchanged 4 messages in the past 3 months so it’s not like Iv been constantly living in each other’s pockets..

My family arnt the most supportive neither. I could phone them all and tell them I was suicidal and after 2 weeks none of them would of been in touch to see how I was doing.

I just don’t find peace in anything right now..

[Jonny80]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you are pining. Its ok to miss someone. Your "options" are to stop contacting her.

Try getting a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps.

You seem lonely and that is driving this nostalgia, even though it was a volatile relationship according to your earlier topic.

I don’t want to slate her, I only told you all about how she treated me so you knew what I was dealing with.  Iv realised myself.  She’s self destructive in relationships the problems she caused wasn’t a result of my life style.. it is her personality or her own deep down issues..    

I don’t really want to use internet dating, it’s not the healthiest place to be..  I’m just trying to be content again in my own life. If a person isn’t happy in life it’s going to be a struggle to attract someone that is…

I’ll hold my hands up, because the way my ex treated me I shouldn’t want anything to do with her but I’m just not the person fall out with people.

it’s not like she’s txting me every 5 mins wanting something,  she said she wanted to remain friends which I still think has anterior motive..   she’s just been polite and warm towards me when I have reached out to her.  Maybe she doesn’t realise it has a negative effect on me?

she said meeting for a drink isn’t a good idea because she’s upset me enough already but contacting me as a friend is ok?  How does she think ones any worse than the other if we were true friends?

[glows]

3 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Life just passed me by, when I was younger. I used to work out, play football, go out to pubs and clubs with mates, as I got older my friends all got married and opportunities kinda dried up..

I’v always been a hard worker but when I met my ex work wasn’t my main priority..

Iv lost touch with the world, I don’t really know when it happened or why..

My job in its self is a lonely job as I’m on my own all day, I guess at times I feel lonely so being busy helps that..

it’s why I enjoyed being with my ex because I had a perpous.  My mates I grew up arnt out doing things together, most of them work and then spend time with there family.. I just thought this was part getting older..

I’m happy just being around people socialising but I still go home alone at the end of the night…. If my mates where out doing things I could join them but they just live normal lives with there partners..

feeling sad because I split from my ex makes it harder to be enthusiastic, I even bought an X box the other week…

Iv always struggled with lose all my life,  I’v had counselling in the past and they haven’t found any real deep problems, they said I’m just who I am and feel sensitive to certain aspects of life..

life is a chore for me right now..  one thing I know that would make me happy is being happy with my ex but her history with men says she’s not good news for men…. I made the mistake of believing her and thinking I could make her happy..

I know it’s sad but I remember telling my ex I’m happy when I’m busy..  my brothers are very hard working and my eldest brother constantly works to, it must be a DNA trait? 
 

all Iv ever wanted is my own family and my ex provided that with her 2 kids. I can’t just exchange her for a replacement like you would a new car..

The only reason I had contact with my ex was when I was missing her. I think we exchanged 4 messages in the past 3 months so it’s not like Iv been constantly living in each other’s pockets..

My family arnt the most supportive neither. I could phone them all and tell them I was suicidal and after 2 weeks none of them would of been in touch to see how I was doing.

I just don’t find peace in anything right now..

Are you suicidal? There are local hotlines. Please call those instead if you need to talk to someone immediately. Also book an appointment with your doctor and describe your feelings of helplessness or suicidal thoughts. 

You’ll have to redo that thinking that a partner is your “purpose”. Making anyone your purpose in a relationship isn’t a very balanced or healthy approach. She may have at one time provided what you wanted in terms of a family but circumstances have changed. Mourn and grieve but accept when things have changed.

“Losing touch with the world” and not knowing how or why might be a good start finding a new purpose. 

Devoting oneself to work is not an unusual trait. Many people do it. The trick is to find balance in other areas also outside of work. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

she said meeting for a drink isn’t a good idea because she’s upset me enough already but contacting me as a friend is ok?  How does she think ones any worse than the other if we were true friends?

She isn’t really contacting you though, is she? 

You contacted her. She is being friendly in her replies, yes, but she’s not exactly trying to be buds with you. 

[Jonny80]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you suicidal? There are local hotlines. Please call those instead if you need to talk to someone immediately. Also book an appointment with your doctor and describe your feelings of helplessness or suicidal thoughts. 

You’ll have to redo that thinking that a partner is your “purpose”. Making anyone your purpose in a relationship isn’t a very balanced or healthy approach. She may have at one time provided what you wanted in terms of a family but circumstances have changed. Mourn and grieve but accept when things have changed.

“Losing touch with the world” and not knowing how or why might be a good start finding a new purpose. 

Devoting oneself to work is not an unusual trait. Many people do it. The trick is to find balance in other areas also outside of work. 

I’m happy to say I’m not suicidal although my overall feelings are rock bottom..  I just used it as an expression to describe my lack of support..

doctor would probably prescribe drugs which would make it hard to work with.. I may have to at this rate. I can’t continue this up and down feeling for much longer..

i understand better now why people advised me to go no contact and block her.. I was thinking I could handle this offer of friendship.   She’s definitely not offering it for my benefit but I’m not sure if she’s aware how it effects me. I don’t think she’s being selfish. She does still care even tho she’s not wanting to get back together..

I just wish I was strong enough to of walked away 3 months ago, maybe I’d feel better now.. and I guess that’s on my shoulders..

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She isn’t really contacting you though, is she? 

You contacted her. She is being friendly in her replies, yes, but she’s not exactly trying to be buds with you. 

Yea I know..  but equally she’s not being friends purely for my benefit..  she’s doesn’t understand how it’s effecting me..

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m happy to say I’m not suicidal although my overall feelings are rock bottom..  I just used it as an expression to describe my lack of support..

doctor would probably prescribe drugs which would make it hard to work with.. I may have to at this rate. I can’t continue this up and down feeling for much longer..

i understand better now why people advised me to go no contact and block her.. I was thinking I could handle this offer of friendship.   She’s definitely not offering it for my benefit but I’m not sure if she’s aware how it effects me. I don’t think she’s being selfish. She does still care even tho she’s not wanting to get back together..

I just wish I was strong enough to of walked away 3 months ago, maybe I’d feel better now.. and I guess that’s on my shoulders..

Don’t infer on what the doctor might do. Hear what it is exactly for yourself and then make a decision. One step at a time. He/she cannot force you to take the advice but seek it anyway so you’re better informed. Don’t be so stubborn as to keep telling yourself you have all the answers.  

The focus is now on you and healing, less on her. She has no interest in you in a relationship so you will have to do what you (or anyone in your situation) has to do to put your life back together. That does mean stopping yourself from reaching out to her and defining proper boundaries. If she ever reaches out request for privacy and not to contact you while you move forward. It’s inappropriate to keep contacting an ex hoping to get back together or depending on a friendship when you want something more out of it. 

Begin redefining things. See your doctor. Be open to resources from professionals  and begin thinking for yourself. Start from the ground up and redefine your purpose. 

[Jonny80]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t infer on what the doctor might do. Hear what it is exactly for yourself and then make a decision. One step at a time. He/she cannot force you to take the advice but seek it anyway so you’re better informed. Don’t be so stubborn as to keep telling yourself you have all the answers.  

The focus is now on you and healing, less on her. She has no interest in you in a relationship so you will have to do what you (or anyone in your situation) has to do to put your life back together. That does mean stopping yourself from reaching out to her and defining proper boundaries. If she ever reaches out request for privacy and not to contact you while you move forward. It’s inappropriate to keep contacting an ex hoping to get back together or depending on a friendship when you want something more out of it. 

Begin redefining things. See your doctor. Be open to resources from professionals  and begin thinking for yourself. Start from the ground up and redefine your purpose. 

Thank you,  I will take this action and take back control of my own self…

 

Unfortunately I got caught up in all this friendship waffle and thought it was her way of giving us a way back, maybe it is or isn’t I don’t know but she has been polite enough in telling me to keep moving forward..  just don’t see why she needed to tell me she hasn’t moved on her self yet..

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

.  she’s doesn’t understand how it’s effecting me..

It would be best if you see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Discuss your withdrawal, anxiety and depressive thoughts. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

An ex is not responsible for your mental health.

[glows]

29 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Thank you,  I will take this action and take back control of my own self…

 

Unfortunately I got caught up in all this friendship waffle and thought it was her way of giving us a way back, maybe it is or isn’t I don’t know but she has been polite enough in telling me to keep moving forward..  just don’t see why she needed to tell me she hasn’t moved on her self yet..

It’s because it’s not any of your business, to put it bluntly. Be kind to yourself. It’s hard when you’re going through it but open your eyes.

It’s time to pick yourself up and start taking care of yourself. Regardless of what the future holds, there is no longer any relationship with her. Come out of this limbo. 

Book an appointment with your doctor as a start. It’s the practice also of doing so and taking that action to begin caring for yourself better that matters.

[Jonny80]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s because it’s not any of your business, to put it bluntly.

What I mean is, she willingly told me last night she hadn’t moved on yet..  she didn’t  need to tell me that..

she never told me why we split up any way.
 

I don’t know why I got sucked into all this anyway.  I gave everything and got little in return. I’m led to believe they call it bread crumbs..  and Iv read about trauma bonding..  I still say she exhibited narcissistic traits..  why did I put up with it all.  People warned me after 2 months of being with her that her behaviour was wrong and would get worse..   I ignored all these signs and advice and I spent over a year investing into a relationship she made toxic..

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Yea I know..  but equally she’s not being friends purely for my benefit..  she’s doesn’t understand how it’s effecting me..

It's not her repsonsibility to manage your feelings. 

You need to help yourself now, and stop contacting her. 

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, glows said:

It’s because it’s not any of your business, to put it bluntly. Be kind to yourself. It’s hard when you’re going through it but open your eyes.

It’s time to pick yourself up and start taking care of yourself. Regardless of what the future holds, there is no longer any relationship with her. Come out of this limbo. 

Book an appointment with your doctor as a start. It’s the practice also of doing so and taking that action to begin caring for yourself better that matters.

Iv spoken to the doctor and explained everything, they agree I’m a victim of an abusive relationship and need help based on my current state of mind..

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

i understand better now why people advised me to go no contact and block her..

I just wish I was strong enough to of walked away 3 months ago, maybe I’d feel better now.. and I guess that’s on my shoulders..

We've all made mistakes.  One of my biggest regrets in life was "begging" this woman to come back to me, and holding out hope that she would.  I wasted a couple of months waiting and sitting on my couch hoping the phone would ring. 

In addition, its very debilitating to keep wishing and hoping.  I started thinking "What if I said this or what if I do that"... this process filled too much of my thought process and I was thinking and worrying about something outside of my control.

That is why I adopted a policy of "go out" when I get dumped.  Get out of the house, go get a beer and a steak, watch the local sports team at your local pub, anything to get out of the house and fill my brain with other thoughts.  Give my poor brain a break from the madness of a failed relationship.

[Jonny80]

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

We've all made mistakes.  One of my biggest regrets in life was "begging" this woman to come back to me, and holding out hope that she would.  I wasted a couple of months waiting and sitting on my couch hoping the phone would ring. 

In addition, its very debilitating to keep wishing and hoping.  I started thinking "What if I said this or what if I do that"... this process filled too much of my thought process and I was thinking and worrying about something outside of my control.

That is why I adopted a policy of "go out" when I get dumped.  Get out of the house, go get a beer and a steak, watch the local sports team at your local pub, anything to get out of the house and fill my brain with other thoughts.  Give my poor brain a break from the madness of a failed relationship.

Yes I agree..

because Also when we were together she was abusive, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, bread crumming, and she started getting verbally aggressive and physically aggressive by the end…

I used to blame myself for her actions, and even now I still think what if this or that..

Iv spoken to 2 health professionals today and they both say I was a victim of abuse….  Iv tried to deny it for so long and make excuses for her behaviour..  

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Yes I agree..

because Also when we were together she was abusive, controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, bread crumming, and she started getting verbally aggressive and physically aggressive by the end…

I used to blame myself for her actions, and even now I still think what if this or that..

Iv spoken to 2 health professionals today and they both say I was a victim of abuse….  Iv tried to deny it for so long and make excuses for her behaviour..  

i'm glad to hear you're beginning to see a little bit of help and seeing some of the negatives that you weren't facing.  and i'll tell you, even if a doc gives you some anti depressants, they work wonders.  that's why they were invented, to help your brain feel at ease in times like this.  there's no shame in admitting you need help.