ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2022 Share Posted January 26, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Jonny80 said: v spoken to 2 health professionals today and they both say I was a victim of abuse…. Iv tried to deny it for so long and make excuses for her behaviour.. Have they recommended a course of action / treatment now, for you? Edited January 26, 2022 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 27, 2022 Author Share Posted January 27, 2022 20 hours ago, flitzanu said: i'm glad to hear you're beginning to see a little bit of help and seeing some of the negatives that you weren't facing. and i'll tell you, even if a doc gives you some anti depressants, they work wonders. that's why they were invented, to help your brain feel at ease in times like this. there's no shame in admitting you need help. Yes I definitely need some help, it’s why I came here too, I just wish I could of listened a lot sooner and got away from this relationship on my terms instead of ending up pleading with her to tell me what I did so wrong, I don’t want to run her down to much but she’s definitely the cause of her own downfall in relationships because she lacks respect for her partners feelings.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 27, 2022 Author Share Posted January 27, 2022 19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have they recommended a course of action / treatment now, for you? Yes I will receive counselling from a males victim group and they also prescribed anti depressants ☺️ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 27, 2022 Author Share Posted January 27, 2022 Huge thank you to everyone who helped me… my only disappointment is I didn’t act sooner and get out of this toxic relationship.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 1 hour ago, Jonny80 said: my only disappointment is I didn’t act sooner and get out of this toxic relationship.. Well now you've learned, when things start feeling this way again (toxic) you'll get out sooner rather than later. It's OK... You'll be better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 4 hours ago, Jonny80 said: Yes I will receive counselling from a males victim group and they also prescribed anti depressants ☺️ That's great. I think once you are able to gain true distance fromt this and clarity on how much of a dead-end this relationship turned into, you will wonder why you were so hung up on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 28, 2022 Author Share Posted January 28, 2022 19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's great. I think once you are able to gain true distance fromt this and clarity on how much of a dead-end this relationship turned into, you will wonder why you were so hung up on her. Yes I think once I’m over it I will realise she was like a led weight strapped to my angles in water.. people did warn me 2 months into the relationship she was mistreating me.. this is where her gaslighting made me feel like it was me so I kept putting up with her shocking avusuve behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 16 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: Yes I think once I’m over it I will realise she was like a led weight strapped to my angles in water.. people did warn me 2 months into the relationship she was mistreating me.. this is where her gaslighting made me feel like it was me so I kept putting up with her shocking abusive behaviour. It happened to me, too. I felt I was strong enough to handle the situation and come out relatively unscathed. I didn't. It has caused some long-term issues with trust, etc. Take care of yourself and moving forward, be sure the acknowledge the red flags that you ignored in the past. You'll be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 30, 2022 Author Share Posted January 30, 2022 Just a quick question… Relationships can end for a wide variety of reasons etc but take my situation for example, How can some people claim to be in love, treat there partners in toxic ways such, as Controlling, manipulation, gaslighting, anger and aggression yet they are unable to see any wrong doing in there behaviour or take responsibility? If you keep poking a dog with a stick and one day it bites you, you can’t really blame the dog.. or if you’re a bully and you keep bullying someone and one day they turn on you it’s there own fault. my ex was apparently abused by her 2 ex’s she has kids with and was put in hospital twice, one of her ex’s has a criminal record for it… I know he calls my ex a psycho after being with my ex she appears the unstable one with anger issues etc, I had to get in my car several times and walk away from a one sided argument that was aggressive just to defuse the situation. Telling her to calm down down made her worse.. It was almost child like reactions, they get told no or they don’t get there way and they fly off the handle, her 2 children acted exactly the same.. or when she was talking about sex with another man and I said I’m not happy. She accuses me of being a horrible jealous person.. with all the control and manipulation not to mention gaslighting, I still carry around so much blame on my shoulders for her actions as if my actions made her the way she was, but deep down I believe she’s self destructive and she ruined what we had by her actions… I’m still awaiting the appointment to speak with the appropriate professionals.. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 (edited) 50 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: Just a quick question… Relationships can end for a wide variety of reasons etc but take my situation for example, How can some people claim to be in love, treat there partners in toxic ways such, as Controlling, manipulation, gaslighting, anger and aggression yet they are unable to see any wrong doing in there behaviour or take responsibility? If you keep poking a dog with a stick and one day it bites you, you can’t really blame the dog.. or if you’re a bully and you keep bullying someone and one day they turn on you it’s there own fault. my ex was apparently abused by her 2 ex’s she has kids with and was put in hospital twice, one of her ex’s has a criminal record for it… I know he calls my ex a psycho after being with my ex she appears the unstable one with anger issues etc, I had to get in my car several times and walk away from a one sided argument that was aggressive just to defuse the situation. Telling her to calm down down made her worse.. It was almost child like reactions, they get told no or they don’t get there way and they fly off the handle, her 2 children acted exactly the same.. or when she was talking about sex with another man and I said I’m not happy. She accuses me of being a horrible jealous person.. with all the control and manipulation not to mention gaslighting, I still carry around so much blame on my shoulders for her actions as if my actions made her the way she was, but deep down I believe she’s self destructive and she ruined what we had by her actions… I’m still awaiting the appointment to speak with the appropriate professionals.. The fact that someone loves you does not necessarily mean they have the tools to be a good and respectful partner. With the exception of mental illness or brain injury, people are generally a product of their environment and experiences. And even then, mental illness can be hereditary so behaviour can be both a product of the environment and have a psychological cause. Perhaps she was raised in a dysfunctional environment and she thinks this is normal. Perhaps she was never taught how to resolve conflict (see bolded - is she raising her kids like she was raised?). Perhaps there was an abusive boyfriend and she thought what he did was in the realms of normal (see bolded). Regarding her not calming down, I can only quote the meme which does the rounds of the internet: Never in the history of calm down has anyone ever calmed down after being told to calm down. Seriously, it's about the most unhelpful thing you could say to someone who's lost control and she is not at fault for not being able to calm down when you tell her to. Edited January 30, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted January 30, 2022 Author Share Posted January 30, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: With the exception of mental illness or brain injury, people are generally a product of their environment and experiences. And even then, mental illness can be hereditary so behaviour can be both a product of the environment and have a psychological cause. Perhaps she was raised in a dysfunctional environment and she thinks this is normal. Perhaps she was never taught how to resolve conflict (see bolded - is she raising her kids like she was raised?). Perhaps there was an abusive boyfriend and she thought what he did was in the realms of normal (see bolded). Regarding her not calming down, I can only quote the meme which does the rounds of the internet: Never in the history of calm down has anyone ever calmed down after being told to calm down. Seriously, it's about the most unhelpful thing you could say to someone who's lost control and she is not at fault for not being able to calm down when you tell her to. I don’t know exactly what happened to her as a child but I know there some kind of issues with her real mother because I think she mainly got brought up by her dad and and step mother, her dad a lovely placid person, her step mother is very bossy and opinionated and woukdnt of allowed the children to step out of line.. the thing out side of our relationship she doesn’t show empathy and help people, it just seems in side a relationship she seems to be destructive, she twists words and sentences to make her seem like the victim and acts as if no one ever helps her which is untrue.. she brutally brash and doesn’t hold back when it comes to telling someone somthing she does doesn’t like, she doesn’t care if her words offend, her opinion is if she offends someone then there problem.. yet in the same context if someone said the same to her it would be the end of the world… there was no winning.. When I realised the words calm down had a negative effect I was either her punch bag or I left and went home, she would never grasp the fact I didn’t want to be shouted and sworn at just for somthing as little as having a different opinion.. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 1 hour ago, Jonny80 said: I don’t know exactly what happened to her as a child but I know there some kind of issues with her real mother because I think she mainly got brought up by her dad and and step mother, her dad a lovely placid person, her step mother is very bossy and opinionated and woukdnt of allowed the children to step out of line.. Yeah and we've got even less idea than you as to what happened to her. But my main point is that people can genuinely feel love, but not have the skills to be a good partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 5 hours ago, Jonny80 said: ,How can some people claim to be in love, treat there partners in toxic ways such, as Controlling, manipulation, gaslighting, anger and aggression yet they are unable to see any wrong doing in there behaviour or take responsibility? Whatever mental health issues she has is not your problem. Trying to apply logic to someone this damaged won't work. Focus solely on your own physical and mental health and following up with a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Link to post Share on other sites
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