Covid and relationships

[KelliM1969]

Hi,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.  We are on opposite ends of the fence when it comes to vaccinations and Covid-19.  I respect his wishes to not get vaccinated and I think he respects mine that I am vaxxed and boosted.  Anyhow, 10 days ago he showed symptoms of Covid and naturally he was positive.  I was with him prior to the onset of symptoms and the day his symptoms started. 

So, I went back to my house and told him I'd see him in 10 days. I wasn't sure if I would get it or not and wanted to remain away from others as much as I could and masked up when I left the house.  I had two negative tests. 

He made it through covid pretty easily and was negative and symptom free this past Friday.  Well, I decided that I wanted to keep away from him yet and didn't want to go out to any bars until I knew for sure that I would remain symptom free regardless of my negative status. 

Anyhow, he sent me a text last night telling me to never do that to him again, not see him for that long of a time. I was sort of flabbergasted, like did he want me to remain with him and get sick?? I told him that I would do it again if he or I contacted covid and he said that wasn't the response he was looking for.  That I could get covid anywhere, just by touching a surface, etc. and that I shouldn't live in fear.  LOL! All I did was isolate for 10 days. 

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow, but I am so upset at his attitude, then when I got mad, he said I can't believe that you are this mad about someone wanting to see you and asked me if there was something else wrong. 

Again, all I did was isolate for 10 days, I certainly didn't want covid and I didn't want to give it to anyone else. Now, I have to re-think ever living with this person.

What are your thoughts? Since he made it through covid so easily now he is saying that I could to if I ever got it, like really? this affects everyone differently.  I just think he is selfish.

Edited January 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[glows]

I read this "he sent me a text last night telling me to never do that to him again, not see him for that long of a time" as his way of telling you he missed you, not to order you around or tell you what to do about isolating yourself. It was poorly worded and perhaps the meaning was lost over text.

Things escalated when he started telling you how to feel. "that I shouldn't live in fear" which worsens anyone's anxiety if there's anxiety over the subject. 

Go back to the reasons why you're with one another and that respect you have for one another. Clear the air and talk it out without telling the other how to feel.

[KelliM1969]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

I read this "he sent me a text last night telling me to never do that to him again, not see him for that long of a time" as his way of telling you he missed you, not to order you around or tell you what to do about isolating yourself. It was poorly worded and perhaps the meaning was lost over text.

Things escalated when he started telling you how to feel. "that I shouldn't live in fear" which worsens anyone's anxiety if there's anxiety over the subject. 

Go back to the reasons why you're with one another and that respect you have for one another. Clear the air and talk it out without telling the other how to feel.

Yeah, I did take it so very wrong after seeing what your thoughts were, it most likely was him just telling me that he missed me.  Worded wrong of course.  He should have just called.

[Alpacalia]

I understand not wanting to risk infection from Covid-19 rather than if he became ill with a cold or something similar. That being said, it appears that your boyfriend was upset because he thinks you aren't present when he is ill. It is important, however, that he understands it's reasonable that you don't want to risk infection.

If I had gotten sick with Covid, my father, for example (since I'm not in a relationship), would be there for me. On the other hand, I'd rather not have him be too close because I don't want to put him at risk of getting sick. As well, if he had Covid, I would want to be there for him to take care of him, but he would not want me to because he wouldn't want to risk me getting sick.

So, what to do? There are other ways you can help him, such as going grocery shopping for him (maybe online if you're worried that you have Covid). Just using that as an example.

Or, ask if there's other ways you can help.

That kind of thing. 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

6 minutes ago, KelliM1969 said:

Yeah, I did take it so very wrong after seeing what your thoughts were, it most likely was him just telling me that he missed me.  Worded wrong of course.  He should have just called.

You can call him yourself and clear the air. 

I'd express somewhere in there that you miss him too but his comments about how to feel about Covid in general didn't feel good to you. "I didn't feel too good when you told me I shouldn't live in fear". Then reinforce that you understand what he's saying as well and his point of view and respect his thoughts.

That's enforcing your boundaries and respect when you differ with one another. Focus more on "I" statements not "you" as in "you shouldn't live in fear". He might say instead "I don't live in fear because of x,y,z". You both need to work a little more on that communication to establish more respect when you share with one another your different views otherwise conversations become quickly unpleasant.

[Happy Lemming]

So getting his way and being able to see you is more important to him than your life??

Keep in mind people are still being hospitalized and dying from Covid-19.

You are correct, he is being selfish.

[KelliM1969]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

You can call him yourself and clear the air. 

I'd express somewhere in there that you miss him too but his comments about how to feel about Covid in general didn't feel good to you. "I didn't feel too good when you told me I shouldn't live in fear". Then reinforce that you understand what he's saying as well and his point of view and respect his thoughts.

That's enforcing your boundaries and respect when you differ with one another. Focus more on "I" statements not "you" as in "you shouldn't live in fear". He might say instead "I don't live in fear because of x,y,z". You both need to work a little more on that communication to establish more respect when you share with one another your different views otherwise conversations become quickly unpleasant.

Thank you! I agree!

[KelliM1969]

19 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

So getting his way and being able to see you is more important to him than your life??

Keep in mind people are still being hospitalized and dying from Covid-19.

You are correct, he is being selfish.

That's what I took it as and maybe he just meant he missed me but we are going to have a conversation later on about this and get clear.  When people get covid and get through it easily, I love to see that, but, it clouds their judgement as to how serious this could be for others.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KelliM1969 said:

he sent me a text last night telling me to never do that to him again, not see him for that long of a time. I was sort of flabbergasted, like did he want me to remain with him and get sick?  I just think he is selfish.

Agree. He's selfish and you're incompatible. He took his chances and contracted Covid. You're not his personal nurse.

And you took all the correct steps keeping your distance, being conscientious about your health and staying healthy and keeping your community healthy.

If he wants to believe misinformation that's fine. Even having Covid didn't help him change his views. Particularly that you should risk your health for his comfort.

Perhaps this issue brought other attitudes and incompatibilities to the fore.

Edited January 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

40 minutes ago, KelliM1969 said:

That's what I took it as and maybe he just meant he missed me but we are going to have a conversation later on about this and get clear.  When people get covid and get through it easily, I love to see that, but, it clouds their judgement as to how serious this could be for others.  

Then convey this part to him and express that to him. He may or may not learn to see that his views are selfish. If he's still obstinate and insensitive towards your views or others then you know this isn't working. You've been dating a year so now is absolutely the time to get clear on anything that you disagree with and not try to downplay issues or concerns with each other. 

I doubt you want to be five or ten years in and still resentful of the way you both disagree on certain topics. 

[KelliM1969]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Then convey this part to him and express that to him. He may or may not learn to see that his views are selfish. If he's still obstinate and insensitive towards your views or others then you know this isn't working. You've been dating a year so now is absolutely the time to get clear on anything that you disagree with and not try to downplay issues or concerns with each other. 

I doubt you want to be five or ten years in and still resentful of the way you both disagree on certain topics. 

Yep, we have been having this discussion for the last 10 days and he just doesn't get my point of view.  It is definitely a cause for concern for me.  He is looking at this as I punished him for not seeing him for so long, lol. um, you had a highly contagious disease.  

[ShyViolet]

Are you kidding?  He sounds absolutely selfish, uneducated and ignorant about covid, not to mention controlling.  How on earth has he gotten through the last two years without learning the basics about Covid?  Yes it IS a big deal.  If he told me to "never do that again", that would be my cue to DUMP him.  I can't imagine staying with someone who acts like this.

[FMW]

FWIW, I would have taken it the way you did.  "Never do that to *me* again" comes off as a command, no matter what other sentiment might actually be behind it.  It's saying (to me) you did something wrong, that you inflicted an injury against him for no good reason.  Sometimes the way we say things reveal more than we realize.  To me, it reveals selfishness.  

I've been fortunate so far to have either not gotten it, or to have been asymptomatic if I ever have had it.  But if I had symptoms and certainly if tested positive I would not expose someone I loved.  I would hate being away from my guy, but I would hate even more exposing him to the virus.  

If this is something you can overlook, great.  But if not, don't feel bad about considering your options.  

[KelliM1969]

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you kidding?  He sounds absolutely selfish, uneducated and ignorant about covid, not to mention controlling.  How on earth has he gotten through the last two years without learning the basics about Covid?  Yes it IS a big deal.  If he told me to "never do that again", that would be my cue to DUMP him.  I can't imagine staying with someone who acts like this.

I know, we haven't really clashed about his views and mine until he got it and doesn't understand how I could not see him for 10 days lol.  good god. I know, I doubt I will be.

[Alpacalia]

Well, OP,  you've recognized and said yourself that he's selfish.

If that's not the kind of person you want or think that talking to him is futile then there's really not much more to do.

Going on and on about his selfishness more so than hoping him a speedy recovery won't help things.

[basil67]

I also interpret his words as being accusatory.   And you were simply following recommended advice to keep yourselves and others safe.   

Given that COVID looks like it will be with us for some time, this situation will happen again in the future.  If you were living together, would he isolate himself in a bedroom like we are supposed to do?   Probably not.  I think you have some decisions to make.

[poppyfields]

I am not discounting the other responses, they're all 100% valid, BUT maybe cut him some slack this time; COVID has got everyone on edge, especially now with all these new variants.  I just recovered myself and I am still super nervous and anxious, and at time haven't been myself.

Not excusing his behavior and certainly his "don't ever do that to me again" could have been worded better, but I dunno as I said COVID is a monster, and affecting everyone differently -- mentally, emotionally and physically.

So if the relationship is important to you and everything else has been going well up until this, could you try and let it go and move forward from here?  View it as a one-off?

I would, again assuming everything was going well up to this incident.  It's COVID, a monster virus, it's affecting everyone whether they've contracted the actual virus or not.

Good luck whatever you decide, stay healthy!

 

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, KelliM1969 said:

Yep, we have been having this discussion for the last 10 days and he just doesn't get my point of view.  It is definitely a cause for concern for me.  He is looking at this as I punished him for not seeing him for so long, lol. um, you had a highly contagious disease.  

Then don't explain anymore. Agree to disagree and go your separate ways. This seems tiresome. You're accusing him of being selfish and he also thinks you're selfish in another way, withholding affection. Neither of you are getting anywhere and arguing over something for ten days. There is so much contempt and disrespect for one another.

I don't know about you but I just do not have that kind of stamina or energy to go on with someone. If we don't see eye to eye on fundamental issues like care or consideration for each other, there's nothing left to discuss.

[hajk]

@KelliM1969 is this the same guy in your previous thread?

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by hajk

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, KelliM1969 said:

Yep, we have been having this discussion for the last 10 days and he just doesn't get my point of view.  It is definitely a cause for concern for me.  He is looking at this as I punished him for not seeing him for so long, lol. um, you had a highly contagious disease.  

This would be a dealbreaker if I was in your shoes. Already quite remarkable that you two have the differing views about the pandemic, vaccinations and such, congratulations for managing that pretty well it seems like. But then when he actually caught it and some of the issues surrounding covid and the pandemic came to the forefront and in real time for the two of you, the differing approaches to it were front and center. I think he should be looking out for you--like someone who loves you! Trying to use an example without turning this into a covid&vaccinations thread: imagine he had a flu, he should be wanting to isolate from you anyway so you don't catch the flu. So you don't miss work or other special things coming up in your life rather than him being selfish and wanting you around where you will 99% catch the flu. 

I'd actually be sort of grateful that this stuff came to the surface even though it might not feel like it. I would break up with him. It'd be a dealbreaker. It's just highlighting both extreme differing values in your approach to life (you can even remove the covid part) as well as exposing him as someone who puts his trivial needs above your real life needs and concerns.  In just a traditional sort of man-woman dynamic, doesn't he want to be your protector?

Good luck. I'd walk away😊

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, KelliM1969 said:

He made it through covid pretty easily and was negative and symptom free this past Friday.  Well, I decided that I wanted to keep away from him...

KelliM, please correct me if I misinterpreted this^ but my take is he was upset because even though he had recovered, tested negative and was symptom free you still did not want to see him?

Again I may be missing something, but I think I might be upset if my boyfriend didn't wish to see me after I had recovered and we had not seen each other in the ten days prior.

If this is the case, then perhaps you should break up, your feelings aren't where they should be imo. 

He senses this also and that is why he is upset.
 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[KelliM1969]

1 hour ago, hajk said:

@KelliM1969 is this the same guy in your previous thread?

 

 

Yes, unfortunately, I know I'm a fool to still be in a relationship with him.

[KelliM1969]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

KelliM, please correct me if I misinterpreted this^ but my take is he was upset because even though he had recovered, tested negative and was symptom free you still did not want to see him?

Again I may be missing something, but I think I might be upset if my boyfriend didn't wish to see me after I had recovered and we had not seen each other in the ten days prior.

If this is the case, then perhaps you should break up, your feelings aren't where they should be imo. 

He senses this also and that is why he is upset.
 

 

He tested negative on a Friday, I decided to still stay home because it had not yet been 10 days since I was exposed and was afraid to possibly pass it on to others.  His doctor told him he could go back to work on Monday, so, I was going to see him Monday until he started these text messages.  A few more days until I was comfortable isn't that big of a deal.  He took an at home test which are known to not be always correct.  

[KelliM1969]

1 hour ago, hajk said:

@KelliM1969 is this the same guy in your previous thread?

 

 

Yes, unfortunately

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, KelliM1969 said:

He tested negative on a Friday, I decided to still stay home because it had not yet been 10 days since I was exposed and was afraid to possibly pass it on to others.  His doctor told him he could go back to work on Monday, so, I was going to see him Monday until he started these text messages.  A few more days until I was comfortable isn't that big of a deal.  He took an at home test which are known to not be always correct.  

Fair enough but (and again just my take) you know where all those angry texts came from don't you?  He was hurt.  And as others said, he missed you.

I do see your point, but I see his also.

You had not seen each other in 10 days, he had recovered and tested negative.  You were all vaxxed up and boosted but yet you still didn't wish to see him.

I don't know your history together, but if you want out of this relationship KelliM, just end it.   You don't need to create a reason.

But If you truly love him and want things to work out, maybe try to see his side and let it go?     I don't think his anger is coming from a malicious place, as I said in my first post, COVID is a monster and has everyone anxious, on edge and overly-sensitive where they normally would not be.

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by poppyfields