I cheated on my wife is there a chance I can ever get her back. I love her.

[Italian Muse]

I am not making any excuses and I take all the blame. Im utterly disgusted with myself.  I hate myself for what I have done to my wife.

 My wife is an angel.  She's perfect. She deserves the best. I know I truly screwed up. My wife caught me in bed with her closest friend. The affair lasted three months. I thought I was falling for the other woman. I cannot tell you why I did what I did. I was physically attracted to this woman. She's beautiful.  She was attracted to me.  It started with her babysitting our baby boy. I'm a ER physician and my wife is working on her PhD.  She was the best to care for him. She did so in our home. 

 When my wife caught us. We were in bed in the guest room. My son was asleep in his crib. I came home early from my shift. It was a mistake.  I was feeling guilt. The lying to my wife, the betrayal. I told her that I wanted to end it and I had to tell my wife, she broke down and was saying she loved me etc. I was stupid and weak. No excuse. 

 Nedless to say, all hell broke lose and she kicked me out. Its been a month. I have been trying everything in my power to make this up to her. I cant lose her. She mentioned divorce and I have been in a bad place. I send her flowers and dinner, and I have respected her space. 

 We have spoken, I have been completely transparent with her. I told her EVERYTHING  the whole truth. She's broken. She's so thin and she's avoiding me. She let's me visit my baby but she barely speaks. My family they're disgusted and disappointed in me.  

 I found out that she had dinner with another man and I lost my s***. I confronted him. I  ended up drinking and I know I deserve whatever I get, but the jealousy is eating me up. I have sent her letters and flowers begging her to please, please dont file for a divorce.  I went to her work, and I just wanted to see her, to talk,  take her to lunch. She told the security I am stalking her. I'm no longer allowed at the building.  She leaves our son with my parents so I can visit.  She seems to hate me. 

 I  am worried about her.  She's very depressed and I just need to know what the hell I have to do, so she will speak to me. Maybe marriage counseling when she's ready. I will do anything.  I cant lose her. 

 We had a good marriage I know I will never find another woman as wonderful as her. I own all this, I am not looking for sympathy.  I  am losing my mind. I have been talking to a counselor and it's not helping me.  He seems to be steering me to try and accept that I've lost her. To let her go. But I cant. I won't. 

 I sent her a text, I want to come home. I am sick of living in a hotel. I miss my son. I miss her. Will live in the guest house. Whatever. I can't be in limbo. But I refuse to lose my wife. 

She works but is studying more than she works, so she needs my financial support. I dont want to anger her more, or pressure her. So I am trying to tread lightly here. How can I convince her to speak to me. I cant keep living without her and my son. I dont want her to keep seeing this other man. What can I do? I have been giving her time and space. I did come in heavy, demanding to see her, showing up at all times of night. I have laid back.

 I will financially support her, but I need us to work on our marriage.  I've never cheated on her before. I've always been open and honest with her.  I will do whatever it takes. 

I need some advice. I need a fresh perspective.  I am overthinking because I'm overwhelmed. Thank You in advance. 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

She told the security I am stalking her. I'm no longer allowed at the building.  She leaves our son with my parents so I can visit.  She seems to hate me. She works but is studying more than she works, so she needs my financial support.

When she files for divorce you'll have to pay alimony in addition to child support.

It sounds like she has already consulted an attorney. It's possible she filed a restraining or due to you "losing your ship"

Your assets will be divided and she will probably file for full custody with supervised visitation, which is how she is arranging it now.

Sorry this does not seem salvageable..

[Estes]

You'll need to accept that your current situation is the next chapter in what will be a very different life than you ever expected.

The sooner, the better off you will be.

Your post is filled with everything that you want or don't want.

It's little to nothing to do with the best interests of your wife and what she wants.

Think about that. If there's even a remote chance she'll give you another chance, you need to make it less about you and more about her A lot more.

 

[glows]

So what caused you to start seeing or sleeping with another woman or falling for the other woman if the marriage was so good? 

I ask to dig a little deeper into where your thoughts are about the affair. And don't say "you cannot tell" why you did what you did. The answers may be too painful because it also recognizes that the marriage wasn't as fulfilling to you as you'd have hoped. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Oof.  With her best friend, in your home?  That goes way beyond your run-of-the-mill affair.

Your post comes across incredibly agitated and desperate.  I can feel the fear in your words.

If you have any chance of reconciling you need to respect her need for time and space. Don't show up at her work and threaten whom she sees - again you're making this ALL ABOUT YOU which is exactly what the affair was.  All about YOU.  

In order to save your marriage you need to be ready to lose it.  Respect her space and her decision if she decides she can't forgive you for this massive betrayal.  You say you don't know why you did this and that you thought you were falling for this other woman - before you can even trust yourself again you need to get to the root of why.

[Atwood]

Keep seeing a therapist and become more curious about what you need to do to practice some radical acceptance. I know this is hard, but you're dealing with the consequences of your own actions. Whether or not you lose her is entirely up to her. If you love her and think she's an angel, do you honestly think she deserves to put her trust in you after you broke it so casually in your marital home with your baby in the other room? 

 

Take a step back. Give yourself time to slow down and consider all that has happened. You are understandably consumed with your own guilt and sadness, but you caused it with your infidelity. Your wife is having to grieve her marriage, the person she thought you were, her ability to trust, her whole life she envisaged, having a baby with a cheater, for something she did not do. 

I have no idea if she'll ever patch things up with you and frankly I wouldn't be doing any patching up after a betrayal like this but the absolute best thing you can be doing now is ensure she has the space and support she needs. Be a present parent when needed and manage any forthcoming paperwork swiftly without adding extra stress and burden on her. 

You keep saying "I can't lose her". Accept this is not your decision. This is not about you and how you feel because you're the instigator of the damage. In therapy, it absolutely can be all about you and what you need and I realise this is just a forum post and of course you will be focusing on how you're feeling but remember that what you need is not the priority in this situation. The priority is your son and your wife recovering from this blindsiding blow. Respect and foster that. She will have no interest in talking to you as long as you make it all about how bad you feel so save that and do what you need to do to ease the burden of what you have caused.

[Italian Muse]

I do agree with what everyone is saying. I do not mean to make it all about me. I know what she needs. I just wish she would speak to me. She told my sister, I scare her. That my behaviour is off!!??

 I haven't given her any reason to say this!a few days back after I found out about this, guy, taking her to dinner. I did confront him. I was angry. he knows she's married and he's making moves on her. Idid raise my voice. Im sure he told her everything. I did visit my son and I did corner her in the kitchen. Not in a aggressive way, I just came up behind her, I very gently touched her arm and turned her around. Maybe I was standing a little too close to her. I wasn't trying to make her feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to scare her.  I didn't raise my voice. I asked her if she could take some time to talk? I offered to stay and put the baby down and she could take a nap. I feel like she has been speaking to a lawyer and he's telling her to make me out to be a monster. 

 I keep stating what I am feeling because she will not "talk!" I don't know what she needs from me. I'm just going on what I "assume" she needs. I feel absolutely sick. I feel like I have no chance to prove anything.

 Someone made the comment, that I need to figure out why I cheated. I have it figured out. I was selfish. My marriage was fulfilling. I didn't want for anything from my wife, she's kind and generous and would have done anything for me. I was the problem. I was physically attracted to another woman and I was so selfish. I chose to use her for sex. I choose to betray my wife. I made a lot of selfish choices. I hate myself for this and I am so disgusted with my behaviour.

I refuse to believe I will lose her forever. I don't know what I need to do, but I feel like there has to be SOMETHING. Those of you that have been through this, have you reconciled? What can I do to prove that I'm sorry? 

Also, shouldn't tell this guy, that is chasing after her, to leave her the hell alone? He's a pig, he knows she very vulnerable. Whatever his intentions are...I know he wants her for sex more than likely. She's very pretty and he doesn't even know her that well. I know he's acquainted with he from work, he knows she's married, he knows what she's going through. He just wants sex and she's not like that. She doesn't have experience with men in that way. I know I sound terrible but, I am tying here to prevent this all from snowballing. I know. This is all of my doing. But I don't want to see her hurt more, or make mistakes, because I messed everything up. Just feeling so confused. I apologize for the rambling. 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Italian Muse said:

She told my sister, I scare her. That my behaviour is off. a few days back after I found out about this, guy, taking her to dinner. I did confront him. I was angry. he knows she's married and he's making moves on her. I did raise my voice. I did visit my son and I did corner her in the kitchen.

She is wise to get a restraining order against you considering your aggressive, possessive controlling behavior.

Leave her alone. You'll hear from her attorney. She doesn't have to talk to you. Better find an attorney because this is not reparable.

[Italian Muse]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is wise to get a restraining order against you considering your aggressive, possessive controlling behavior.

Leave her alone. You'll hear from her attorney. She doesn't have to talk to you. Better find an attorney because this is not reparable.

I didn't show any agression towards her. Never! I  do not have aggressive, possessive controlling behavior. How??

[Allupinnit]

If she won't talk to you then you need to accept that.  Yeah it sucks for you, time to pay the piper.  Leave her alone and let her come to you when she's ready.  I can't stress this enough, you're borderline bullying her at this point.

You're also coming across as extremely hypocritical that you can bang her best friend but you absolutely draw the line at her having dinner with a colleague, to the point you're willing to confront the guy.  

 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Some women just never forgive. She is that type. She will never trust you again. For her, adultery is the ultimate betrayal. 

Unfortunately, it's over between you two. The sooner you come to that realization, the quicker you will heal. Time to start moving on. You can still have a relationship with your son.

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I  am worried about her.  She's very depressed and I just need to know what the hell I have to do, so she will speak to me. Maybe marriage counseling when she's ready. I will do anything.  I cant lose her. 

You are the cause of her depression. Leave her alone. 

18 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

We had a good marriage I know I will never find another woman as wonderful as her. I own all this, I am not looking for sympathy.  I  am losing my mind. I have been talking to a counselor and it's not helping me.  He seems to be steering me to try and accept that I've lost her. To let her go. But I cant. I won't. 

You had a good marriage, and yet you destroyed it with your selfish cheating - and now you expect her to forgive and forget. No. You need to accept that you lost her and you need to stay away from her. 

1 hour ago, Italian Muse said:

I do agree with what everyone is saying. I do not mean to make it all about me. I know what she needs. I just wish she would speak to me. She told my sister, I scare her. That my behaviour is off!!??

 I haven't given her any reason to say this!a few days back after I found out about this, guy, taking her to dinner. I did confront him. I was angry. he knows she's married and he's making moves on her. Idid raise my voice. Im sure he told her everything. I did visit my son and I did corner her in the kitchen. Not in a aggressive way, I just came up behind her, I very gently touched her arm and turned her around. Maybe I was standing a little too close to her. I wasn't trying to make her feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to scare her.  I didn't raise my voice. I asked her if she could take some time to talk? I offered to stay and put the baby down and she could take a nap. I feel like she has been speaking to a lawyer and he's telling her to make me out to be a monster. 

Yeah. You were married too, when you decided to destroy your marriage with her best friend in your home and your wife walked in on you. Imagine how traumatizing that must have been for her. Her affairs are no longer any of your business. You better watch your step or you're going to have a restraining order against you, and you risk losing visitation with your child. 

You cannot, in one breath, talk about how great your marriage was and then talk about how you slept with her best friend in your home (like you should get brownie points for doing it in the guest room instead of your marital bed.) Sorry if I am being harsh, but you seem like an alpha male who thinks he can pressure his wife into taking him back, and who goes after a guy who is seeing her with your threatening machismo. You should be crawling on your hands and knees to her, begging her forgiveness, and if she's not willing to give it right now, then you need to step away from her and leave her alone.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

 She's perfect.

NO ONE is perfect.

19 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

 I'm a ER physician

If you're a physician, why don't you take some deep breaths and bring your rational thinking skills (which are presumably quite strong) to bear. Right now it seems you are reasoning emotionally and letting your dopamine levels and fear drive the train.

19 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I cannot tell you why I did what I did.

I can tell you EXACTLY why. You chased dopamine when you had your affair. You were a bit like a drug user seeking a high. As you are probably well aware, the brain's search for increased dopamine and similar neurotransmitters can sometimes drive behavior into negative territory.

Since you are highly responsive to dopamine, you should recognize that a breakup/divorce creates a MAJOR dopamine drop. The prospect of a breakup is influencing your dopamine levels SUBSTANTIALLY, which is why you are not handling the situation rationally. (And I do recognize that being rational during a breakup situation is easier said than done.)

Your wife may or may not be able to come to terms with this and forgive you. While being nice to her and flexible may help, going overboard with that or with attempts to "push" reconciliation may become transparent and make her lose even more respect and feelings for you.

Reality is that you'll be fine IF she chooses to divorce you, and as an adult physician will eventually have your pick from a wide variety of high quality, available women. You'll need to process your emotions from the divorce (IF that happens) first, but in the long run you're likely to do extremely well. You'll have qualities (such as brains, a stable career, and a reliable high income) that many women will appreciate.

Edited January 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[Taramere]

20 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

 I cannot tell you why I did what I did. I was physically attracted to this woman. She's beautiful.  She was attracted to me.  It started with her babysitting our baby boy. I'm a ER physician and my wife is working on her PhD.  She was the best to care for him. She did so in our home. 

 You wanted to sleep with her, she was willing...and that was that.  It wasn't just one night  either.  It went on for three months.  If your wife hadn't caught the two of you in bed, it would still be going on - wouldn't it?  

 

20 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I I will financially support her, but I need us to work on our marriage.  I've never cheated on her before. I've always been open and honest with her.  I will do whatever it takes. 

I need some advice. I need a fresh perspective.  I am overthinking because I'm overwhelmed. Thank You in advance. 

 

I get that you're feeling terrible about this, would probably be willing to flagellate yourself to a pulp in front of your wife if it would mean she took you back etc...but it sounds as though you're just locked in that place of thinking "there's a way of getting her back, I just have to figure it out".  In other words, denial.  Bargaining.  "If I do X, will she take me back?"  It's a common stage in the process of grieving a loss.  In this case, the loss was caused by something you did - and therefore the belief that you can do something to make the situation right is probably compounded.  

I can't imagine how horrific this must have been for your wife.  To have recently had a baby, trusted her best friend to look after that baby - only to find that you and that best friend are having sex in her home while the baby's asleep.  And I don't say this to bring forth another chorus of "I know, I know...I hate myself more than you can possibly know" from you.  I think we probably all get the picture about how you're feeling, because you've said plenty about it.  

The betrayal your wife has gone through from two of the people closest to her, who were supposed to be on her side, will be far more painful and acute than any of the self hatred you're feeling right now.  She'll be questioning her own judgement.  Her judgement in marrying you, in being friends with the woman you had an affair with, and in leaving her baby in the care of that woman - who, by the way, very clearly was NOT the best person to care for your child.

Even if there were some magic formula, known only to women, for you to persuade your wife to try again....I don't think I'd want to give it to you.  A man who did what you did will always cheat again.  It's just a matter of time, opportunity and his assessment of whether he can get away with it.  You can protest all you like about how that's not the case, and I'm sure you mean every word...but if your wife went back to you after what you did to her, absolutely guaranteed you would do it again at some point.

She made two wrong choices.  You as her husband, and that former best friend of hers.  If she goes back to you, that'll be a third bad choice.  I get that all other things being equal, it's better for a child to be raised in a two parent household.  I get that life will be more difficult in many ways, and more expensive as a result of the two of you separating permanently.  I get that you just want to flagellate yourself to whatever degree is required and then push for a return to the family life you had before.  You need to let go of that.  That you triggered this situation with your behaviour doesn't mean you've any control over how it ends. 

You should probably start looking for permanent accommodation rather than continuing to stay in a hotel, which will be expensive and contribute to your feelings of anxiety and being in limbo. I hope you can both move on and work out some agreement in your child's best interests.  

Edited January 26, 2022 by Taramere

[ChrisTheCat]

20 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

When my wife caught us. We were in bed in the guest room

After reading this I would say that the chance of getting your wife back is as likely as a cold day in Hell.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

My wife caught me in bed with her closest friend.

Allow me to simplify. You're toast. 

[Italian Muse]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

NO ONE is perfect.

If you're a physician, why don't you take some deep breaths and bring your rational thinking skills (which are presumably quite strong) to bear. Right now it seems you are reasoning emotionally and letting your dopamine levels and fear drive the train.

I can tell you EXACTLY why. You chased dopamine when you had your affair. You were a bit like a drug user seeking a high. As you are probably well aware, the brain's search for increased dopamine and similar neurotransmitters can sometimes drive behavior into negative territory.

Since you are highly responsive to dopamine, you should recognize that a breakup/divorce creates a MAJOR dopamine drop. The prospect of a breakup is influencing your dopamine levels SUBSTANTIALLY, which is why you are not handling the situation rationally. (And I do recognize that being rational during a breakup situation is easier said than done.)

Your wife may or may not be able to come to terms with this and forgive you. While being nice to her and flexible may help, going overboard with that or with attempts to "push" reconciliation may become transparent and make her lose even more respect and feelings for you.

Reality is that you'll be fine IF she chooses to divorce you, and as an adult physician will eventually have your pick from a wide variety of high quality, available women. You'll need to process your emotions from the divorce (IF that happens) first, but in the long run you're likely to do extremely well. You'll have qualities (such as brains, a stable career, and a reliable high income) that many women will appreciate.

You make out like my career makes me a GOD. No. Far from it. I will have my pick of women you say? No thank you. If I'm picking women who want me because I have a high paying career,  well. I'm better off single. 

Being a physician is quite miserable. Especially in my field. Dealing daily with people who are having the worst day of their lives is not fun. It's full of stress. I work crazy hours, I often sleep in a toddler size bed for a few hours. Never fully falling asleep, never deep rest and missing my family and holidays and anything else that gives a normal hard working man balance. My Dad worked construction.  We had everything we needed. A union job that paid well enough to pay the Bills and give us a fishing boat and family time is all I wanted. 

My parents wanted the doctor because they felt his career wasn't good enough. They always said your a smart kid. Do better. 

You know how many of these colleague are alcoholics and drug addicts???! More than I want to admit. My wife and I live a relative simple life. I have no interest in a money hungry woman. My wife helped me through school.  I was smart in high school but upon entering college found I was a good student, but not the best. I took my entrance exam more times than most. I just didnt give up when they told me I should. I dont look at myself as some great Doctor.  

I love me work because I love helping people out of their worst. I'm good with people.  I learned this from my wife. I use most of my high income to support my parents who have health issues, a sister with 5 kids who's husband decided he didnt want them anymore

 At the end of the day

 I make around $90,000 a year. Student loan debt at in your 40s is a real kick in the ass. I mentioned I was a doctor only because I mentioned I work insane hours. Always on call. I have a high stress life. I'm not making a excuse for where I f***ed up...I just do not want people to think I  have any privilege.  My only privilege is being able to support my family that needs me. My privilege is being able to pay mortgage and food for my sister so she can go to school and get her teaching degree and not have to work as much. She does work. She's a CNA. 

I look at my career as a doctor and the high income as a blessing to help the people I love. Not to pull women or drive fancy cars. (I drive a Camry, hella reliable) our home isn't new! It's a 3 bed 3 baths townhome.  I'm nothing special. 

[Italian Muse]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Allow me to simplify. You're toast. 

Oh. Geeze Thx👍

[Italian Muse]

3 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Some women just never forgive. She is that type. She will never trust you again. For her, adultery is the ultimate betrayal. 

Unfortunately, it's over between you two. The sooner you come to that realization, the quicker you will heal. Time to start moving on. You can still have a relationship with your son.

I have to believe she may forgive me. I am willing to do all the work. She's never withheld our son. I know I will always have a healthy relationship with him. 

My hope is that I can win my wife back. Not trying to minimize but people make mistakes.  If the role was reversed. I would try again with her. Emphasis on try. It may not work. But I  refuse to give up. 

[glows]

All you can do is get your own legal counsel and start being smart about the way you handle the divorce. Any other struggle against this can be seen as a threat or preventing her from making the choices that she wants to make in regards to your marriage. It'll be used against you in divorce proceedings. 

What you have forgotten is that you do not make all the decisions in the marriage. She has a choice also and she has a right to exercise when it's over or file if it's over. 

Don't keep insisting on what you want. You have already showed her what you want (another woman). Now it's her turn to decide or make a move on what is best for her. If the marriage was good at one point I do believe you but it is not anymore. You've lost sight of the big picture. This was never always up to you only.

 

Edited January 26, 2022 by glows

[S2B]

You say you don’t know why you did this to your wife.

that means you’re likely to do it again.

do extensive therapy with a professional every week for at least a year to learn why you did it - and how to never do it again.

are you willing to DO that before trying to reconcile with your wife?

if you don’t - the only thing you’re offering her is a guy who will cheat again.

[S2B]

11 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

I have to believe she may forgive me. I am willing to do all the work. She's never withheld our son. I know I will always have a healthy relationship with him. 

My hope is that I can win my wife back. Not trying to minimize but people make mistakes.  If the role was reversed. I would try again with her. Emphasis on try. It may not work. But I  refuse to give up. 

Sure people make mistakes - but you made a conscious decision to cause her harm every single day for at least three months.

that wasn’t a “mistake” - that was purposefully hurting her with your decision and actions.

[Italian Muse]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

Sure people make mistakes - but you made a conscious decision to cause her harm every single day for at least three months.

that wasn’t a “mistake” - that was purposefully hurting her with your decision and actions.

Your right. I realize that now. I just hope it's not too late. 

[S2B]

If you don’t change the core being of who you are - you are only offering to your wife the guy who cheats.

what have you done - what are you willing to DO to change who you are?

[stillafool]

It's one thing to hear about your husband having sex with another woman and quite another to actually catch him in bed with your best friend.  That is a movie her mind will never forget and is probably playing on the loop since it happened.  At this point even if she did take you back it would not stick, because that darn movie with you and her friend will continue to cloud any fond memories she had of you and she'll go.  I imagine that man who is wining and dining your wife feels she deserves all the attention he can give to her after what she has been through.  Yeah, I think it's time to start accepting what's to come.