I cheated on my wife is there a chance I can ever get her back. I love her.

[S2B]

You need a good NEW counselor!

[Italian Muse]

On 1/27/2022 at 9:25 AM, vla1120 said:

I'm glad you realize that. I stayed with my husband for 18 years after he cheated with my best friend. I didn't catch them in the act, my 5-yr-old daughter (at the time) caught them. I stayed because I was 7 months pregnant with our youngest when he was caught. I didn't need his financial support as I was the main breadwinner. Eighteen years after the event is when I divorced him. The reason was he really never took responsibility for cheating. He blamed me. We went to marriage counseling for years. At no time did he ever throw himself at my feet and beg my forgiveness, and yet, I stayed. Maybe, just maybe, if you throw yourself at her feet and beg her forgiveness, she might consider staying. BUT, you need individual therapy to figure out why, when you had a "good marriage", you slept with her best friend - which is a double whammy. You have to explore what was going through your mind, knowing that if your wife found out, she would be devastated. Unless you are willing to genuinely put in the work, any attempt at reconciliation will fail, even if she does give you the chance.

I have tried throwing myself at her feet. But she is really stand offish. She doesn't have much contact with me. I have sent text and emails and I've left phone messages. The last time I saw her, I tried to kiss her and she asked me to never touch her again. 

Everyone advises me to leave her alone, it's over, move on. I did screw up. But I will not just walk away. I love her too much. 

[glows]

Just now, Italian Muse said:

I have tried throwing myself at her feet. But she is really stand offish. She doesn't have much contact with me. I have sent text and emails and I've left phone messages. The last time I saw her, I tried to kiss her and she asked me to never touch her again. 

Everyone advises me to leave her alone, it's over, move on. I did screw up. But I will not just walk away. I love her too much. 

Id reflect on what love is. Carrying on like this doesn't look like love from an outsider's perspective. You're spiralling and trying to make up for loss of your marriage or realization that it's potentially over. I'd like to think love is a bit more cognizant and humble in its actions, less self-centered. Throwing yourself at her feet is to gain a reaction from her that's positive for you. You're focused only on yourself.

[S2B]

If you have been seeing a counselor and it never helped you to change who you are - then there is little hope that your marriage will survive.

it’s your attitude that’s the problem. It’s your controlling nature that’s a problem. It’s your entitlement that’s a problem.

if you say counseling has never helped then don’t expect the marriage to survive.

the problem is YOU don’t want to change! And change is necessary! 

[Italian Muse]

On 1/26/2022 at 3:34 PM, S2B said:

Was this act of sex in your own bed at home?

No. I never had sex with her in my bed.Not that it makes it better, but I never did that.

[S2B]

4 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

I have tried throwing myself at her feet. But she is really stand offish. She doesn't have much contact with me. I have sent text and emails and I've left phone messages. The last time I saw her, I tried to kiss her and she asked me to never touch her again. 

Everyone advises me to leave her alone, it's over, move on. I did screw up. But I will not just walk away. I love her too much. 

This is really stalkerish behavior. You’ve harmed her! Leave her alone!

she doesn’t want the man you are - she wants a better version of who you’ve been! 

you haven’t offered her anything but the man who harmed her and ruined her life - of course she wants nothing to do with you. Start changing! Start DOING what that counselor has asked you to DO to change who you are! 

[Italian Muse]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

This is really stalkerish behavior. You’ve harmed her! Leave her alone!

she doesn’t want the man you are - she wants a better version of who you’ve been! 

you haven’t offered her anything but the man who harmed her and ruined her life - of course she wants nothing to do with you. Start changing! Start DOING what that counselor has asked you to DO to change who you are! 

How is this stalkerish? Im her HUSBAND!? I haven't stopped loving her. I d leave her alone, I see her when I visit our son. Even then, I try not to overwhelm her. 

[amerikajin]

5 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I've taken accountability from the start. All I have done is tell how I take full responsibility and blame. Read all my post. I acknowledge everything about what my actions have done to her. 

I think you started reading my UPDATE post. Not the original.  Because the reason I posted anything because I was seeking advice on how I can make her better from the pain I caused.

I think people question whether you mean it or whether you're just apologizing and saying "Yeah, my bad." I have no doubt that you have regrets and that you feel sympathy on some level for the harm you've obviously caused. But there's a difference between regretting the consequences of your selfishness and truly empathizing with your partner and allowing her to pick up the pieces.

Your posts are all about "How do I fix this? Simple answer: you can't. This will be on your permanent record. 

You can't change what you've done in the past, but you can change how you understand the past and learn from it to become a better partner, whether it's with your currently estranged wife or with someone else. 

However, for that to happen, you have to do more than apologize. You have to empathize and be willing to let her express her emotions with brutal honesty. That's going to be really hard because she's going to say things about you and about what you've done that are going to be harsh. And she's going to keep saying them. She's going to rip your ego to shreds, and you need to be able to take it like a man. 

But I think that's just part of it. The other part is really understanding what led you to behave this way. In some of your posts you write as though everything was mostly fine until you started the affair, but I don't really think that's the case. I think from your point of view something was missing or something wasn't quite right in your relationship. And if what you say is true that you're wife is already off fooling around with another man, it doesn't sound like she was a particularly healthy individual herself. 

I won't say a random impulsive act like sex outside the marriage never happens and that it can't kill a relationship, but I've been on this planet for nearly a half century now and in my experience, affairs rarely ever are the underlying cause of relationship problems. They're almost always a symptom of other problems or issues that are unresolved.

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

I’m saying your ego is in the way. Why haven’t you learned how to manage your ego with the counselor?

why hasn’t counseling worked for you?

[Italian Muse]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

I’m saying your ego is in the way. Why haven’t you learned how to manage your ego with the counselor?

why hasn’t counseling worked for you?

I don't know. I have always had an issue with counselors. Being a physician myself, I had to take classes in Psychology and it just all seems to appease. No counselor is going to tell me how to take her pain away. I deserve to feel bad, self hate whatever. I HATE myself for what I did. I want to fix her, the love of my life, my best friend, the mother of my son. If I can't make her okay, I don't give a damn what happens to me. 

I cannot believe that I hurt her this way. This is not who I am. If I can hurt her, I feel I am capable os just about anything. My whole life was revolved around making her life great. She needed me, my wife...I'm the only family she has. She grew up alone. Hurt, betrayed and I did the very thing that she least deserved. 

Im sorry for rambling, I just feel so undeserving of anything right now. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[vla1120]

26 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

Everyone advises me to leave her alone, it's over, move on. I did screw up. But I will not just walk away. I love her too much. 

But see, this is where you have an issue. You already made a choice that resulted in this situation. The same way you made your choice, she now gets to make her choice. This is not YOUR choice to make anymore. You really need to back off and leave her alone. Otherwise, you're behavior is bordering on stalking. You're going to get yourself in trouble. Live with the poor decision you made, take the steps necessary to ensure you never do this again (or - as you said - if she is the only woman you can ever love, accept that you've lost her and go about sleeping with whomever you please) and let HER live her life and make her choice without interference or strong-arming from you. Respect her boundaries. 

[vla1120]

What you deserve is to go into therapy with an open mind. If this therapist is not working for you, find one that will. It took me decades to finally find a therapist who "got" me and is actually helpful. You're right, quite a bit of the time, they are not effective, or they just spew psycho-babble that I could look up online by myself. However, when you find the RIGHT one - the one who will call you on your BS and make you look in the mirror and self-reflect, then you have some hope of perhaps understanding why you did this and what you can change to keep you from making the same mistake in the future. If you believe it won't work, then it won't. You are an intelligent man. You have resources at your disposal. You can find the right therapist if you put in some effort.

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Also find a counselor that works on codependency issues and boundaries.

if you don’t change who you are = you are just asking your wife to take back a controlling cheater who betrays her.

she shouldn’t take you back until you completely change everything about who you are. 

[mark clemson]

Many people legitimately have self control issues of one kind or another. However, we really can't allow that to become an excuse for behavior or society starts to break down.

You can't "nice" someone into loving you if they're no longer attracted/can't trust, or into respecting you again if they've lost respect. Being "willing to agree to anything, you can have it all" in a divorce likely won't fly with a judge (who typically must approve an agreement) anyhow although I suppose there are always exceptions.

At any rate, from a "winning her back" perspective you may actually be better off asserting yourself and your rights in a divorce, and "doing the 180" (which you can research online). The 180 is reasonably effective applied psychology IMO and there is A CHANCE it will have her begin to respect you again and start to come around to reconciliation. The chance is NOT HIGH but IMO it's actually more likely to work than simply "losing your spine" and "caving", as it may engender some respect. "Chasing" too much (as it sounds like you have been doing) is IMO much more likely to backfire than to work, again due to the "psychological dynamics" (for lack of a better term) involved.

Botttom line: IMO you're better off trying the 180. If it works (unlikely but I suspect a greater chance than what you've been doing) great, and if it doesn't you've started off on an independent course, which may well be the only option you have anyhow.

Edited January 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[Italian Muse]

36 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I think people question whether you mean it or whether you're just apologizing and saying "Yeah, my bad." I have no doubt that you have regrets and that you feel sympathy on some level for the harm you've obviously caused. But there's a difference between regretting the consequences of your selfishness and truly empathizing with your partner and allowing her to pick up the pieces.

Your posts are all about "How do I unf*** this? Simple answer: you can't. This will be on your permanent record. 

You can't change what you've done in the past, but you can change how you understand the past and learn from it to become a better partner, whether it's with your currently estranged wife or with someone else. 

However, for that to happen, you have to do more than apologize. You have to empathize and be willing to let her express her emotions with brutal honesty. That's going to be really hard because she's going to say things about you and about what you've done that are going to be harsh. And she's going to keep saying them. She's going to rip your ego to shreds, and you need to be able to take it like a man. 

But I think that's just part of it. The other part is really understanding what led you to behave this way. In some of your posts you write as though everything was mostly fine until you started the affair, but I don't really think that's the case. I think from your point of view something was missing or something wasn't quite right in your relationship. And if what you say is true that you're wife is already off fooling around with another man, it doesn't sound like she was a particularly healthy individual herself. 

I won't say a random impulsive act like sex outside the marriage never happens and that it can't kill a relationship, but I've been on this planet for nearly a half century now and in my experience, affairs rarely ever are the underlying cause of relationship problems. They're almost always a symptom of other problems or issues that are unresolved.

I made a rash judgement about my wife. This guy. He's someone she knows from work. I am really jealous when it comes to her. I was livid, driving by and seeing his car. What happened was, she's not been doing well. He was kind enough to stay around and make sure she was ok. To keep an eye out on the baby. He did take her to dinner. But it seems to be more of him leaning a shoulder to cry on. Not him making moves.

I appreciate so much your insight. I know no marriage is perfect. No one is perfect. I know I had a good marriage. I know we were deeply in love. I also know never in a million years would I have considered myself unfaithful. I never dreamed I would be getting divorced. I cannot pinpoint a relationship problem. We always communicated, I have a beautiful baby boy. Work is well, work. With Covid it's been hard. It's not enjoyable. If there's anything in my life to complain about, it's that.  I cannot think of anything that would cause me to cheat. 

Maybe my getting older? Having less attention. I'm grey and my wife is still youthful looking? I don't think I had a mid-life crisis. I haven't purchased a red sports car! My relationship with my wife, was mostly fine. Maybe it's me. My insecurities? My wife always yells me I'm handsome. She likes my grey hair. Now she can really take me seriously as a Doctor! I would always tell her how older patients always would seem to want to see a older Doctor and I felt pushed aside. 

I don't know. I really need to find out why? I will never remarry. I know that for sure. Because I'll always be Inlove with her. My focus is our son. I tend to leave things alone if I can't fix them. My marriage is definitely one of those things. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I have always had an issue with counselors.

Some people do not benefit from therapy. Especially cluster B personalities.

As you stated, "you were thinking with your penis". Your penis won't respond to a therapy either.

Your best course of action is to consult an attorney and leave your wife alone, including stalking and drive-bys

The more you do this the worse your divorce/custody situation will get.

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amerikajin]

6 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

I made a rash judgement about my wife. This guy. He's someone she knows from work. I am really jealous when it comes to her. I was livid, driving by and seeing his car. What happened was, she's not been doing well. He was kind enough to stay around and make sure she was ok. To keep an eye out on the baby. He did take her to dinner. But it seems to be more of him leaning a shoulder to cry on. Not him making moves.

Got it. 

Quote

I appreciate so much your insight. I know no marriage is perfect. No one is perfect. I know I had a good marriage. I know we were deeply in love. I also know never in a million years would I have considered myself unfaithful. I never dreamed I would be getting divorced. I cannot pinpoint a relationship problem. We always communicated, I have a beautiful baby boy. Work is well, work. With Covid it's been hard. It's not enjoyable. If there's anything in my life to complain about, it's that.  I cannot think of anything that would cause me to cheat. 

I think it's fear. People sometimes cheat because of anger, but it doesn't seem like you had anything to be angry about. Instead, this seems to be driven by insecurities and fears. Maybe it's a fear that your younger wife might want someone else. Maybe it's fear from dying of COVID or something else. Fear can lead to a desire to escape from life, which affairs can be for some people. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You cannot fix your wife.

She doesn't trust you to fix her pain and she shouldn't trust you that close right now.,  She has a right to her pain and has to experience her pain in order to begin the process of healing. She's a human being whose closest relationship was just shattered--and you imagine that a few conversations will change that? She was just hit by an 18-wheel truck and you think a band-aid is what she needs?

Did you watch the Julie Gottman video I linked to? Julie Gottman says betrayed partners have symptoms of serious PTSD and that's without seeing the betrayal directly with their own eyes. Your wife walked in on your guys, SAW you guys. That is the worst possible thing--she's likely having images of you two flashing intrusively in her mind.

You gotta drop this teenage thinking you're trapped in. And that's where going to a good therapist can help. No good therapist will let you think for a minute that you can do something now to fix things.

What you can do is begin to fix yourself and get to the bottom of this self-destructive affair you had. And while you're doing that, maybe ...maybe (you can't count on it) your wife will talk to you again. But frankly, you got to own your own stuff right now. She shouldn't talk to you while you're thinking as you do. 

Sounds to me like you aren't being serious and open with your counselor. I'm wondering if you even have the capacity to open up in a real way. You're stuck in a teenage mindset. 

Your thinking here is probably connected to why you had the affair in the first place.  Your understanding of relationships and pain and betrayal and the rest is about at a 14 year-old's level. Maybe lower. 

 

 

[amerikajin]

3 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I don't know. I have always had an issue with counselors. Being a physician myself, I had to take classes in Psychology and it just all seems to appease.

I think the issue is that you're afraid of having your vulnerabilities pointed out to you. You're afraid that a counselor is going to judge you or point out things about your behavior that conflict with your self-narrative. 

I think this is maybe an example of your ego getting in the way. As a doctor you're probably used to others coming to you for help and treatment. In the ER or OR or wherever, you have a lot of power and control. You probably have some anxiety about dealing with a counselor because you're going to be the patient, the one who needs fixing. Right?

Quote

No counselor is going to tell me how to take her pain away.

Right, but that's not the reason to see a therapist. You need to understand yourself better so that you don't do this again, so that you acquire the awareness and self-regulatory skills to avoid repeating this terrible mistake. Also, this is a long shot, but if you actually make an honest go of it and take it seriously, you just might convince your wife to give you a second chance. That's a long shot though and don't for a moment think of just visiting a counselor's office as window dressing to trick your wife into coming back. Do it for the right reasons. 

[ quote removed]

Self pity has zero value. You need to take corrective action. Start by showing enough humility to accept that you need help, just the way your own patients need help when they come to you. I'm sure you've probably rolled your eyes at patients who end up in your care because they put off what were once minor problems until they became bigger ones. Well now the tables are turned. Get help.

Quote

I want to fix her, the love of my life, my best friend, the mother of my son. If I can't make her okay, I don't give a damn what happens to me.

 You cannot realistically expect to "fix" her (whatever that means) or help your son until you fix yourself first. You're the one who needs to be fixed, not her. Moreover, you have a son. Not giving a damn about what happens to you would make you a bad father, in addition to being a bad husband. Stop pitying yourself, and take corrective action.

Quote

I cannot believe that I hurt her this way.

Well, you did, so believe it. Wishing it away won't help. This is the real world and you're in it just like the rest of us. I'm guessing your wife is the one who can't believe that you hurt her this way. BTW, I meant to ask earlier, does her family know what happened? 

Quote

This is not who I am.

Yes it is. We are the sum of all our actions. We are who we are. As I've said, it doesn't define you as a whole person - I absolutely agree. But your affair will always be a part of your life story whether you like it or not.

Quote

She needed me, my wife...I'm the only family she has. She grew up alone. Hurt, betrayed and I did the very thing that she least deserved. 

I gotta admit. Reading that makes me hurt for your wife. Still, you came her looking for help and I hope you get it and some mutually satisfactory resolution.

 

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[Italian Muse]

6 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Got it. 

I think it's fear. People sometimes cheat because of anger, but it doesn't seem like you had anything to be angry about. Instead, this seems to be driven by insecurities and fears. Maybe it's a fear that your younger wife might want someone else. Maybe it's fear from dying of COVID or something else. Fear can lead to a desire to escape from life, which affairs can be for some people. 

Fear is possible COVID has really done a number. My wife is not much younger than me. We were so caught up in career and work, we had our baby later. Which will be my only because I'll be 46 and she's turning 44 and if we didnt have this second baby. This year. Well I don't know. . That's why I say I have no interest in remarrying.  At my age. My focus would be my son. 

 

[Italian Muse]

14 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I think the issue is that you're afraid of having your vulnerabilities pointed out to you. You're afraid that a counselor is going to judge you or point out things about your behavior that conflict with your self-narrative. 

I think this is maybe an example of your ego getting in the way. As a doctor you're probably used to others coming to you for help and treatment. In the ER or OR or wherever, you have a lot of power and control. You probably have some anxiety about dealing with a counselor because you're going to be the patient, the one who needs fixing. Right?

Right, but that's not the reason to see a therapist. You need to understand yourself better so that you don't do this again, so that you acquire the awareness and self-regulatory skills to avoid repeating this terrible mistake. Also, this is a long shot, but if you actually make an honest go of it and take it seriously, you just might convince your wife to give you a second chance. That's a long shot though and don't for a moment think of just visiting a counselor's office as window dressing to trick your wife into coming back. Do it for the right reasons. 

Self pity has zero value. You need to take corrective action. Start by showing enough humility to accept that you need help, just the way your own patients need help when they come to you. I'm sure you've probably rolled your eyes at patients who end up in your care because they put off what were once minor problems until they became bigger ones. Well now the tables are turned. Get help.

 You cannot realistically expect to "fix" her (whatever that means) or help your son until you fix yourself first. You're the one who needs to be fixed, not her. Moreover, you have a son. Not giving a damn about what happens to you would make you a bad father, in addition to being a bad husband. Stop pitying yourself, and take corrective action.

Well, you did, so believe it. Wishing it away won't help. This is the real world and you're in it just like the rest of us. I'm guessing your wife is the one who can't believe that you hurt her this way. BTW, I meant to ask earlier, does her family know what happened? 

Yes it is. We are the sum of all our actions. We are who we are. As I've said, it doesn't define you as a whole person - I absolutely agree. But your affair will always be a part of your life story whether you like it or not.

I gotta admit. Reading that makes me hurt for your wife. Still, you came her looking for help and I hope you get it and some mutually satisfactory resolution.

 

The fear of seeking counseling isn't what bothers me. I think becoming a ER physician makes you realize how powerless we are are. I expect good outcomes,  but it's the ones that aren't that harshly reminds you that God is in full control.  I feel no power as a Doctor.

Especially now with Covid and all his variants, I feel less in control and dumb because I have no answers. I want to know why I am the way I am. But sitting on  a sofa and exploring my issues with someone just as imperfect as I am, I dont find comfort in that. 

I know I read in a medical journal somewhere Psychologists and psych doctors are the craziest of all. I dont mean to belittle anyone. I know it does help some people.  Maybe I would fair better in some outdoor manly retreat that I have to play survival and get my frustrations out. 

I'm a very private person.  I dont feel comfortable sitting down and talking.  I'm not afraid of someone calling me out. Or pointing out where I need to improve I welcome it.  

My wife she doesn't have a family. I'm her family our son. She always depended on me. We met when we were young. Became nest friends. My family took her in as our own. We have always had each other. 

 

[ASG]

2 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

How is this stalkerish? Im her HUSBAND!? I haven't stopped loving her. I d leave her alone, I see her when I visit our son. Even then, I try not to overwhelm her. 

Driving past her house to see if there are other cars in the drive way or if she's awake is the text book definition of stalkerish. 

You being her husband is neither here nor there. She doesn't want to be married to you anymore and has made it abundantly clear. You are separated. 

You try not to overwhelm her by trying to have sex with her? How does that work? 

[amerikajin]

57 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

Especially now with Covid and all his variants, I feel less in control and dumb because I have no answers. I want to know why I am the way I am. But sitting on  a sofa and exploring my issues with someone just as imperfect as I am, I dont find comfort in that. 

I know I read in a medical journal somewhere Psychologists and psych doctors are the craziest of all. I dont mean to belittle anyone. I know it does help some people.  Maybe I would fair better in some outdoor manly retreat that I have to play survival and get my frustrations out. 

I'm a very private person.  I dont feel comfortable sitting down and talking.  I'm not afraid of someone calling me out. Or pointing out where I need to improve I welcome it.  

You're just making excuses. None of us who are reading and responding to your posts are perfect either, and yet here you are asking for our input, which makes zero sense to me. You're asking total strangers to help you find a way to work through this, and yet none of us have any training whatsoever. There are techniques that therapists use. They don't just lie you down on a couch and write prescriptions for Prozac. 

I mean at least our input is free - that's good, I guess. But it's not going to make you more self-aware or more accountable. You're going to repeat the same mistakes again if this is your choice.

Edited January 28, 2022 by amerikajin

[Lotsgoingon]

This makes no sense. None. Totally lame.

I'm a very private person.  I dont feel comfortable sitting down and talking. 

So EFFING WHAT that you're a private person?!  Everyone is private. Everybody is nervous going to a first therapy session. But therapists are amazing listeners, skilled listeners, compassionate listeners, who listen on multiple levels, not just to our content, but to the assumptions built into our way of thinking and talking.

You're in this life emergency--literally the life you apparently built and wanted--is now in tatters and you're prioritizing "privacy?! You got to be kidding me.

How about if a patient appears in the ER with a bad infection and wants you not show you the infection site because it's in a "private area"? You would respect that? No, you'd think that was the most immature, juvenile, self-destructive, petty, pathetic, kid-like response imaginable.  Raise your hand, bro--that's you right now. 

If you want to heal your marriage, then you move past your "privacy" hangup, which really in insecurity and fear.  And that's polite, what your avoidance really speaks of is cowardice, cowardice and emotional weakness.

Your wife absolutely should NOT return to someone so afraid of doing serious work to fix a mess he's made. 

 

Edited January 28, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[heartwhole2]

Quote

I am seeing someone.  But counseling has never helped me. NOTHING is going to take the pain away from the woman I love. 

I will never feel ok after what I did to her. I betrayed her in the worst way, I disappointed her and let her down. I will never get over it. 

This is really defeatist. And the reason you have declared defeat with counseling before it's really begun is because your goal is selfish.

 

Quote

How is this stalkerish? Im her HUSBAND!? I haven't stopped loving her. I d leave her alone, I see her when I visit our son. Even then, I try not to overwhelm her. 

😳 It's stalkerish because you threw a giant grenade at the marriage and blew it to smithereens. You stopped acting like a husband then so you don't get to act like a husband now. Your inability to accept this comes across as aggressive, narcissistic, and entitled.

 

Quote

I deserve to feel bad, self hate whatever. I HATE myself for what I did. I want to fix her, the love of my life, my best friend, the mother of my son. If I can't make her okay, I don't give a damn what happens to me. 

I cannot believe that I hurt her this way. This is not who I am. If I can hurt her, I feel I am capable os just about anything. My whole life was revolved around making her life great. She needed me, my wife...I'm the only family she has. She grew up alone. Hurt, betrayed and I did the very thing that she least deserved. 

Does "making her OK" mean she takes you back? Or does it mean she is happy no matter what the outcome for you?

Don't you love your son? Doesn't he deserve a healthy father who models resilience and walking away from something that's not meant to be yours even when it's hard?


So to review, why do you need counseling?
To gain skills and insights which will help you be a healthy and whole person.If your self worth was provided by being a knight in shining armor (KISA) to your wife, then this is a blessing in disguise. Everything in our lives can be stripped away . . . people we love, our profession, our health. We need our self-worth to be based on knowing our inherent worth as a human. We need to treat others with respect and dignity.

Remember the book I mentioned? How to Help Your Spouse Heal After an Affair? It says you can help. It doesn't say you can heal your spouse. You can't heal your spouse, just as she can't provide your self worth. These are things we must do on our own. Your job now is to put on your oxygen mask because you are spiraling out of control. You can't be the father you need to be if you don't let down your defenses and start working on yourself. And after all of times you've violated your wife's boundaries post-affair, you really need to put any idea of reconciliation on the back burner for now. You are the one who should be saying, "We shouldn't even be thinking about reconciliation right now because I am obviously too fragile and selfish. I need to work on myself first."