I cheated on my wife is there a chance I can ever get her back. I love her.

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

Your right. I realize that now. I just hope it's not too late. 

I'm glad you realize that. I stayed with my husband for 18 years after he cheated with my best friend. I didn't catch them in the act, my 5-yr-old daughter (at the time) caught them. I stayed because I was 7 months pregnant with our youngest when he was caught. I didn't need his financial support as I was the main breadwinner. Eighteen years after the event is when I divorced him. The reason was he really never took responsibility for cheating. He blamed me. We went to marriage counseling for years. At no time did he ever throw himself at my feet and beg my forgiveness, and yet, I stayed. Maybe, just maybe, if you throw yourself at her feet and beg her forgiveness, she might consider staying. BUT, you need individual therapy to figure out why, when you had a "good marriage", you slept with her best friend - which is a double whammy. You have to explore what was going through your mind, knowing that if your wife found out, she would be devastated. Unless you are willing to genuinely put in the work, any attempt at reconciliation will fail, even if she does give you the chance.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is the clearest guidance I've ever seen presented succinctly. There is no shorcut to recovery, bro. The Gottmans are famous marriage counselors.

 

Julie Gottman gets seriously into the details of what recovery requires and she doesn't think these steps guarantee anything. 

The video is 5 and a half minutes. 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

You make out like my career...

No, actually I didn’t say any of those things.

A)  Nowhere in my prior post did I suggest you take up with gold diggers or that you act like a wealthy "player" type.

B)   A quick Google search suggests that your 90K figure is at the low end of what physicians earn (at least in the US). However there are plenty of women with run-of-the-mill careers as school teachers, service economy managers, administrators, and so forth for whom that 90K would be an impressive sum. Certainly not all of them are gold diggers and I suspect for many of them the Camry you mention would signal exactly what they’re looking for – a decent guy with solid career prospects. Work hours may indeed be a barrier, but many of these women will not be strangers to challenging hours, so many will at the very least be understanding about it.

C)   If you really have a physician’s license, you could consider leveraging it to look for a job in a facility where you are treated better (or at least paid more for your time) and not surrounded by drug using and alcoholic co-workers. Your (probable) upcoming divorce might at least be an opportunity to take stock of the totality of your life situation.

 

It’s nice that you enjoy helping people. As many men have learned, chasing a woman who’s no longer interested in you is a fool’s game. Hopefully you’ll take the reasonable, rational, and sensible advice I gave in my prior post to heart. If your wife divorces (which seems likely based on what you describe), your options will be to find someone else or remain alone.

While your life may not be a bed of roses (and I never said that it was), reality is that with a physician’s license you have options that many men simply do not have. Whether you will choose to make use of them is I suppose a different matter. The common denominator in all your life decisions is, of course, you.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

My wife helped me through school. 

Her attorney will take this into consideration when she tells him. She may be entitled to a lot more than the usual.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll go back a step. You describe your wife as an "angel." That actually is not good. Seems to me like you're putting her in this neat, cute, harmless box. Your wife is a full 3D 360 person with flaws and annoying qualities like the rest of us. 

I say this because when we label people "cute" and like "angels," we paradoxically might lose respect for them. We think they are gullible and weak. And look, we may not say any of this out loud, but we think it and it's worse when we think something in secret. Because then we don't allow fresh air in to clear up the idea if it's dumb and polluted. 

The blunt question to ask you is: why did you have the affair? Being a jerk is not an answer unless you mean you have always been a jerk. And there are lots of jerks who don't cheat on their wives, and certainly don't cheat on their wives' best friends at the home of the wife. What was going on with the rest of your life that you made such a catastrophically bad decision. I sense you are scared, terrified. But I don't sense that you have learned anything about yourself or about your marriage. 

Thinking deeply is your friend here. Just saying "I won't be bad again"--that's like what a five-year-old says. You gotta go a lot deeper than that if you want a chance to be a new person  ... and only a new person can attract your wife back. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

only a new person can attract your wife back. 

It's doubtful that the image of her husband and best friend in bed burned in her brain will be in the realm of attracting anyone one back.

[Italian Muse]

I just want to say, I have read all the comments, I didn't expect anyone to agree with me, or be nice. I knew I would have a lot of hate. I deserve it. I just needed to have a fresh perspective. I realize I have destroyed my life, my wife's life and the future of my son. 

 I met with my wife today. She wanted to talk, she said she's dying inside. Her heart is broken, she was in the ER because she became ill, she hasn't been able to keep food down, she's lost so much weight. It's unreal. She's having dizzy spells and she's really stressed out and depressed. I did this s*** to her. She didn't speak harsh to me, that's not her way, she is very calm and she never uses hurtful language, she always keeps me calm and rather talk it out.

She wants a divorce. She can't go on being married to me.  She said she loved me, she always will. But she will never be able to move past this, she will never be able to intimate with me again. She hates divorce, but we will never overcome this. She said we could play like we are together for the sake of our son, stay together raise him until he's of age, so he will have a two parent home. But she would never be intimate with me, we would have seperate rooms. It's just horrible. All I want to do is make love to her, hold her. Kiss her. I couldn't imagine seeing her everyday and not being able to hold her. I miss her so much. 

 I told her I would do whatever she wants. I just want her happy again. I apologized for hurting her. I would never force her to live a lie, pretending to be together, so our son would have us both? I know people do, but, I also know she would eventually start having men, and I wouldn't handle that well. I'm a extremely jealous person when it comes to her. So much so I don't want to even talk about it. 

I just cannot believe I have put us here. I guess there is no getting us back together. There is no hope for marriage counseling, she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to even look me in the eyes, she pulled away when I reached for her hand. I told her I would do anything for her. She can have everything, I will support her financially. The House, everything. She said NO!!!! I don't think she's in the right state of mind. She is obviously struggling mentally. I am worried about leaving her alone. Especially with our son. Dizzy spells. Depression. I'm not making this about me or an excuse to get to her, I'm truly concerned. 

 I realize I caused ALL of this. I tried to call it off, I was trying to walk away. Now I would give anything to have never crossed that line. My wife is my world. I cannot imagine what life is going to be like without her. My heart sinks so deep down into my stomach, I cannot breathe. The thought of her not being mine. I did this because I was selfish, I was foolish. I broke her heart and I deserve to die. 

It started with me running into her friend, I was attracted to her,she's a physically beautiful woman. She was attracted to me, but never would I have acted on anything. That night we drank and we began flirting, I left it there. I admit that I was flattered. But never in a million years I thought about cheating on my wife. We almost kissed that night. I walked away, went home. 

The first sexual encounter was when I dropped the baby off for her to care for him. It was a couple days after. We began talking, and one thing led to another and she kissed me. We ended up having sex for the first time. I felt like s***. I stopped being intimate with my wife, out of guilt. My wife mentioned today, she knew something was wrong, because I stopped touching her. I tried to explain it wasn't because I was not attracted to her, it was I felt so guilty. But I kept getting drawn in with this woman. I fell in LUST. My mind shut down. Looking back now I can see this. 

I feel so ashamed and heartbroken. I have had zero contact with this other woman. I feel really numb. I took a few days off from the ER. I need to think. I think I need to take my son from her. She needs rest. She is a mess. I don't think she would. But I think she could harm herself. I really messed her up. I'm her provider, She's now really jobless, she lost her best friend. The only person we trusted to care for our son. She has no family. I just needed to get this out there. Off my chest. Putting this into words helps me sort it out. I know everyone will be coming for me.  I deserve it. Any suggestions on how I can seek to help her, I know everyone says leave her alone. But this situation is very different. She won't ask for help, she always fears being a burden. I know she doesn't want to see me. I have to do something.  Any suggestions would be appreciated. 

I just hope maybe reading my story and the hurt I caused. Maybe it will make another person think twice. It's so not worth it. If your unhappy, divorce. Leave. I wasn't unhappy. Im still inlove with my wife. I made a selfish stupid mistake and it has cost me everything. It destroyed the life of the person I love more than anything in this world.  It's so not worth it. My life will never be the same. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I would constantly compare her to my soon to be EX and that wouldn't be fair. I honestly do not know if I can live with myself after the pain I caused her. Seeing what I've done. I've killed her. The old version of my wife is dead. UGH...I just can't do this. If any one has any suggestions on how I can do anything. In the attempt to making things right or a little better for her. I'd appreciate it. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Alpacalia]

Not a snowballs chance in hell.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

She wants a divorce. She can't go on being married to me.  She said she loved me, she always will. But she will never be able to move past this, she will never be able to intimate with me again. She hates divorce, but we will never overcome this. There is no hope for marriage counseling, she doesn't want to.

It would be best to consult an attorney. She certainly will and they will advise her in an unemotional manner.

Right now she is in shock. But when she is out of shock she will feel anger. then the divorce papers will come.

She will get the house anyway so don't make insulting offers.

She will also get support from her friends, family, doctors, therapists, etc., who will also advise her for her and your son's best interests. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

You can help her by respecting her wishes. Avoid the doctor role with your wife, please. She's seen it all. Don't patronize her like that. 

Do find your own legal counsel and start private counselling or therapy. It will also help you clear your mind and give you a better sounding board.

[heartwhole2]

Hello, I'm a BW. My husband had an affair several years ago.

What I've come to realize since then is that there are no guarantees in life. Even without infidelity, any spouse at any time has a right to call it quits. Your refusal to accept this really is over the top considering the reason you gave your wife for giving up on you.

There is no magic formula to follow to make her want and trust you again. All you can do is take steps to be the best version of yourself, the most healthy co-parent you can be. Does that mean an obsessive fixation on getting what you can't have? No. That really does mean acceptance. She doesn't owe you a second chance; the universe doesn't owe you a second chance; there's no way to conjure one out of thin air.

Now, maybe, some months from now, if you've really learned to make decisions based on what is best for others instead of yourself (because wanting your wife when you've hurt her and she wants to be away from you is selfish), if you've learned humility and matured beyond this guy acting on impulse, then maybe she'll see you in a new light. Maybe she'll want to give your child a chance to be raised with married parents. Or maybe she won't. She chose a monogamous relationship with you and you changed the terms without consulting her. It may be broken beyond repair.

And if you were acting from a place that is centered, mature, and humble, you would accept this.

[Italian Muse]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

Hello, I'm a BW. My husband had an affair several years ago.

What I've come to realize since then is that there are no guarantees in life. Even without infidelity, any spouse at any time has a right to call it quits. Your refusal to accept this really is over the top considering the reason you gave your wife for giving up on you.

There is no magic formula to follow to make her want and trust you again. All you can do is take steps to be the best version of yourself, the most healthy co-parent you can be. Does that mean an obsessive fixation on getting what you can't have? No. That really does mean acceptance. She doesn't owe you a second chance; the universe doesn't owe you a second chance; there's no way to conjure one out of thin air.

Now, maybe, some months from now, if you've really learned to make decisions based on what is best for others instead of yourself (because wanting your wife when you've hurt her and she wants to be away from you is selfish), if you've learned humility and matured beyond this guy acting on impulse, then maybe she'll see you in a new light. Maybe she'll want to give your child a chance to be raised with married parents. Or maybe she won't. She chose a monogamous relationship with you and you changed the terms without consulting her. It may be broken beyond repair.

And if you were acting from a place that is centered, mature, and humble, you would accept this.

You are completely right.  I appreciate straightforward honesty. I have a lot of work to do. 

[Italian Muse]

On 1/28/2022 at 6:44 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

I'll go back a step. You describe your wife as an "angel." That actually is not good. Seems to me like you're putting her in this neat, cute, harmless box. Your wife is a full 3D 360 person with flaws and annoying qualities like the rest of us. 

I say this because when we label people "cute" and like "angels," we paradoxically might lose respect for them. We think they are gullible and weak. And look, we may not say any of this out loud, but we think it and it's worse when we think something in secret. Because then we don't allow fresh air in to clear up the idea if it's dumb and polluted. 

The blunt question to ask you is: why did you have the affair? Being a jerk is not an answer unless you mean you have always been a jerk. And there are lots of jerks who don't cheat on their wives, and certainly don't cheat on their wives' best friends at the home of the wife. What was going on with the rest of your life that you made such a catastrophically bad decision. I sense you are scared, terrified. But I don't sense that you have learned anything about yourself or about your marriage. 

Thinking deeply is your friend here. Just saying "I won't be bad again"--that's like what a five-year-old says. You gotta go a lot deeper than that if you want a chance to be a new person  ... and only a new person can attract your wife back. 

I mean she's a angel as in she's a great person.  She's not deserving of any of what I put her through. 

In honesty I had this affair because I am a idiot.  I had a damn near perfect wife.  We had communication, great sex. She was always supportive.  I was thinking with my penis. I wanted to have sex with this beautiful woman and I did.  I just kept doing it. 

I was a fool. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Italian Muse]

Thank You everyone for the advice. I've taken away this. Seek help. Talk to someone. Give her peace and space. 

 I went for a run. Listened to meditation and I really tried to get my mind right. It helped. Especially since, I was feeling I should at least drive by my house. See if she was awake, if there was a light on.

well it wasn't. But I saw this man's SUV parked in my driveway. I know my wife isn't a easy woman. But why [ ] else would a man be at her place at 12:13 at night. 

I have to say I put up this random post, because I am talking myself out of running up into this house and finding out why [ ]  he's alone with my wife.

I am really trying hard here. I'm rereading these post. Especially the ones that tell me. To leave her alone. Respect her space. 

I know I'm in the wrong but this is literally driving me crazy. The way this guy is just diving in and making moves. Ok. I rest my case. I had to get this off my chest. Losing my mind over here. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I was thinking with my dick. 

That's basically it.

Ok. Get an attorney who thinks with the head on his shoulders. You'll need a good one.

 

 

[heartwhole2]

8 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I mean she's a angel as in she's a great person.  She's not deserving of any of what I put her through. 

In honesty I had this affair because I am a idiot.  I had a damn near perfect wife.  We had communication, great sex. She was always supportive.  I was thinking with my dick. I wanted to have sex with this beautiful woman and I did.  I just kept doing it. 

I was a fool. 

I mean, yes, this is true. But why were you, an intelligent person who can do risk/reward analyses, a fool? We all have primal urges yet manage to remain within the bounds of civilized society. What kind of boundaries or lack thereof did you have with women you'd want to sleep with? What kind of coping skills do you have to deal with stress in healthy ways? How can you protect yourself against your areas of weakness?

You really need to get into counseling to gain these insights and become the best version of yourself you can be. You do this because you want to be healthy and whole and not someone who hurts those he loves most, not because it might get your wife back.

I'm not sure if you realize how entitled it comes across that you had a terrible affair (you haven't even mentioned how upsetting it must be for your wife to lose her best friend and her childcare along with everything else) and now you just can't accept that the marriage could be over. You can't just go around harming your spouse and changing the rules on her and then ignoring her wishes for how to move forward. It says, "I can hurt you however I want, make you lose your best friend, and traumatize you, but I should still get to have what I want . . . a marriage with you."

Quote

I did come in heavy, demanding to see her, showing up at all times of night.

So again, it's not just that you thought with your d*ck one time and then got in over your head. You are showing an inability to control your impulses in your actions now too. That's certainly not reassuring to your wife.

[amerikajin]

On 1/25/2022 at 4:50 PM, Italian Muse said:

 She works but is studying more than she works, so she needs my financial support.

If you're in the United States, a judge will see to it that she gets all the financial support from you that she needs. Believe it.

 

Quote

I dont want to anger her more, or pressure her.

Good call.

 

Quote

So I am trying to tread lightly here. How can I convince her to speak to me. I cant keep living without her and my son. I dont want her to keep seeing this other man. What can I do? I have been giving her time and space. I did come in heavy, demanding to see her, showing up at all times of night. I have laid back.

You have a need to control things, to control her. You need to take a good look at yourself here. You caused the situation with your narcissism and complete disregard for your family. And now you just want her to recover from her emotional injuries on your timetable. Look at yourself, man. Think about how narcissistic that is. 

 

Quote

 I will financially support her, but I need us to work on our marriage.

Yeah, this comment is telling. "I need us to work on our marriage." Do you know what her needs are? Do you care?

 

Quote

  I've never cheated on her before. I've always been open and honest with her.  I will do whatever it takes.

I don't believe this for a moment. Cheating involves a lot of deception - more than just the act of having sex in secret. 

 

Quote

I need some advice. I need a fresh perspective.  I am overthinking because I'm overwhelmed. Thank You in advance. 

1. Think long and hard about why you did this. What are the reasons that you chose intimacy with your affair partner over intimacy with your wife.

2. Understand this: you don't matter anymore. If you want to repair the trust, you first have to accept that your self, your ego, your feelings...all of that is a lot less important. You have to be willing to give up your ego. This is going to be painful because you're going to have to accept her anger and resentment for a long time. If you love her truly and deeply, you will accept it. If you still love yourself more than you love her, you will resist, and the marriage - what's left of it - will die fairly quickly.

 

 

Edited January 28, 2022 by amerikajin

[amerikajin]

9 hours ago, Italian Muse said:

I mean she's a angel as in she's a great person.  She's not deserving of any of what I put her through. 

In honesty I had this affair because I am a idiot.  I had a damn near perfect wife.  We had communication, great sex. She was always supportive.  I was thinking with my dick. I wanted to have sex with this beautiful woman and I did.  I just kept doing it. 

I was a fool. 

You took her love for granted. You put your own desires for sexual excitement and personal affirmation over her needs to have a stable, loving partner. It's that simple. 

I'm actually not trying to judge you. I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you as a whole person are defined by your failure as a husband, but I think it's important to be brutally honest with yourself and admit faults. You obviously have a lot of good qualities as a person - you probably chose your occupation because you enjoy helping others. Your wife probably saw a lot of good qualities in you. But we all have faults and we have a responsibility to find them and fix them.

It's probably been said already but find a therapist who can help you. Find an individual therapist for yourself so that you can understand why you did this and what your personal weaknesses are, and if the marriage is still salvageable, approach your wife about couple's counseling. 

[ASG]

Dude. You cheated on your wife, she kicked you out, asked ofr a divorce and is now making her own decisions. 

What this guy is doing at her place is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It stopped being your business when you cheated on her with her best friend and got caught. 

Period. 

Let it go. She will do whatever she wants to and that is nothing to do with you, as per her wishes. She's done with you. 

You trying to interfere will only get you in legal trouble. 

[Taramere]

On 1/26/2022 at 8:34 PM, Italian Muse said:

I've said in previous comments I am willing to do ANYTHING  for her. I know. I sound pathetic.  I dont deserve sympathy.  I am just saying I will do whatever it takes 

Over the course of the 3 months you were cheating, did you contemplate the possibility of what would happen if/when you got caught?  If so, did you contemplate the possibility of the fallout being as extensive and hard to bear as it has been?

[Italian Muse]

3 minutes ago, Taramere said:

Over the course of the 3 months you were cheating, did you contemplate the possibility of what would happen if/when you got caught?  If so, did you contemplate the possibility of the fallout being as extensive and hard to bear as it has been?

I contemplated it every time I cheated. I would get nauseous sometimes after. I was depressed at the end.  Almost hoping to be "caught" because I couldn't confess something so terrible to my wife.

The other woman was telling me she loved me.  Demanding I stop having sex with my wife!! She even went as far as introducing my wife to this guy my wife is now hanging around with. I found out he wanted to sleep with her. So now I'm feeling resentment towards the other woman. I feel she set me up! Threatened to tell everyone about the affair,  she said she loved me.  I think her obsession with me, scared me.

I never suspected the fall would be this bad. I have so much regret. My heart is breaking.  I see how badly I hurt my wife. She's lost everything. Her family,  best friend and her health. She's extremely frail. I caused this. Her dizzy spells are back. I never thought I would cause this to happen.  I'm so ashamed and it feels like a death. 

[Italian Muse]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

I mean, yes, this is true. But why were you, an intelligent person who can do risk/reward analyses, a fool? We all have primal urges yet manage to remain within the bounds of civilized society. What kind of boundaries or lack thereof did you have with women you'd want to sleep with? What kind of coping skills do you have to deal with stress in healthy ways? How can you protect yourself against your areas of weakness?

You really need to get into counseling to gain these insights and become the best version of yourself you can be. You do this because you want to be healthy and whole and not someone who hurts those he loves most, not because it might get your wife back.

I'm not sure if you realize how entitled it comes across that you had a terrible affair (you haven't even mentioned how upsetting it must be for your wife to lose her best friend and her childcare along with everything else) and now you just can't accept that the marriage could be over. You can't just go around harming your spouse and changing the rules on her and then ignoring her wishes for how to move forward. It says, "I can hurt you however I want, make you lose your best friend, and traumatize you, but I should still get to have what I want . . . a marriage with you."

So again, it's not just that you thought with your d*ck one time and then got in over your head. You are showing an inability to control your impulses in your actions now too. That's certainly not reassuring to your wife.

I have had a inability to control my impulses. Especially with women. In the past. Before I fell for my wife. I didn't respect women. My wife is the first woman who has changed my mind. I  didn't push her for sex. I respected her too much. 

I thought I grew out of impulses of the past. I had not. I admit I talk myself into stupid s***. Like, for example. I saw my wife and baby. I was feeling some kind of way. I figured I could convince her to have sex with me.  Then she would forgive me.  I  snapped back to reality when I began touching her and she asked me to never touch her again. 

I am getting help. I know I have a lot of work to do.  I know that if the role was reversed.  I  would be in jail. I would have killed the guy. My blood boils thinking about anyone else touching my wife.  I know I have a long way to go. 

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

The other woman was telling me she loved me.  Demanding I stop having sex with my wife!! She even went as far as introducing my wife to this guy my wife is now hanging around with. I found out he wanted to sleep with her. So now I'm feeling resentment towards the other woman. I feel she set me up! Threatened to tell everyone about the affair,  she said she loved me.  I think her obsession with me, scared me.

This is what happens when you play with fire. The only resentment you should be feeling is toward yourself. While you say you take responsibility, you're still diverting blame in another direction - your wife's best friend was so beautiful, you could not resist (her fault, not yours), now you believe she set you up (again, playing the victim.) 

Nope. I'll believe you feel responsible for the pain you caused your wife when you stop deflecting. Have you started therapy to see why you can't keep it in your pants, and why you so easily betrayed your wife...in your home...with her best friend...for three months - and continued until you got caught? When you start working on your own problems, without trying to control the situation with your wife, that's when I will believe you have remorse.

[Italian Muse]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's basically it.

Ok. Get an attorney who thinks with the head on his shoulders. You'll need a good one.

 

 

I don't need a great Lawyer.  I will give her everything.  I have no intention to fight her for anything.  

[Taramere]

24 minutes ago, Italian Muse said:

I never suspected the fall would be this bad. I have so much regret. My heart is breaking.  I see how badly I hurt my wife. She's lost everything. Her family,  best friend and her health. She's extremely frail. I caused this. Her dizzy spells are back. I never thought I would cause this to happen.  I'm so ashamed and it feels like a death. 

The friend she lost was not a friend.  There are some big problems with laying too much of the blame for a situation at the feet of the Other Women.  Especially if/when it lets the man off the hook and/or prevents a couple from seriously examining problems in the relationship that are nothing to do with the Other Woman.  However...the betrayal by this person your wife classed as her best friend is shocking.  I find myself wondering how far back your wife and this friend went...because the further back they go, the bigger the impact of this betrayal on your wife.  And also, the further back her friendship with somebody as toxic as this woman sounds, the more harm that particular friendship has probably done to her over the years without her probably realising/seeing it.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that you raise any of that with your wife.  I'd hope it's something that may perhaps come up in her own counselling, because this woman very clearly did not have your wife's best interests at heart.  If she's betrayed her in as terrible a way as this, and if the two of them go way back, then the likelihood is that there have been other betrayals.  

I do think, as others have said (and as I implied in a previous post) that some of your behaviour - for instance the oubreak of rage & jealousy regarding the man your wife dated - sounds narcissistic.  Realistically, however, we're all on a continuum between being 0 (perfectly well adjusted human, which nobody is) and 10 being the sort of meltdown of a human being who would probably be on death row in jurisdictions which have such a thing.  Massively stressful life circumstances can push people along that continuum to a point where they go from being imperfect but reasonably well functioning to finding themselves in a bad place that there seems no way out of.  Which both you and your wife are most probably in right now.

When that happens it's absolutely horrible of course, but it can also be the beginning of learning things about yourself that you either didn't know about or didn't face in the past.  Which is partly what counselling is about.  Helping you to face up to these aspects of you that come as an unpleasant revelation, and learning to develop techniques for managing them in order to recognise when those aspects of you are being triggered by certain situations, and threatening to push you into making more bad choices that would hurt you and the people you love.  You can't just fix all that by having the carrot of what you want (in this case, your wife being willing to try again with you) dangled in front of you.  It's not an easy task.  Even as doctors who may well have a far greater understanding of psychology and the human condition than the average person, both you and your wife need your own, separate counsellors to help you make sense of what has happened, to learn healthy strategies for getting yourselves through it...and to also learn what parts of your thinking or character may have contributed to you making poor choices.  

Your wife needs space - free of you pressurising her to allow you back into her life when she has no reason to believe that you've made the necessary improvements to yourself to prevent something like this from happening again.  However, if the two of you are in touch, I'd see no harm in letting her know that you are seeking counselling to help you understand why you sabotaged things in this way and to develop far better coping mechanisms to prevent you sabotaging your own happiness (and the happiness of others you love) in the future.  But if you follow that up with more pressure on your wife to let you make it up to her/let you back into her life then you're not doing her any favours.  You need counselling because you need counselling - and not because it'll necessarily save your marriage.

Edited January 28, 2022 by Taramere