What to do?

[Greenman13]

Last summer my wife of 11 years left her phone at home whilst she was out and I checked her messages for some reason (I had never done this in the whole time we were together. I found some messages to an old male friend (who I never knew) that were slightly inappropriate but not too bad like him saying how beautiful she was and her wishing him a Happy Valentines day etc. I confronted her and she said there was nothing in it. A couple of months later I checked her phone and she had been messaging an old boyfriend (her first love) and she wad trying to meet up with him and saying she treated him really badly and that she saw herself with him not now but maybe in the future. To his credit he did not reciprocate these as he is in a relationship with kids. I was angry and confronted her and she said there was nothing it it-it happened one night when she was drunk and she loves me etc etc. A few months ago I checked again (I know I shouldn't have but I want to know what's going on with my wife and marriage) There was some fairly innocuous messages from a father of my youngest child who she had met at football or the school yard. There was nothing to suggest that this is anything but innocent but it annoyed me after everything that happened in the summer. He would also be tagging her in things on Facebook. My wife was deleting messages from him and has now changed the password on her phone so I can't see what is going on which is driving me nuts. I have never, ever been like this in a relationship and am not a jealous person but I am imagining all sorts of scenarios in my head. I have half a mind to walk out of my marriage over this but my wife assures me that it is all above board and I shouldn't prevent her from having friends. Also these messages come both late at night and early in the morning. Like 11.30 on a Saturday night. I have a couple of female friends but never text them multiple times in the same night and have known them long before I got together with my wife. Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want to come over as controlling but want to know what's going on. If my wife wants out fine but just don't keep me in suspense like this.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Greenman13 said:

 My wife has now changed the password on her phone so I can't see what is going on which is driving me nuts.

Why were you rifling through her phone to begin with? It sounds like injustice collecting.

There's a lot more issues here than messaging. Your marriage lacks trust and honesty.

If you hope to regain trust you may want to consider marriage therapy to get the cards on the table and find out what is happening.

 

 

[glows]

You’ve described losing trust in the marriage and not sure if you can see her in the same way any longer in your Aug/21 thread.

It’s been a struggle for awhile and you received advice about marriage counselling in the previous thread but also didn’t respond to any of the replies. Have you both talked about that or are you still keeping all this to yourself? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

As soon as she finds a taker, you're likely going to find that she leaves your marriage. 

It's not "nothing." These dudes she's trying to bait aren't just "friends." 

You already know this, though. Are you prepared to wait until she leaves? That's where this is heading. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Greenman13 said:

Last summer my wife of 11 years left her phone at home whilst she was out and I checked her messages for some reason (I had never done this in the whole time we were together. I found some messages to an old male friend (who I never knew) that were slightly inappropriate but not too bad like him saying how beautiful she was and her wishing him a Happy Valentines day etc. I confronted her and she said there was nothing in it. A couple of months later I checked her phone and she had been messaging an old boyfriend (her first love) and she wad trying to meet up with him and saying she treated him really badly and that she saw herself with him not now but maybe in the future. To his credit he did not reciprocate these as he is in a relationship with kids. I was angry and confronted her and she said there was nothing it it-it happened one night when she was drunk and she loves me etc etc. A few months ago I checked again (I know I shouldn't have but I want to know what's going on with my wife and marriage) There was some fairly innocuous messages from a father of my youngest child who she had met at football or the school yard. There was nothing to suggest that this is anything but innocent but it annoyed me after everything that happened in the summer. He would also be tagging her in things on Facebook. My wife was deleting messages from him and has now changed the password on her phone so I can't see what is going on which is driving me nuts. I have never, ever been like this in a relationship and am not a jealous person but I am imagining all sorts of scenarios in my head. I have half a mind to walk out of my marriage over this but my wife assures me that it is all above board and I shouldn't prevent her from having friends. Also these messages come both late at night and early in the morning. Like 11.30 on a Saturday night. I have a couple of female friends but never text them multiple times in the same night and have known them long before I got together with my wife. Any advice would be appreciated as I don't want to come over as controlling but want to know what's going on. If my wife wants out fine but just don't keep me in suspense like this.

As a woman who was just behaving like this with a MM, I can tell you that it's highly in appropriate.  I swear fb and messenger are breading grounds for affairs to start. People connect with people from years past and bingo the stage is set for chatting, flirting and so much more. The only way to fix this is get to the bottom of why she does this. Do not be afraid of conflict and work on the relationship as something is clearly missing if she is giving that much attention to another man. You deserve the who truth from here. Good luck.