The girl I loved confessed her love to me but I had to turn her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

[DopplerEffect]

Back in 2018, a new girl joined my workplace and I had a friendly colleague like relation with her. She would often come to me for help with office related stuff as I was experienced. Over time I grew a crush on her but I let it remain as is with no intention of taking it forward as I thought she was bound to be in a relationship already.

 

At the beginning of 2019, she added me on Facebook and would occasionally send me messages and we would chat about work stuff and current affairs etc. Then around June she got into an accident and required 19 stitches in her arm. I got very upset and agitated over it and started to take daily updates and giving her suggestions. She started responding and contacting on her own. I soon realized that I had fallen in love with her. We started having long and deep conversations (but mostly text) at this point. Two months later, feeling that her responses were positive, I told her that I had feelings for her, but she replied that she didn't think it as such and going down this path would only hurt me, but we could be really good friends. She told me that she was not in a relationship but she had her issues and darkness, therefore I should stray away from this.

I continued maintaining the friendship, but soon we started talking over the phone, and we used to talk for hours, but always she would be the initiator of these conversations. For some reason, after my confession, she became very demanding of my time and attention, and soon I found myself being an emotional support for her, and she became fully dependent on me for this support. She was being secretive about some parts of her life, but I maintained the conversions and egged deeper to figure out what her issues were and why it was not okay to give me a straight yes/no answer.

 

In the end, she confessed that she had been in relationship with A which broke off badly and before moving on fully went into relationship with B. Relationship with B became strained for some reason and she somehow started going on dates with C for a time. Later she figured out her mistake and moved away from C, but couldn't come clear with B and neither get off the relationship with B.

 

by December 2019, I figured that she had started developing feelings for me while in a complex relationship with B. I decided to butt out of the situation, andput some distance between me and her. The situation was totally unfair for B. I started putting distance while maintaining the friendship, is was very difficult as she would continuously try to maintain the communication. I also started to move on from her. Moreover, due to my love for her, I just couldn't be cold.

 

In 2020, office moved online and it aided in creating distance, but not enough. I kept trying to cut off communication, in the end, started ignoring her from around August 2020. She would keep trying to communicate with me and kept asking me for time to sort her mess. I didn't give in, to it. I minimized communication and responded to some texts only occasionally. in December 2020, she informed me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and came clean with him. I didn't give in and continued to ignore her calls and demands for attention. I kept having a hellish, nightmare of a time trying to move on from the love that had developed.

 

In early 2021, I was successful in moving on from her and was able to consider her just a friend. I could now take interest in other possible dates and maybe something serious. Then around June 2021, I wished her birthday and she texted that its her birthday and requested me to pick her phone. I did, and she started crying over my coldness and distant behavior. She demanded to meet me once outside office. I kept that request, and during that meeting she told me that she had feelings for me and asked me if I wanted to consider. I told her that it was too late and asked her to move on.

 

She kept on trying to convince me to accept her, but I didn't budge and told her to move on repeatedly. Last night (its 2022 now) she called, and told me directly that for her I was the love of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything.I told her that it was too late, I had a hell of a time to move on from her, it was a nightmare to suppress my love while maintaining a friend zoned relationship. I told her that I am honored, and I respect her confession, but I wouldn't be able to reciprocate now. I can't just undo the process of killing the feelings I had. She cried, threw some pretty harsh words at me, at told me that I am not going to find someone who loves me more than her and hung up..Ever since I turned her down, I am feeling pretty down, and feel absolutely s*** and guilty for crushing her feelings.I just want to know what you guys with the 3rd eye perspective think? Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

 

I really appreciate you for taking the time to read this essay and help me out.

 

**TL;DR;** : I had loved a girl who was in a relationship but she had a good friendship with me and leaned on me for emotional support. I moved on and created distance as I figured she is developing feelings for me while being in a relationship with another guy. She later broke up and confessed that I was the lover of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything. I told her it was not possible now, I had moved on and had to deal with a really hard time for that. She became upset and told me I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up. I feel very guilty and sad for turning her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DopplerEffect said:

she confessed that she had been in relationship with A which broke off badly and before moving on fully went into relationship with B. Relationship with B became strained for some reason and she somehow started going on dates with C for a time. Later she figured out her mistake and moved away from C, but couldn't come clear with B and neither get off the relationship with B.

in December 2020, she informed me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and came clean with him.

You dodged a bullet. You were smart to avoid someone who lies, cheats, uses men and is generally bad news.

This type thrives on drama and playing men. Nothing but headaches and heartaches if you had taken the bait.

[glows]

Love doesn't behave that way.

You did all the correct things - distancing yourself and keeping busy. Guilt is often an unexpected emotion even when you are convinced it's the right thing to do but don't be confused. Just let the emotions pass and the dust clear. 

Don't keep reacting to her and surround yourself with other people. Continue to not pick up any work-related phone calls and disable or mute her contact so you do not receive notifications from her any longer. She will either have to work on her issues or unfortunately find another person to latch on to. Hopefully she does work on her issues.

[DopplerEffect]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. You were smart to avoid someone who lies, cheats, uses men and is generally bad news.

This type thrives on drama and playing men. Nothing but headaches and heartaches if you had taken the bait.

Thanks you so much for your views, really appreciate it. Feel so relieved.
For the time that I did love her, I had trains of headaches and heartaches. I also had to give up on things that are important to me.

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Love doesn't behave that way.

You did all the correct things - distancing yourself and keeping busy. Guilt is often an unexpected emotion even when you are convinced it's the right thing to do but don't be confused. Just let the emotions pass and the dust clear. 

Don't keep reacting to her and surround yourself with other people. Continue to not pick up any work-related phone calls and disable or mute her contact so you do not receive notifications from her any longer. She will either have to work on her issues or unfortunately find another person to latch on to. Hopefully she does work on her issues.

Thank you so much. I feel relieved.
I transferred to a different role at work about 6 months back so that I don't have to work with her and have different supervisors.

I hope that she works on her issues as well..

[glows]

3 minutes ago, DopplerEffect said:

I transferred to a different role at work about 6 months back so that I don't have to work with her and have different supervisors.

That is very good. Focus on this and keep your eye on the ball. There are a lot of distractions at work so this is only one of them. Stay humble and keep striving to do well in the company. Avoid complications and most of all value your work/life balance. When it's time to relax and play, put work aside and don't let that interfere with your time off. 

[DopplerEffect]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

That is very good. Focus on this and keep your eye on the ball. There are a lot of distractions at work so this is only one of them. Stay humble and keep striving to do well in the company. Avoid complications and most of all value your work/life balance. When it's time to relax and play, put work aside and don't let that interfere with your time off. 

Thank you.

That is really good advice. I have been doing to much work, as means to distract myself and move on from that person, I do need to relax and balance my life.