Still think about her.

[MarcoInaros]

I still think about my last girlfriend. I'm sure a lot of people do. We dated between August 2020 and February 2021. She was the first girl I was ever intimate with. We didn't go on any big trips because everything was closed down to the pandemic, but we hiked, bicycled and paddleboarded together. We made dinner for each other and spent the night at each other's houses. We dated for about 6 months, but were only really intimate for about 1 and a half. She dumped me on the day after Valentines day, and one week before my birthday. I think it was because I wasn't satisfying her intimately, and she said there wasn't enough passion. This was painful to me, and in hindsight I could have done a few things differently. But I wish instead of dumping me we could have talked about it and tried to fix things. I think a lesson learned for me was that communication is critical in understanding how your partner feels and what they want.

We decided to stay friends. This was because I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her again (I know, extremely beta of me). So I introduced her to my friends, and groups. We went paddleboarding and hiking as friends now. I think at some point one of the guys in the group invited her to a party, and she invited me because she wanted to know someone there. So I went. Later In October I learned she was dating this guy who invited her. He is a total douchebag who has a history of harassment and predatory behavior against women. I became so angry that I cut her off from all forms of social media. But I still looked at the Facebook account of the guy she was dating. He posted how they both went to Hawaii together for six full days, and they went to Orange County. They did all these things together. I felt devastated because I think I still had feelings for her and thought about how we could have done that. I've never traveled with a girl like that. 

I still think about her. I haven't seen her in person since September. And haven't texted since October. Maybe I am obsessed with her, because I haven't found someone to replace her with. I wonder if I will ever find a woman of that caliber again who is interested in me, especially since we are getting old and I am almost 42. I'm on several dating apps, and do a lot of social in person events, but it's not working out. It's just constantly painful and I keep getting triggered by this. It's a little cathartic to write about this (like journaling), so I appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

I introduced her to my friends, and groups. I think at some point one of the guys in the group invited her to a party, and she invited me because she wanted to know someone there. So I went. Later In October I learned she was dating this guy who invited her. . I became so angry that I cut her off from all forms of social media.

Sorry this happened. It's normal to miss someone you had feelings for.

It sounds like it took seeing her true colors (using you unwittingly  as a wingman) to finally take off the rose colored  glasses and cut her off.

That may help with closure so you can move forward in peace.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, MarcoInaros said:

 We dated for about 6 months, but were only really intimate for about 1 and a half.

 

Is there a reason you waited 4.5 months to become intimate?? Seems a bit long to wait (for mature 40+ year old adults).

1 hour ago, MarcoInaros said:

She dumped me on the day after Valentines day...

 

Did you get her anything for Valentines day??  If so, what??

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, MarcoInaros said:

I still think about her. I haven't seen her in person since September. And haven't texted since October. Maybe I am obsessed with her, because I haven't found someone to replace her with. I wonder if I will ever find a woman of that caliber again who is interested in me, especially since we are getting old and I am almost 42. I'm on several dating apps, and do a lot of social in person events, but it's not working out. It's just constantly painful and I keep getting triggered by this. It's a little cathartic to write about this (like journaling), so I appreciate it.

It is natural to still think about her, especially considering the sting of knowing she's now with a guy you consider unworthy of her, but you are not going to be able to move forward and find someone new if you are still obsessing about her.

You're not old, for crying out loud! Love knows no age. I've found dating apps are not successful. You might be better off joining meetup and going to some social events in your area. There are plenty of hiking groups. I'm sure there are biking and paddleboarding groups, as well. Start putting yourself out there. You'll find someone better suited to you.

[MarcoInaros]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Is there a reason you waited 4.5 months to become intimate?? Seems a bit long to wait (for mature 40+ year old adults).

Did you get her anything for Valentines day??  If so, what??

I hadn't been intimate before. I am a little shy. But now that I have some experience I am initiating sooner. So yes, I didn't really pursue that. And I think the main reason was because I didn't want to scare her or ruin things. So I took it slow. I noticed that she started getting intimate with her new boyfriend much sooner, based on the Facebook posts. Like within one month. It hurts.

I took her out to a nice dinner and bought flowers. She took the flowers even though we broke up. I didn't handle her correctly, obviously. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by MarcoInaros

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, MarcoInaros said:

I took her out to a nice dinner and bought flowers. 

That probably wasn't what she was looking for... A woman likes to open a wrapped gift on Valentines day, her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.  When in doubt get something with her birthstone in it (provided her birthday isn't in April).  Birthstone earrings or a birthstone necklace or something along those lines. 

5 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

I hadn't been intimate before. I am a little shy. But now that I have some experience I am initiating sooner.

 

OK... going forward you now have some experience and things will smoother next time.  And there will be a next time, just get out there and talk to people, meet people, try to chit-chat with women - make small talk.  If they seem receptive try to get their number, etc.

[MarcoInaros]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

That probably wasn't what she was looking for... A woman likes to open a wrapped gift on Valentines day, her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.  When in doubt get something with her birthstone in it (provided her birthday isn't in April).  Birthstone earrings or a birthstone necklace or something along those lines. 

OK... going forward you now have some experience and things will smoother next time.  And there will be a next time, just get out there and talk to people, meet people, try to chit-chat with women - make small talk.  If they seem receptive try to get their number, etc.

I think there were problems in our relationship before valentines day. She one time asked me if we were right for each other while laying in bed. I just didn't know how to communicate or process these things. There were several warning signs. If I was more experienced, I would have seen them. She didn't help much with communicating because she is kind of an introvert too.

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

There were several warning signs. If I was more experienced, I would have seen them.

Life is about gaining experience in things we are unfamiliar with.  So, you've learned some lessons about women, relationships, etc. that you can now apply to your next dating encounter.

24 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

I think there were problems in our relationship before valentines day.

OK... but I find it odd that she used Valentines Day as a "line of demarcation".  She knew your birthday was a week away, she could have allowed you to have a nice birthday, but instead dumped you directly after Valentines Day.

Almost like... "I'll hang in there until Valentines Day and scoop up what (material items) I can get, then I'll dump him"  Kind of cold in my opinion. I mean Valentines Day is for Lovers.  And you know she was thinking about dumping you prior to Valentines Day, so why go through the farce of pretending you guys were a couple for Valentines.  At the end of the day, she was cold and calculating, letting you think you were a happy Valentines Day couple, when in reality she had her plan (to dump you) in place.

[MarcoInaros]

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Life is about gaining experience in things we are unfamiliar with.  So, you've learned some lessons about women, relationships, etc. that you can now apply to your next dating encounter.

OK... but I find it odd that she used Valentines Day as a "line of demarcation".  She knew your birthday was a week away, she could have allowed you to have a nice birthday, but instead dumped you directly after Valentines Day.

Almost like... "I'll hang in there until Valentines Day and scoop up what (material items) I can get, then I'll dump him"  Kind of cold in my opinion. I mean Valentines Day is for Lovers.  And you know she was thinking about dumping you prior to Valentines Day, so why go through the farce of pretending you guys were a couple for Valentines.  At the end of the day, she was cold and calculating, letting you think you were a happy Valentines Day couple, when in reality she had her plan (to dump you) in place.

She was horrible to me. But I was too naïve and inexperienced to know how to deal with it. I still am, but I'm a little better than before.

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

She was horrible to me.

When you start thinking about all the great hiking, biking and paddle boarding, etc. also remember that it was horrible to treat you that way.

The day after Valentines Day... She let you think you were some happy couple, the whole time knowing she was dumping you.  I'm sure she smiled during dinner (putting on a great act) and in the back of her mind knowing exactly what was coming in the next few hours.

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

She was horrible to me.

I just wanted to add... How hard would it have been for her to wait a week and allow you to have a nice birthday??  Make a quick spaghetti dinner, make or buy a cake, so you could remember a nice birthday.

I can throw a spaghetti dinner together in under 30 minutes, make a cake from scratch in about 45 minutes.  I would never dump a woman right before her birthday, I'd try to make it "nice".  I mean she would have meant something to me at some point, so throw together a quick meal and sing "Happy Birthday"... how hard is that.

 

[MarcoInaros]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I just wanted to add... How hard would it have been for her to wait a week and allow you to have a nice birthday??  Make a quick spaghetti dinner, make or buy a cake, so you could remember a nice birthday.

I can throw a spaghetti dinner together in under 30 minutes, make a cake from scratch in about 45 minutes.  I would never dump a woman right before her birthday, I'd try to make it "nice".  I mean she would have meant something to me at some point, so throw together a quick meal and sing "Happy Birthday"... how hard is that.

 

She did offer to buy me dinner for my birthday, which she did. But it was akward and painful. 

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

She did offer to buy me dinner for my birthday, which she did. But it was akward and painful. 

Because she had already dumped you, she could have waited an extra week or two to break up.  She waited to see what she was going to get for Valentines Day.

[MarcoInaros]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Because she had already dumped you, she could have waited an extra week or two to break up.  She waited to see what she was going to get for Valentines Day.

She definitely was thinking of breaking up with me. But she didn't communicate anything to me. We weren't communicating how we were really feeling. That's both of our faults I guess. We could have fixed it though if we just communicated. I was too inexperienced.

Edited January 27, 2022 by MarcoInaros

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, MarcoInaros said:

We weren't communicating how we were really feeling.

How is it your fault that she didn't communicate that she was unhappy??  Are you supposed to check in daily and make sure she is happy & all is well?? 

I don't check in with my girlfriend to make sure she is happy.  I expect if something is wrong, she'll tell me, as she has in the past.  In my opinion, that is how relationships are supposed to work.  It's generally assumed that all is well, unless otherwise stated.

This isn't your fault, there is no need to beat yourself up or feel bad about her actions.

[MarcoInaros]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

How is it your fault that she didn't communicate that she was unhappy??  Are you supposed to check in daily and make sure she is happy & all is well?? 

I don't check in with my girlfriend to make sure she is happy.  I expect if something is wrong, she'll tell me, as she has in the past.  In my opinion, that is how relationships are supposed to work.  It's generally assumed that all is well, unless otherwise stated.

This isn't your fault, there is no need to beat yourself up or feel bad about her actions.

Ok. You're right. She never did voice concerns. She just dumped me. 

[MarcoInaros]

11 minutes ago, MarcoInaros said:

Ok. You're right. She never did voice concerns. She just dumped me. 

It's just so painful, because I feel inadequate. This guy, who has had girlfriends throughout his life, and tons of sex, gets the girl that dumped me. Because I couldn't satisfy her. I wonder if there is a conspiracy, or if I am just damaged or deficient in some way. I just don't get why this happened to me, why this is my life. I mean, why I have had such a lack of relationships, and why those few relationships I've had have been so unsatisfying, and hurtful. It just speaks to a larger, broader issue in my life I need to address.

[glows]

Ok stop looking at that guy's social media account. Why are you even friends with another man like that? Start choosing and picking your company a little better and let go of the past year's issues and this one person. All of this is a learning experience. 

You can continue to berate yourself and feel down or continue the same pattern looking for women of "that caliber" or start devising a new criteria for yourself when it comes to, again, choosing your company more carefully. 

You were very inexperienced with dating and sex so some of this is to be expected. Try not to be so hard on yourself just because of your age. You'll fall into a negative loop, thinking that only bad things happen to you. Try to balance your thoughts out a little.

If you're exclusively dating online, mix things up and meet women also offline. Join interest groups, volunteer, be with others who also support a cause or dedicate your life to more than just finding a partner or being in a relationship. There's more to life than just this dating thing. Only keep learning and go with the flow. She's not the one for you. Move forwards.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, MarcoInaros said:

 I just don't get why this happened to me, why this is my life. I mean, why I have had such a lack of relationships, and why those few relationships

You have to put yourself out there, you have to put on a smile and go out and meet people, talk to people.  You are a salesman, selling yourself... Always Be Closing.  You have to be interesting and fun. 

You stated you were introverted, well you are going to have to pretend you are not introverted and get out there.  You have to mimic what successful guys (like your friend) do to meet and date women.  Is it going to be hard... yes!  Anything worth having is hard.  You want a relationship with a woman, you have to work at it.  And yes its going to be extra hard because you are introverted and not all that experienced.  Will you be rejected... yes and often, but you have to let it roll off of you (like water off a duck's back).  Every guy out there has been rejected, you pick yourself up and go to the next one.

When I was young, I watched what guys (who were successful with women) did to secure dates.  Initially, I did what they did and eventually developed my own set of skillz.  You can too!!