Lovely Difficulties Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 I am supposed to be getting married this year and feeling incredibly sad about it. We aren't all that young, in our 30s, and I have had a lot of individual and independent experiences, got used to being single and even embraced it. As a single person, I did well for myself, and started to give up on meeting someone. I did a lot of traveling solo and enjoyed having the freedom to pick up and go places. We started dating about two years ago, and just over a year in, he proposed. It was a bit on the fast side, but I still went with it because I felt it was the right thing to do. I told him at that time I thought we needed a little more time, but he was so excited and so was everyone else. When I think about getting married, it's mixed feelings, but worried that I am signing myself up for a life that I'll regret. There's a part of me that's afraid that I am going to get stuck. I used to dream about living in different places, international even, and while he enjoys traveling, he is not as much up for picking up and moving somewhere. We grew up in different places, and I'm worried that will cause conflict someday if we have kids, as neither of us has ties where the other grew up. He said he felt very early on that I was one. For me, it was refreshing to be with someone who was committed and loyal, after having a series of relationships that didn't have a future. We've shared a lot, and they've been enjoyable. I wish I could feel happy, but right now I just feel depressed. When I think about my dream partner, he isn't quite it, but there are a lot of good things about him, and my friends and family all approve. I also realized that the dream person didn't exist, which is why I had remained single for a while. Any thoughts? Is it normal to be feeling this way, or is this a bad sign? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 This part is the most worrisome: "When I think about my dream partner, he isn't quite it" What are your reasons for getting married? Is it because you want children? I would end the relationship post haste and without further ado so you can free yourself and find a man whom you are in love with to enjoy having a family with. How do you envision your dream partner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 Well if you aren't excited or happy about getting married now you will be miserable after you do. The first year of marriage can be rough getting adjusted and it's that great love and passion that gets you through it. Without it, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
huntfishcamp Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 I will offer some perspective as a married man... I don't think your feelings are unnatural at all. In fact, it's normal for these types of things to be running through you head as it's going to be a significant life change for your future! Especially since it sounds like you are two very different people. But have faith! Love can overcome these differences if you truly love each other and are willing to accommodate each other! My advice is to have a serious conversation with your fiancée and bring these concerns to his attention immediately. This is perhaps the most important conversation you will ever have with your potential future husband, as it sets the stage for the agreement of your marriage. Based on what you've said, I think it is very possible for you to still enjoy many of the activities and freedoms you currently have but as a married person. Furthermore, these qualities are probably some of the reasons why your fiancée loves you, as you have a sense of adventure and independence. One red flag I might point out is the moving/traveling aspect, as this is something my wife and I have struggled with. Traveling is one thing, but where you decide to live is another. You guys are likely going to have to make a compromise here because, if your husband is anything like me, he may not want to move far away from where he grew up, or at least permanently. I've moved twice from my home state but my goal is to get back and my wife hasn't necessarily been on board with that. What I'm getting at is: can you both be flexible or make a compromise to accommodate both of your needs? Like, if you genuinely want to live abroad one day and he is adamantly against it, then that's a future conflict and likely broken dreams. The other red flag I'm sensing is your lack of excitement for the marriage. It's one thing to be concerned and overwhelmed about such a major change, but it's another thing to feel sad about it. That's a gut feeling right there that you have to dig deep and check yourself on if this really is right for you. Most people who get married are so in love and willing to do whatever it take to make each other happy, but if your immediate reaction is depression, then I really question if this is the right decision for you. Some people say that you will know when you know, about the right person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovely Difficulties Posted January 28, 2022 Author Share Posted January 28, 2022 I'd say we love each other, we are comfortable with each other, and loyal and honest with each other. We've also been able to work through some of our conflicts together well. I just don't feel the butterflies as strongly. I don't think I ever did. There were others in my past that I felt that more strongly with, but they didn't work out for a reason. Getting married isn't solely because I want children, not sure that we do. For me, it would be to share and build a life with someone. The thing that is giving me the most hesitancy is letting go of being able to go after the life I want since I'm not sure he wants the same things, such as living internationally. Or fear, that I am going to have to give up on my dreams for the relationship. I don't think if I left this relationship I would try to meet anyone else, I would just choose to stay single. A dream partnership would be someone who is a best friend, who wants to share the life together as a team, which it seems he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 1 minute ago, ClassySassy said: I'd say we love each other, we are comfortable with each other, and loyal and honest with each other. We've also been able to work through some of our conflicts together well. I just don't feel the butterflies as strongly. I don't think I ever did. There were others in my past that I felt that more strongly with, but they didn't work out for a reason. Getting married isn't solely because I want children, not sure that we do. For me, it would be to share and build a life with someone. The thing that is giving me the most hesitancy is letting go of being able to go after the life I want since I'm not sure he wants the same things, such as living internationally. Or fear, that I am going to have to give up on my dreams for the relationship. I don't think if I left this relationship I would try to meet anyone else, I would just choose to stay single. A dream partnership would be someone who is a best friend, who wants to share the life together as a team, which it seems he does. Talk about this together with him. It's not uncommon for couples to move. How you plan that together and work around the logistics if you stagger that one at a time due to opportunities etc or budget constraints is up to the two of you. Also, nothing is guaranteed in or outside of marriage. You both may separate or go your different ways anyway regardless of the legal contract. Have you both considered premarital counselling? Do some research into it and see whether you both might benefit from that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovely Difficulties Posted January 28, 2022 Author Share Posted January 28, 2022 Going into it with the mindset that we might separate someday is not the mindset I want to go into marriage. It just doesn't feel nearly as exciting as I thought it would to get married. I sort of thought it would be a whirlwind adventure, and I realize I am signing myself up for a fairly boring life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 28 minutes ago, ClassySassy said: The thing that is giving me the most hesitancy is letting go of being able to go after the life I want since I'm not sure he wants the same things, such as living internationally. Or fear, that I am going to have to give up on my dreams for the relationship. Getting married doesn’t mean that you stop dreaming - it is still very possible to live a life that brings you joy. You can travel, live abroad, have children, buy a boat - the world is your oyster… What concerns me is that you think that you have different goals in life - you want different things. All fine, if the difference is that you like to read and he likes to golf. You have enough in common that will keep you together on a good path that brings you both joy, and you have the freedom to still pursue your own interest. That said, when one of your plans is to live abroad and he absolutely refuses to consider the possibility - you need to do a hard assessment of how important hat goal is for you. If it’s not something that you feel strongly about and you will find joy in the life you create together - that’s fine. If not doing this one thing will create resentment and leave you feeling unfulfilled - you have a hard decision to make. Is there a compromise here? Would he agree to live abroad for a set period of time before you have children and return “home?” Would that meet your need? These are the things you need to be discussing… Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, ClassySassy said: I sort of thought it would be a whirlwind adventure, and I realize I am signing myself up for a fairly boring life. It is what you make of it - Some will find life (with children) to be a fairly boring existence. Others will be infinitely satisfied raising their children and creating memories with their family. While others will create a “whirlwind adventure” - pack their children up and travel the world as a family for six months. The important thing is - that you and your partner have the same dreams and goals for you future and your family. That’s all. Edited January 28, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 38 minutes ago, ClassySassy said: I just don't feel the butterflies as strongly. I don't think I ever did. Marriage isn’t about butterflies. Marriage is about choosing to love each other when you don’t feel butterflies everyday - Butterflies are highly overrated. They are a feeling - those who make life decisions based on feelings tend to find themselves often disappointed. That said, you need to be attracted to your partner - you should want to kiss him, and feel proud of the person that he is, laugh and have long talks together, care for and support each other. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 I think some reservations are normal. That being said, you should both be on the same page when it comes to the basics - children, where you will live, etc. Living abroad doesn't have to be a deal breaker. If one or both of you are in a career field that will allow you to live abroad for a period of time, perhaps you could agree to living abroad for a year or two, then coming back to the area where you expect to settle. Also, married life is what you make it. Being married doesn't equate to boring. You can still have all the life experiences you would have if you were single, with the added bonus of having someone with whom to share those experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 (edited) Is he the right man for you? Before you decide whether world travel, living abroad etc. or marriage would make you happy, reflect. Get to a physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your lassitude, indecisiveness and general malaise. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. A marriage nor a fantasy life of living all over is going to make a depressed person happy or solve inner issues. The reason for mentioning this is that one of your threads stated you were "depressed" about being single.: Edited January 28, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 This might be more common than you think, but it's not normal. Don't proceed. I was in a relationship like this once where I thought the guy was good enough and I ought to be grateful. I know now that marrying him would have destroyed me completely. Life is too short and marriage (even to someone you do really love!) is too hard to do without somebody you're completely committed to. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 You don't marry someone because they want to marry you. And no, I don't think your feelings are normal at all. Depressed. What you're experiencing is what is called and internal red flag: your body and brain are telling you to not get married. It's literally that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Estes Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 Better to break it off now rather than after all the invites are mailed. Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 28, 2022 Share Posted January 28, 2022 I agree you need to speak up asap and have a frank conversation. When I read the title of your post, I recalled my father telling me about a wedding he attended. The groom was sobbing loudly throughout the service, and it wasn’t tears of joy. He said it was so awkward to witness. No surprise the marriage failed fairly quickly, and I don’t believe it was a marriage due to pregnancy. If the idea of getting married is depressing you, that is signed so stop the wedding/end the engagement. Maybe counseling if you are unable to decide what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 Do not get married when you have this many doubts. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 I have talked to a lot of people who got married because basically there was momentum. I actually foolishly did this. There's a deeper issue here. The fact that you are even THINKING about getting married with all these doubts is a sign that you are not asserting yourself and being yourself in this relationship. That habit or tendency to hide and fake it and just go along--that would blow up within days of your marriage. That's like a bomb that's ticking. A marriage has to be based on both people being utra honest and clear about their feelings ... and then figuring out that together they can as a couple--and each as an individual--get what they need in the marriage. Just so you know: your body language is probably revealing more than you think about all your ambivalence. And at some point--if you were to foolishly get married--your spouse will come to you and say, "you don't seem all that happy about being married to me." And here's the trap--it's likely you'll just lie and say "Oh no I really happy. It's just this and that ..." Once you are into lying this much in a marriage (and withholding key feelings is lyng and misleading) you're in deep deep trouble. Let your partner find someone who is excited and thrilled at marrying them. That's apparently not you. That's fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 (edited) On 1/28/2022 at 12:24 PM, ClassySassy said: I am supposed to be getting married this year and feeling incredibly sad about it. We aren't all that young, in our 30s, and I have had a lot of individual and independent experiences, got used to being single and even embraced it. As a single person, I did well for myself, and started to give up on meeting someone. I did a lot of traveling solo and enjoyed having the freedom to pick up and go places. We started dating about two years ago, and just over a year in, he proposed. It was a bit on the fast side, but I still went with it because I felt it was the right thing to do. I told him at that time I thought we needed a little more time, but he was so excited and so was everyone else. When I think about getting married, it's mixed feelings, but worried that I am signing myself up for a life that I'll regret. There's a part of me that's afraid that I am going to get stuck. I used to dream about living in different places, international even, and while he enjoys traveling, he is not as much up for picking up and moving somewhere. We grew up in different places, and I'm worried that will cause conflict someday if we have kids, as neither of us has ties where the other grew up. He said he felt very early on that I was one. For me, it was refreshing to be with someone who was committed and loyal, after having a series of relationships that didn't have a future. We've shared a lot, and they've been enjoyable. I wish I could feel happy, but right now I just feel depressed. When I think about my dream partner, he isn't quite it, but there are a lot of good things about him, and my friends and family all approve. I also realized that the dream person didn't exist, which is why I had remained single for a while. Any thoughts? Is it normal to be feeling this way, or is this a bad sign? It's a bad sign. I'm not judging you or anything - how you feel is how you feel, and it's common for people to be confused about this very big decision and whether it's right for them. We make big decisions from time to time but few decisions can change your life for better or worse like getting married. Having a kid and signing your name on college or home loans are others of similar magnitude. It changes everything. If you're not 100% into it, get out of it. That's the best thing you can do for you and for him. Edited January 29, 2022 by amerikajin Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 On 1/28/2022 at 1:07 PM, huntfishcamp said: In fact, it's normal for these types of things to be running through you head as it's going to be a significant life change for your future! Especially since it sounds like you are two very different people. But have faith! Love can overcome these differences if you truly love each other and are willing to accommodate each other! Respectfully, I disagree with the above. I don't think love by itself overcomes someone not wanting to be married. Marriage is a commitment, and if someone's depressed about getting married and is just going along with her partner's request to get married because she 'thinks it's the right thing to do', that marriage will go down in flames within 5 years, if not 1. I'm also married. Going through a very rough phase but still married after 11 years. I agree that it's normal to wonder whether or not we are mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage and commitment - that's totally normal. But what I'm sensing in the OP is a wistfulness about giving up her independence, and in particular, to the person she's currently with. Marriage is hard work - damn hard sometimes. If you're going into this commitment dreading the idea of giving up independence, I can guarantee it's not going to work unless the OP is a masochist, which I doubt. Quote The other red flag I'm sensing is your lack of excitement for the marriage. It's one thing to be concerned and overwhelmed about such a major change, but it's another thing to feel sad about it. That's a gut feeling right there that you have to dig deep and check yourself on if this really is right for you. Most people who get married are so in love and willing to do whatever it take to make each other happy, but if your immediate reaction is depression, then I really question if this is the right decision for you. Some people say that you will know when you know, about the right person. Exactly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 You can have doubts--the mature person have doubts, but the doubts are nibbles floating around the absolute clarity down to your bones that marriage to this person is absolutely what you want. What YOU want. You do not get unselfish in making the decision to marry. The other person wouldn't want to marry you if they knew the depth of your doubts and the plunge in your mood. The OP has got things reversed. They're depressed about getting married, and the nibbles are about the rightness of the decision. OP, get to therapy and develop some boundaries. Google boundaries in relationships if you don't know what I mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2022 Share Posted January 30, 2022 It depends. I think some degree of questioning oneself or "cold feet" is normal for those of us who are predisposed to overthinking... but if you are getting married to the right person, all that analysis serves to do is eventually affirm your choice. In your case, on the other hand, it seems to have unearthed some rather valid concerns about incompatibility. How big a deal is it? Only you can decide, based on how important travelling the world or living abroad is to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovely Difficulties Posted January 31, 2022 Author Share Posted January 31, 2022 My fiance and I had some good conversations, and I am feeling a bit better. My fiance said he's open to what the future has in store for us regarding potentially living internationally. I guess it's marriage feels a bit boring to me all around, and I am sad about letting go of some of the freedom and excitement that comes with singlehood. I feel that I made my choice at this point. I've struggled with commitment to a degree because I was always searching for something more ideal. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 30 minutes ago, ClassySassy said: I've struggled with commitment to a degree because I was always searching for something more ideal. You do not sound like a bride who is looking forward to marriage but someone who is just settling because you feel that it's time. That's a receipe for disaster. What is your ideal? Perhaps you should wait for it because your attitude doesn't seem fair to the man you are about to marry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 3 hours ago, ClassySassy said: My fiance and I had some good conversations, and I am feeling a bit better. My fiance said he's open to what the future has in store for us regarding potentially living internationally. I guess it's marriage feels a bit boring to me all around, and I am sad about letting go of some of the freedom and excitement that comes with singlehood. I feel that I made my choice at this point. I've struggled with commitment to a degree because I was always searching for something more ideal. What sort of "freedom and excitement" are you thinking about? If you mean being able to sleep with, date, or have relationships with other people, then almost certainly getting married to this guy isn't the right choice for you (unless you and your partner are the rare couple that can make poly work). But if you mean just about anything else... you don't have to constrain yourself just because of preconceived notions of what married women "can" or "can't" do. I'm happily married to my partner of over a decade - there's nothing that I had to stop doing just because we got married. I travel solo for both fun and work (in addition to the travel that we do together), I have both male and female friends, I go out and do things alone sometimes. I don't feel like my freedom is curtailed in any way, because I'm married to a compatible person who agrees that maintaining freedom and individual identity in a marriage is important. Link to post Share on other sites
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