Feeling depressed about getting married

[Lovely Difficulties]

It’s not that I am interested in dating anyone else. I had some unhealthy relationships before, and then I got to a point of being content by myself. It took a lot of time to heal, and I felt it was easier and less painful to be single. Then, I met my current fiancé. I was attracted to him too, even though I was cautious. It’s just letting go fully of the independence, which I know is necessary. So, we can just let this forum close out. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by ClassySassy

[poppyfields]

On 1/28/2022 at 9:24 AM, ClassySassy said:

I am supposed to be getting married this year and feeling incredibly sad about it. We aren't all that young, in our 30s, and I have had a lot of individual and independent experiences, got used to being single and even embraced it. As a single person, I did well for myself, and started to give up on meeting someone. I did a lot of traveling solo and enjoyed having the freedom to pick up and go places. We started dating about two years ago, and just over a year in, he proposed. It was a bit on the fast side, but I still went with it because I felt it was the right thing to do. I told him at that time I thought we needed a little more time, but he was so excited and so was everyone else. When I think about getting married, it's mixed feelings, but worried that I am signing myself up for a life that I'll regret. There's a part of me that's afraid that I am going to get stuck. I used to dream about living in different places, international even, and while he enjoys traveling, he is not as much up for picking up and moving somewhere. We grew up in different places, and I'm worried that will cause conflict someday if we have kids, as neither of us has ties where the other grew up. 

He said he felt very early on that I was one. For me, it was refreshing to be with someone who was committed and loyal, after having a series of relationships that didn't have a future. We've shared a lot, and they've been enjoyable. I wish I could feel happy, but right now I just feel depressed. When I think about my dream partner, he isn't quite it, but there are a lot of good things about him, and my friends and family all approve. I also realized that the dream person didn't exist, which is why I had remained single for a while. 

Any thoughts? Is it normal to be feeling this way, or is this a bad sign? 

I felt this way with my first two fiancés; we sort of "fell into" the relationship, it was easy and good, we were best friends but I always felt something was missing.

I broke off those engagements and then met the man who would proceed to ROCK MY WORLD (in every way possible), I fell madly in love upon sight (it was mutual) and we were together a total of six years, we got engaged after five, but sadly it didn't work out due his addiction to alcohol and drugs which is a whole n'other thread.

My point is, if you don't feel it's right or you feel something is missing, do NOT marry him.

I would have married my last fiancé in a heartbeat, had it not been for his addiction and other factors related thereto.

Since then I have had a series of long and short term relationships, and learned from all of them.

Today I very happily single and embracing my singleness, I know when the right man comes along again, I will be free to pursue it versus locked into a mediocre, unsatisfying relationship/marriage.

It's a difficult decision and I wish you the best whatever decision you make.

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

On 1/30/2022 at 9:40 PM, Elswyth said:

I'm happily married to my partner of over a decade - there's nothing that I had to stop doing just because we got married.

Agree. Life is what you make of it! The opportunities are unlimited!

What’s more, think of all you have gained - a life partner to help shoulder the burdens. Someone with whom you will share life’s joy and sorrow. A friend who knows all the inside jokes, holds your hand when you are scared, offers a hug when you are sad, snuggles with you when you feel lonely. 

Sure, you have someone else you will need to consider when making decisions and no relationship is without sacrifice. But, let’s not idealize the single life either. It can be a special kind of heartache, to be alone and feel like life is passing you by… 

From your previous post - 

Quote

 

I feel that would be easier because then at least they have some type of support instead of doing it all alone. I'm in this awkward stage of not being married, but being too old to be tied to my parents, and it's a lonely feeling. In fact, I cling to my parents for emotional support, I don't think they realize how lonely I feel. 

I always saw myself being married at this age. I feel envious of my friends that are in established marriages and starting families of their own. 

 

It only gets harder the older you get. While there are some who are not bothered by the fact that they come home to an empty house, as you get older and your friends/family get more involved with their own families… it gets even more lonely. 

Not saying you should marry a man that you do not love if you are not really excited to start a life together. Just saying, reading your previous posts I see a trend - a woman who has difficulty with transitions, is often longing for what she previously had or what she thinks she wants, and that feeling of being unsettled/longing is within you - that is neither a problem nor will it be solved by marriage. 

Have you ever considered counselling? 

Edited February 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lovely Difficulties]

Thanks. I am going to look into counseling. I think part of it is that I feel we got engaged a bit quickly before we really knew each other well and assessed if we were truly a good fit for the rest of our lives. As we’ve gotten to know each other more, there are some disappointments I have. At the same time, I recognize that no one is perfect, and now I feel we and our families are very invested. 

[BaileyB]

Figure it out before you get married. That’s all I can say - 

[Els]

On 2/11/2022 at 7:53 AM, ClassySassy said:

Thanks. I am going to look into counseling. I think part of it is that I feel we got engaged a bit quickly before we really knew each other well and assessed if we were truly a good fit for the rest of our lives. As we’ve gotten to know each other more, there are some disappointments I have. At the same time, I recognize that no one is perfect, and now I feel we and our families are very invested. 

What sort of disappointments do you mean, besides the travel thing (which it seems he clarified wasn't an issue anymore)?

[Lovely Difficulties]

I am not sure if it is him I am disappointed in or if it is in what marriage will be like. It isn’t perfect, and I am concerned there will be times of just co-existing. As time has gone by, I realize that I idealized what marriage would actually be like. I am not amazed by my partner, but am committed. It isn’t a sweet love story like being childhood sweethearts, but it is reliable and committed. There’s a certain amount of excitement (butterflies) that feels like it’s missing sometimes. 

Edited February 16, 2022 by ClassySassy

[vla1120]

52 minutes ago, ClassySassy said:

I am not sure if it is him I am disappointed in or if it is in what marriage will be like. It isn’t perfect, and I am concerned there will be times of just co-existing. As time has gone by, I realize that I idealized what marriage would actually be like. I am not amazed by my partner, but am committed. It isn’t a sweet love story like being childhood sweethearts, but it is reliable and committed. There’s a certain amount of excitement (butterflies) that feels like it’s missing sometimes. 

As time goes by, the excitement of the newness wears off. If you have never had that "new love" feeling, that is a cause for concern. You definitely do not want to go into this marriage because your family and his family are both invested. If YOU are not fully invested, you are setting yourself up for failure. I hope you can see a therapist or, if you are getting married in a church, talk to your priest/pastor about the issue. When you add the stress of kids, jobs, pets, cars, doctor's appointments, home maintenance, etc., into the relationship, it only gets harder, not easier. It is really important to be certain all of this is what you want before you walk down the aisle. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, ClassySassy said:

I am not sure if it is him I am disappointed in or if it is in what marriage will be like. It isn’t perfect, and I am concerned there will be times of just co-existing. As time has gone by, I realize that I idealized what marriage would actually be like. I am not amazed by my partner, but am committed. It isn’t a sweet love story like being childhood sweethearts, but it is reliable and committed. There’s a certain amount of excitement (butterflies) that feels like it’s missing sometimes. 

Have you NEVER felt the excitement or amazement with him, ever, not even in the first few years of being together? If you have never, I would be very concerned - because those feelings are hallmarks of feeling "in love".

Yes, marriage isn't all rainbows and puppies, but being in love with the person you are married to is still an essential part of a happy marriage for those of us who marry for love, not as a business contract. Marriage as a business contract is a valid option and is still carried out in some places, where people marry for survival or benefits and not for attraction or love... but you'd have to really ask yourself if that's truly all you want in life. IMO, if you are an independent woman living in a developed country, there is no need to marry for survival, and by doing so you will only shortchange yourself. Not just yourself, in fact... but also your husband, if he is hoping for a love-marriage himself.

The feelings will ebb and flow, and they will eventually subside to a sort of calm, happy bubbling feeling rather than fireworks... but they are always still present. I've been with H for 13 years now and I still feel them.

Edited February 16, 2022 by Elswyth

[Lovely Difficulties]

Part of it is that we met later in life. I envy some of my friends who married their high school sweetheart and have grown together. When I was younger, I had much more excitement in the way that I approached love. Unfortunately, I had some bad and disappointing experiences, and by the time I met my current partner, I was jaded. I wouldn't say I ever felt deeply in love, but that it was easy, and we both committed. Maybe in some ways, I feel that I settled, but I had spent a long time getting hurt, being single, and also getting rejected, that it was nice to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and share a life.   

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, ClassySassy said:

Part of it is that we met later in life. I envy some of my friends who married their high school sweetheart and have grown together.

I have many friends who married their high school sweetheart and have grown together. I met my partner later in life. Personally, I believe that I have a greater appreciation for his presence in my life and a gratitude for the fact that I have found him because I know how difficult it can be to find someone with whom you are compatible. I know the pain of loneliness. For someone who wants to be a part of a family, it’s brutal to watch others start relationships and have children and enjoy life with their growing families. 

So, in my humble opinion, you can either worry about what you might be missing or you can appreciate what you have. I have chosen to appreciate what I have found and all the love and companionship that he brings to my life. 

I will say, some of my friends who married their high school sweetheart have grown together and are still happily together. Others have not, and are either divorced or unhappy. My partner and I often say, had we met when we were younger we don’t think we would have dated. We were both immature and unsure of who we were and what we wanted in a partner. I do regret the time we missed together sometimes, but I also believe that things happen for a reason - we came together when we were ready to come together. And, I believe we have a happier, healthier relationship because we were adults who had a strong sense of self and knew more about life and relationships - we chose each other well. 

That said, it’s not puppies and rainbows everyday. He doesn’t give me butterflies everyday but he does occasionally give me butterflies - this week, he showed up with roses for Valentine’s Day and looked adorable leaning against the wall, smelling the roses, waiting for me to notice him. I thought to myself - this is the man that I love. And then, he put on his sweatpants that I would like to throw out and asked if I wanted to watch tv that night. That said - we cuddled on the sofa and spent the evening together - and I was very content. There is nowhere I would rather have been. 

23 hours ago, ClassySassy said:

I wouldn't say I ever felt deeply in love, but that it was easy, and we both committed. Maybe in some ways, I feel that I settled, but I had spent a long time getting hurt, being single, and also getting rejected, that it was nice to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and share a life.   

One person’s “settled” is another persons loving and committed relationship. Speaking from experience, it does feel easy and comfortable when you meet the right person. Long term committed relationships are not about butterflies or excitement - the beauty of a long term relationship is that you find a deeper love, a familiarity, a security, and a companionship with your partner. That’s not necessarily going to be butterflies and excitement all the time.

That said, if you have never felt butterflies for the man, if your heart doesn’t skip a beat when he shows up holding roses with a sexy smile on his face - that, you need to really think about. Because choosing a man because you don’t want to be alone is not going to bring you happiness - 

Kindly, I think you would benefit from counselling if you have the opportunity. I think a lot of your struggle comes from rather unrealistic expectations about what marriage and the man you would chose as your partner “should” be like. I think it would help you to talk through what you are thinking and feeling with someone who could really help you to make this decision. 

Edited February 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 2/16/2022 at 3:09 PM, ClassySassy said:

Maybe in some ways, I feel that I settled, but I had spent a long time getting hurt, being single, and also getting rejected, that it was nice to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and share a life.   

You can love, share a life and have a contented marriage. It doesn't have to be Disney or rom-coms.

You can also enjoy the perks/comfort of marriage yet lead independent lives and retain your individuality.

Perhaps he's not "boring". Perhaps your view of marriage is tainted .

[Els]

On 2/17/2022 at 6:09 AM, ClassySassy said:

Maybe in some ways, I feel that I settled, but I had spent a long time getting hurt, being single, and also getting rejected, that it was nice to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and share a life.   

This is the most dangerous part, IMO. With all due respect, I don't think that highschool sweethearts necessarily have a better marriage than people who met in their 20s or 30s - in fact, statistics seems to indicate the opposite on average. So to me that wouldn't be a consideration at all. But if you literally feel like you SETTLED for him, that you agreed to be with him just because he's a reliable person who wanted to be with you, I don't think it would be fair of you to go through with this.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Two things: 1. Make sure you aren't expecting marriage to be some nonstop romantic Hollywood movie. 2. Before you toss out a good thing, make sure you have the SMV to find someone you would consider better.

[Els]

On 2/22/2022 at 3:04 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Before you toss out a good thing, make sure you have the SMV to find someone you would consider better.

Ummm, wow. And you would not mind at all, if a man secretly was disappointed in you, but married you because he "didn't think he had the SMV to find someone better"?