We can never be more- insight needed

[Ellietaylor]

I have had an off and on emotional affair with a married man for almost 4 years. He’s my boss and we work very closely together. Over time, we just grew closer and realized how we really felt about each other. He is from a different cultural background than I am and is an arranged marriage. It is a loveless marriage but his family would feel disrespected if he were to divorce his wife. She does know about me and doesn’t agree with it all but seems to just try to ignore it. He tells me constantly how much he wants to be with me but that he has no choice. He also says that things could somehow be different in the future but given the circumstances, I don’t see how they could be. I’m trying to be okay with what we have but it often gets to me. It has mostly been emotional but there are times he does kiss me. Lately I feel that I want things to at least progress physically but he is adamant that he can’t do that. He says that if he were to be in more of a physical affair then it would “destabilize” his marriage. This hurts more because I feel that he’s not understanding how that sounds and affects me. He tells me he doesn’t want to lose me, that he never thought he would ever find someone and actually experience love, but it hurts to think this can’t progress in anyway from where we are. I just want to know if anyone has been through something like this and how you handled it. I also want insight if I’m wrong for wanting more of a physical affair than what we have. 

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Ellietaylor said:

I also want insight if I’m wrong for wanting more of a physical affair than what we have. 

Yes. 

You want to have sex with another woman’s husband. Put yourself in her position - how would you feel?

There is no future for you here. Nothing good can come from this.  It is a waste of your time and it may cost you your job. 

Edited January 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[Ellietaylor]

You are right,  it’s sounds awful thinking about it that way. The way I have looked at it is they are still married due to an obligation from their families. Neither of them want to stay together but will not leave due to the shame it would bring. She had an affair early on in their marriage and didn’t leave because of the guilt. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Ellietaylor said:

The way I have looked at it is they are still married due to an obligation from their families. Neither of them want to stay together but will not leave due to the shame it would bring.

Whether they are married by choice or not… Or whether they are happily married or unhappily married… Whether she has cheated in the past or not… They are still married. 

And the fact that they are married presents a problem for you if what you want is a legitimate relationship with the man. Full stop.

So, you can continue what you are doing… You could have sex with the man (which, I would be more worried would destabilize your employment and your mental health). But, what would that accomplish? Would it bring you happiness? It would not bring me happiness to see the man I love go home to his wife every night. That would be abject misery - so, why put yourself through that?

If you can’t maintain an appropriate boundary with your employer, I would suggest that you find another job. This is just not going to be healthy for you long term. I hate to say it, but you have already wasted four years of your life that could have been spent with a man who is able to share his life with you. I wouldn’t waste any more time here - 

Edited January 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

There is only one detail that matters in your OP and it’s that you’re hurt and unhappy. 

Don’t seek to change anyone. Just observe what you see and decide whether it’s for you. 

Unfortunately so far he offers nothing but talk. Would having sex or physical intimacy legitimize any of this for you? Or are you just wanting more of what you can’t have?  I’d try to understand how much of it is a knee jerk “I want” reaction and how much of it means anything at all to you in the larger scheme of things.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Ellietaylor said:

He’s my boss . He says that if he were to be in more of a physical affair then it would “destabilize” his marriage. 

Sorry this is happening. Can you speak with your human resources department about the sexual harassment?

His marriage is not your problem. He shouldn't be telling you all this or implying that his arranged marriage is bad blah blah blah.

Step way back from this. If his marriage is so bad, he needs to pay a therapist to listen to all that.

Be more professional at work. Sidestep personal conversations.

Date outside of work and date only single men. The workplace is not a singles club.

He's out of line talking to you about his marriage "problems". There probably aren't really problems, it's just a typical lines office wolves and flirts use.

Edited January 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[pianomanwoman]

I'm assuming that you're female and your boss is male. I didn't read the whole thread. Here at loveshack I can give advice, but you've already started the affair and it's with your boss so your reaction to the situation is crucial for the successful outcome. If you read the advice of the forum posters but just do your own thing. 

You can get yourself out of this mess. One way is to read a book called a history of mistresses. Marilyn Monroe and Catherine the Great. They accepted that its never to be more than this. Adjust your thinking to accept you are his mistress and every time you are together is a lie. 

The other way is to go no contact. Get a job someplace else and tell him you are moving and can't see him anymore. You will feel better knowing that he's your ex, not in your life and it will be easier to find someone single or go back with your real partner. 

No contact means not talking to him in any way. Yes you will be safe he is going to have an affair with someone new but for all I know he may be cheating on you and his wife too. No matter what he says. ( Is a lie). 

I know from experience and eventually my ex affair partner moved on too. He played me a song. The lyrics were in Spanish and it was too difficult to understand why he loved this song and showed me. It was about ," One more night" and I had very strong suspicion about our Hispanic employees. But being the ex mistress I didn't let it get between my feelings for him. I also discovered another song this artist sings. She's from Denmark or somewhere I am not a fan. It's message was, " You can't have him. You are Just the other woman" .

I remember him he loves his wife. He was communication his feeling to the Latin lover who he replaced me with and he wanted me to know without telling me verbally. He wanted the sex. He wants sex without the 

responsibility of marriage.

This is a long time ago. Trust me you will forget him. Don't feel shame that you are the other woman if you really love him. He will always be there. Always. And there are a lot of men who would love you. 

 

[Luna66star]

He is in a position of power and taking advantage of you.  Professional behavior on his part would mean he erects personal boundaries with you.  He has not.  This is grounds for sexual harassment.  However you are being easy and compliant so he hasn't  gotten into trouble yet with HR.

No win situation for you here.  He's a weasel and you are buying his BS that he can't get divorced.  C'mon.  People in arranged marriages can never get divorced?  He's more worried that he would look like a louse and let everyone down if he broke up the family.

Please get another job asap.

 

 

 

[SouthernIslander]

This is horribly unprofessional behavior for the both of you but I blame him more because he is your boss.   
 

Be very thankful that this had bit escalated to a physical affair and leave this alone.  I’d either find another job to transfer to a different department because this is going to be ugly if it hits the fan, especially if his wife gets fed up with his disrespectful behavior.  
 

It will sting for a minute because you have feelings but it’s best for you and your career to get away from this. You definitely deserve better.  

[Blind-Sided]

On 1/28/2022 at 8:29 PM, Ellietaylor said:

1) He says that if he were to be in more of a physical affair then it would “destabilize” his marriage. This hurts more because I feel that he’s not understanding how that sounds and affects me.

2) I also want insight if I’m wrong for wanting more of a physical affair than what we have. 

1) He's being faithful to his marriage regardless of if he has feelings for you.  That's a good moral thing, and I'm sure it's not easy for him.  TO be honest... it's irrelevant if it hurts you, because he isn't saying to hurt you.  He says it to not hurt his wife. THe hurt is within yourself, and you have been given an answer.  He will stay with his wife. You need to distance yourself from him. 

2) Yes.... you are wrong.  You are chasing someone who is not available. 

[heartwhole2]

I know I've been here a long time now . . . this sounds a lot like an OW who was here some years back. She loved her boss and he had an affair with her that included kissing, but he wouldn't do more because of a similar situation with his wife. Does anyone remember her name? There might be some insights for you in her thread.

[mark clemson]

You're not wrong for wanting it as plenty of people in this world have wanted someone who isn't available at some point in their lives. HOWEVER, you're almost certainly not going to get it. There are those in the world who flirt and even engage in EAs or similar activities without actually crossing the line into major physical intimacy, and this boss of yours sounds like one of them. If you have been alone and private with him and you've mentioned it and it's not happening - well, it at least seems like he's had his opportunities and that is the boundary line he keeps. I suspect it's not uncommon.

At any rate, due to this you're almost certainly better off ending this and looking for someone you can actually have. Otherwise you're liable to waste years of your life pining over this man with little to show for it at the end except memories of "longing" and knowing you weren't chosen. Not fun - so suggest you actively seek out better options...

Edited January 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[vla1120]

He's made it pretty clear he does not want it to progress to a physical relationship. You should get another job. He should not be engaging in an EA with his subordinate. Depending on what company you work for, that could be a fireable offense and could adversely affect your career.

Edited January 30, 2022 by vla1120

[stillafool]

On 1/28/2022 at 8:29 PM, Ellietaylor said:

He says that if he were to be in more of a physical affair then it would “destabilize” his marriage. This hurts more because I feel that he’s not understanding how that sounds and affects me.

This basically means if he has sex with you it will ruin his sex life with his wife.  So it doesn't make sense that neither of them want to be married to each other if they are having sex together on the regular.  He's still trying to be somewhat faithful to his wife.  Most men in affairs want the sex and that's why they're having an affair.  Do they have kids?  I agree there is no future there for you.  You will wait year after year for him while all of your chances pass you by.

Edited January 31, 2022 by stillafool

[Starswillshine]

Real talk here: the man is rejecting you. Why do you want this to go physical when he is saying this relationship will never be anything more? Why would you stoop so low? 

Just move on.