Not acknowledging my feelings, while I'm her support. Feeling disrespected

[Blue]

Hi everyone, I’m new to this and I just need to get a few opinions:

For about a nearly 2 years I’ve been friends with this girl who I’m attracted to and have developed an emotional relationship with her. We started off as work colleagues and we had an attraction we hooked up every once in awhile and it was great. eventually her attraction towards me dwindled and she wanted to be friends, because I didn’t  wanna lose her I foolishly said yes to remain friends and since then I’ve been an emotional support for her during a lot of difficult times. I’ve always been there for her whenever she’s encountered hardship, I’ve given her a roof over her head and I cared for her in so many ways, because I genuinely do care about her. We’ve had some falling outs in the past due to misunderstandings, I was perusing her a little and she was uncomfortable, yet she kept contacting me and visiting me (I think because she knows I don’t judge, I’m sympathetic, and I’ve resources behind me). She has mental health issues and is a bit naive and easily swayed by other people. Especially guys.

Recently she moved in with some housemates, she want to move out of her parents place and try for independent living. The housemates were feral, left the place in a feral state and they used her for her money and miss treated her. After we had a falling out over New Year’s I contacted her three weeks later just to see how she was, wasn’t expecting anything from it. We started talking again, then she contacted me and a few days later saying she finally snapped at her housemates and she felt her life and her cats life was in danger. I came around during the night time we packed up all of her stuff and I moved her to my apartment just so that she could get away and have a safe environment to be, I had no expectations I just wanted to keep her safe.

She (and her cat) have been living with me for about a week, she’s been stressed to the max while looking for a new house to move into to the point where she’s throwing up. she’s also trying to look for a new job. I’m doing everything within my power to make her feel welcome safe and to help her during this very difficult time in her life, she said this to me herself. I can’t help the fact that I still have feelings for her but I’m not gonna pursue them because it is not the right time and she’s hurt me in the past so I’m trying to be on guard. She knows I’m in love with her. A few days later she started messaging this random guy she only has been video chatting and messaging for less than a week. While working night shift, she called me at 5am, a little drunk. She had been chatting with this guy all night ( they had plans to go out that day, which I was fine with, low-key a bit jealous but I wouldn’t have stopped her). She said she was getting an Uber to his place and leaving the cat alone for a few hours til I came home. I feel this was disrespectful towards me and that she’s taking advantage of my generosity.

I understand she’s not attracted to me, she’s attracted to some new guy that she barely knows; but I’m the person who is helping her during an emotionally difficult time, I came to her aid when no one else could. I’m essentially her rock during this hardship. She knows how I feel about her, yet I feel she’s not taking my feelings into consideration or respecting me. Whenever I mention my attraction to her she brushes it off, and says to me: “I can’t even think about a relationship or dating right now not while I’m looking for a house and worried about the cat”. Yet why is she leaving at 5 o’clock in the morning to see a guy she barely knows? I’ve essentially caught her in a lie. I feel hurt. I’m not asking for a relationship or any commitment I am simply asking her that while I’ve taken her and her cat into my house and supporting them, to remember I’m attracted to her and to behave in a way that is considerate of my feelings. I will never stop her from seeing other guys if she wants, but given the situation, I feel she needs to be more respectful towards me.

I don’t know what to do or where to go from her. Any helpful advice?

 

[glows]

She needs to leave and find accommodation elsewhere. You are clearly enabling her and she is not determined to turn her life around.

By housing her and making these requests it’s a form of control on your part so stop it. She is not in love with you. She is, however, manipulating you and you’re seeking to control her because you don’t have her. 

If there are drugs involved she needs rehab and professionals.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is offer to help pack her things and let her move back in with her parents. You're not a homeless shelter . You want a relationship with her.

[Blind-Sided]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is offer to help pack her things and let her move back in with her parents. You're not a homeless shelter . You want a relationship with her.

Yep.... what he said.

The issue is... you are getting upset because you are being an exceptional friend to her..... but in realty you want something more.  PERIOD.   She has stated to you that she doesn't see a relationship with you... but you continue to hope for one. You agreed to be friends... and if you were a female friend, (or didn't have any feelings toward her) and she said she was going out for a hook-up... it wouldn't be an issue.  I have a bunch of female friends... and one is going through a divorce.  SHe has an open invitation to my house if she needs a place to crash.  But when she talks to me about the guy she spent the night with... it doesn't bother me, because I don't want a relationship with her. 

You honestly need to separate yourself from her because you two are on different pages. Yes... you may "Be her rock" right now... but that doesn't mean she should change her mind and build a relationship with you.

Sorry to be blunt... but you should tell her it's not going to work out, and you can be her friend to help her move back with her folks. 

[CosterG10]

Unfortunately you still want and hope to be with her. I am sorry to be so direct but you are in love, she isn't, you care she doesn't. And by trying to help her, you are hurting yourself. 

The best advise was given to you by Wiseman2 and the longer the current situation lasts the more you will hurt yourself or maybe you both will hurt each other.  

 

[ASG]

Her going out to meet some guy is not a slight on you. 

 

The problem here is that you want more from this relationship than she does. 

You either are a friend or you're not. Complaining she's off meeting guys is not being a friend. It's being a jealous suitor.

You have 2 options here. Either continue to give her shelter until she finds new accommodation, or help her move back into her parents' house. 

But if you decide she can stay, you need to check yourself. She is not interested IN YOU. Nothing will change that (most likely), so you need to internalise it and deal with it. 

[salparadise]

Yes, what all the ^others have said. And...

A life lesson from the standard male playbook:  When a woman you're trying to date (hot for, in love with, etc.) tells you that she's not attracted and wants to be just friends, that is your cue to make a quick, clean exit. Period. Why? Because otherwise there's nothing left but pain and heartbreak for you. Plus, preserving your dignity is really important. Plus, you're never going to break free of the hold she has over you as long as you're in contact, not to mention caretaking and moving her into your apartment. 

The question you need to ask yourself is, "why do I not love myself enough to believe that I deserve a reciprocal relationship, and automatically-intuitively expect that and not settle for anything less?" People break up with partners all the time because things are slightly unbalanced, but here you are caretaking/rescuing a woman who has told you in no uncertain terms that she's not interested in you, however, she's willing to accept all you're willing to give... but doesn't have the decency to keep her hookups on the down low knowing full well how you feel about her. Yea, that's disrespectful alright. But those are her terms––she gets to disrespect you because you care and she doesn't. Whereas your subconscious rationalization is that since you are rescuing, she should be eternally grateful, appreciative, and respectful... and eventually be reunited. 

Nope. Time to exit quick and clean. Not to punish her, but to protect yourself. And you need to work on why you are so willing to be an orbiter rather than putting your own best interests first. Counseling my friend.

Edited January 30, 2022 by salparadise

[Happy Lemming]

I would check your local jurisdiction for "Residency Laws".  In some areas, if you live at a location more than two weeks, you have "established residency" and if the person does not want to leave, they have to be evicted.

You have to be very careful when you move someone into your home.  I've been burned by this before.  Going forward, I create a month to month lease for the person (with a $1/per month rental fee).

[ShyViolet]

The point where she told you she wasn't attracted to you and wanted to be just friends should have been your cue to put an end to this and stop hanging around her.  She is clearly using you for security and a place to stay.  She's just kind of at your place out of necessity because she screwed her life up, not because she has any feelings for you.  This girl sounds like an unstable mess and now you're allowing her problems to become your problems.

On 1/30/2022 at 12:59 AM, Blue said:

I’m not asking for a relationship or any commitment I am simply asking her that while I’ve taken her and her cat into my house and supporting them, to remember I’m attracted to her and to behave in a way that is considerate of my feelings.

Ok well, this is an unrealistic expectation.  She's NOT going to do this.  Your feelings for her are a one-way street.  You are not going to get what you want from her, so stop expecting to.  It's up to YOU to put an end to this.  This only goes on for as long as you allow it.