I think my boyfriend is suffering from depression and has broken up with me to protect me.

[Lola2009]

me and boyfriend have been together for 5 year and lived together for 3 years. The last few weeks we’ve been having problem with our relationship such as arguing, not spending quality time together etc. We discussed 4 weeks prior that we will work on it and we’ve been doing well. Lately for the last few weeks he’s been saying he’s been feeling really down and numb, just not his self at all.  Two weeks ago out of nowhere he asked me to go to my parents as he needs space to clear his head, which I did give him because he never gets time on his own so I thought it would do him good. A few days later he rang me and said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, that he loves me but not in love with me and wishes thing could go back to how we was when we first met (18 then now 24) .Obvs things have changed we’ve grown up, he’s not the same as he was when he was 18 and that just the way of life. He then started saying how he feel numb and he doesn’t want to drag me down with him and I said to him that I think he suffering from depression (his dad and brother has it severely) and that he need to see someone and get help. We spoke through it and said he does love me and does want to work through it but need a week to sort out his head before he can put 100% into it, i said yes and we’ve talked now and then. Yesterday during the day he was messaging me all day and suddenly at the end of the day he rang me to say he’s having a bad day mentally and can’t take it anymore and having all these thoughts and said that’s even though he wants to be with me he doesn’t want to drag me down with him as he can see he’s hurting me and he doesn’t want to put me through pain like he did when we first got together (he  didn’t know what he wanted and instead of staying away until it was clear what he wanted he picked me up and dropped me and In the process I lost myself and was ill, we’ve moved on from this once we re connected 5 years ago) and he got to get through this on his own and that no one can help. I said I wanted to be there for him and help him through this but he keeps pushing me away and won’t get help from a GP or a therapist.
 

I don’t know what to do. I want to be there for him and help him through it and not throw away the life we built together over the last 5 years. Im much stronger than I was when I went through it all at the beginning of our relationship and know that I won’t let myself get lost again and will have to walk away if I desperately need too but I don’t want to give up on us and at least try.  It’s all so confusing.

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited January 30, 2022 by Lola2009

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm really sorry, OP.

This relationship has run its course and he's trying to let you down gently. It's not depression. It's just that you two were very young when you got together, and his feelings have changed over time and he's ready to move on. 

It hurts, but it's going to best to let him go.  It will hurt more to let this drag when you know he doesn't truly want to be together any longer. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Lola2009 said:

 he doesn’t want to drag me down with him as he can see he’s hurting me and he doesn’t want to put me through pain like he did when we first got together

Sorry this is happening. Does he live with his family? 

What pain did he put you through before? He seems to not want to hurt you but also doesn't want what you want.

Step back and let him sort things out.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm really sorry, OP.

This relationship has run its course and he's trying to let you down gently. It's not depression. It's just that you two were very young when you got together, and his feelings have changed over time and he's ready to move on. 

It hurts, but it's going to best to let him go.  It will hurt more to let this drag when you know he doesn't truly want to be together any longer. 

I agree with this^^^^.  It's very clear.  The only thing he is depressed about is hurting you because he wants to break up and doesn't want you to stop him from doing it this time.  You're correct that from 18 - 24 there is a big change and as he told you, he loves you but is no longer in love with you.  I think you need to move out, let him go, heal and move on.  You'll be okay.

[glows]

It's unknown how long his untreated depression will go on for. If he needs help he needs to speak with his doctors and gain the help and support he needs. He's told you his heart isn't in this anymore and he's not in love with you so try not to make excuses for the situation or find reasons to stay when it's not working at all. 

I'm sorry. Take the message that he's not wanting this any longer and stay with your parents for awhile to recoup. I would not wait around for him or put my life on hold.