Did tragedy kill my relationship?

[Placebeyondthepines]

Hello and thank you for your answers. I will try to make it as short as I can.

I think my relationship might end after a family loss and struggles.

I've (35) been together with this amazing woman (32) since 2016, living together since that year also. No drama in our life, everything that a man could want. Our life was ideal, had both loving families that loved both of us, however, the last year and a half drama hit my family. First my grandmother, than my dad. In august he was sent to ICU where he stayed for 5 months until he finally died earlier this year. Because of not knowing exactly what to expect and because I had to take care of the situation and make multiple visits to the hospital, we've took my mother in with us for these months. My mum is like a ghost, besides the fact she loves my SO, you barely see/feel her, she really tries her best not to intrude. However, 5 months, our lives changed. But we couldn't let her stay alone, Or so I thought

Well, in these months with us not knowing dad will live or die and with him being in a world of pain, my GF was here, offered support, but really gave me the impression she cares more about moving on. She met her girlfriends every weekend, asked me a few times to go abroad to someone's birthday when she knew I couldn't and finally during the holidays, the day after dad went into a coma, while being away in her home town, she sent me some video of her having fun, singing with friends, while I was waiting for the call he died. 

I confronted her and from that moment I feel things are off. I feel her distant, she is not doing her things, she is not clingy (but in the cute way) anymore, our chats online are very mechanic or so I feel them. Had a small argument two weeks ago and felt like she did not want to talk at all. There is no one else, 100% certain of that. 

I am not needy at all, but with just losing my old man, I feel the need of some affection.

I don't want to end this. I love her, I want to be with her, but I am afraid this tragedy did something.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I've (35) been together with this amazing woman (32) since 2016, living together since that year also. we've took my mother in with us for these months. . However, 5 months, our lives changed. 

I confronted her and from that moment I feel things are off.

Sorry this is happening. You're under a lot of stress. What did you confront her about? You seem to feel disappointed your Gf was not more supportive, yet your mother stay with you for months. Unfortunately your GF can not take away your pain. Consider some grief counseling. Give each other some space to process things.

[Placebeyondthepines]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You're under a lot of stress. What did you confront her about? You seem to feel disappointed your Gf was not more supportive, yet your mother stay with you for months. Unfortunately your GF can not take away your pain. Consider some grief counseling. Give each other some space to process things.

Hi, I've posted in the story: a couple of days after my old man went to a coma, she was at her childhood home, with her parents, in another town, and she went out and partied with her friends. I've never been annoyed of her going out, we do our thing because we have a relationship built on trust, but that annoyed me bad because it was not the timing and that she sent a video to me while she and her friends were singing a song was really bad timing imho.

I've confronted her but she seemed like it was ok. I am overreacting.

I am ok with my old man going, I actually feel happy he is not suffering anymore. I think I somehow knew he was dying back in august and these 5 months were my grief.

To summarize, I've felt that in these months she was annoyed mum was living with us. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Placebeyondthepines

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I've felt that in these months she was annoyed mum was living with us. 

Unfortunately that seems to be the case.

[glows]

55 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Hello and thank you for your answers. I will try to make it as short as I can.

I think my relationship might end after a family loss and struggles.

I've (35) been together with this amazing woman (32) since 2016, living together since that year also. No drama in our life, everything that a man could want. Our life was ideal, had both loving families that loved both of us, however, the last year and a half drama hit my family. First my grandmother, than my dad. In august he was sent to ICU where he stayed for 5 months until he finally died earlier this year. Because of not knowing exactly what to expect and because I had to take care of the situation and make multiple visits to the hospital, we've took my mother in with us for these months. My mum is like a ghost, besides the fact she loves my SO, you barely see/feel her, she really tries her best not to intrude. However, 5 months, our lives changed. But we couldn't let her stay alone, Or so I thought

Well, in these months with us not knowing dad will live or die and with him being in a world of pain, my GF was here, offered support, but really gave me the impression she cares more about moving on. She met her girlfriends every weekend, asked me a few times to go abroad to someone's birthday when she knew I couldn't and finally during the holidays, the day after dad went into a coma, while being away in her home town, she sent me some video of her having fun, singing with friends, while I was waiting for the call he died. 

I confronted her and from that moment I feel things are off. I feel her distant, she is not doing her things, she is not clingy (but in the cute way) anymore, our chats online are very mechanic or so I feel them. Had a small argument two weeks ago and felt like she did not want to talk at all. There is no one else, 100% certain of that. 

I am not needy at all, but with just losing my old man, I feel the need of some affection.

I don't want to end this. I love her, I want to be with her, but I am afraid this tragedy did something.

 

 

 

It’s interesting that in the illness and death of your father you’ve called this period “drama” which feels like you’re dissociating or minimizing your grief. We all deal with grief in different ways. Have you sought or thought about grief counselling for yourself? Do you feel that would benefit you? 

In regards to your girlfriend this relationship may not ever been built to withstand time. It doesn’t sound like tragedy killed anything. She just wasn’t ever prepared to encounter death or suffering. She’s entitled to do whatever she wants but she’s not the woman who stands by you when you’re down or strengthens you or gives you hope when you’re feeling down. I don’t get the sense either that either of you see very far ahead into your futures together. 

If you’d like to repair this deal with your grief appropriately and lean on support from professionals in grief counselling, seek assurance and feedback in adjusting to now being a carer for your mother as well and see if she also would benefit from counselling. Have a good think about whether your girlfriend and you are compatible. Cut your losses with her before she drags you down and conserve the energy healing from the loss of your father. Leaning on a person you can’t quite sense you want to be with in the long term isn’t fair either. 

[vla1120]

Is it possible that things got more complicated than she was able to handle? When I was married, my mother-in-law lived with us. It's difficult to be in that situation when married, let alone when living together as gf/bf. It's good that your mom tries to make herself scarce and not interfere with your lives, but the fact that your gf isn't crazy about your mom living there might be an issue you can't fix. Some people are better at being supportive than others. If she can't be there for you during the difficult times, maybe you have to reevaluate the relationship, or at least have a heart-to-heart with her about where she's at in this relationship.

[Placebeyondthepines]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s interesting that in the illness and death of your father you’ve called this period “drama” which feels like you’re dissociating or minimizing your grief. We all deal with grief in different ways. Have you sought or thought about grief counselling for yourself? Do you feel that would benefit you? 

In regards to your girlfriend this relationship may not ever been built to withstand time. It doesn’t sound like tragedy killed anything. She just wasn’t ever prepared to encounter death or suffering. She’s entitled to do whatever she wants but she’s not the woman who stands by you when you’re down or strengthens you or gives you hope when you’re feeling down. I don’t get the sense either that either of you see very far ahead into your futures together. 

If you’d like to repair this deal with your grief appropriately and lean on support from professionals in grief counselling, seek assurance and feedback in adjusting to now being a carer for your mother as well and see if she also would benefit from counselling. Have a good think about whether your girlfriend and you are compatible. Cut your losses with her before she drags you down and conserve the energy healing from the loss of your father. Leaning on a person you can’t quite sense you want to be with in the long term isn’t fair either. 

Thank you. I will try to cover it all.

I don't minimize my grief, but it was not a shock that dad was about to die. Since October 2020, something crushed his body from the inside that when he died he was just 37 kg. Before ICU, I took him 10-12 times to the hospital, I somewhat started to accept. Everything that could go wrong with him went, so I was prepared, even if it was so sad because he was still young and what killed him is still unknown. I am doing everything I can to move on, but I am ok with it, I know what to do to help me move forward. The only answer I need is why and that I cannot receive in this lifetime, so I need to move on and accept he is gone and I know that. 

Before all of this happened I thought we were compatible, I still think so. She was by my side, she was here for me, It would not be fair for me to say she was absent, however, we never had any problems, we never faced life and it's obstacles. We come from similar household, loving parents, raised right, single kids.

I just can't believe that something like this might make her change perspective of us.

[Placebeyondthepines]

13 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Is it possible that things got more complicated than she was able to handle? When I was married, my mother-in-law lived with us. It's difficult to be in that situation when married, let alone when living together as gf/bf. It's good that your mom tries to make herself scarce and not interfere with your lives, but the fact that your gf isn't crazy about your mom living there might be an issue you can't fix. Some people are better at being supportive than others. If she can't be there for you during the difficult times, maybe you have to reevaluate the relationship, or at least have a heart-to-heart with her about where she's at in this relationship.

My mom is home.  She went after Christmas. At some point, from November, she wanted to go home, but I insisted her to stay a bit more so I could keep an eye on her and we have a direction with dad.

 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Placebeyondthepines

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Thank you. I will try to cover it all.

I don't minimize my grief, but it was not a shock that dad was about to die. Since October 2020, something crushed his body from the inside that when he died he was just 37 kg. Before ICU, I took him 10-12 times to the hospital, I somewhat started to accept. Everything that could go wrong with him went, so I was prepared, even if it was so sad because he was still young and what killed him is still unknown. I am doing everything I can to move on, but I am ok with it, I know what to do to help me move forward. The only answer I need is why and that I cannot receive in this lifetime, so I need to move on and accept he is gone and I know that. 

Before all of this happened I thought we were compatible, I still think so. She was by my side, she was here for me, It would not be fair for me to say she was absent, however, we never had any problems, we never faced life and it's obstacles. We come from similar household, loving parents, raised right, single kids.

I just can't believe that something like this might make her change perspective of us.

Try having a heart to heart with her and explain that you miss her and would like to spend more time doing the things you both used to do. 

When it comes to emotions in a relationship I think sometimes people over express and then forget to engage more in one another. It sounds like you miss your girlfriend more than anything so do things to bring the two of you together.

What does she like doing? Or eating? Do either of you cook? What activities did you used to do with one another? Ask her how she’d like to spend the day. 

 

[Placebeyondthepines]

For the moment she is away, work trip.

We want to go in a short holiday after Valentine's day, somewhere away. Or at least that was the plan.

Edited January 30, 2022 by Placebeyondthepines

[glows]

That sounds lovely. Also, engage on a day to day. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

We want to go in a short holiday after Valentine's day, somewhere away. Or at least that was the plan.

Excellent. You both need this. You need to reset things. Grief counselling could help you. There's only so much a partner can do or handle.

[Lotsgoingon]

To be clear, your bf in a tough spot. I can get why she is withdrawing, especially if you've withdrawn. She might feel she's basically lost her lover in recent days. 

This is one of the hardest challenges of modern life. I have a relative that I'm in the middle of helping quite a bit. There are limits to how much a spouse goes along with their spouse disappearing into a field of family caretaking. 

I guess what I'm saying is: having ill parents doesn't take away your need to be present with your gf. Sorry, it doesn't. And being absent is probably more of a strain than you think. With marriage, there is long-term commitment, but with just living together, much easier for your gf to think she'll never really have you again. You needed to make some special time for her. And it's not her job to just sit there and pat you on the back if you're not showing that you can at least sometimes focus on her and the relationship. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I'm simply saying in serious relationships these days, you can't just focus on your birth family and expect everything to be fine. Doesn't work like that. 

And if you seem constantly overwhelmed with show no real hope of carving out time and priority for her, yep that's a problem. Happens in marriage all the time and it can break marriages. I think marriages have the advantage, though, of the long-term commitment. 

I say this as someone who got deeply involved in my parents' care in their ailing final years. But that involvement had major psychological costs for me, took a real toll. I'm proud I did it, but I was single. 

You got any other siblings? Can you afford to hire a care manager, someone who will oversee care for your folks? Even a month of a care manager might free up some of your emotional energy to catch up on sleep, get out, do something fun and interact more meaningfully with your gf. 

Oh, sounds to me like gf didn't come clean about what she's really feeling. She's hiding behind the fun photos. So you are not alone at fault here. Sounds to me like she hasn't really communicated what she's feeling to you. 

 

[Yosemite]

Is there a reason that you're not married after 6 years together? If she wanted marriage and kids, but you were dragging your feet, that could be why she wasn't very supportive while you were going through so much.

Also, she may have meant for the video of her singing to cheer you up or make you laugh. You seem to view it as being insensitive, but maybe she was trying to take your mind off of things.

[Placebeyondthepines]

On 1/31/2022 at 7:19 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

You got any other siblings? Can you afford to hire a care manager, someone who will oversee care for your folks? Even a month of a care manager might free up some of your emotional energy to catch up on sleep, get out, do something fun and interact more meaningfully with your gf. 

 

 

Thanks for your input. No, I don't have any siblings and really took it's toll on me in the last 1.2 years. I did it all by myself to protect them. Grandma is in a fantastic care home, which I pay. Quite expensive, but she did everything for me and this is at least what I can do for her.

With dad I was blocked, we had no plan, or better said, every plan failed. It was impossible to focus on anything else while he was two days ok, then four days in a critical situation.

 

On 1/31/2022 at 11:37 AM, Yosemite said:

Is there a reason that you're not married after 6 years together? If she wanted marriage and kids, but you were dragging your feet, that could be why she wasn't very supportive while you were going through so much.

Also, she may have meant for the video of her singing to cheer you up or make you laugh. You seem to view it as being insensitive, but maybe she was trying to take your mind off of things.

I am to blame here. Just couldn't find the moment to do it, but again, I don't want anyone else. I just don't think a piece of paper can change anything.

 

@Everyone.

I had the chat yesterday with her and my intuition was, sadly, right.  She indeed was annoyed by the fact mum stayed so much time and also that I got angry about that video.

She opened up and said a lot of things, mostly that she needs to find herself job wise, because the past 1.2 years she did not put herself on first place and she put us and she misses holidays with me, going to places, our things. Of course, I asked if she wants a break (I do not believe in breaks) she said no, what is happening to her she thinks is not affecting our relationship, but the past months made her realize she is important to herself. Asked if it would be better for me if would go to my apartment, again she said no.

I know the signs when someone is trying to break up with you, the is not you it's me things, etc. I didn't feel that, I felt she was really affected by the fact I confronted her after that video and mum living with us. Those added to her work thing, which I always knew and supported.

We spoke for about 5 hours and she was really sad she told me and she wanted this to pass because of the feelings we have for each other.

However, something broke in me. Over the years I developed a defense mechanism after had my heart broken a few times. I became suddenly unhappy after hearing that this grief we had took more importance than what we've built together.

I usually would have walked. Now I don't want to. I want to fight for us, I just don't know how.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

She indeed was annoyed by the fact mum stayed so much time and also that I got angry about that video. 

It seems like you knew this all along because someone's mother moving in that long creates extreme stress.

Let the dust settle and look into greif counseling so you can address that there and attend to the relationship on another level.

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

However, something broke in me. Over the years I developed a defense mechanism after had my heart broken a few times. I became suddenly unhappy after hearing that this grief we had took more importance than what we've built together.

I usually would have walked. Now I don't want to. I want to fight for us, I just don't know how.

You've been through quite a bit in the last few years. COVID all on its own has been a stressful situation. Add to that your grandmother, your father and your mother living with the two of you. It's quite natural to have all the feelings and frustrations both of you are having. 

Do you feel like you have a handle on your grief? If not, perhaps you can talk to someone. If you do feel like you have a handle on it, perhaps you and your girlfriend can talk to a couples counselor. Who knows? Maybe she was feeling a little neglected with you having to concentrate your efforts elsewhere. Maybe now you can concentrate on the two of you. Have you had a discussion about where your relationship is headed? Do you think she's expecting you to pop the question and wondering if that's ever going to happen? 

It sounds like other things took precedence in your relationship (understandably) and now you have time to focus on the two of you. Do something really nice for her on Valentine's Day to show her you are recommitting to your relationship. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I usually would have walked. Now I don't want to. I want to fight for us, I just don't know how.

It's good that you both want this to work. Do some research on the concept of "rupture and repair" in relationships. A therapist should also be able to help you with this with some specific techniques.

Ultimately, any relationships stays together (or doesn't) because of a mutual decision to stay together. That's the cornerstone, and if you still have that, there is a chance to repair it. Once that is gone (one or both partners genuinely decides they don't want to be in the relationship) it becomes a house of cards.

The decision to stay might not even be a particularly healthy one, and so you see some % of dysfunctional (but still together) couples out there. That is not commentary on your decision (I don't have enough info for that) but just stating a fact to emphasize my point.

At any rate, it seems to me that if you spent 5 hours on conversation to (attempt to) work through this, you are both very much still committing to trying at the moment.

If you can successfully repair and bring the relationship back to where it is mutually satisfying, you will look back on this as a "rough patch" (albeit a very understandable one given the circumstances). If you don't succeed, it will be the straw that broke the camel's back and/or seen as a rel that couldn't work long term.

I think you have learned a bit about how your partner responds to a difficult situation. She is supportive, but also wants to enjoy herself while helping you cope. Perhaps that wasn't what you expected, but it's a LOT better than not being supportive at all. From what I can tell from what you wrote, it seems like a reasonable level of responsiveness.

Edited February 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

 

I think you have learned a bit about how your partner responds to a difficult situation. She is supportive, but also wants to enjoy herself while helping you cope. Perhaps that wasn't what you expected, but it's a LOT better than not being supportive at all. From what I can tell from what you wrote, it seems like a reasonable level of responsiveness.

I think here is where you describe it all like it actually is.

I can't hide that I took "us" for granted when I was focusing on dad. I though ours was unbreakable and yes, I did not see those signs. It was a mistake, I've learned from it and I want to try and give my all because I refuse to let this ruin the best relationship I ever had.