I'm at my wits end. Husband won't get a job

[Lostinohio]

I’ve been married to my second husband for 3 years now, together for 7. We met at work, where he was employed for over 20 years. Last December (2020) we both got covid and he was hospitalized for 9 days and had to come home on oxygen for about six weeks. He was cleared by his pcp to return to work but our employee health made him take a fitness test, which he failed due to still having some shortness of breath. Long story short, he lost his position as a paramedic but was offered other lower paying positions in the facility. He chose not take one, mostly because he was angry. I understood.
 

Here is the problem: he still doesn’t have a job. There have been short periods where he will apply for jobs but then nothing. Any time I bring it up he tells me he’s looking and gets defensive. He could have a job tomorrow as a paramedic but he’s decided he doesn’t want to do that anymore. He has a bachelor’s degree. I know he’s probably depressed and he’s on medication. He is perfectly capable of doing the things he wants to do but the minute I bring up him getting a job he gets angry and tells me he still has issues from covid. He stays up half the night (he used to work midnights) and sleeps until noon. He may or may not tidy up but he sits around and watches tv. These past few months I have insisted that he make dinner every night. He goes to visit his family, friends, to the shooting range, and gun shows. 
 

Meanwhile, I’m up every day at 0430 for work. I have been paying all the bills for the last year. I pretty much paid all the bills prior to this except for his truck payment because I don’t feel it necessary to spend so much on a vehicle. I have been working 50-55 hours a week the whole time he has not been working and I’m exhausted. I am able to cover all of our bills just fine, I just don’t want to. I have things that I want to save for and I also have two children from a previous marriage. I pretty much work the extra so I can still add to my savings and afford his nicotine habit. 
 

I told him back in October that if he didn’t have a job by the end of the month that he had to leave. He did apply to several jobs but in the end I did not have the heart to kick him out. He came into our marriage with pretty much nothing. No property, no savings. Everything is mine. At this point I’m just growing more angry and resentful by the day. I just want him to get a job, any job. Part-time, minimum wage, whatever. I don’t think I should be taking care of a grown man who has many working years ahead of him. He tells me he feels bad that I have to work so much but his actions lead me to believe that he is quite content with this arrangement (That I did not agree to).

I don’t know what to do. I have been patient but at some point I can’t keep doing this. Even if I did make him leave I would still be paying for him until he got a job and carrying his health insurance. I don’t mind carrying his health insurance. I guess I just feel really disrespected but anytime I expressed my frustration he makes himself a victim.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Lostinohio said:

Last December (2020) we both got covid and he was hospitalized for 9 days and had to come home on oxygen for about six weeks. He was cleared by his pcp to return to work but our employee health made him take a fitness test, which he failed due to still having some shortness of breath.

He needs to apply for disability. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Lostinohio said:

I told him back in October that if he didn’t have a job by the end of the month that he had to leave. He did apply to several jobs but in the end I did not have the heart to kick him out.

Unfortunately, this is the problem. You taught him that you don’t mean what you say. If you give an ultimatum, you must be prepared to follow-through.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and I have empathy for your husband. But, after a certain amount of time - I would not be willing to live like this.  Of course, you are going to feel resentment. At a certain point, this becomes harmful to your children. Remember, they are watching and learning from what they see. 

Perhaps, requiring him to leave will be the incentive he needs to get the help that he requires. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lostinohio]

He would never get disability. There is really nothing wrong with him at this point. He’s perfectly capable of doing all the things that he feels like doing. 

[glows]

You can’t make him get a job. That’s complacency and disregard for his wife and family.

Whether mental health has a role to play is something else but it seems like he’s taking advantage of the situation.

What is he doing when he stays up half the night? He’s involved in social activities and entertainment going to the shooting range and gun shows so his mind is active and he’s capable of experiencing a range of emotions or wants to be a part of activities outside the home. 

I’m sorry you married someone like this as prior to the marriage it doesn’t sound like he shared your work ethic or ambitions. I think you made a mistake marrying him and it’s only now through tougher times that you’re realizing he has not ever been similar to you. You’re both grossly incompatible.

Your children are your number one so whatever you need to do to protect the safety and stability of their environment and their future do that. I think you think of others too much and have forgotten to care for yourself too.

[introverted1]

You can't change him. All you can do is change how you respond to him.  Decide what you can and can't live with and, for the thing(s) you can't live with, how you can change them.  Note that I am saying how YOU can change. You can't make him change.  Sure, you can give him an ultimatum (assuming you are going to follow through), but ultimately you need to decide for you what action(s) you are going to take.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lostinohio said:

He would never get disability. There is really nothing wrong with him at this point. He’s perfectly capable of doing all the things that he feels like doing. 

It's understandable that you're upset about pulling all the weight financially.

Be frank that he need to contribute more financially or as a stay-at-home-husband or through appropriate medical and social services.

There's is such a thing as "long covid" google it. He can do a lot more if his health is ok. However he failed the EMT physical, so something is not right.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Lostinohio said:

He could have a job tomorrow as a paramedic but he’s decided he doesn’t want to do that anymore.

So, he's fully recovered and can pass the physical, now? If he's not willing to get out there and work, stick by your ultimatum. He needs to pull his own weight. It sounds like he might have had this problem before your marriage. You have to decide if this is something you want to continue. 

[SouthernIslander]

For the past 7 years, has he mostly worked consistently and the last year is out of character? 

I wouldn’t be happy with that either but, if this isn’t like him..there may be something else wrong.  
 

Also is he now able to pass his physical? 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Lostinohio said:

 I pretty much work the extra so I can still add to my savings and afford his nicotine habit. 

 told him back in October that if he didn’t have a job by the end of the month that he had to leave. 

Ok. Don't pay for his truck, guns cigarettes or anything else. 

If you divorce, you can save for your future. Focus on your own wellbeing and your children. Do your children live with you? 

You can't threaten to evict him from his marital residence, even if it's in your name. You'll have to get divorced in order to sever finances.

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Wiseman2