My wife cheated on me before we were married , and now I need the internet to help.

[Eyes wide shut]

Dear Internet, 

This is a long story but I really need some help and 2 sense for getting through this . My wife and I got together when I was 18. She was 21. We got married 8 years later and 1 year after being married I found that she had cheated on me during our 3rd year. That year I went away for a week (volunteer work after hurricane destroyed area) happen to be same week as our anniversary. We talked everyday while I was gone, and on our anniversary weekend she made out with this other guy(i didn’t know it at the time and I didn’t know him but he was friends with her group of friends and lives far away.) I came back and everything was normal. Never knew a thing, about 3 months later I saw a few messages(nothing explicit, but oddly talking to another guy and meeting up with him for a weekend. I caught her lie and she said that he was just a friend and his family was going to be there and it was to scout out an area to possibly move to.

I begged her not to go, she still went because she was adamant that this was not anything and just a friend and that I was crazy. She came back and I knew something was off but she totally seemed normal. We really did have a great relationship and trusted each other. I had no proof and her friends were my friends and everyone made it seem like I was the crazy one. I did love her and eventually believed her. Always had my suspicions , but for real we had a loving relationship and this was the only time I felt uneasy.

Years later we married and a year after we were married I had this crazy dream, and in my dream I was told(can’t remember who was telling me or just a voice telling me,) but in the dream I was told that she did indeed cheat on me and the exact name of the guy. Now this could have been in my subconscious rolling in my head by sweeping it under the rug all these years, but I literally didn’t think of it for years.

I believed her when I confronted her the first time and then that was it , didn’t think about. Then I have this dream. So I woke up kind of nonchalantly brought it up and said to her you know I had this crazy dream and I was like..”listen this is weird but I have to know…did you sleep with that guy years ago?” and part of me was like whatever, not a big deal but I assured her that it wasn’t a big deal and that were married now and I would totally be okay with if she did and that I loved her. …..well she did and It was like I was hit by a train and falling from a plane at the same time. Totally devastated, felt weak , betrayed . I had totally believed her years ago and now I had felt incredibly destructed.

She has said how bad she felt, and it was a big mistake , she felt terrible and didn’t want to lose me and hurt me. blah blah blah. Well, we got though it , and seriously we always had a great relationship, she’s my best friend and are really good together. I Was fine for years , I felt like I got over it, I even told my brother n law(her brother)who is my guy best friend(the one who introduced us) and married us(was also the best man). The three of us talked about it and basically he wasn’t as good of a friend as I thought he would be (but what do you expect it was his sister as well) but yea his two sense was like well this sucks and now you know the truth and so you have to decide what you want. Do you want to stay with her ( it was along time ago blah blah blah) . And I did want to stay with her . I loved her , we had what I thought was a good relationship.

She was incredibly remorseful , I gave in and stayed. Now I was not trustful with her and felt torn, but I swept it under the rug and didn’t deal with it the way I should have. But I forgave her and moved on. Upset because our sacred bond was broken, but I did love her. ….so now 8 years after we’re married and two kids later  (who I adore) I am now revisiting this. 

All started with the daughter wanting to go through moms yearbook and sure enough under her mothers picture is the guy who she was with. It brought back all these memories. And the same week I was on FB and one of the suggestions for a friend was this guy. I was like what is the universe doing to me! Also my wife had been being rude and I was on my last leg. I started acting weird and brought it up again to her.  Explained to her that I never properly got over it and need to work this out and need to ask you more questions about like how it started and all that. And then….wait for it…yup more came out. (At this time I knew about “the weekend trip”  but didn’t know about the original hook up that took place on our anniversary weekend 3 months prior. ) .

So I started digging and pressing…feeling angry , betrayed, hurt , sad and every terrible feeling in the world. Turns out they hooked up our anniversary weekend, he lived in an other state at the time and was visiting. She obviously felt free because I wasn’t around(so messed up) , he was hitting on her(not his fault, but still real low) and they “kissed” so she says , and obviously I can’t believe a single word she says . But finding out more and more. Then from this time for four months til they had there “weekend trip” they had been texting, sexting - they were communicating. All this time my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were making some good memories, some of the best I’ve ever had, trips and parties and holidays and birthdays. Just a really good time that two people have, all while talking to this guy keeping a fling alive. Emotionally cheating , so obviously she was intrigued how this guy was in bed. She said that this was it, the whole story , after that weekend they never spoke again, that it was bad and terrible and awkward, blah blah blah…..so now more information comes out and I’m pressing hard to find out more information about. Was the more that I should know about? How can I believe anything you say. So yeah that’s the gist of the story .

And I just feel like I can’t believe anything she says, she’s crying all the time. Are kids know something is wrong…I can’t stop thinking about it , how she stole my life. All I keep thinking is that I wish she told me when I first confronted her years ago so at least I willingly knew before we got married.

After we were married and found out I thought It was like a one time thing and that she messed up , but now knowing she was talking to him for four months. So, to recap..they were at a party, they made out…was “hot” and he flew back , they stayed in touch for months, finally met and yea they had sex. , ….I’m scared that in another 7 ,8 years I’m going to find out more Information about this incident. Or that I’m going to find out about another situation. So, dear internet I’ve searched far and wide on how to deal with this and I’ve come to the conclusion of just writing this now because I’ve never told a soul about this. My brother n law doesn’t know what the full story Is , i just need the internets opinion, I know this is going to get messy but I’m ready. Thank you for your time for reading, yours truly 

Edited January 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, paragraphs

[vla1120]

7 minutes ago, Eyes wide shut said:

So I woke up kind of nonchalantly brought it up and said to her you know I had this crazy dream and I was like..”listen this is weird but I have to know…did you sleep with that guy years ago?” and part of me was like whatever, not a big deal but I assured her that it wasn’t a big deal and that were married now and I would totally be okay with if she did and that I loved her. …..well she did and It was like I was hit by a train and falling from a plane at the same time. Totally devastated, felt weak , betrayed . I had totally believed her years ago and now I had felt incredibly destructed.

Some will be of the mindset that this was before you were married, so no harm no foul - even though YOU believed you were in a committed, exclusive relationship. Others (like me) will be of the mindset that it was a betrayal that went on for 4 months, meaning they probably slept together more than just the one time, and you might need to talk to someone to decide: #1 - if you can get over it and #2 - if not, what your next move will be. 

I will say this much, there are marriages that have recovered from infidelity DURING the marriage. While it was wrong of her to keep this from you, if you can determine that she has been faithful throughout your marriage, perhaps that is what you should concentrate on moving forward. Ideally, both of you should talk to a marriage counselor to help you get past this.

[Eyes wide shut]

Thank you for responding, it’s means a lot 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Eyes wide shut

[glows]

I’d take some time to process what she told you and then see if marriage counselling is an option provided you both want the marriage. 

Your children come first so agree to put aside your marital issues where it concerns them.

[smackie9]

You will get through this...I suggest see a professional counselor to work through these feelings you have about it and, get it sorted out. It's not just the fact she slept with someone, it's the fact she lied to you about it all these years... that's a real hard pill to swallow. So sorry you are going through this....must be terrible. BUT resentment is a real relationship killer so please seek out one on one counseling. All we can give is reassurance...you need more than that. I hope it goes well. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by smackie9

[Dale F]

The bond and trust you both shared, has been broken. What's been done cannot be reversed. You will live with this trauma and dilemma for as long as you remain in this relationship. If possible, consider separating from her for a period of time. Weigh the pro's and con's of a potential divorce. But remember, you will never again trust her, and trust is crucial in any relationship. 

As painful as it will be, consider parting ways in the most amicable of ways. Do your best to minimize the pain and suffering this will bring upon your children.    

[petee]

Ok. Stop.

She has casually shared her intimate parts with another man infront of you. She has lied, exposed you to disease up to terminal, and you seem to want to avoid escalation and confrontation?

Perhaps it’s time to either leave or admit that you will always be second beat to others?