IFSG85 Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I don't know why but all of a sudden, for the past week I have felt this huge ball of guilt in my gut for something I did 17 years ago. I slept with a coworker at a party when I was 19, my now husband and I were dating at the time and living together and he found out I "kissed" another guy and nothing more. We "broke up" but still lived together, not knowing what was going to happen, while on our break I did it again, same person. I ended it right away and then not long after got into some police trouble with drinking and then all of a sudden my boyfriend and I were back together and put that all behind us. I have been faithful since and we've been together 17 years, married about 7 with two beatiful kids(still very young). Now all of a sudden this past week it's all come back into my head that I never told the full story and don't know what to do. Do I tell him what really happened all those years ago or try to forget about it like I have? I can't seem to eat or drink anything and feel guilty all day/ night about this from 17 years ago. I have never done anything since and would NEVER even think about doing it again. We were also not married, had just started dating/living together and I was a dumb 19 year old, drunk and thinking this other attention was what I wanted. I know that is absolutely no excuse for my previous actions. Any advice would be welcome as I love my husband with everything that I am and our children, our life we've built and would do anything to keep it and them from getting hurt. Thank you for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 You tell no one about this and take it to your grave. Your husband doesn't need to know about this, it will do no good to tell him. This "ball of guilt" will pass... Trust me there are skeletons in my closet, but they are staying there. No one will ever know about them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 29 minutes ago, IFSG85 said: I ended it right away and then not long after got into some police trouble with drinking and then all of a sudden my boyfriend and I were back together and put that all behind us. I have been faithful since and we've been together 17 years, married about 7 with two beatiful kids Why blow up your life over something nearly 2 decades ago and never since? Especially when you can't undo the past. The now you is not the 19 y/o immature you. In fact this unnecessary confession will make him wonder why you are brining this up. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I would recommend getting some counseling to help you figure out why this is bothering you now -- is something triggering you? I am usually very in favor of people telling their spouses the truth, but I think given the length of time that has passed and the quasi-truth that he knows, I think it's OK to let it be. If he ever says to you, "Hey, the story about you making out with the coworker has always bothered me, is that really all that happened?" then you can tell the truth. Now I'm giving this advice based on the assumption that he had opportunities to ask you questions back then and chose not to. Who knows, he may have done something on your break too. But if I'm wrong, and he asked a lot of questions and you lied/gaslighted him, then I would be more concerned that this is something that should be confessed to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm usually a live authentically as possible person, but here's the thing, you were a dumb 19 year old trying to figure out this thing we call life. You were not married at the time. You were just a child. You are looking at your childhood, dumb decisions, with grown up, with life experience adult lenses. No good will come of telling him about this. I agree with heartwhole, maybe seek some counseling if available/can afford to see what is triggering this guilt. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 Confessing to this now will do more harm than good. Is it really worth risking exploding your lovely little family? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 Consider this - have you not spent the last the last 17 years making amends - devoting yourself to your husband and your children? At this stage in your life and your marriage, that means more than a poor decision made when you were 19 years old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) Consider whether this guilt is actually a form of self-sabotage and if possibly you unconsciously feel uncomfortable with your functioning happy family, etc. Some people have this, possibly due to experiences they had growing up in their family of origin. They later sometimes have a tendency to "blow up" the family unit they formed. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but something you could consider. Beyond that, indeed it would seem to me at least like most rational people would forgive themselves a 2nd kiss (only!) during an ambiguous time when it wasn't clear whether you'd actually stay together. Of course, people are far from always rational, but still - this at least seems like an extreme reaction to a 2nd kiss. Telling about it now risks real disruption to your family life as your husband will (unnecessarily) start having 2nd thoughts about whether he can trust you, etc. Overall a very bad idea IMO. Edited February 1, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
denwickdroylsden Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 I agree. Take it to your grave. Get confidential help for yourself dealing with the regrets, but consider the regrets your penance for what you did, and your exemplary behavior all these years since then your amends. Tell him now and it's 100% fresh and traumatic to him and he doesn't deserve that. I am in the same boat as you. Mostly dealing with it okay. When I get into pain over those things, I find a way to help someone else. That's my self-therapy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 If your husband hasn't made any comments about the situation over the years then it might be wise to keep it to yourself. However, if he has commented about it, it's likely weighing on him and he didn't believe your story. Funny thing about men who's been cheated on be it 10 or 20 years in the past, if they haven't made peace with it and moved on truly, it has a way to of blowing up your marriage. We have many threads here of this very situation. Not long ago, less than a year, we had a man posting about his wife cheating 30 or so years ago and he was ready to walk away because he never felt she was honest about it. Some times guilt is just good common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 20 hours ago, IFSG85 said: I don't know why but all of a sudden, for the past week I have felt this huge ball of guilt in my gut for something I did 17 years ago. I slept with a coworker at a party when I was 19, my now husband and I were dating at the time and living together and he found out I "kissed" another guy and nothing more. We "broke up" but still lived together, not knowing what was going to happen, while on our break I did it again, same person. I ended it right away and then not long after got into some police trouble with drinking and then all of a sudden my boyfriend and I were back together and put that all behind us. I have been faithful since and we've been together 17 years, married about 7 with two beatiful kids(still very young). Now all of a sudden this past week it's all come back into my head that I never told the full story and don't know what to do. Do I tell him what really happened all those years ago or try to forget about it like I have? I can't seem to eat or drink anything and feel guilty all day/ night about this from 17 years ago. I have never done anything since and would NEVER even think about doing it again. We were also not married, had just started dating/living together and I was a dumb 19 year old, drunk and thinking this other attention was what I wanted. I know that is absolutely no excuse for my previous actions. Any advice would be welcome as I love my husband with everything that I am and our children, our life we've built and would do anything to keep it and them from getting hurt. Thank you for reading. Are you still in contact with the other person? What brought about this sudden guilt? I second counselling if only to speak with someone who can guide you with that guilt. Not saying anything and being torn by guilt like this will affect your marriage anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Like many, I'm usually in favour of a WS confessing. This is a different situation. You weren't married-you were just kids. Why do you think this is cropping up now? Is there something going on in your marriage, relationship or life in general that's bringing this up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IFSG85 Posted February 1, 2022 Author Share Posted February 1, 2022 Thank you all for your replies. I honestly don't know what has brought this back up. I have a minor surgery in a couple days and am nervous about that but don't know if it would have anything to do with this. I told my husband last week that I felt guilty of the time I "kissed" said person and we had broken up for a while and he just kind of laughed it off and said I must have had a bad dream about it and it all of a sudden came back up. Nothing more was said about it and we went on with the evening. I don't know why I can't get it out of my head though, it's weird. I didn't like what I did then, obviously, and hated myself for it, still do, but have been able to put it behind me for so long until now. I do not speak or see the other person and they moved to another state but I can see them as friends on fb. We don't say anything to one another or anything since what happened and I should really just block them. Not sure why I haven't, I have no reason. But I may have to look into counseling to figure out the guilt, this is harming my body as I can't eat, not sleeping well and not able to work well. I want to be the best I can be for my husband and kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 2 hours ago, IFSG85 said: I told my husband last week that I felt guilty of the time I "kissed" said person and we had broken up for a while and he just kind of laughed it off Good luck with your surgery. Yes ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. You realize your feelings/symptoms have nothing to do with a kiss decades ago. You seem to long for your youth and carefree life and this is where you decided to fixate. Link to post Share on other sites
ejh Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 My wife came to me twenty years later with the real story. I would recommend from my experience that you keep it to yourself. You may feel better but your husband never will. It is not worth it to the marriage. The wife and I are currently are in counseling pretty much over this exact thing. Please don’t tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted February 5, 2022 Share Posted February 5, 2022 I don´t have an advice for your specific situation, sorry. I´ll give you, anyhow, my reflections based in an old experience of mine, not describing it as is now irrelevant, but as it were an "as if". All this regardless if someone is or not formally married. If my parner comes to tell me what trully happened long years ago, I would get seriously dissapointed with our relationship ad her for those silent years. But I would perhaps search as a team a way to make it worthy to stay together. No guarantees but a conditional honest strong chance. If my partner keeps it for herself, no matter her good reasons for it and it happens I discover it (and the purpose to keep the secret) that moment would become the last view she would have of my bald head. May be exception made of a civil coparenting. No fights, no bad judging, no debates. But neither explanations. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
ctdans Posted February 25, 2022 Share Posted February 25, 2022 I know old topic but I feel the need to comment. If at 19 yrs old and not married he broke up with you over a kiss how do you feel he would react now knowing you had sex with that guy while living with your future husband? I bet he would feel extremely hurt that you "lied" and now would question what else you may have hidden. Confessing only make you feel better, not him. To him he has a wonderful loving wife and mother of his children. You confess and that image is gone forever. Never speak of that past ever again, never look up that guy on any social media, stay far away from that guy and ANYONE who may know what you did. If it EVER comes to light your marriage is in trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
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