Wife is completely disconnected, cold even. She doesn't even seem to notice me half the time.

[WhereWhenWho]

I hate that this will be somewhat long. I will attempt to outline briefly. Feel free to ask questions if it would help you give useful advice.

I'm 33, she's 26. We have two children. A 2 year old and a 3 month old. We're together for 4 years (I also have a 17 year old son, not hers that lives with me full time)

I am interested in being with her. I don't even entertain the idea of splitting up. We have children together and for me, that's that. For her, she doesn't seem to care and has threatened to leave many times. I've lost count at this point. She always comes back but every time she does I lose a little ground in the relationship. 

I am very affectionate. Always have been. She is not. But she used to be. She blames it on breastfeeding and, sure, it could be that. But it comes and goes so I'm just not sure that I'm getting the full story there. She uses the term "touched out". She genuinely expects me to live a life without any affection or even kind words from her. She says nothing most days and basically tries to ignore my existence. Sometimes things are really good with us and then before I know it she is cold in the face and i just get a dead stare.

I am so tired of being in the wrong. Everything I do or say is wrong and she is a scorekeeper. She has limitless amounts of things to throw in my face any time I try to build communication. 

I really have no clue where to go from here descriptionwise. So I'll just state the problem. 

She threatens to leave if she feels I'm not doing enough... (housework, baby duties, or whatever) And then when I double down she complains about everything I do. She insists on a percetly spotless house even though we have three children and I have at points had three jobs. I pay and pay and pay. For food, for rent, for bills, for so much. She pays half rent and that's IT. She even makes nearly the money I make working a single job.

But I just wonder, what if she did leave? She would be saddled with two kids who are still breastfeeding. She would have no one to pay all her bills. No one to plan, cook and clean for every meal. None of the things I do. And yet she seems almost certain it's what she wants. Now at this point she has left so much and come back and is certain I want her here... That she has no need to impress me at all. She treats me like dirt, when all I want is for us to be a family and my children to know their father. And yet at the same time I don't want them to see their dad treated this way. 

What's going on? I am so lost. What should I even be doing?

[basil67]

It sounds like your very existence is infuriating to her.  If this is the case, how did the second baby come about?   Or if her behaviour is new, could there be any post natal depression at play?   What kind of issues happen before she wants to leave or not speak with you?   For example, are there disagreements?  Fights?  Name calling?

I have more questions than answers for most of this, however I will visit the term "touched out".   When you're a mother of young children, all day is giving your body.  All day is picking up little people, holding little people, feeding little people, comforting little people, rocking little people, cuddling little people.   Touch touch touch touch, all day.   In my case, there came a time where I just wanted my body to be my own - and not just a vehicle for giving comfort or service to people who needed it.   In the grand scheme of things, this period didn't last terribly long and things got better as the kids got less needy of my body.    The long and short of this is to stop asking for sex while she's still got a very young baby.  Allow her some space where she doesn't have to give. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, WhereWhenWho said:

She blames it on breastfeeding and, sure, it could be that. She pays half rent and that's 

Unfortunately it seems you want more sex and she's not as interested due to recent childbirth.

She's paying half the bills for her kids plus your teen.  You should be covering 100 % of his costs and getting child support from his mother if you have sole custody.

Where is your teen's mother? Do you share custody? Perhaps you and your nearly adult son could do more around the house and let her attend to the babies.

The lack of sex/affection can be due to childbirth, exhaustion, etc., but resentment is a big part of this.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Els]

9 hours ago, WhereWhenWho said:

But I just wonder, what if she did leave? She would be saddled with two kids who are still breastfeeding. She would have no one to pay all her bills.

If you left now, you would almost certainly be paying a large amount of child support, especially as you can't possibly take 50/50 custody of a child that's still being breastfed. Which shouldn't discourage you from leaving, if that's genuinely what you want to do... just that your belief in this regard seems somewhat misguided.

That aside, like Basil said, if things have been so bad after the first child, why do you have a second newborn with the same woman?

Have you both considered MC?

[SoulCat]

She is saddled with 2 kids who are breastfeeding. Who's nappies need changing, mouths need feeding, faces & hands need wiping & washing. Add to that, like per Basil's post the constant and endless list of things that are asked of her, involving her body.
A 2-year old and a 3-month old are hard work, and if you're away at your job all day, she's the only one taking care of them while you're out.
No wonder she's mentally and physically exhausted, it sounds like she's running on empty.

As for your 17-year old, does he chip in with doing chores etc? If not, he most definitely should.

 

I wonder if the 'dead stare' that she gives you, is more of an indication of sheer burn-out at the end of her day.
And the thought of yet another person -you in this case- waiting in the wings to lay claim to yet more of her touch, her affection and her body may well be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Add to that, it may take months for your wife's body to 'feel' normal again to her. She's only 3 months post delivery, so I imagine her hormones are still a bit of a mad circus at this point. 

It does sound like communication between the two of you could do with improving. Would you both be open to attending counselling sessions together? 
You may learn better coping mechanisms, and better ways to communicate and interact with one another.
 

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, WhereWhenWho said:

What's going on? I am so lost. What should I even be doing?

I don't know, but it does NOT sound like a healthy marriage or a situation where she respects you.

Consider give her some space BUT ALSO working around to getting into marriage counseling with her in the mid-term. It sounds like you guys need it. There are issues on BOTH sides that need to be resolved, hers and yours, and sometimes it can help to have a "referee" for these conversations.

A good counselor might also be able to tell if this is burnout for a working mother or the initial stages of an (even) more serious psychological issue such as depression.

There are also those in the world who, for whatever reason, have the kids then separate. Not sure why some folks do this, as it is NOT an easy path, but some do. Hopefully she is not one of these types or there may be little you can do.

She MAY also be one of those women who "expects her man to show some spine" and showing more spine would actually be helpful for you. "Simping"/being extremely nice and/or giving tends to undermine a relationship with this type of person. HOWEVER this is a fine line to tread when dealing with an overloaded working parent, so proceed cautiously and deliberately IF you decide to test this particular theory out by being less giving/more assertive.

Edited February 1, 2022 by mark clemson

[basil67]

@WhereWhenWho Given that there are arguments, you would know what your wife is feeling (even if it's sometimes expressed inappropriately).   Can you tell us her perspective on all of this?  

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, WhereWhenWho said:

She uses the term "touched out".

I understand this - with a young child and an infant - I’m sure she is very touched out.

When I was younger, I worked at summer camp. With the little ones, they always wanted to hold my hand when we walked. They would argue about who got to hold my hand and I remember feeling like I wanted to yell - “don’t touch me!!” I can imagine that there is always someone wanting to be held - between a two year old and a three month old. And the 33 year old.  I can appreciate why she wants some space and why her frustration tolerance is limited right now.

21 hours ago, WhereWhenWho said:

We have two children. A 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Is your wife experiencing postpartum depression? With a two year old and a three month old - depending on the age of your oldest, she could never have actually recovered after the first pregnancy.

Edited February 2, 2022 by BaileyB