Worried about a friend

[balletomane]

A close friend recently disclosed to me that she's pregnant. She's meant to be bridesmaid at my wedding two weeks after her due date, and said she had been afraid to tell me because of this, in case I was upset with her. But I'm not sure this is true. I suspect she kept it secret because she's unhappy about the pregnancy and doesn't want to talk about it.

For context, she has been with her boyfriend for less than a year, and living with him only since September. Before she moved in with him she was desperately hunting for a place to live - she's studying in an area where affordable housing is limited. I got the impression that the boyfriend's place was a last resort. They met on a dating app, and I've always had the sense that their relationship escalated because of circumstance rather than active desire on her part. However, her last relationship may perhaps be colouring my perception of this one. Her mother died a few years ago and after that she seemed to fall into a relationship with a guy just because he was interested and there. About the same time she enrolled on a degree in a subject that I've never known her to be interested in. Her attitude seemed to be, "I need to do something with my life, so why not this?" There was no passion there. She dropped out of the course after the first semester and broke up with her then-boyfriend.

When she enrolled on her current course I was thrilled for her, as she was actually enthusiastic. She's in her final year and until recently she seemed to be flourishing there. Around Christmas, her interest in it suddenly plummeted. I urged her to keep going, as she'll graduate this summer and it doesn't make sense to throw away the professional qualification when she's almost got it. Now I know the sudden loss of motivation coincides with the discovery of her pregnancy.

As she told me by text, I was able to keep my concerns to myself. I just offered her my congratulations, reassured her I'm on hand to help, and told her that we can find a way for her to participate in my wedding that feels comfortable for her, even if it's at a distance. This is when she told me that she still wants to be my bridesmaid, and she hopes she'll be able to come to the wedding alone.

This is where I really got concerned. No happy new mother I've ever met would want to leave her baby and partner two weeks after the birth in order to travel 300 miles, much less say, "I don't want to have to focus on managing them." The way she told me about the pregnancy seemed off too. She wasn't exactly turning delighted cartwheels. Her message felt quite wooden. I've known her for over a decade and I know how she acts when she's excited. This isn't it. I have the horrible feeling that once again she's treating life as something that happens to her, rather than something she has an active say in, and she's ended up with an unwanted pregnancy with a person she might not even love.

Obviously I'm not going to say any of this to her. I'm just wondering about the most tactful way to provide support in a situation like this.

[stillafool]

I would just continue to give her an "out" at being a bridesmaid as I see that being somewhat stressful seeing what all she's going through.  However after the baby is born she may want to get away for a break.  Just tell her this below and ask her if she's cool with it and if not be honest as it won't hurt your feelings:

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

No happy new mother I've ever met would want to leave her baby and partner two weeks after the birth in order to travel 300 miles, much less say, "I don't want to have to focus on managing them."

Other than that I  would keep my opinion about her happiness with her relationship and pregnancy to myself.  She could just be going through an adjustment period to her pregnancy.

[Alpacalia]

As a sympathetic ear, I would remain available (with certain limitations, of course).

It might seem cliché, but it's very helpful.

She might find it difficult to be happy with her pregnancy because she believes many people will perceive this as unfortunate timing at best, and totally irresponsible at worst. Even if your friend is happy about her new bundle of joy, she may not feel "deserving" of showing that happiness. 

I'm sure you'll both be able to deal with this together since you seem to be a thoughtful, caring friend.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, balletomane said:

I just offered her my congratulations, reassured her I'm on hand to help, and told her that we can find a way for her to participate in my wedding that feels comfortable for her, even if it's at a distance. I'm just wondering about the most tactful way to provide support in a situation like this.

It sounds like you've done a great job offering support and flexibility with her news.