Betrayed spouses experience something similar to a bereavement

[veronese]

I was reading a book review in the paper today and it struck a cord with me.

 

The author had lost her husband suddenly to heart attack and at the same time had a sick daughter in hospital on life support. Her world was "rocked to its foundations".

 

The book describes her time of coping, her attempt to make sense of months during which all her certainties - about death, illness, luck, marriage, children, memory and grief, were shattered.

 

As the shock kicked in, she experienced a sense of events being beyond her control. She perceived that grief deranges the mind and the body. Months after her loss, she was still incapable of rational thought.

 

She felt raw, almost invisible, and began to notice how people who have lost someone have a certain look, recognisable only to those who have seen the same look on their own faces in the mirror. It is a look of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, and openness.

 

Eventually there came a point when she began to want to tidy her house, to get on top of things, deal with unopened letters and move on. She explains, "Grief is passive. It happens. Mourning, the act of dealing with grief, requires attention."

 

In our culture we are expected to hide that pain, to cope, to prevent ourselves from embarressing others with our tears and dislocation.

 

She says:

 

"Grief turns out to be a place none of us knows until we reach it."

 

It's an agonizing experience for anyone who has lost, for ever, the on they loved.

 

 

Everything she says about her pain and grief mirrored my feelings about my husband when I discovered he had been lying to me for years. I do believe that I have experienced a similar grief to the one she described when I had to suddenly cope with the realisation that I had lost the man I loved forever.

 

Without meaning to sound mela-dramatic, I have been in mourning for what I had and the loss of something I loved and cherished so very very much.

 

Now I have to fall in love with someone totally new and accept that the man I adored has gone.

 

The problem is that almost everyone around me can't see this.

 

I do hope I haven't offended anyone by comparing the two situations, but I can honestly say that I felt exactly the same as her for a long time after the discovery.

 

Veronese x

[whichwayisup]

V, I'm not offended at all, I understand your pain...My father died 13 years ago and I saw my mother go through that. It's a different kind of pain I went through, for her he was her lifeline. She'd been with him longer than she'd be without him, so it was completely devastating to her. She had myself, sister and brother, but my brother had moved out and was already married with one kid and another one on the way.

 

Your situation is like a death of marriage. Uncontrolled by you, unwanted by you yet caused by your husband. Pain is pain and starting over is the hardest thing ever. I'm absolutely terrified of being alone - My worst fear actually as I saw what it did to my mom...She's living life and happy now but it took time for her to heal.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you, I hope you have friends and family you can rely on to get you through the rough days/nights.

 

Lots of hugs to you,

WWIU

[smile95]

I think that sometimes death is easier than a breakup or end of a relationship. What you are feeling is normal. When someone dies, you accept it and grieve and know they are gone forever. They did not choose to leave you. When you breakup, that person is still alive and kickin and that is what makes it hard! THey chose to leave you, they were not taken by God(or whtever you believe).

 

You cannot run into a person who has passed to bring up old memories....you can an ex.

 

I think I read that somewhere, but i never forget it.

[harleygirl92156]

 

Everything she says about her pain and grief mirrored my feelings about my husband when I discovered he had been lying to me for years. I do believe that I have experienced a similar grief to the one she described when I had to suddenly cope with the realisation that I had lost the man I loved forever.

 

Without meaning to sound mela-dramatic, I have been in mourning for what I had and the loss of something I loved and cherished so very very much.

 

Now I have to fall in love with someone totally new and accept that the man I adored has gone.

 

The problem is that almost everyone around me can't see this.

 

I do hope I haven't offended anyone by comparing the two situations, but I can honestly say that I felt exactly the same as her for a long time after the discovery.

 

Veronese x

 

I understand completely what you are saying and if anyone is offended it is because they have never been betrayed by their spouse.

I to have lost the man I loved. He is gone. The man I love would never have done the things the man that lives with me has done. Now I am left with a man I do not know and I too am getting to know this stanger I have lived with for 14 years, it is a little frightening. On top of finding out he wasn't who I thought he was, he has gotten sober (that is a good thing) as well, so has changed into a completely different (better) person personality wise as well. I find myself looking at him some days and wondering who the hell he is and wondering where my husband went.

In reality, the man I loved never existed. He was a man I built in my head and I worked to make the man I had into the man in my head....can you say co-dependent and controling....yep.

Anyway, you don't say how long this situation has been in your life, but it does get better if you hang in there and you both are willing to work on the marriage.

Look at it this way, we are lucky, we get to have an affair with a stranger, without the guilt, we get to be married to two different men within the same marriage......lol....just kidding. Really, if you hang in there and get to know who he really is and he allows you to get to know who he really is you may find in time you will have a stronger marriage. The grief will pass for the most part and 99% of the trust can be earned back if HE is willing.

I am sorry you are going through this pain, no on deserves this, but many must endure it. Us it to make yourself a better person.

Also, know that once you do get to know the stranger in your home, you may not like him and you have the choice as does he, if you stay. It is up to you.

You sound like you are willing to work on the marriage and that is great if he is as well. People can change and everyone deserves ONE second chance to correct their mistakes.

God Bless you and good luck with your future. Don't wallow, pick yourself and live YOUR life.

[HokeyReligions]

The removal of a loved one - even with your prior knowledge - is a shock and causes grief and one to go into mourning. It doesn't have to be a death.

 

I've been through grief counseling and led groups and individuals (I'm not [yet] a certified grief counselor) and there is a natural grief process. People, even though they are the ones who sought a divorce, also experience grief.

 

People cope in different ways and not everyone will experience every phase of grief. Some will go back and forth along the grief line--thinking they are moving through and past it only to find themselves back at a beginning stage. Others move swiftly through an experience only a small part.

 

This past summer I was driving home from work and was just overcome by a wave of raw pain so much that I had to pull over and just cry--even though it has been some years since the deaths of my children. It felt like it had just happened. Other times, like now, I can talk about them and miss them, but the feeling of loss is back farther and I can keep it there if I focus on something else. That is what people expect and if I 'lose it' in front of someone who doesn't understand; I'm treated like I'm weak somehow, like I should be 'over it already'.

 

Before the counseling I would have thought there was something wrong with me for feeling that grief again - like maybe I *should* be over it and that would add to my emotions and make it worse. Now that I do understand I don't let anyone else get to me -- I just tell them they should thank their lucky stars that they have not experienced such loss and that usually puts them in their place! Its spiteful, I know, but that's how *I* deal with people who are so insensitive.

[Woggle]

That is exactly what I felt like when my ex cheated on me. It was like the person I thought she was did not exist and all of a sudden the real person behind the facade was exposed. I did not like what i saw at all either. It felt like I had taken the beating of my life when she cheated.

[Tiny]

I couldn't agree more with Veronese, I lost both my parents many years ago, and yet I still believe in many ways, the loss of a partner through there unfaithfullness is even worse. Not only have you lost them, but they stabbed you in the back before they went. It's the worst felling you can have in life imo

 

That is exactly what I felt like when my ex cheated on me. It was like the person I thought she was did not exist and all of a sudden the real person behind the facade was exposed. I did not like what i saw at all either. It felt like I had taken the beating of my life when she cheated.

 

How strange. What you have just said Woggle is exactly what i've been experiencing for the last 6 weeks now. It's like your still in love with the person you thought they were, but not the one you now know them to be, like my God all those years, could I really be that blind? the only answer i have is, Yes I was.

[Woggle]

I couldn't agree more with Veronese, I lost both my parents many years ago, and yet I still believe in many ways, the loss of a partner through there unfaithfullness is even worse. Not only have you lost them, but they stabbed you in the back before they went. It's the worst felling you can have in life imo

 

 

 

How strange. What you have just said Woggle is exactly what i've been experiencing for the last 6 weeks now. It's like your still in love with the person you thought they were, but not the one you now know them to be, like my God all those years, could I really be that blind? the only answer i have is, Yes I was.

 

The best advice is to move on and start redirecting that negative and those feelings into something positive. Think of it as a learning experience. I am just glad we had no kids. I have moved on and have now found another great relationship. In the end things turned out for the better.

[sylviaguardian]

I see so many things in this thread that I've experienced. In fact, my IC said to me that I talked like a bereaved person. I was grieving for so many things: my perfect family, my best friend, the person who I'd always turned to, my safety and last of all, my self.

 

The safety is the hardest thing for me. Knowing that it is possible to believe 100% in someone and then find out that you should not have believed in that person at all. It makes you question all the other people you believe in. Will they always be there for you? Or are they too betraying you day after day?

 

I lost a lot of faith in people and I grieved for the innocent person that I used to be. Now I am stronger but also less willing to just trust.

 

It is true in my case, that I loved only the person that I thought I saw, not the person that was really there. I thought I'd found my soulmate, now I'm beginning to wonder if that person ever exists. I realised that my husband is weaker than I thought, not as confident as I thought, more easily led than I thought, not as principled as I thought.

 

I have to get to know the real person that he is now, instead of what I believed him to be.

 

Grieving takes a long time. As one poster said, just when you think you are over it, you are reminded of what you have lost and the sadness is still there under the surface. I guess as humans we just get better at finding ways to hide it.

 

Sylvia

[Woggle]

Sylvia what I wouls suggest is lloking at it as something that made you stronger. That is what I did. I went through a bitter period as many people on here can attest to bu I got out of it and emerged a better and stronger person. I hav efound that I am capable of loving again and it is with a person so much better for me than my ex. In a way I am glad my 1st marriage fell apart because I would have never met my current woman. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and there will be a light at the end of yours.

[sylviaguardian]

Sylvia what I wouls suggest is lloking at it as something that made you stronger. That is what I did. I went through a bitter period as many people on here can attest to bu I got out of it and emerged a better and stronger person. I hav efound that I am capable of loving again and it is with a person so much better for me than my ex. In a way I am glad my 1st marriage fell apart because I would have never met my current woman. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and there will be a light at the end of yours.

 

Thanks Woggle. I do see it like this a bit and I am trying really hard not to be bitter. Every time I think something really angry I just try to think of something nice instead. Sounds a bit facile but I think anger snowballs and storing anger in you is not a great thing to do.

 

I AM stronger, just as I am stronger because of a lot of other things that have happened to me. The trade-off though is that I am a bit more cynical than I used to be. Some people would say that I am just more realistic now but personally I liked living in my rose-tinted world. It was nice

 

Sylvia