I find this strange, is it just me?

[itsmemario]

Hi!  Long time lurker, first time poster.

As a little background, 40 year old male here, married once and was divorced about 4 years ago, father to one boy and am in decent shape/mostly confident in my looks.   My marriage failed mostly due to the fact that my ex-wife travelled significantly (she was a pharmaceutical sales rep) and was caught cheating/having an affair.  A lot of friendships ended up being collateral damage when the marriage failed and ultimately I lost a good deal of my male friends.   The few remaining that I had have all since moved away, married, or started their own family and we rarely have contact aside from texting on holidays and such.   

Over the years since the divorce, I threw myself into parenting and work - both of which I believe I've done fairly well at, and take pride in both.   Out of pure luck/fate, I met an amazing woman (35) who had a similar story as mine with regards to how her marriage failed and a child of her own.  We dated, and have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and cohabitate together and our kids get along well.

Within the past 6 months or so i've noticed a shift in her behavior - her feeling like she needs more friends, tired of Covid and quarrantine/masks, and telling me to get out of the house more often.   Me personally, I no longer mind being at home, and don't ask her to stay around the house just for me.  She has her social life - game nights, book clubs, etc - and that doesn't bother me.  I know her friends and they know me.   When I need time, I go to the office or go to the gym.

However, things about a month ago really started to set off my spider senses...an older man has apparently asked her at work to go to dance lessons with him at a local dance club.  Originally, the answer I heard was that it could be fun and maybe all the ladies in her office would go but there was no real answer on when or even a yes.   Now as of last week, the same person has asked again, and this time the answer was a yes and perhaps one of her single friends and her will go to the club  just for some female time and learn to dance.   I said, when would this lesson be?   She said Friday from 8 to 9.   I said oh ok- and left it at that, but she then expanded upon her answer and said they will probably stay until close - and maybe I could be her designated driver?

This part angered me a bit - so you're going to go dancing, now with an older man, and a single girlfriend, and apparently drink to the point where you know you can drive and you want me to drive an hour away to chauffer you home.

I'm not sure why, but I feel a bit angry and perhaps jealous - and maybe its taking me back to what happened to me with my ex-wife.   Maybe it's also the simple fact that she knows I wouldn't go to a club by myself and she knows I'll be simply around the house so I'm the "safe guy".   Maybe she's on the prowl with her single friend, or maybe its all a pack of lies and there's more to the story.  One of my friends that I do talk to on the phone simply said - if she goes clubbing, you go to a bar - don't be available to pick her up or mope around the house alone.

How would y'all feel and what would y'all do?

Thanks!

Edited February 3, 2022 by itsmemario
spelling

[glows]

You’re skirting around the issue. Both of you have disconnected for awhile. It isn’t about being a designated driver. Declining and going to a bar is ignoring the relationship problem that you both have lost that bond. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this as her boldness and lack of empathy or consideration for you suggests she has checked out of your relationship for a long time.

I’d reflect on the relationship as a whole before speaking with her about anything and then ask her if she is happy in the relationship. 

You say that you both found each other and she was in a similar position but five years younger than you. She is not even 40 yet and her friends may be encouraging her not to stay in so much if it’s not in her nature. How long was it before she met you after her divorce? If you are the first man she’s been with since her divorce she may feel she hasn’t had a chance to be single. 

[Happy Lemming]

Can she take an Uber, Lyft or taxi-cab home from the bar??  I know that is not the main theme of your post, but I applaud her for not drinking and driving. 

It's hard to say why your girlfriend wants to go to these dance lessons (with another man).  It might be platonic fun or she could be searching for someone new.  At 3 years, maybe your relationship has run its course and (for her) it might be time for someone new (for her).

My girlfriend does go out with other women to lunch and various activities.  If she wanted to go out for a girl's night.. sure go have fun.  I don't think she would go to "dance lessons" with another guy, though.  It just kind of feels disrespectful.

 

[itsmemario]

Thanks both of you for your replies and comments.

I'll try to address them both:

1)  I don't feel like I've checked out on it - I deeply care, and wouldn't be doing this is the roles were reversed.   Perhaps she's grown bored of the relationship, maybe wanting to see whats on the market again or maybe I'm too available.   She was divorced for 4 years before we met.

2)  I do applaud her for not driving - I know in the past she has been uncomfortable with Uber/Taxi/Lyfts - not sure why specifically other than perhaps being vulnerable, more so if intoxicated.

What I don't know (and maybe it doesn't matter) is whether or not this older man is a dance instructor or someone that simply wants to go with her to dance - either way, I don't think it matters a whole lot as it takes two to dance - so either she's dancing with him, or dancing with some other random person.

I guess the bottom line is,  is it disrespectful?    Dancing in general shouldn't be an issue or concern, not sure what kind of dancing this is - some are "more intimate" than others.  But regardless, seems odd to me.  There's professional dance establishments for learning how to dance, going to a club and being asked/guided to go is a different approach than I'd take.

Edited February 3, 2022 by itsmemario

[smackie9]

She's getting bored with the relationship and wants it to be refreshed. Why not get out of your snail shell and find an activity outside your comfort zone, or go dancing with her yourself. Do something or she's gonna leave you in the dust. Start participating. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by smackie9

[itsmemario]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She's getting bored with the relationship and wants it to be refreshed. Why not get out of your snail shell and find an activity outside your comfort zone, or go dancing with her yourself. Do something or she's gonna leave you in the dust. Start participating. 

Perhaps she is bored, but there's more constructive ways of bringing that to the surface I feel.

I wasn't invited to participate to go dancing - no problem making a fool of myself trying to learn.. but this was framed as a girls night, but yet a man is either going or teaching.   In general though, I've participated - cooking classes, volunteering, and other activities she'd like to do or we'd like to do.   

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, itsmemario said:

 But regardless, seems odd to me.  There's professional dance establishments for learning how to dance...

Now that you mention this, I did date one woman that took "dance lessons".  It was at a studio, she paid for the lessons and learned from them.  We would go dancing from time to time, but yes if your girlfriend wants to learn to "dance" better there are professional studio(s) for that purpose. 

If my girlfriend was going to a professional dance studio, that wouldn't feel "disrespectful", whereas going to a bar/club where you drink, party, etc. would...

Just my two cents...

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, itsmemario said:

We dated, and have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and cohabitate together and our kids get along well.

This part angered me a bit - so you're going to go dancing, now with an older man, and a single girlfriend, and apparently drink to the point where you know you can drive and you want me to drive an hour away to chauffer you home.

Whose house is it? Can you move out or ask her to move out without too much hassle?

You were both on the rebound and rushed into living together and being a blended family.

You seem incompatible if she a social butterfly/barfly and you are more of a homebody.

Do not drive her home. Do not babysit her child. She's a grown woman and she's responsible for her child, drinking habits and transportation.

[itsmemario]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whose house is it? Can you move out or ask her to move out without too much hassle?

You were both on the rebound and rushed into living together and being a blended family.

You seem incompatible if she a social butterfly/barfly and you are more of a homebody.

Do not drive her home. Do not babysit her child. She's a grown woman and she's responsible for her child, drinking habits and transportation.

 It's mine, and I probably could without a lot of hassle.

Perhaps, though is 3/4 years post divorce considered a rebound?  I know I dated a lot after the divorce.

She wasn't much of a barfly - this is new behavior.   In the past, as long as we were doing something it didn't matter what - we were always traveling, camping, hiking, etc.   

I agree here - not going to inconvenience myself for it 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, itsmemario said:

She wasn't much of a barfly - this is new behavior. I agree here - not going to inconvenience myself for it 

Strange. Yes  if she's going to party, she'll have to arrange transport. What do you attribute this recent clubbing/partying behavior to?

[itsmemario]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Strange. Yes  if she's going to party, she'll have to arrange transport. What do you attribute this recent clubbing/partying behavior to?

If I had to guess, one of three (or perhaps all) things:

1) Attention from someone else (the older guy asking) - maybe the butterfly feeling, seeing whats out there

2) Her newly single friend 

3) Stir crazy from COVID

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, itsmemario said:

If I had to guess, one of three (or perhaps all) things:

1) Attention from someone else (the older guy asking) - maybe the butterfly feeling, seeing whats out there

2) Her newly single friend 

3) Stir crazy from COVID

 

Yeah, probably all three. But none of them indicate issues in your relationship just someone who's extroverted and being her friends wingwoman and cooped up from covid. As far as older gent and dancing? A little flattering maybe, but still, no chauffeuring or babysitting! , lol.

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, itsmemario said:

Perhaps she is bored, but there's more constructive ways of bringing that to the surface I feel.

I wasn't invited to participate to go dancing - no problem making a fool of myself trying to learn.. but this was framed as a girls night, but yet a man is either going or teaching.   In general though, I've participated - cooking classes, volunteering, and other activities she'd like to do or we'd like to do.   

What else is healthy is having a life outside the relationship to do your own thing, have your own social circle. My husband and I go do things on our own. I will go to a charity pub event and one of my exes will be there in the group. No big deal. My husband would chat with some of the ladies from the race track community at all hours of the night, in some car chat thing. I didn't mind at all. Just part of having a social life. But we have trust, and we both don't have any reason to question or worry. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by smackie9

[notbroken]

I would not like my live in girlfriend going dancing with another man and would tell her that flat out.  I can't control her or dictate what she does, but I can control my own actions.  I would not stay with someone that regularly went out dancing with other men - period.     I am fine with a 'girls night out', book clubs,  spending time with her friends, etc - but regular dance lessons - no way.   Of course, she'd be free to go dancing - just not with me waiting at home.   Decide what you think about it.  If it is a 'line in the sand' then act accordingly.  For me personally it would be.    

[Guildford]

I think you should volunteer to join this dance class, then you can drive home together secure in the knowledge that nothing suspicious is happening.  If she raises any objects to this idea, then I believe that you have a serious problem with your relationship.

[itsmemario]

13 hours ago, Guildford said:

I think you should volunteer to join this dance class, then you can drive home together secure in the knowledge that nothing suspicious is happening.  If she raises any objects to this idea, then I believe that you have a serious problem with your relationship.

Thats what I was thinking - but was told its a girls night out so I'm clearly not invited there.   I also don't want to be sitting around the house watching the clock so one of my friends suggested I just go to a bar - if its ok for her to do it, then she shouldn't care that I'm doing it.   Seems a bit childish to me but I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet

[glows]

All this is speculation and may exacerbate your anxiety about her going out with friends. Be clear and direct if this isn’t working for you and end it. OR, find solutions together. By trying to manipulate or control or keep tabs on her tagging along it worsens the mistrust between you two. 

My thoughts are that she may care for you but she’s not in love with you in the sense that you’ve both stopped or haven’t shared new experiences together as a couple in awhile. If she wants that with you find out from her and plan more activities together.

Edited February 4, 2022 by glows

[PotatoHead]

In my opinion you should sit down and have a talk with her about all of your feelings on this.  She needs to understand that you have these concerns because of your past, and she should be willing to help you through it if she wants to do what's best for your relationship.  Whether that means telling you any and all details about the people and activities she will be doing with them, or maybe passing on them entirely if they don't sit well with you.  Your feelings and relationship should be more important than a night out.  You can figure out ways to go and have fun together rather than worrying about her being out and around other men.

[aloneagain63]

she is starting a new hobby/activity and that is wonderful.  she is getting out of the rut.  if she hears your offer/desire to learn to dance with her and she tries to cut you out?  that tells me she has checked out of your relationship or is moving that way.   she should be delighted that you would want to participate,