Becoming more assertive

[robaday]

I am a self confessed "nice guy". I've had time to reflect on many failed relationships and one thing that always comes up is me not standing up for myself whether it be friends, family or with girlfriends. I hate conflict. I have enough concerns with everything else going on in the world that I would rather lose an argument or make peace than spend time arguing. Having said that. My unwillingness to argue a point has been highly problematic in my life. I'll play along and play along until it boils up in anger at myself for allowing an untenable situation to continue and I either end the relationship or spend a long time disliking myself. Essentially I don't feel I get the respect I deserve. My family think its ok to criticise me constantly because  they know I will just take it. And with girlfriends if I have tried to put my point across they tend to keep going until I just give way - to save an immediate argument I'll give way but down the line they tend to lose respect for me. 

An example may be that I might be invited to something by a partner. I wont want to go. But Ill say that sounds great can I confirm later and think about it. I got no intention of going. Why can't I just say that there and then? How do I get better at immediately responding? 

I have read no more mr nice and am looking for more resources to really get this area fixed in my life. Any tips?

[glows]

Are you afraid of hurting others' feelings? They won't know what your opinions truly are until you speak up and voice them so encourage yourself to do so. There is always compromise in relationships so pick your battles wisely.

The other extreme is spouting off or taking the opportunity to disagree with every single thing verbally that you don't see eye to eye with with your partner. I find that egocentric and draining to be around, personally. I do not like being around people who have no discretion overall or the emotional intelligence to know when to stop. 

In regards to an invitation where you'd rather not go, thank your partner first of all for inviting you and then decline politely mentioning you'd like to stay home and get caught up on a few things. Be gentle but firm with each other. Keep practicing that and you'll be on your way. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, robaday said:

Any tips?

It's ok to differ. You don't need to argue. Just take the "to each their own" stance. Don't go along until you're boiling. Know when to simply say " sorry, I can't".

[Alpacalia]

Try practicing saying no in your relationships with others.

Those two letters are pretty powerful on their own.

For instance, doing too much hurts, rather than helps, relationships.

I find that the best approach is to talk about your feelings just to get them out of your system, but not necessarily with the other person, particularly if you have no desire whatsoever to forge or maintain a relationship with them. I had to do this with a female acquaintance that tried to befriend me. 

Just try to continue to establish healthy boundaries, practice empathic assertion, and know yourself.  

 

Edited February 3, 2022 by Alpaca

[robaday]

Are you afraid of hurting others' feelings? Its both hurting others feelings but also fear of hurting my own by expressing my own needs and having difficult conversations as a result, or fear of being rejected if I am just me. I am avoidant attachment. My parents were hyper critical of me as a child so I learnt to just be quiet and not give anything away for fear of more criticism..to this day I doubt they really knew me.   

[glows]

1 minute ago, robaday said:

Are you afraid of hurting others' feelings? Its both hurting others feelings but also fear of hurting my own by expressing my own needs and having difficult conversations as a result, or fear of being rejected if I am just me. I am avoidant attachment. My parents were hyper critical of me as a child so I learnt to just be quiet and not give anything away for fear of more criticism..to this day I doubt they really knew me.   

I don't know what attachment I am now but I did a quiz online a couple of years ago when I was separated and the result was secure. I don't really care either as it may be entirely inaccurate. Why not let go of attachment styles or these boxes and let yourself be more natural with your partner. Who else would you feel comfortable around anyway? 

If you're feeling hesitant as in that situation about the invitation, ask yourself what's the worst reaction that could happen? She may be disappointed and that's ok too. She's entitled to feeling her own emotions. I think it's important to acknowledge the feelings of others also in reaction to what you're sharing with them. 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, robaday said:

Are you afraid of hurting others' feelings? Its both hurting others feelings but also fear of hurting my own by expressing my own needs and having difficult conversations as a result, or fear of being rejected if I am just me. I am avoidant attachment. My parents were hyper critical of me as a child so I learnt to just be quiet and not give anything away for fear of more criticism..to this day I doubt they really knew me.   

Sometimes yes, others times no.

Because of your fear of hurting others' feelings, suppressing every part of yourself can actually make you feel depressed. Sometimes you may even find yourself avoiding situations that may upset them, sacrificing your own wellbeing in the process. Try saying "no" more often or offer up other possible suggestions and not care what others think (like if you're trying to decide on a restaurant to go to).

Positive responses may follow immediately, positive and productive responses may follow with a significant delay, or no change may occur. For you, however, just getting up the courage to express your own opinion and/frustrations can be a major victory.

Your relationship with your parents might be something you could try to mend down the road if you feel that would benefit you. In the event that this is not a possibility, you can learn to forgive them on your own terms. Maybe, one day.