So many questions

[JulieD]

I am new here - just found this board.  I am struggling and have no one to turn to.   I have been having an  affair for over 2 years.  He is married as am I.   We talked a lot about our future and what we wanted.  He was found out a year ago, but she didn’t know the full extent.  At that time he said they were going to separate after the holidays.  Fast forward to a year later and he is still there and she just found out the full extent of the affair.  Pics, texts, trips - everything.   He told her he loves me and wants me.  Yet it has now been 6 months since being found out the 2nd time and he still hasn’t left.  Found out a 3rd and final time in December and has cut all contact with me. 
 

So, my question is. For the past year I have tried to give him outs, wanted him to figure out who & what he truly wants.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear but actions speak louder than words.  Why would he string me along. Why would he want both?  Why not just end it with me and fix his marriage.  We had so many conversations about it.  I do not get that part at all. Any insight into why MM do this??  

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, JulieD said:

He kept telling me what I wanted to hear but actions speak louder than words.

You are correct. Go by his actions. 

6 minutes ago, JulieD said:

Why would he string me along. Why would he want both?  Why not just end it with me and fix his marriage.  We had so many conversations about it.  I do not get that part at all. Any insight into why MM do this??  

I cannot answer why he would string you along. Wanting his cake and eating it too is something often seen in these situations. I think it's like an addiction. It looks like the wife gave him an ultimatum the third time she caught him, but who knows whether he will get back in contact with you when the dust settles (as he did the two previous times.) 

You cannot control his situation, so I'm more concerned about you and your situation. How is your marriage? What do you want for your future, especially if the MM is not an option? Can you seek therapy to help you sort all of this out? 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, JulieD said:

 Why would he want both? 

Staying with his wife satisfies the practical and financial aspect of his life.  Divorces are messy and expensive.

Staying with you satisfied the sexual aspect of his life. 

8 minutes ago, JulieD said:

Why would he string me along.

The sex was fun and satisfied that aspect of his life.  It is possible his wife was boring or did not satisfy him sexually.

11 minutes ago, JulieD said:

 Found out a 3rd and final time in December and has cut all contact with me.

 

It is possible his wife put her foot down and said "no more or I'm going to file for divorce"... he looked at his checkbook and decided to cut contact with you.

[JulieD]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

You are correct. Go by his actions. 

I cannot answer why he would string you along. Wanting his cake and eating it too is something often seen in these situations. I think it's like an addiction. It looks like the wife gave him an ultimatum the third time she caught him, but who knows whether he will get back in contact with you when the dust settles (as he did the two previous times.) 

You cannot control his situation, so I'm more concerned about you and your situation. How is your marriage? What do you want for your future, especially if the MM is not an option? Can you seek therapy to help you sort all of this out? 

My marriage is okay.   Have been together over 20 years with 2 kids.   After finding this relationship or whatever you want to call it, I realized what was missing.  I am hurting right now and not in the right mind frame to make any decisions regarding what I want.  I want time to heal, maybe fix my marriage or make a decision.   As for therapy, I want to try to help me figure out myself but haven’t taken the steps yet. 

[glows]

16 minutes ago, JulieD said:

I am new here - just found this board.  I am struggling and have no one to turn to.   I have been having an  affair for over 2 years.  He is married as am I.   We talked a lot about our future and what we wanted.  He was found out a year ago, but she didn’t know the full extent.  At that time he said they were going to separate after the holidays.  Fast forward to a year later and he is still there and she just found out the full extent of the affair.  Pics, texts, trips - everything.   He told her he loves me and wants me.  Yet it has now been 6 months since being found out the 2nd time and he still hasn’t left.  Found out a 3rd and final time in December and has cut all contact with me. 
 

So, my question is. For the past year I have tried to give him outs, wanted him to figure out who & what he truly wants.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear but actions speak louder than words.  Why would he string me along. Why would he want both?  Why not just end it with me and fix his marriage.  We had so many conversations about it.  I do not get that part at all. Any insight into why MM do this??  

It's too easy to end it with you. People may thrive on chaos and that's something you need to be aware of when entering relationships, especially ones like this with extra ties and complications.

Don't deflect the issues in your own marriage and over-focus on his. He's not worth the extra thoughts and I think you know this deep down. It's also very painful to acknowledge. 

Make a decision about your marriage and be at peace with that.

[JulieD]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

checkbook

Yes possibly.  I don’t know what happened the 3rd time. The first 2 he got in contact with me right away to tell me. This time we were texting, he said he loves me so much then the next text was a voice memo saying how it is over and to never contact him again.  Last I have heard from him.   When he was found out in July, he started talking about separating things and next steps.   I am trying to move on I am just angry and hurt.  I was a fool for believing him.  And all I feel for his wife is just pity.   How could she stay with him knowing everything she does.  He admitted to me on the phone while she was standing there the 2nd time he wanted me.  How does she just ignore that keep going.  How do you live your life like that?? 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, JulieD said:

  How does she just ignore that keep going.  How do you live your life like that?? 

Quite easily... its called spite.  I'm not going to let that other woman win.  I'm going to be the only Mrs. XYZ.  If my husband wants to get rid of me, I'm going to make it as hard as possible for him and as expensive as possible.  I'm not going to let his mistress win, and I'm not going down without a fight!!

I dated a woman whose father had a life long mistress, her mother knew but said her mother was the only Mrs. XYZ and there would never be another.  Again, it was pure and simple --- spite!!

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, JulieD said:

How could she stay with him knowing everything she does.  He admitted to me on the phone while she was standing there the 2nd time he wanted me.  How does she just ignore that keep going.  How do you live your life like that?? 

Flip this script..

 How do you stay with a man who kept stringing YOU along? You are doing exactly what his wife is doing. 

[JulieD]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Flip this script..

 How do you stay with a man who kept stringing YOU along? You are doing exactly what his wife is doing. 

 

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Quite easily... its called spite.  I'm not going to let that other woman win.  I'm going to be the only Mrs. XYZ.  If my husband wants to get rid of me, I'm going to make it as hard as possible for him and as expensive as possible.  I'm not going to let his mistress win, and I'm not going down without a fight!!

I dated a woman whose father had a life long mistress, her mother knew but said her mother was the only Mrs. XYZ and there would never be another.  Again, it was pure and simple --- spite!!

Yes that makes sense.   She has told him she is happy living separate lives.  I will never get it.  And trying not to care,  am taking it one day at a time.  

[JulieD]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Flip this script..

 How do you stay with a man who kept stringing YOU along? You are doing exactly what his wife is doing. 

I have asked myself that many times.  As pathetic as I think she is, I am not much better.  

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, JulieD said:

I have asked myself that many times.  As pathetic as I think she is, I am not much better.  

And what about your own marriage? Not only are you pining away for another man and judging his wife for holding on while you are also holding on, you are doing the same thing to your husband. 

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, JulieD said:

 

She has told him she is happy living separate lives. 

She has nothing else, so she is hanging her hat on this (him).

I'm sure when they go to functions together, she puts on her happy face, laughs and puts on a nice show (for appearances).  Then they go home and sit in separate rooms, sleep in separate beds, etc. etc.

Edited February 3, 2022 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, JulieD said:

My marriage is okay.   Have been together over 20 years with 2 kids.   After finding this relationship or whatever you want to call it, I realized what was missing.  I want time to heal, maybe fix my marriage or make a decision. 

Does your husband know? Delete and block this man. It was a fantasy where you escape from your drab marriages and ride off into the sunset together.

It's trying to relive your youth and freedom. There's no pots and pans and garbage to take out or bills or kids to deal with when escaping into an affair.

He had no intention of leaving, just as you didn't. 

[JulieD]

16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

She has nothing else, so she is hanging her hat on this (him).

I'm sure when they go to functions together, she puts on her happy face, laughs and puts on a nice show (for appearances).  Then they go home and sit in separate rooms, sleep in separate beds, etc. etc.

Yep pretty much.   That is exactly how they are, or that is what he told me.  Right now I don’t believe anything that was said to me so for all I know they could have an amazing , loving marriage 

[JulieD]

20 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

And what about your own marriage? Not only are you pining away for another man and judging his wife for holding on while you are also holding on, you are doing the same thing to your husband. 

I am and know it is wrong.  I know I am just as sad and pathetic as she is.  I would like to think if the roles were reversed and I found out my husband was having an affair and that he loved the other woman, I would not give him another chance and that just be it.   My own marriage - I am trying to figure out.  Right now my emotions are raw so trying not to make any quick decisions.  My marriage is okay, we are friends/roommates more than anything.  It isn’t horrible, I just realized what I am missing out on 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, JulieD said:

... for all I know they could have an amazing , loving marriage 

Not if he has been caught 3 times.

I'm sure they are basically angry room mates tolerating each other....  getting from one day to the next... Just existing.

 

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, JulieD said:

Yep pretty much.   That is exactly how they are, or that is what he told me.  Right now I don’t believe anything that was said to me so for all I know they could have an amazing , loving marriage 

You hit the nail on the head. He lied to you and he lied to her (so clearly, they don't have an amazing, loving marriage.) The one thing you do know about him is that he is a liar. Take some time for yourself. Try to put him out of your head and don't allow him to take up space in your brain or your heart. Concentrate on your kids, your family and yourself. Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about this? 

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, JulieD said:

I am and know it is wrong.  I know I am just as sad and pathetic as she is.  I would like to think if the roles were reversed and I found out my husband was having an affair and that he loved the other woman, I would not give him another chance and that just be it.   My own marriage - I am trying to figure out.  Right now my emotions are raw so trying not to make any quick decisions.  My marriage is okay, we are friends/roommates more than anything.  It isn’t horrible, I just realized what I am missing out on 

Ok, first, stop saying sad and pathetic. She is not and you are not. 

He is likely not telling her that he loves you and wants to be with you. He is likely fighting for his marriage. Otherwise, he would be reaching out to you still. 

[JulieD]

18 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Ok, first, stop saying sad and pathetic. She is not and you are not. 

He is likely not telling her that he loves you and wants to be with you. He is likely fighting for his marriage. Otherwise, he would be reaching out to you still. 

That is how I feel.  I never thought I would be in this situation and let someone make me feel this way.  As for what he is telling her/has told her - who knows.  She called me in July and she asked him who he wanted - he said me.  She said okay and walked away.  Who knows what was said after that.  He hasn’t reached out but is putting songs he used to send to me on his Facebook page or songs about being heartbroken.  I guess it is his way to let me know.  This board is helping put everything in perspective.  

[JulieD]

29 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Not if he has been caught 3 times.

I'm sure they are basically angry room mates tolerating each other....  getting from one day to the next... Just existing.

 

Probably so.  He is not my problem anymore - just some days I need more convincing of that!! 

[JulieD]

28 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You hit the nail on the head. He lied to you and he lied to her (so clearly, they don't have an amazing, loving marriage.) The one thing you do know about him is that he is a liar. Take some time for yourself. Try to put him out of your head and don't allow him to take up space in your brain or your heart. Concentrate on your kids, your family and yourself. Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about this? 

That is exactly what I am trying to do.  Taking time, focusing on me and my family. I know I eventually have decisions to make.  I just want to get over and forget everything before I do that 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, JulieD said:

My marriage is okay.   Have been together over 20 years with 2 kids.   After finding this relationship or whatever you want to call it, I realized what was missing.  I am hurting right now and not in the right mind frame to make any decisions regarding what I want.  I want time to heal, maybe fix my marriage or make a decision.   As for therapy, I want to try to help me figure out myself but haven’t taken the steps yet. 

End all contact if you wish to heal the marriage. It sounds like your heart is still invested and the only way for clarity is with him out of the picture. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, JulieD said:

For the past year I have tried to give him outs, wanted him to figure out who & what he truly wants.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear but actions speak louder than words.  Why would he string me along. Why would he want both?  Why not just end it with me and fix his marriage.

May I ask why you haven't filed for divorce and moved out if you expect this from MM?  Aren't you in love with him also after 2 years?

[JulieD]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

May I ask why you haven't filed for divorce and moved out if you expect this from MM?  Aren't you in love with him also after 2 years?

Very good question.  And one I can’t answer.  And have actually asked him why he never pushed me to leave my marriage.  He always told me he wanted to be the one to do it first.  Not sure why.  And then after getting caught 2 different times I was waiting for him.  I don’t know why I never made the steps to leave.  And yes I am in love with him and that is why this is so hard.   Before he was first found out, we talked a lot about us both leaving, knowing how difficult it was going to be but that is what we both wanted.   Something changed after the first time - we stopped having the conversation as much.   I did talk to my parents about how unhappy I was in my marriage about a year ago and that I was trying to figure out what to do.  That is as far as I took it.  

[notbroken]

So if you don't want a 'roommate marriage' quit acting like a roommate.   Treat your husband and marriage like you want to be treated.  Want more romance?  Be romantic!  Want better sex?  Then give it.   Honestly, this sounds like a cliche.  You didn't have a mortgage and problems with your affair partner.  It was a fantasy.  In the meantime, your actual marriage worsened exponentially - even if you don't know it.   I believe your husband deserves to know (if he doesn't already).   He is living a lie and has been for some time.  I feel sorry for him.  My advise to you is to either fix it or break it.   Go 'all in' on your marriage and rekindle what was lost or give it up - and soon.  Any thing else just isn't fair to your husband.