So many questions

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, JulieD said:

Very good question.  And one I can’t answer.  And have actually asked him why he never pushed me to leave my marriage.  He always told me he wanted to be the one to do it first.  Not sure why.  And then after getting caught 2 different times I was waiting for him.  I don’t know why I never made the steps to leave.  And yes I am in love with him and that is why this is so hard.   Before he was first found out, we talked a lot about us both leaving, knowing how difficult it was going to be but that is what we both wanted.   Something changed after the first time - we stopped having the conversation as much.   I did talk to my parents about how unhappy I was in my marriage about a year ago and that I was trying to figure out what to do.  That is as far as I took it.  

Well if you read around in the OW/OM forum you will see that the MW is usually the one who leaves her marriage first and waits for MM to leave his which most times he never does.  MM are usually not looking to lose their wife but looking for extra sex and affection.  Still just because he may not leave his wife doesn't mean you should stay with a man you're no longer in love with.  You and your husband deserve to be with someone who loves you the way you love them.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JulieD said:

I would like to think if the roles were reversed and I found out my husband was having an affair and that he loved the other woman, I would not give him another chance and that just be it.  

So you haven't had a D-day with your husband yet?  When you do (and you will) are you going to understand when your husband doesn't give you another chance because you are in love with another man?

[JulieD]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you haven't had a D-day with your husband yet?  When you do (and you will) are you going to understand when your husband doesn't give you another chance because you are in love with another man?

Yes absolutely.  I would completely understand.  I know I am at fault here.  It is on me.  I would hope he would walk away if that makes sense.   Why would he want to stay?  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Flip this script..

 How do you stay with a man who kept stringing YOU along? You are doing exactly what his wife is doing. 

Exactly what I was going to ask. 

3 hours ago, JulieD said:

I want time to heal, maybe fix my marriage or make a decision.

Your husband is a lucky guy. 

In all seriousness, what sense of entitlement is this that allows you to a) have an affair with another man and b) keep the truth from your husband while you decide whether you want to settle for your marriage or end it? Do your husband and your children not deserve a wife/mother that is more than  “meh” about her marriage/family when not vacationing/having sex with another man? 

Edited February 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[JulieD]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

End all contact if you wish to heal the marriage. It sounds like your heart is still invested and the only way for clarity is with him out of the picture. 

We have.  This is the longest we have not texted or talked.  It has been 7 weeks.  My heart and head are at war with each other.   I know what I need to do, some days are easy and then there are days I miss him terribly.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, JulieD said:

After finding this relationship or whatever you want to call it, I realized what was missing.

Have you considered the idea that you can not possibly compare the two relationships?

A new relationship can not possibly compare to a long term relationship. The shine has long worn off your marriage - you know each other well, the firsts have all happened, the sex has become mundane, the stress of life has worn you both down, he has his own television shows and you have yours…

While, this affair has all the fun and excitement of a new relationship!! You are learning about each other, the sex is amazing, you find his annoying habits adorable, you are travelling and enjoying your time together… This “secret” relationship exists in a wonderful bubble that is very separate from your stale marriage, the stress of raising children, the exhaustion of work and maintains a home.

As you said above, you are not in the right space to make a decision about your husband/marriage right now. You simply can’t make a decision about the future of your marriage when you are in a relationship with another man. It’s not fair to your husband. He can’t possibly compete with your affair partner. Your affair partner will win every. time. because this relationship is new and exciting and wonderful! Unfortunately, it’s not real life. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, JulieD said:

We have.  This is the longest we have not texted or talked.  It has been 7 weeks.  My heart and head are at war with each other.   I know what I need to do, some days are easy and then there are days I miss him terribly.  

Congrats on 7 weeks. Listen you know it takes time to move past this stuff. In my situation an affair with a MM for a year 1/2 d day by his wife was Nov 19. I was a wreck. However, It’s not Feb and I feel like I have turned another corner in my heart and mind. I have been using cognitive behavioral therapy. My thoughts are re directed now and ths is helping to not think of him. You are a married woman and really it’s best to stay away from him. Keep doing that and work on the marriage or end the marriage.   

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, JulieD said:

...and then there are days I miss him terribly.  

So find another guy to take his place.  I sure there are no shortage of guys that are fun, exciting and can be discreet.  You might even find one better than your previous MM.

In my youth, I dated a married woman.  It was great!!  Her husband ignored her, wouldn't touch her, etc. so she asked around and a mutual friend introduced us.  We had a blast!!

 

[JulieD]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Congrats on 7 weeks. Listen you know it takes time to move past this stuff. In my situation an affair with a MM for a year 1/2 d day by his wife was Nov 19. I was a wreck. However, It’s not Feb and I feel like I have turned another corner in my heart and mind. I have been using cognitive behavioral therapy. My thoughts are re directed now and ths is helping to not think of him. You are a married woman and really it’s best to stay away from him. Keep doing that and work on the marriage or end the marriage.   

Thank you so much.  Seems like our situations are similar.  I was reading through some posts to help me see that I my situation is not unique.  Like you, he is 3000 miles away but we saw each other every month - even when everything was shut down.  I am proud of myself (which is so sad) for not reaching out.  I can usually only last a week at the most.  I am tired of the questions and lies.  I may need to look into that therapy you are talking about.   I have no one else I can talk to so am dealing with this alone.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, JulieD said:

I have asked myself that many times.  As pathetic as I think she is, I am not much better.  

You are not better at all.  If anything, your choices are worse.

She's sticking to her vows of marriage, while your actions are trying to undermine that marriage.   It's a sad day when we label someone who's trying to save a marriage as "pathetic"

Edited February 4, 2022 by basil67
grammar

[BaileyB]

I have to wonder what all the fuss is about, to be honest. While I respect the fact that his wife is trying to keep her family together… I have to wonder why? If it was me, after the third time that I found my husband with another woman, he would be out the door. Leave me everything in the divorce - if you want this woman, you are welcome to go and get her.

As for OP, I would say, is this really the man that you want? He proven himself to be a dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful man - to both yourself and his wife. You know for a fact that his words mean nothing, he doesn’t honour his commitments. He is no prize. I ask sincerely, is this really the man that you would chose for yourself? 

Edited February 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, JulieD said:

Yes absolutely.  I would completely understand.  I know I am at fault here.  It is on me.  I would hope he would walk away if that makes sense.   Why would he want to stay?  

Probably the same reasons you likely want to stay: fear of the unknown, not really wanting the marriage anymore but also not wanting to be single (in case the new prospect doesn't work out), lack of security, all sorts of things. 

 

[Myabee]

11 hours ago, JulieD said:

Thank you so much.  Seems like our situations are similar.  I was reading through some posts to help me see that I my situation is not unique.  Like you, he is 3000 miles away but we saw each other every month - even when everything was shut down.  I am proud of myself (which is so sad) for not reaching out.  I can usually only last a week at the most.  I am tired of the questions and lies.  I may need to look into that therapy you are talking about.   I have no one else I can talk to so am dealing with this alone.

Therapy can help a ton. You can move on from this. I am. Slow going but daily progress being made. 

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As for OP, I would say, is this really the man that you want? He proven himself to be a dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful man - to both yourself and his wife. You know for a fact that his words mean nothing, he doesn’t honour his commitments. He is no prize. I ask sincerely, is this really the man that you would chose for yourself? 

But couldn' t MM say the exact same thing about her?  I don't see a difference in the two.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But couldn' t MM say the exact same thing about her?  I don't see a difference in the two.

There is no difference. I absolutely agree.

 

[notbroken]

Why don't you divorce your husband?   Fear?  Maybe he's not really so bad?  Financial dependence?  Ironically, a cheating spouse often loses respect for the spouse they are cheating on.   Do you love your husband?   Maybe you'd be doing him a favor by coming clean and divorcing him. 

[Bittersweetie]

I was a MW who had an affair and gently, you really need to start focusing on yourself, your marriage, and how you want to move forward in your life. You've had 7 weeks of NC, great, now turn that into something more productive. My affair was a bandaid over my own personal issues and my marriages...I focused on xMM (why did he do that? why did he say that?) in order to not focus on myself and the mess I had made. Why did you think your actions were okay? I know it is hard. I think working with a therapist would be an excellent idea, mine really helped me. I also did a lot of journaling and reading. 

PP have a valid point on how you are treating your husband. During my affair, my husband made a big career choice...and after d-day he said if he knew that I was having an affair, he would've made a different choice. I took the truth of his life away from him...he thought things were one way, but they were not. You have done that to your husband. How does that make you feel? This affair is unfortunately not just about you, even if he does not know.

You have to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward, and take the steps toward that goal. It will not be easy or quick but if you do the hard work, it is worth it. Good luck.

[JulieD]

9 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I was a MW who had an affair and gently, you really need to start focusing on yourself, your marriage, and how you want to move forward in your life. You've had 7 weeks of NC, great, now turn that into something more productive. My affair was a bandaid over my own personal issues and my marriages...I focused on xMM (why did he do that? why did he say that?) in order to not focus on myself and the mess I had made. Why did you think your actions were okay? I know it is hard. I think working with a therapist would be an excellent idea, mine really helped me. I also did a lot of journaling and reading. 

PP have a valid point on how you are treating your husband. During my affair, my husband made a big career choice...and after d-day he said if he knew that I was having an affair, he would've made a different choice. I took the truth of his life away from him...he thought things were one way, but they were not. You have done that to your husband. How does that make you feel? This affair is unfortunately not just about you, even if he does not know.

You have to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward, and take the steps toward that goal. It will not be easy or quick but if you do the hard work, it is worth it. Good luck.

Thank you for this.   I have never tried therapy but am actively looking right now.  Any suggestions on where start?  What/who  would be the best to talk to?  That piece is overwhelming me.  I know I need to talk to someone.   
 

And yes, I get everything being said about myself and my marriage.  I have probably thought worse so what people say on here I have already thought it.   I never thought I would enter into an affair.  Now that I have, I can see it from a different t perspective and how affairs can and do happen.  People who enter them are not all horrible.  They are human.  I know I have a lot I need to work on.  Right now I am taking the time to heal and grieve for the past 2 years while figuring out next steps. 

[Amethyst68]

The wife is not staying out of spite.  Why can't people recognise they wouldn't still be together if your MM didn't want to be there! You don't need your spouse's permission to divorce after all, he's there because he wants to be. Maybe he's like you in that he wants his wife to be the one to leave, exactly like you say you hope your husband leaves when/ if he finds out. 

 

If he had decided to leave would you already be separated from your husband. Be honest with yourself here. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, JulieD said:

 How could she stay with him knowing everything she does.

She has a checkbook too...

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JulieD said:

I know I need to talk to someone.   

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, particularly since you are in midlife and may have unaddressed  physical/hormonal issues or mental health issues such as anxiety/depression etc. that led you to this affair.

People in bad places make bad choices. Affairs may seem like a jumpstart and talking to an fantasy man may have seemed ok, but as you see, now the real issues are coming to the fore, that were swept under the rug and treated with the affair band aid.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to help unpack and sort out everything.

[heartwhole2]

Based on my experience as a BW and having read a lot of these stories, it sounds like after DDay 2, he had the chance to leave but for whatever reason he couldn't pull the trigger. He misled her into thinking he had cut off contact with you while they tried to rebuild. On DDay 3, when she found out he hadn't ended contact, he knew there was no way to keep both relationships. He made his choice. My sense is also that he's more drawn to her than he's admitted to you. If she were manipulating him into staying, then the first thing she would have done is tell your husband. That's the easiest way to ensure that an affair ends for good.

Or who knows, maybe they are both on the fence but have agreed to give it an honest shot without a third person in the wings. There's no way to know, which is the obvious pitfall of trying to have a romantic relationship with someone who already has one.

As you said, humans are messy and complicated. The only person in this equation who you can control is yourself. There's no sense in wondering about what's going on with them except to take this time to decide who you are going to be going forward. If he's sending smoke signals, he's either grieving the loss of your relationship or trying to maintain a bit of contact to keep the door open (of course, it can be both). Do you want that door to remain open? To what end? If he was going to leave, the chances were highest on DDay 1. If he wants to resume the affair at some point, understand what he is offering. . . . an endless cycle of anticipation, followed by a couple of days of bliss, followed by the crash and self-loathing, then back to step one . . .

3,000 miles is a lot to overcome for any relationship. Is that why you haven't left your husband?

I definitely subscribe to the idea that any time you've got a big life stressor is a good time to be in therapy. As for finding one, do you have friends who see someone? Or pick a practice in a convenient location and see who's available. You may need to try two or three people before you find the right fit.

[S2B]

On 2/3/2022 at 11:17 AM, JulieD said:

I am new here - just found this board.  I am struggling and have no one to turn to.   I have been having an  affair for over 2 years.  He is married as am I.   We talked a lot about our future and what we wanted.  He was found out a year ago, but she didn’t know the full extent.  At that time he said they were going to separate after the holidays.  Fast forward to a year later and he is still there and she just found out the full extent of the affair.  Pics, texts, trips - everything.   He told her he loves me and wants me.  Yet it has now been 6 months since being found out the 2nd time and he still hasn’t left.  Found out a 3rd and final time in December and has cut all contact with me. 
 

So, my question is. For the past year I have tried to give him outs, wanted him to figure out who & what he truly wants.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear but actions speak louder than words.  Why would he string me along. Why would he want both?  Why not just end it with me and fix his marriage.  We had so many conversations about it.  I do not get that part at all. Any insight into why MM do this??  

He cut all contact. That tells you he chose his marriage - not his OW.

MM do this because you’ve allowed it. he does it because he’s greedy and selfish and needs an ego boost - which actually has nothing to do with having feelings for any woman.

he loves himself more than any woman - he doesn’t intend to change his home life at all.

did you block him from contacting you again?

[Bittersweetie]

On 2/4/2022 at 12:07 PM, JulieD said:

Thank you for this.   I have never tried therapy but am actively looking right now.  Any suggestions on where start?  What/who  would be the best to talk to?  That piece is overwhelming me.  I know I need to talk to someone.   

And yes, I get everything being said about myself and my marriage.  I have probably thought worse so what people say on here I have already thought it.   I never thought I would enter into an affair.  Now that I have, I can see it from a different t perspective and how affairs can and do happen.  People who enter them are not all horrible.  They are human.  I know I have a lot I need to work on.  Right now I am taking the time to heal and grieve for the past 2 years while figuring out next steps. 

I agree with Wiseman that a visit to a doctor would not be amiss to rule out any physical conditions. Plus they may be able to refer you to a therapist. I just searched online and my therapist stuck out to me. Unfortunately most therapists no longer take insurance (though they will provide paperwork for you to submit) so don't let that stop you from reaching out to someone who you have a good feeling about or specializes in infidelity.

Your "heal and grieve" comment stood out to me...xMM ended things and it was 2-3 months before I had my d-day. During that time I too tried to heal and grieve. In that in-between time I was seeing my therapist, and she would ask what actions I was taking, but I wasn't really doing anything except wondering why xMM said/did what he did and stressing about what would happen if my husband found out. I ended up having an STD and confessed, that was my d-day. That's when the actual work started.

You can heal and grieve all you want, but without actual action nothing will change. I have no doubt that without all the hard work I did on myself, I would have eventually reached back out to MM or someone else. Because at that time I didn't address the root causes of my choices. I didn't have consequences. So I addressed the causes, my attitude, my coping skills, all of it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, that self-reflection, but I'd say that even though my life is far from perfect I am much happier and content now than I ever was in the affair. After d-day I chose honesty and authenticity and while that path is not easy at times, it is healthy and respectful to me and others.

I'm not saying all this to bash you...I know right now it all hurts like heck and is insanely overwhelming. But you've had almost two months to heal and grieve. It's time to pull on your big girl pants and start facing stuff, because sweeping it all back under the rug will just lead you down the same path again. I am sending you strength and courage...good luck.

P.S. Work you can do before seeing a therapist could include journaling. Reading books about affairs, relationships, self-esteem. Read boards like this one, or surviving infidelity, in order to gain the perspectives of other people affected by infidelity...because it's hard to see past our own experience after making these kind of choices.

Edited February 5, 2022 by Bittersweetie

[JulieD]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

I agree with Wiseman that a visit to a doctor would not be amiss to rule out any physical conditions. Plus they may be able to refer you to a therapist. I just searched online and my therapist stuck out to me. Unfortunately most therapists no longer take insurance (though they will provide paperwork for you to submit) so don't let that stop you from reaching out to someone who you have a good feeling about or specializes in infidelity.

Your "heal and grieve" comment stood out to me...xMM ended things and it was 2-3 months before I had my d-day. During that time I too tried to heal and grieve. In that in-between time I was seeing my therapist, and she would ask what actions I was taking, but I wasn't really doing anything except wondering why xMM said/did what he did and stressing about what would happen if my husband found out. I ended up having an STD and confessed, that was my d-day. That's when the actual work started.

You can heal and grieve all you want, but without actual action nothing will change. I have no doubt that without all the hard work I did on myself, I would have eventually reached back out to MM or someone else. Because at that time I didn't address the root causes of my choices. I didn't have consequences. So I addressed the causes, my attitude, my coping skills, all of it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, that self-reflection, but I'd say that even though my life is far from perfect I am much happier and content now than I ever was in the affair. After d-day I chose honesty and authenticity and while that path is not easy at times, it is healthy and respectful to me and others.

I'm not saying all this to bash you...I know right now it all hurts like heck and is insanely overwhelming. But you've had almost two months to heal and grieve. It's time to pull on your big girl pants and start facing stuff, because sweeping it all back under the rug will just lead you down the same path again. I am sending you strength and courage...good luck.

P.S. Work you can do before seeing a therapist could include journaling. Reading books about affairs, relationships, self-esteem. Read boards like this one, or surviving infidelity, in order to gain the perspectives of other people affected by infidelity...because it's hard to see past our own experience after making these kind of choices.

Wow thank you so much.  That was amazing insight.  And you are right, even though it has been almost 2 months, I haven’t really made that much progress.  I am constantly questioning everything.  I am my own worst critic and so mad at myself for having the affair then believing his lies for so long. I will not reach out to him at all.  And hope that I am strong enough that if he ever does, I will not engage with him.   I am actively searching for therapists now.   I would love to be able to understand and figure out any of this.