So many questions

[JulieD]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

He cut all contact. That tells you he chose his marriage - not his OW.

MM do this because you’ve allowed it. he does it because he’s greedy and selfish and needs an ego boost - which actually has nothing to do with having feelings for any woman.

he loves himself more than any woman - he doesn’t intend to change his home life at all.

did you block him from contacting you again?

That first sentence I have read over and over again.  Seeing it in black and white makes that more real to me for some reason.   And yea, I do think it was an ego boost and all about sex.  I see him for what he is, but still love him which is the frustrating part.  

[JulieD]

On 2/4/2022 at 2:47 AM, Daliah said:

Really?? I wouldn’t call that ‘spite’…how can a wife trying to preserve the tatters of her marriage (albeit futile it would seem) be spiteful? Now, if she’d been directly spiteful to the other woman, that’s something else…..

I haven’t mentioned the OW much except to give my opinion about her.  When he was found out the 2nd time, she used their son against him.  The son is 6 and placed him in the middle.  Regardless how wrong the affair was, you never get children involved - ever.  But she decided to let their son know full details, that has dad doesn’t love him and wants to leave him.  She has threatened him that he would never see his son again.  MM had a rough childhood so his fear is history repeating itself.  

[JulieD]

On 2/3/2022 at 4:55 PM, stillafool said:

So you haven't had a D-day with your husband yet?  When you do (and you will) are you going to understand when your husband doesn't give you another chance because you are in love with another man?

Of course I would understand.  Why wouldn’t I?  I know my place in this.  I know I am at fault and to blame.  I take full responsibility. 

[JulieD]

16 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Based on my experience as a BW and having read a lot of these stories, it sounds like after DDay 2, he had the chance to leave but for whatever reason he couldn't pull the trigger. He misled her into thinking he had cut off contact with you while they tried to rebuild. On DDay 3, when she found out he hadn't ended contact, he knew there was no way to keep both relationships. He made his choice. My sense is also that he's more drawn to her than he's admitted to you. If she were manipulating him into staying, then the first thing she would have done is tell your husband. That's the easiest way to ensure that an affair ends for good.

Or who knows, maybe they are both on the fence but have agreed to give it an honest shot without a third person in the wings. There's no way to know, which is the obvious pitfall of trying to have a romantic relationship with someone who already has one.

As you said, humans are messy and complicated. The only person in this equation who you can control is yourself. There's no sense in wondering about what's going on with them except to take this time to decide who you are going to be going forward. If he's sending smoke signals, he's either grieving the loss of your relationship or trying to maintain a bit of contact to keep the door open (of course, it can be both). Do you want that door to remain open? To what end? If he was going to leave, the chances were highest on DDay 1. If he wants to resume the affair at some point, understand what he is offering. . . . an endless cycle of anticipation, followed by a couple of days of bliss, followed by the crash and self-loathing, then back to step one . . .

3,000 miles is a lot to overcome for any relationship. Is that why you haven't left your husband?

I definitely subscribe to the idea that any time you've got a big life stressor is a good time to be in therapy. As for finding one, do you have friends who see someone? Or pick a practice in a convenient location and see who's available. You may need to try two or three people before you find the right fit.

Yes I think you are exactly right.  What I don’t get is why string me along after DDay 2?  What was the point?  If he wanted to stay married, tell me and then stop contact.  I guess that is what he is doing now.  I know I am much better off without him.  It is all still new and some days are better than others.  
 

And no, I do not want the door to remain open.   I want to forget the past 2 years ever happened and never look back.  I want to forge him, forget my feelings for him and move forward.  And yea again you are right with what he would offer if he tried to resume the affair.  1-2 good days followed by everything you just said.  I have lived like that for the past 6 months.  
 

And honestly I haven’t left my husband yet because at first I was waiting for him to leave first.  Why?? Now I don’t know, he should have no bearing on what I do with my marriage.  If I want to end it, it should be on me and not because of my relationship with MM.  Since that relationship or whatever you call it is over, I am figuring things out.  Maybe I am horrible for keeping him in the dark, but no one knows what goes on in my marriage and I haven’t said much about it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, JulieD said:

Yes I think you are exactly right.  What I don’t get is why string me along after DDay 2?  What was the point?   

Because he figured he could still get away with it, and he was right - until now. 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, JulieD said:

What I don’t get is why string me along after DDay 2?  What was the point?  If he wanted to stay married, tell me and then stop contact.  

Because he wanted to stay married AND continue the affair… he was a selfish man - he wanted you both. 

I believe you are expecting respect and integrity from a man who is sneaking around and cheating on his wife. 
 

Edited February 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, JulieD said:

Wow thank you so much.  That was amazing insight.  And you are right, even though it has been almost 2 months, I haven’t really made that much progress.  I am constantly questioning everything.  I am my own worst critic and so mad at myself for having the affair then believing his lies for so long. I will not reach out to him at all.  And hope that I am strong enough that if he ever does, I will not engage with him.   I am actively searching for therapists now.   I would love to be able to understand and figure out any of this.   

You're welcome. Two things:

Re criticizing: don't fall into the trap of beating yourself up too much. It's like saying "I'm so terrible then why do anything." That's self-defeating and unproductive. Use your self critique to learn the whys and hows of your choices. I could still be beating myself up about my actions ten years later...instead I use my past choices and what I've learned from them to influence my current choices. I can't change the past but I can change the future.

And re contact from xMM: I came up with a phrase that I would say if I ever heard from my xMM or ran into him. It was simple: Please leave me alone. It was short, simple and to the point. Think of a phrase for yourself and burn it into your brain, that way if you get caught off guard on the phone or in a store, you can just automatically go to your phrase.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JulieD said:

I haven’t mentioned the OW much except to give my opinion about her.  When he was found out the 2nd time, she used their son against him.  The son is 6 and placed him in the middle.  Regardless how wrong the affair was, you never get children involved - ever.  But she decided to let their son know full details, that has dad doesn’t love him and wants to leave him.  She has threatened him that he would never see his son again.  MM had a rough childhood so his fear is history repeating itself.  

If MM had a rough childhood he should realize the affect cheating on the child's mother has on the child.  He is cheating on them both and putting his son in a position to lose his happy home through divorce.  Very selfish.

[pepperbird2]

On 2/3/2022 at 3:37 PM, JulieD said:

Yes possibly.  I don’t know what happened the 3rd time. The first 2 he got in contact with me right away to tell me. This time we were texting, he said he loves me so much then the next text was a voice memo saying how it is over and to never contact him again.  Last I have heard from him.   When he was found out in July, he started talking about separating things and next steps.   I am trying to move on I am just angry and hurt.  I was a fool for believing him.  And all I feel for his wife is just pity.   How could she stay with him knowing everything she does.  He admitted to me on the phone while she was standing there the 2nd time he wanted me.  How does she just ignore that keep going.  How do you live your life like that?? 

before you question why she stays you should ask yourself a more important question-why do you stay?She has worked to build a lie with him-kids, finances, a home. What do you have? A relationship where you love a man who doesn't exist? A "ghost" of sorts you have made up in your own mind to make  what he's doing okay?

When you get right down to it, in him, all your have is a dishonest man and a cheater.

[Beachead]

Correct me if I'm wrong but are you not married yourself? 

[Lisa]

It looks like the OP's question has been thoroughly answered, so we're closing the thread.  Thanks for your participation folks