I don't think married people should have opposite sex friends

[Myabee]

I really think social media is such a breading grounds for potential affairs. So listen to this one. I have had an old bf on my fb for I would say 5 years now. I always just wish him a happy birthday... thats all the contact we normally have. So this year I texted him Happy Birthday and apparently get a who the heck is this back! Clearly his wife on his phone. Now nothing is or ever was going on with him and I at all. So I just blocked his number and deleted him from my fb as the wife just tried to friend me on instagram. Like what is this craziness! Sheesh. I don't think married people should have opposite sex friends as look at all the bs that can come from it. Needed to vent that.🤦‍♀️

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Split off-topic content from main conversation

[Allupinnit]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

I really think social media is such a breading grounds for potential affairs. So listen to this one. I have had an old bf on my fb for I would say 5 years now. I always just wish him a happy birthday... thats all the contact we normally have. So this year I texted him Happy Birthday and apparently get a who the heck is this back! Clearly his wife on his phone. Now nothing is or ever was going on with him and I at all. So I just blocked his number and deleted him from my fb as the wife just tried to friend me on instagram. Like what is this craziness! Sheesh. I don't think married people should have opposite sex friends as look at all the bs that can come from it. Needed to vent that.🤦‍♀️

Stop reaching out to married men, period.  It's one thing to write on their wall where they have hundreds of posts on their birthday but yeah, if my H got an actual text from an ex-girlfriend on his birthday I'd be pissed.  Why can't you see this?  

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I don't think married people should have opposite sex friends as look at all the bs that can come from it.

You reached out to him all the while you are married/going through divorce. There's nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships but most new partners don't want exes hanging around.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You reached out to him all the while you are married/going through divorce. There's nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships but most new partners don't want exes hanging around.

Yeah I know. Crazy the number of people that have exes on fb. This person Im talking about is not MM that the affair happened with... just an ex bf from 30 plus years ago and it looks like the wife went ballistic over a happy birthday message. Who know's? He may have been unfaithful before.. I'm also going to agree to disagree that my opinion on married people with opposite sex friends who chat on messenger or text   is not healthy. That's a slippery slope. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by Myabee

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

I don't think married people should have opposite sex friends as look at all the bs that can come from it.

It's all about boundaries. I don't think exes can/should remain friends, certainly not in the eyes of the significant others of exes (understandably.)

 

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove off topic

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I'm also going to agree to disagree that my opinion on married people with opposite sex friends who chat on messenger or text   is not healthy. That's a slippery slope. 

Well, any time we're talking about a married person having opposite sex friends, you need to take into consideration the spouse of the married friend. She/he may or may not feel comfortable with her/his spouse having a texting relationship with a friend of the opposite sex. We've certainly seen many (MANY) "innocent" friendships cross the line out here on LS. Personally, I have no desire to come between a friend of the opposite sex and his wife, which is why I don't engage in this behavior. If I am texting a married man/friend, I am also texting his wife in a group text. Again, it's about boundaries.

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Well, any time we're talking about a married person having opposite sex friends, you need to take into consideration the spouse of the married friend. She/he may or may not feel comfortable with her/his spouse having a texting relationship with a friend of the opposite sex. We've certainly seen many (MANY) "innocent" friendships cross the line out here on LS. Personally, I have no desire to come between a friend of the opposite sex and his wife, which is why I don't engage in this behavior. If I am texting a married man/friend, I am also texting his wife in a group text. Again, it's about boundaries.

Yes I agree! And if both the wife and spouse are friends with the MM or MW then in my mind thats cool... But the other way around I see as a slippery slope especially is any marital dissatisfaction exist as was the case with the MM that I was in the affair with.  

[Starswillshine]

Why were you texting a married ex boyfriend happy birthday versus just writing on his Facebook wall like you normally do? Have you learned nothing from this entire experience? [ ] 

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Starswillshine]

I have extreme boundaries and so does my fiancé. Yet we both have exes on our Facebook/Instagram. You can be "friends" on Facebook and not reach out to each other privately. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove quote

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Why were you texting a married ex boyfriend happy birthday versus just writing on his Facebook wall like you normally do? Have you learned nothing from this entire experience?  [ ] 

Because sometimes I would text and sometimes would fb... it was never an issue. Nothing exists between us at all. Zero feelings for him in anyway... and not close friends. Boundaries remember?    

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I have extreme boundaries and so does my fiancé. Yet we both have exes on our Facebook/Instagram. You can be "friends" on Facebook and not reach out to each other privately. 

Ahhh yes however... how do you know for sure that messaging on messenger is not happening. I swear to go that is how so much stuff starts. It's a slippery slope. 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Because sometimes I would text and sometimes would fb... it was never an issue. Nothing exists between us at all. Zero feelings for him in anyway... and not close friends. Boundaries remember?    

Boundaries means never putting yourself in a situation that things could develop. Private conversation is one way. 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Ahhh yes however... how do you know for sure that messaging on messenger is not happening. I swear to go that is how so much stuff starts. It's a slippery slope. 

Because we share any and all conversations with the opposite sex with each other. At this point in time, he has never given a reason to not trust him; therefore, I am going to trust that he won't be privately having conversation behind my back. He understands if he does, it is a breech of my trust and our commitment to each other, and our soon to be marriage will be called off. Pretty simple. 

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Because we share any and all conversations with the opposite sex with each other. At this point in time, he has never given a reason to not trust him; therefore, I am going to trust that he won't be privately having conversation behind my back. He understands if he does, it is a breech of my trust and our commitment to each other, and our soon to be marriage will be called off. Pretty simple. 

That is good.... and drives home my point that something sorely amiss with XMM and his ex girlfriends and wife on fb and all his female friends after caught in an affair with me? His wife still allows that after broken trust? That's creepy crazy to think about.  

Edited February 3, 2022 by Myabee

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Boundaries means never putting yourself in a situation that things could develop. Private conversation is one way. 

A happy birthday text and a thank you back with nothing more to it is not putting myself into a bad situation. Some people like a quick text vs reading fb if they don't use it much. Now babbling on about my life texting in that way... thats crossing a boundary.  

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

That is good.... and drives home my point that something sorely amiss with XMM and his ex girlfriends and wife on fb and all his female friends after caught in an affair with me? His wife sill allows that? That's creepy crazy to think about.  

My xH had his HS ex gf on his Facebook. When his affair and then affairS came out, I never even thought about his ex girlfriend being on his Facebook. He never reached out to her, so why would I care about her? 

I do believe that social media has enabled many affairs and definitely helped start affairs that never would have been. Your situation is a perfect example. Old friends reconnecting. I do not live where I grew up. I haven't seen many people in over 2 decades. I still have a lot of people reaching out from back home. Sometimes I will respond to a private message but many times i just ignore them. Because I will never out my fiance in a position that he feels anxiety. I always 100% show him any messages. I have thousands of people on my social media accounts, as do many others. And many, MANY people do not communicate on a one to one level with their "friends" on social media. 

[Starswillshine]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

A happy birthday text and a thank you back with nothing more to it is not putting myself into a bad situation. Some people like a quick text vs reading fb if they don't use it much. Now babbling on about my life texting in that way... thats crossing a boundary.  

For you... given how your affair started. Texting someone privately IS a crossed boundary. You are not great friends.  No need to text someone privately. 

I won't even send a happy birthday to anyone on their wall because the last thing I would ever want another woman to feel if worry or anxiety about ME. I will NOT be the cause of any such worries in a relationship. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

My xH had his HS ex gf on his Facebook. When his affair and then affairS came out, I never even thought about his ex girlfriend being on his Facebook. He never reached out to her, so why would I care about her? 

I do believe that social media has enabled many affairs and definitely helped start affairs that never would have been. Your situation is a perfect example. Old friends reconnecting. I do not live where I grew up. I haven't seen many people in over 2 decades. I still have a lot of people reaching out from back home. Sometimes I will respond to a private message but many times i just ignore them. Because I will never out my fiance in a position that he feels anxiety. I always 100% show him any messages. I have thousands of people on my social media accounts, as do many others. And many, MANY people do not communicate on a one to one level with their "friends" on social media. 

You are one of the honest ones then. I know many that use messenger daily to message people of the opposite sex and they are married. Exactly why i see social media is a hot be for affairs.  

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

For you... given how your affair started. Texting someone privately IS a crossed boundary. You are not great friends.  No need to text someone privately. 

I won't even send a happy birthday to anyone on their wall because the last thing I would ever want another woman to feel if worry or anxiety about ME. I will NOT be the cause of any such worries in a relationship. 

Nah. That’s not fair at all to say. This other person I have sent a text to for many years now with a bday wish or holiday wish my stbex even knew that and had no ptoblem with that. Nothing is between us... At all.  

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

You are one of the honest ones then. I know many that use messenger daily to message people of the opposite sex and they are married. Exactly why i see social media is a hot be for affairs.  

Definitely a hot bed. Having my life turned upside down by an affair gave me a differing perspective. I can see right through the, "hey, how you have you been?" Messages pretty quickly. No, not everyone is trying to start up an affair, but you can see those who are willing to push some lines just in the simple ways they say something. The "lol"s and emojis. The little jokes, etc. It is very easy to avoid once you realize how it can affect a marriage/relationship. Which is why I am surprised that you decided to text someone. 

It does not matter if there was anything ever between you. Didn't you say the same about MM? 

It isn't just his wife, but it is yourself you want to protect, too. 

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Definitely a hot bed. Having my life turned upside down by an affair gave me a differing perspective. I can see right through the, "hey, how you have you been?" Messages pretty quickly. No, not everyone is trying to start up an affair, but you can see those who are willing to push some lines just in the simple ways they say something. The "lol"s and emojis. The little jokes, etc. It is very easy to avoid once you realize how it can affect a marriage/relationship. Which is why I am surprised that you decided to text someone. 

It does not matter if there was anything ever between you. Didn't you say the same about MM? 

It isn't just his wife, but it is yourself you want to protect, too. 

I have been texting people of all sorts since cell phones were invented and never ended up in an affair. And XMM we started on messanger the biggest breading ground for inappropitate relationships in existence, even more so then a text message. And no it was different with XMM... we were chatting up a storm and caught feelings and crossed boundaries. Expectionally different then sending a very platonic bday wish... Literally happy birthday. Have a great day. No flitry emojjis kisses nothing. I did protect all in this case after I got a message back clearly from the wife asking who I was. I deleted the message... blocked and deleted the number and removed and blocked on social media. I did good. Clearly something is going on with my old friend and his wife if the wife had his phone. Do you understand what I’m saying? I removed myself from the sitiation immediately. I don’t want any involvement in the situation. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by Myabee

[heartwhole2]

[ ] 

I try to have very clear boundaries. In fact, after my husband's affair I decided to block my high school boyfriend on FB messenger because I felt like he was an area of temptation and it's hard to keep conversations on track with him (not that it's anything sexual, but he will go right to "we have this deep understanding of each other" when we get in touch). And then, ironically, he posted on my wall, "I'm trying to contact you but your messenger won't work?" Oops, LOL.

Nowadays, there's transparency between my husband and me. When I was putting the pieces together post-affair, I found flirty messages he'd sent to women other than the OW, and the night before DDay he had after work drinks with a very high drama woman and never mentioned it (he just started "working late"). Obviously when you have poor boundaries with one person, it bleeds into having poor boundaries with anyone who will reciprocate.

So my husband mentions any women he has contact with. If I discover he's been communicating with or meeting someone he's never mentioned, that's a huge red flag. I don't care if he has female friends as long as it's above board. I have one good male friend that I've known since we were 7 and my husband is included when I catch up with my friend. (Though my friend's wife is kind of a misanthrope and usually skips it, ha). My other good male friend died young, unfortunately. But my point is that I'm not against friendships between people who could be potential romantic partners. I AM against secrecy, lack of self awareness, poor boundaries, and slippery slopes.

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Myabee]

37 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

But my point is that I'm not against friendships between people who could be potential romantic partners. I AM against secrecy, lack of self awareness, poor boundaries, and slippery slopes.

And it’s the second part here that can lead to an affair. [ ] 

Edited February 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Uruktopi]

May be it´s only personal, cutural or also generational. So my own perspective may not apply to others.

That said, I have female friends as much as male ones. Some of them since about 50 years ago.

In my group of "belonging", a populated one, good friendship is one of our blessings.

There had been and there are, yes, relationships within them. But no known case of affairs, betrayals and not even flirtatious games between / with the ones in reationships with others.

So, based on that long term practice, I have no objections with freindship with the "opposite" gender. It´s proved to be posible and rewarding.

Of course all this assumes some shared views and related behaviours.

- Couples that are together for strong reasons, fiercely being in love rather than only cos more social reasons.

- Firndships that more frequently than not end being shared, instead of "compartmentalized" ones.

- A more wide sense of "teams" (with our partners, with our friends) with less place for a "myasscentric system of the world".

 

[Alpacalia]

Does it make a difference if they are married or unmarried as far as your thread is concerned and being friends with the opposite gender?

Not sure what the difference is.

Although I have a couple of male friends with whom I have been platonic friends for decades, one since childhood and the other for several. Never dated though.

I think that's somewhat different from an ex-boyfriend who pursues an unwelcome friendship with you after he's been married.

So, you made a good decision by blocking and deleting him.

 

Edited February 3, 2022 by Alpaca