Happy Daiz Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 …when reality hits your affair. MM’s wife is going through a health scare, and understandably he’s very worried about her. I’ve said I’m here if he needs to talk, and he’s asked me a few questions re healthcare etc. I don’t know if that’s the wrong thing to do it just feels weird and he keeps apologising for talking to me about it I’m feeling a huge swathe of emotions (sadness/fear/guilt). I can understand he’s scared for her and what might happened. Internally I’m being incredibly selfish because I don’t want things to change. Huge amounts of sadness for the fact that I’m single and if that was me going through the health scare, I wouldn’t have the same love and support he’s able to give his wife. Suddenly feel very alone. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 3 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: Internally I’m being incredibly selfish because I don’t want things to change. Change is an unavoidable part of life. Whether it’s this health scare or something else, it’s inevitable that your situation with him will change. Since you are single, you have plenty of options. And the fact he is showing devotion to his wife when the chips are down shows you where his loyalties lie. Maybe now is a good time to reassess your priorities and take care of yourself. You aren’t doing yourself any favors seeing a married guy. Put yourself first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: Internally I’m being incredibly selfish because I don’t want things to change. Are you happy with things as they are now? Or do you have aspirations that you will one day be in a legitimate relationship with this man? Edited February 4, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happy Daiz Posted February 4, 2022 Author Share Posted February 4, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, RebeccaR said: Change is an unavoidable part of life. Whether it’s this health scare or something else, it’s inevitable that your situation with him will change. Since you are single, you have plenty of options. And the fact he is showing devotion to his wife when the chips are down shows you where his loyalties lie. Maybe now is a good time to reassess your priorities and take care of yourself. You aren’t doing yourself any favors seeing a married guy. Put yourself first. Thank you for your reply. His loyalties are where they should lie, I don’t resent that. However, you’re right, it’s probably a good point to start reassessing what I would like in my life, because he can’t offer everything I need. And maybe that’s something I’ve not realised until now. 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: Are you happy with things as they are now? Or do you have aspirations that you will one day be in a legitimate relationship with this man? I’ve been very happy, on the whole, with how things are. Like any relationship, there have been frustrations, but that’s quickly worked through and I’ve grown a lot whilst I’ve been with him. I think there’s sides to him I see he could never show his wife. The time we spend together is really enjoyable and I think there is mutual love and caring on both sides. At least from my side there certainly is, maybe he’s a very good actor. I didn’t think I had aspirations for it to become a legitimate relationship. Maybe from time to time I’ve imagined it, because it’s natural to be curious, but there has never been any expectation on my part for him to leave his wife, he’s never indicated to me that’s what would happen either. I think what has hit me is if the worst happens, (and I sincerely hope it doesn’t), I’m not going to be the person he ends up with anyway. I think I fit in his life at the moment but who knows what would happen if he was single. So do I want to be that piece of his life that “fits” at the moment? Edited February 4, 2022 by Happy Daiz Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 Step way back. Let them attend to her health. Don't be his confidant. Let him talk to friends, family, therapists and doctors for support. This is your golden opportunity to break free from this go-nowhere situation. Leave them be and invest in talking to, meeting and dating single men who'll be there for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 4 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: I think what has hit me is if the worst happens, (and I sincerely hope it doesn’t), I’m not going to be the person he ends up with anyway. I think I fit in his life at the moment That begs the question - why do you dally here? Particularly if you want an actual relationship with a man - it seems unwise to embers your time and energy in a man who is otherwise committed and with whom you see no future. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 Is he the only man you’re seeing? You’re single (not married). What’s stopping you from meeting or seeing other men? He’s caring for his wife which is understandable but I think you’re placing too much importance on someone whose time and affections are limited to start. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 15 minutes ago, glows said: Is he the only man you’re seeing? You’re single (not married). What’s stopping you from meeting or seeing other men? He’s caring for his wife which is understandable but I think you’re placing too much importance on someone whose time and affections are limited to start. What is stopping her from seeing other men is that she is spending time and effort with a married one. Even if she dates others, her focus is not on finding someone that is available - so she likely won't. OP would be WAY better off learning a lesson from this and not dating unavailable people. He is costing her any chance of a future successful relationship as long as she is with him (actually, her actions are). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, notbroken said: What is stopping her from seeing other men is that she is spending time and effort with a married one. Even if she dates others, her focus is not on finding someone that is available - so she likely won't. OP would be WAY better off learning a lesson from this and not dating unavailable people. He is costing her any chance of a future successful relationship as long as she is with him (actually, her actions are). I am not asking you. I’m asking the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 7 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: The time we spend together is really enjoyable and I think there is mutual love and caring on both sides. At least from my side there certainly is, maybe he’s a very good actor. While you say this relationship has met your needs for the time being, I wonder if you desire someone of your own with whom to share mutual love and caring, who isn't going home to someone else every night. That must be painful to know you only have a fraction of his attention. 7 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: I’ve grown a lot whilst I’ve been with him. How do you see yourself having grown? Maybe you are ready to date others and find that exclusive relationship you desire for yourself. It seems this would be a good time to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 2 hours ago, notbroken said: He is costing her any chance of a future successful relationship as long as she is with him (actually, her actions are). While I see what you're saying about her "emotional energy" that is not actually true. She could always monkey-branch to a new relationship while still seeing him in the limited way the affair allows for. I'm not particularly recommending this or anything, but pointing out that OP's situation is not necessarily either/or. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted February 4, 2022 Share Posted February 4, 2022 16 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: I’ve said I’m here if he needs to talk, and he’s asked me a few questions re healthcare etc. I don’t know if that’s the wrong thing to do Yes it is wrong. Think about how his wife would feel knowing he's discussing her private health issues with the OW. It's another level of betrayal and not the actions of a loving supportive husband that you portray him as.! 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2022 Share Posted February 5, 2022 On 2/4/2022 at 2:24 AM, Happy Daiz said: I think what has hit me is if the worst happens, (and I sincerely hope it doesn’t), I’m not going to be the person he ends up with anyway. I think I fit in his life at the moment but who knows what would happen if he was single. So do I want to be that piece of his life that “fits” at the moment? You're smart to be concerned about this because the chance that he will end up choosing you if she passes is slim. Most MM after divorce move on to another woman leaving OW behind because they don't want to be reminded of their bad behavior that lead to the divorce. I imagine if his wife dies he will be doubled over with guilt and blame himself. He may now just be realizing how much he really loves his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happy Daiz Posted February 7, 2022 Author Share Posted February 7, 2022 Thank you all for taking the time to respond with some very good advice. I know that if I was reading my post I’d say move on and find your own happiness too. Being in the situation feels very different. @mark clemson yes, I agree it’s not an either/or scenario. I don’t feel it’s wasted emotional energy despite being “together” a few years. I don’t feel the need to cut and run, but maybe it’s more a coming to terms that this won’t last forever and have my own personal internal first aid kit ready for when that time comes. However, I do agree with @Wiseman2’s sentiment that I shouldn’t be his confidante during this time. @vla1120 I have had a lot of personal growth within that time (along side a lot of therapy dealing with previous toxic relationships including those with available men), which might sound weird as I’m giving my time to an unavailable man. I’ve been happy being single, without the demands of a committed relationship, I don’t feel I’m sat here waiting for him. This evolved into something I wasn’t expecting it to, but I have appreciated and love what it has become. Although I know he loves his wife, and always has, it has been painful that devotion towards her being so evident and therefore me taking reflection at what I get from him. @stillafoolthat’s what I have always thought. He’s never spun me a line, he has never promised we’ll be together one day and I’ve never asked him to leave her. But I also never imagined this potential scenario and to think he wouldn’t choose me if he was free is a reality check. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 7, 2022 Share Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Happy Daiz said: This evolved into something I wasn’t expecting it to, but I have appreciated and love what it has become. I don’t get this line of thinking - That’s wonderful for you, but what of his wife? Are you entitled to you own happiness if it comes at the expense of another person? Edited February 7, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted February 7, 2022 Share Posted February 7, 2022 You must realize at this point that what you have with this MM is no more than a fantasy. What realistically is he able to offer you? You are his therapist, friend and sex hookup buddy. What's worse is he's never said there will be anything more! What are you getting out of it but some crumbs when HE needs something. Commonly MM stash a side piece to run to briefly when things are rough at home or wife is ignoring their needs. MM don't need rescuing from side pieces. They need their own paid therapists. As long as there are women out there they can manipulate for this purpose - emotional damage done to side chicks will never end. Be strong, walk away. You are likely a highly empathetic and caring lady. He has manipulated you into this thankless role. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2022 Share Posted February 8, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Luna66star said: You must realize at this point that what you have with this MM is no more than a fantasy. Indeed. And what you are beginning to realize is - the fantasy is not reality. You are trying to talk yourself into the idea that you may be able to continue the fantasy a little longer… but eventually - reality intrudes. And reality, threatens your fantasy in more than one way - Edited February 8, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted February 8, 2022 Share Posted February 8, 2022 @Happy DaizIve been there, done that and received the proverbial T-shirt. In my case, I was with her, my AP, for oh I don’t know 5-6 years before her husbands health problems presented. It was one of many situations on her part as to why she couldn’t fulfill the promises she continuously made to me at any given time…such as leave him, etc. I was never even certain that it, her spouses health issue, was indeed factual, but I digress… My situation was a bit different than yours in that I did leave my spouse for my AP. Bear in mind however, there was a part of our relationship following that, where I was the “single” person…as in no longer married. That is when a lot of things changed for me and I began to question our relationship. In the end, she didn’t leave him and looking back now with a lot of clarity, I’m all but certain that she never would or will. I wasted around 7-8 years total with her and sure wish that I hadn’t. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2022 Share Posted February 10, 2022 (edited) On 2/7/2022 at 8:13 PM, Happy Daiz said: Although I know he loves his wife, and always has, it has been painful that devotion towards her being so evident and therefore me taking reflection at what I get from him. You have spent years thinking your place in his life was more important than it was. You were his love. His right hand woman. His confidante. His special friend... Etc. Etc. One day he would see your worth and make you his... Not maybe right now but one day... However it has been made clear to you, that is not how he sees things and never will. Women in general tend to do badly in affairs, they get attached, they want 'more', but men in general in affairs rarely want that. The assumption is that these men are monogamous, when the reality is that they are not. They are perfectly happy with two or even more women in their lives. Edited February 10, 2022 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happy Daiz Posted February 10, 2022 Author Share Posted February 10, 2022 On 2/8/2022 at 2:36 AM, Syre17 said: @Happy DaizIve been there, done that and received the proverbial T-shirt. In my case, I was with her, my AP, for oh I don’t know 5-6 years before her husbands health problems presented. It was one of many situations on her part as to why she couldn’t fulfill the promises she continuously made to me at any given time…such as leave him, etc. I was never even certain that it, her spouses health issue, was indeed factual, but I digress… My situation was a bit different than yours in that I did leave my spouse for my AP. Bear in mind however, there was a part of our relationship following that, where I was the “single” person…as in no longer married. That is when a lot of things changed for me and I began to question our relationship. In the end, she didn’t leave him and looking back now with a lot of clarity, I’m all but certain that she never would or will. I wasted around 7-8 years total with her and sure wish that I hadn’t. That’s really difficult if she was painting a life together by leaving your marriage. Do you feel all that time was wasted? I don’t feel like I’ve wasted time up until now but I do think there will be a tipping point where I will if I stay. He hasn’t sold me a life together “one day”, so it’s on me for where I am now. 25 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have spent years thinking your place in his life was more important than it was. You were his love. His right hand woman. His confidante. His special friend... Etc. Etc. One day he would see your worth and make you his... Not maybe right now but one day... However it has been made clear to you, that is not how he sees things and never will. Women in general tend to do badly in affairs, they get attached, they want 'more', but men in general in affairs rarely want that. The assumption is that these men are monogamous, when the reality is that they are not. They are perfectly happy with two or even more women in their lives. Thanks Elaine. I fully expected his wife to be his primary concern and I’m accepting of that but yes, I’ve probably thought my place in my life was more important than it was. As I said above that’s very much on me. re him not being monogamous, under no illusions there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted February 10, 2022 Senior Moderators Share Posted February 10, 2022 Note from moderation: comments which involve group berating of people involved in an affair have been removed. Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 @Happy Daiz Yes, in retrospect, it was a huge waste of time and energy, among other things. For much of the duration of the relationship, it didn’t feel or seem that way, due to the affair fog. I think you hit the nail on the head with the phrase “tipping point.” I eventually reached that tipping point and moved on… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happy Daiz Posted March 2, 2022 Author Share Posted March 2, 2022 On 2/12/2022 at 2:12 PM, Syre17 said: @Happy Daiz Yes, in retrospect, it was a huge waste of time and energy, among other things. For much of the duration of the relationship, it didn’t feel or seem that way, due to the affair fog. I think you hit the nail on the head with the phrase “tipping point.” I eventually reached that tipping point and moved on… We’re edging to the tipping point. Our relationship has been pretty drama-free. Now things are laden with cliches, promises that can’t be kept etc. I don’t want to regret anything so I’m going to try and go NC. I feel absolutely heartbroken and it’s a grief I can’t even share with anyone. 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 3, 2022 Share Posted March 3, 2022 11 hours ago, Happy Daiz said: I feel absolutely heartbroken and it’s a grief I can’t even share with anyone. 😔 You can talk to a qualified therapist privately, confidentiality and in a nonjudgmental setting. That may be the first step in addressing this situation and breaking free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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