Second Thoughts

[veggie]

I'm a 32 years old lesbian. My dating life has always been turbulent to say the least.

Recently, I left the first healthy relationship I've ever had. She loved me the right way, we treated each other kindly and with respect. I could be myself around her (which I don't take for granted as someone who suffers from mild social anxiety) and we truly enjoyed each other's company. We had a lot of fun, laughed together, supported each other whenever one of us was feeling down, etc. It was perfect on paper. But for some reason, I was just not feeling it. I never truly fell in love with her, or at least I think I didn't. So after dealing with this guilt for months, I finally broke it off after one and a half years.

But do I even know what love is? All of my other relationships started off very intensely and then either they developed into something very toxic, or the feelings faded away on their side. My tendency to always fall for the ones that are not good for me needs to be examined in therapy, I'm sure (in progress). 

With this relationship it was different. We didn't have a lot of common interests to begin with (something I would previously look for in a partner) and we started off really slow, taking our time to get to know each other and in the process finding out we did have more in common than we realised. We also developed a lot of respect for our differences and they were never a problem. It was a very slow build up and I kept hoping to develop deeper feeling. But now I'm left thinking... could this gentle appreciation I feel for her be more than I realise? What if this "wow" feeling that I'm looking for is just very unrealistic? What if something better simply doesn't exist? I'm not sure I trust the "when you know, you know" mantra, because so far, whenever I thought I knew, it just led me down a road of despair. So maybe the opposite is also true and I just don't know when the right person is in front of me, leading me to give up on her?

I'm really torn. I miss her a lot. Part of me wants to try again (of course she'd have to want that too). But I'm scared of ending up hurting her again, if get into this mindset again that what I feel is not "enough". 

Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Any thought or advice? Thank you!

Edited February 4, 2022 by veggie

[Wiseman2]

You're instincts are good that on/off relationships have some unresolved issues combined with complacent attachment. Especially when the on/off nature is due to grass is greener syndrome.

[glows]

It’s better to move forward and heal from the break up. Don’t toy with another person’s emotions. No, it doesn’t sound like there was enough passion and something was missing so leave that door closed. 

From what you’ve described it does seem you are drawn to extremes. I’d explore that and be gentle with yourself while you do. Shift away from those extremes. 

Immediate or strong “wows” can blind you to other inconsistencies and incompatibilities. Aim for some middle ground - someone who inspires you, whom you are passionate about and with whom you’re compatible with for the long term. 

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, veggie said:

My tendency to always fall for the ones that are not good for me needs to be examined in therapy, I'm sure (in progress). 

While in therapy, you can also explore whether the "wow" feeling is something on which you should base the success of your relationship. That "wow" feeling isn't always the begin and end all to a relationship. I was in a controlling, abusive, toxic relationship with a man for 7 years. I am 61 years old and he is the only man I ever had those "wow" feelings for long term. Right up to the day he passed away, I felt that surge of electricity when I touched him (I don't know how else to describe it), and I know I loved him, but the relationship was so toxic, I would not have stayed involved if it hadn't been for his terminal illness.

If I ever decide to have a relationship again, I hope it is a mutually kind, loving, respectful, and most importantly - peaceful, relationship. That beats out the "wow" factor any day of the week.