Should this WLW be jealous?

[hcffemme]

I'm looking for some advice. My girlfriend of 4 months and I are currently on a break because I don't know if I can get over my jealousy or insecurity. 

I'm not generally a jealous person. I think there's a few things that I can pinpoint that have made me skeptical.

When we first started going out, her guy friend slept in the same bed as her when visiting from out-of-town for the weekend. She's a lesbian and I didn't think they had a history aside from him pining for her since they were 15 (we're in our 30s now and he's married with kids). The reason why she told me about it wasn't because it was a big deal to her but he made a weird comment about how she should masturbate if she had trouble falling asleep, which she said made her feel odd. I thought that was completely inappropriate for a friend to say, and I told her that, but I didn't really have any right (and still don't) to tell her who she can be friends with. A few months later she told me that this guy and her actually tried to fool around one drunken night in their twenties because her family is conservative and wanted her to marry a man sooner rather than later (Her family doesn't know she's a lesbian). I felt horrible for her for this and it's the main reason I've tried to overcome my feelings. It's not her fault she desperately wanted a normative relationship in her twenties and he was available. Yet, she's said multiple times the only reason they didn't work out is because she ultimately is not attracted to him/he's not a woman, which makes me feel worse somehow. I feel like there's an emotional bandwidth there that troubles me. 

Last point: I know everyone has varying levels of horniness and express them differently but she mentions if someone's attractive to her or even if boobs are on the tv all the time. She's a self-described very horny person, which I don't judge, but I don't understand why she has to bring it up all the time. I mention when people are attractive to me plenty, but she does it constantly. She says that I can't expect people to be robots in relationships (this is her first relationship ever btw), but I didn't feel that's what I was suggesting when I brought this up.

Otherwise, we're happy. We cook together, walk our dogs together, have great conversations, have great sex, and she's always patient with me regarding weakness or things I'm trying to do to better myself. I'm really unsure of what to do.

-jealous WLW

Edited February 4, 2022 by hcffemme

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, hcffemme said:

She says that I can't expect people to be robots in relationships (this is her first relationship ever btw), but I didn't feel that's what I was suggesting when I brought this up.

While we cannot expect people to be robots, we can expect our significant other to be sensitive to our own needs and boundaries. Hopefully, all of this is simply because this is her first relationship and she's still learning how to be respectful of her partners needs. Just keep communicating your boundaries to her and tell her it is insensitive of her to behave in that manner. 

5 minutes ago, hcffemme said:

Otherwise, we're happy. We cook together, walk our dogs together, have great conversations, have great sex, and she's always patient with me regarding weakness or things I'm trying to do to better myself. I'm really unsure of what to do.

At minimum, it takes about 21 days to break a bad habit (all the way up to over 200 days.) Hopefully, your gf will respect your relationship enough and how well you are doing in other aspects to work toward breaking this bad habit in 21 days. 

I would also request that the next time her friend stays over, he sleep on the sofa. That is a completely reasonable request. She may have no feelings for him, but he clearly had feelings for her at one time. I'm sure his wife wouldn't appreciate him sleeping in bed with a woman he once tried to have an intimate relationship with (if she knows), and your girlfriend also needs to learn to set some boundaries for him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hcffemme said:

her guy friend slept in the same bed as her when visiting from out-of-town for the weekend. we're in our 30s . he made a weird comment about how she should masturbate if she had trouble falling asleep

Yes it's inappropriate. However are you sure she is lesbian and not bi? Or perhaps still covering because of her parents?

[glows]

It’s inappropriate for them to be sharing a bed or talking about those topics, then relaying the sordid details to you. She and you may be very incompatible where it comes care for each other and what’s acceptable. 

Frankly she just seems immature and rude. 

I’d think twice about this if she’s gaslighting you or telling you that you’re jealous or insecure. 

Let her know that you appreciate her in many ways but draw some boundaries of your own. 

[smackie9]

This is why she gets away with it....she does these great things with you, so you stay....you are being a pushover. When looking from the outside in, you need to grow a spine and say something about it. If this guy is pining for her forever, and asking inappropriate things, she should have cut ties with him a long time ago. He is no friend. Seriously...30 something and sleeping in the same bed? Sleep overs are for kids. She's crass and immature to carry on like this. It's ridiculous. 

So that being said....put you damn foot down and speak your mind. If you don't she will continue to make excuses about it, and keep up with this behavior. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/4/2022 at 6:44 PM, hcffemme said:

She says that I can't expect people to be robots in relationships (this is her first relationship ever btw), but I didn't feel that's what I was suggesting when I brought this up.

Oh, give me a break.This is such a cop-out (from her) 

She doesn't need to be a robot, but she can absolutely be more mindful and respectful of you and your feelings. This may be her first official relationship but you're in your 30s. She didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. I am quite sure she understands that certain behaviour might hurt others, and I bet she is able to filter herself when it's really necessary. 

Add to that her continued cozy friendship with a man who apparently made her uncomfortable when he suggested she get herself off, while sleeping in the same bed together?

Your girlfriend has some sketchy boundaries. It's not about whether you should or shouldn't be jealous. It's about whether you want a relationship with a person whose behaviour and boundaries are so fundamentally different from yours. Is this the sort of relationship you envisioned yourself in? Because it doesn't sound like she has any intention of changing, and in fact seems to turn it around on you. Think about that carefully.