Fixated/stalkerish behaviour by me, I cant stop myself

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

This is going to be long winded so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.  Lost my job so unemployed and struggling to get another. Joined a swinging site (was on one years ago) and have been hooking up with a married man for the last 3 months ( no judgements please).  I find myself constantly, and I mean constantly (hourly if not more), going on line to check how long he's on there for and its literally driving me mad. We have had a conversation where he said hes not hooking up with anyone else but me but Im not sure I trust him.  Its ridiculous because if he can lie to his wife he can lie to me.  But Im worried ive developed this irrational behaviour by fixating so much on him.  I moved to a new area so I literally dont know anyone, if I cut it off with him then I wouldnt see anyone, ever.  Im extremely lonely, I cant stop crying, barely eating.  Doc has given me sleeping tablets and offered me antidepressants but I declined those. I obviously cant discuss this with my friends as they dont know about "him".  No judgments please, I feel bad enough as it is.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

  Im extremely lonely, I cant stop crying, barely eating.  Doc has given me sleeping tablets and offered me antidepressants but I declined those.

Follow up with your doctor. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Join some groups and clubs locally to make friends. Get as many jobs as you can right now and keep looking for ones in your profession. 

Delete and block this man from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This is a go-nowhere situation.

Invest in your physical and mental health. Is there a reason you refused medical treatment? 

Also improve your health and fitness and lifestyle. Take some fitness classes.

The more you do to adjust to your new area, get a job, make friends,start dating and take care of your health, the better you'll feel.

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Follow up with your doctor. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Join some groups and clubs locally to make friends. Get as many jobs as you can right now and keep looking for ones in your profession. 

Delete and block this man from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This is a go-nowhere situation.

Invest in your physical and mental health. Is there a reason you refused medical treatment? 

Also improve your health and fitness and lifestyle. Take some fitness classes.

The more you do to adjust to your new area, get a job, make friends,start dating and take care of your health, the better you'll feel.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for responding.  I know my behaviour isnt rational, but I cant stop.  As i dont have alot of money, theres nothing within walking distance really of where I live so making new friends is really difficult.  I do have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks so just trying to hang on until then

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry that you are having a hard time right now.

I’m curious, is there any possibility that you could move home for a while? You don’t have a job, there is nothing keeping you where you are living now. I would think the social support you have from family and friends would be very helpful. And, it would get you away from this MM - that’s a very unhealthy decision for you. Take care. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I do have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks so just trying to hang on until then

With Covid, there are lots of supports for mental health. Have you thought about trying to find a counsellor?

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

We have had a conversation where he said hes not hooking up with anyone else but me but Im not sure I trust him.  Its ridiculous because if he can lie to his wife he can lie to me. 

It goes without saying, but you can’t trust this man. You met him on a swingers site actively seeking a woman with whom he could cheat on his wife. This is not a man of character. This is not a man to be trusted. 

[glows]

5 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

This is going to be long winded so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.  Lost my job so unemployed and struggling to get another. Joined a swinging site (was on one years ago) and have been hooking up with a married man for the last 3 months ( no judgements please).  I find myself constantly, and I mean constantly (hourly if not more), going on line to check how long he's on there for and its literally driving me mad. We have had a conversation where he said hes not hooking up with anyone else but me but Im not sure I trust him.  Its ridiculous because if he can lie to his wife he can lie to me.  But Im worried ive developed this irrational behaviour by fixating so much on him.  I moved to a new area so I literally dont know anyone, if I cut it off with him then I wouldnt see anyone, ever.  Im extremely lonely, I cant stop crying, barely eating.  Doc has given me sleeping tablets and offered me antidepressants but I declined those. I obviously cant discuss this with my friends as they dont know about "him".  No judgments please, I feel bad enough as it is.

It’s good of you to recognize 1) you’re fixated and 2) it’s irrational. When reading your posts it feels like you have a mental block believing that there’s nothing available out there. If you joined a swingers club and LS, you can certainly look up meet up groups in your area. Have you experienced social anxiety before?

What’s preventing you from meeting with others more similar to you? Do you find it painful in the sense that you feel embarrassed about your employment situation? There are many people who are unemployed but remaining productive and healthy or connected to the community. Don’t feel beaten down by shame. 

Also, why not volunteer in the meantime and give your time to causes that mean a lot to you? Keep applying for jobs and volunteer on the side. Give up this MM and shift your mind. There are other possibilities and ways to spend your time. You may feel a bit better knowing you’re being productive rather than destructive towards yourself.

Edited February 5, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

As i dont have alot of money, theres nothing within walking distance really of where I live so making new friends is really difficult.  I do have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks so just trying to hang on until then

Ok, it's good you are following up on medical appointments. Contact social services for help with food stamps, medical care, housing assistance, job placement and training. See what you are eligible for. As far as swingers sites and so forth, forget that. Focus on your mental and physical health as well as finances and assistance.

[Mrin]

Hey OP: wow. That was vulnerable and real of you to post. The fact that you can see and admit this sort of behavior is irrational and compulsive while you're in the midst of doing it is no small feat. Good on ya for that. 

Question: have you ever behaved like this before? For any reason (man or otherwise). If so, how did you break out of the pattern? Could you try something similar here?

 

[BaileyB]

I’m curious to know why you would chose a swingers site to meet a man? If your goal is to meet someone who will be trustworthy and present in your life, that was a poor choice. 

The simple truth is, unavailable and unhealthy people tend to chose unhealthy relationships with unavailable partners. 

If you can get yourself to a healthier place, you wouldn’t give this man the time of day…  You need a counsellor, family and friends, an actual boyfriend - more than you need a married man. There is no joy to be found in this relationship. It certainly won’t help you on your path to a healthy and happier future. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry that you are having a hard time right now.

I’m curious, is there any possibility that you could move home for a while? You don’t have a job, there is nothing keeping you where you are living now. I would think the social support you have from family and friends would be very helpful. And, it would get you away from this MM - that’s a very unhealthy decision for you. Take care. 

Ive just moved to the area so moving again really isnt an option.  I dont have any support locally, thats the problem.  i realise seeing a married man isnt ideal but in my warped mind hes my only social contact.  i know none of this is healthy i just dont seem to be able to pull myself together

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

40 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m curious to know why you would chose a swingers site to meet a man? If your goal is to meet someone who will be trustworthy and present in your life, that was a poor choice. 

The simple truth is, unavailable and unhealthy people tend to chose unhealthy relationships with unavailable partners. 

If you can get yourself to a healthier place, you wouldn’t give this man the time of day…  You need a counsellor, family and friends, an actual boyfriend - more than you need a married man. There is no joy to be found in this relationship. It certainly won’t help you on your path to a healthy and happier future. 

i was on it years ago and just rejoined because i know a couple of people still on it.  i wasnt specifically looking to meet a MM.  yes i know none of these choices are healthy, thats my problem.  in my head i know this isnt a good situation to be in but i dont feel strong enough to do anything about it

[Alpacalia]

That’s unfortunate.

It seems that you were having trouble coping with loneliness of moving and losing your job and ended up in a bad situation. It's all too easy to get caught up in the hype (what "seems" like love). It happens on a regular basis.

6 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

i was on it years ago and just rejoined because i know a couple of people still on it.  i wasnt specifically looking to meet a MM.  yes i know none of these choices are healthy, thats my problem.  in my head i know this isnt a good situation to be in but i dont feel strong enough to do anything about it

But you moved to a new area? Or do you mean they were people from the area you used to live in? Are you in a relationship yourself?

You know, however, that you are doing yourself a disservice by not telling your friends. Indeed, they are only concerned with your well-being. The truth will put them at your side, and they will jump through hoops to support you. You may even find that confiding in them makes you feel relieved because you have aired your concerns.

Start putting the pieces back together in other areas of your life so you can move on. You will begin to meet new people and diversify your life in other ways.

Maintain a safe distance from him. If at all possible, avoid speaking with him, seeing him, or being in his presence. Take each step one by one. It will eventually lose its allure, and you will want to date a single man.

Edited February 5, 2022 by Alpaca

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

With Covid, there are lots of supports for mental health. Have you thought about trying to find a counsellor?

I think i need one.  Ive been given a number for a local group called talking matters, which i am going to call on Monday.

[stillafool]

How old are you?

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I think i need one.  Ive been given a number for a local group called talking matters, which i am going to call on Monday.

It takes great strength to reach out and ask for help. Good for you! I hope you find what you need.

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

i was on it years ago and just rejoined because i know a couple of people still on it.  i wasnt specifically looking to meet a MM. 

And yet, the odds are good that that is what you are going to find. 

What were you hoping to find - a boyfriend? Companionship? No string attached sex? 

I imagine that on that site you are going to find a bunch of people looking for casual encounters or as is the case, a long term affair partner. That doesn’t seem to help you at all if you are feeling lonely and depressed, in a new city with very few social contacts. You would be better to join a meet up group, take a class, volunteer, or join a legitimate dating site. 

I get that this man is your own social contact right now, and that is really sad. I have been in that place, where you feel very isolated and very lonely. It’s a hard place to be but people will respond if you reach out - contact an old friend, or a cousin, or a new neighbour. You may have moved away but - we have video calling. If you have others at home who care - reach out to them and let them help you through this difficult time.

Unfortunately, your one social contact doesn’t care about you the way a family member or a true friend would. Are there people in your life who truly care for you - to whom you can reach out and ask for support?

[mark clemson]

Yeah, therapist HOPEFULLY will be able to offer some help here. Doctor's mostly prescribe pills, as least in the US.

Research limerence online, in case that is applicable to you. IF that's the situation, have some insight into it may help somewhat.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Follow up with your doctor. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Join some groups and clubs locally to make friends. Get as many jobs as you can right now and keep looking for ones in your profession. 

Delete and block this man from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This is a go-nowhere situation.

Invest in your physical and mental health. Is there a reason you refused medical treatment? 

Also improve your health and fitness and lifestyle. Take some fitness classes.

The more you do to adjust to your new area, get a job, make friends,start dating and take care of your health, the better you'll feel.

I have a number for a counsellor which I will use next week.  I deleted my account from the swinging site yesterday so I hope thats a start.

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

16 hours ago, Alpaca said:

That’s unfortunate.

It seems that you were having trouble coping with loneliness of moving and losing your job and ended up in a bad situation. It's all too easy to get caught up in the hype (what "seems" like love). It happens on a regular basis.

But you moved to a new area? Or do you mean they were people from the area you used to live in? Are you in a relationship yourself?

You know, however, that you are doing yourself a disservice by not telling your friends. Indeed, they are only concerned with your well-being. The truth will put them at your side, and they will jump through hoops to support you. You may even find that confiding in them makes you feel relieved because you have aired your concerns.

Start putting the pieces back together in other areas of your life so you can move on. You will begin to meet new people and diversify your life in other ways.

Maintain a safe distance from him. If at all possible, avoid speaking with him, seeing him, or being in his presence. Take each step one by one. It will eventually lose its allure, and you will want to date a single man.

I cant tell my friends ive been sleeping with a married man from a swingers site. I have confided in one of them about other areas i am struggling with but they live 300 miles away, its not the same talking on the phone.  I  miss my friends and family.  I just feel so lost.

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

Just now, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I cant tell my friends ive been sleeping with a married man from a swingers site. I have confided in one of them about other areas i am struggling with but they live 300 miles away, its not the same talking on the phone.  I  miss my friends and family.  I just feel so lost.

I am single and live alone.  I moved away from my friends to be nearer to one member of my family but its a long way away.  What with the pandemic and not being able to get a job easily ive found it really difficult.  now what with the MM situation its all just taken its toll

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

17 hours ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP: wow. That was vulnerable and real of you to post. The fact that you can see and admit this sort of behavior is irrational and compulsive while you're in the midst of doing it is no small feat. Good on ya for that. 

Question: have you ever behaved like this before? For any reason (man or otherwise). If so, how did you break out of the pattern? Could you try something similar here?

 

thank you, i feel extremely vulnerable.  yes ive always had this tendency not to trust a man. actually now ive written that its got me thinking that i probably do have some deep rooted issues i havent dealt with.  i will definitely seek some counselling because i recognise my reaction to feel im being cheated on isnt normal

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

How old are you?

I am 47. 

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah, therapist HOPEFULLY will be able to offer some help here. Doctor's mostly prescribe pills, as least in the US.

Research limerence online, in case that is applicable to you. IF that's the situation, have some insight into it may help somewhat.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

thank you for that, i will check it out.  i am trying to avoid taking pills because i recognise i have an addictive personality and i wouldnt want to get hooked on antidepressants

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, the odds are good that that is what you are going to find. 

What were you hoping to find - a boyfriend? Companionship? No string attached sex? 

I imagine that on that site you are going to find a bunch of people looking for casual encounters or as is the case, a long term affair partner. That doesn’t seem to help you at all if you are feeling lonely and depressed, in a new city with very few social contacts. You would be better to join a meet up group, take a class, volunteer, or join a legitimate dating site. 

I get that this man is your own social contact right now, and that is really sad. I have been in that place, where you feel very isolated and very lonely. It’s a hard place to be but people will respond if you reach out - contact an old friend, or a cousin, or a new neighbour. You may have moved away but - we have video calling. If you have others at home who care - reach out to them and let them help you through this difficult time.

Unfortunately, your one social contact doesn’t care about you the way a family member or a true friend would. Are there people in your life who truly care for you - to whom you can reach out and ask for support?

To be honest i was hoping to find a boyfriend, or at least someone who cared about me.  I realise that site isnt the place to find it.  Ive deleted my account from there now and told him I no longer want to see him.  He hasnt read the message yet but I expect he'll agree.  Feel sick at the thought but i realise its not doing me any good whatsoever.

I just want a good nights sleep and to feel at peace and i havent felt like that in a long long time.  I realise now I was struggling last year mentally.