Fixated/stalkerish behaviour by me, I cant stop myself

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you were able to quit smoking and gambling, you'll be able to do this. You're right, just one foot in front of the other.

Excellent you are getting resources and referrals to places that can help. Government agencies and faith-based charities often have help for those who have fallen on hard times.

Do they have a welfare system you can look into? Besides the foodbank can you get food stamps/vouchers (or UK equivalent) or subsidized housing help or help with utilities? Keep researching ways to reach out to get back on your feet. 

See if there are local cash or barter things you could do such as walk dogs, housesit, dogsit, babysit, clean apartments and so on for transportation and some spending money. Check ads.

quitting smoking was easy for me, mind over matter.  gambling was a harder addiction but ive managed to keep it under control for a couple of years now.

but this obsessive stuff, falling for a married man etc, this is next level.  its like i know i cant have him but i want him even more.  complete mind f*%k.

im receiving all the benefits i am entitled to but its still not enough, hence me having to go to a food bank today.  thoroughly ashamed that i have to do this, ive worked full time since the age of 16, but lost my job recently due to covid.  

[glows]

Give yourself two weeks. Once you’ve broken the habit of looking and suddenly realize how much more enriched your life is without his presence it’ll become more and more of a distant memory.

It didn’t matter whether it was someone I was dating for a year or whether it was my ex-spouse trying to come back when we were separated. It always took about two weeks for me to shake it off personally. We’re all different but give yourself that window and be proactive and diligent in the way you choose to spend the day. 

It’s always hard to break old patterns of doing things. Replace it with a new routine. I suggest you find more activities for yourself away from the computer or not having to do with your phone if you find yourself tempted to check the site.  

[vla1120]

8 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

im receiving all the benefits i am entitled to but its still not enough, hence me having to go to a food bank today.  thoroughly ashamed that i have to do this, ive worked full time since the age of 16, but lost my job recently due to covid.  

Do not be ashamed of anything you are going through! There are many in your position, who lost jobs during COVID. It is not a reflection on you or your abilities. Keep you head held high!

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

thank you so much for your support.  like you say its very easy to fall back down the rabbit hole. im resisting rejoining the site just to check up on him. i have to keep telling myself that if i do rejoin, all that will happen is i'll see him online, then that will upset me and im back to square one!  its self torture isnt it but i recognise that now

Welcome!

I know you're probably laughing at me because I've mentioned it several times now but reach out to family and friends or do something else every time you feel the urge to rejoin the swinger website like go for a walk or a run or just step away from the computer.

There is no future for you with this man. 

 

 

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

On 2/8/2022 at 9:03 PM, Alpaca said:

Welcome!

I know you're probably laughing at me because I've mentioned it several times now but reach out to family and friends or do something else every time you feel the urge to rejoin the swinger website like go for a walk or a run or just step away from the computer.

There is no future for you with this man. 

 

 

Definitely not laughing at you, i appreciate your advice!  I do need a distraction, i am trying to not use my phone so much so its not to hand. my laptop is out of view too so im not tempted to rejoin the site.  its very difficult though, the pull is so strong

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

On 2/8/2022 at 2:28 PM, glows said:

Give yourself two weeks. Once you’ve broken the habit of looking and suddenly realize how much more enriched your life is without his presence it’ll become more and more of a distant memory.

It didn’t matter whether it was someone I was dating for a year or whether it was my ex-spouse trying to come back when we were separated. It always took about two weeks for me to shake it off personally. We’re all different but give yourself that window and be proactive and diligent in the way you choose to spend the day. 

It’s always hard to break old patterns of doing things. Replace it with a new routine. I suggest you find more activities for yourself away from the computer or not having to do with your phone if you find yourself tempted to check the site.  

I know time is a great healer and all that but im finding it really really difficult to stop thinking about him. im trying to distract myself as much as i can but its not easy 

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

On 2/8/2022 at 6:07 PM, vla1120 said:

Do not be ashamed of anything you are going through! There are many in your position, who lost jobs during COVID. It is not a reflection on you or your abilities. Keep you head held high!

thank you. i do feel like a 2nd class citizen  because im struggling to get work. i suppose its just the whole self esteem in general. if i was feeling ok etc i wouldnt have joined a swinging site for "company".  just need to try and get employment somehow

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Definitely not laughing at you, i appreciate your advice!  I do need a distraction, i am trying to not use my phone so much so its not to hand. my laptop is out of view too so im not tempted to rejoin the site.  its very difficult though, the pull is so strong

Ok good.

Oh yes, I've had that pull. There was a man I dated that I stopped dating and I was always so tempted to reach out to him for the longest time.

Just gotta occupato your time. Think of it kind of like a break-up.

How are you doing on some of the other things mentioned in the thread (with regard to your physical/mental health, work, etc.)?

[dramafreezone]

On 2/5/2022 at 12:33 AM, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

This is going to be long winded so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.  Lost my job so unemployed and struggling to get another. Joined a swinging site (was on one years ago) and have been hooking up with a married man for the last 3 months ( no judgements please).  I find myself constantly, and I mean constantly (hourly if not more), going on line to check how long he's on there for and its literally driving me mad. We have had a conversation where he said hes not hooking up with anyone else but me but Im not sure I trust him.  Its ridiculous because if he can lie to his wife he can lie to me.  But Im worried ive developed this irrational behaviour by fixating so much on him.  I moved to a new area so I literally dont know anyone, if I cut it off with him then I wouldnt see anyone, ever.  Im extremely lonely, I cant stop crying, barely eating.  Doc has given me sleeping tablets and offered me antidepressants but I declined those. I obviously cant discuss this with my friends as they dont know about "him".  No judgments please, I feel bad enough as it is.

I would say dating is the last thing you should be worrying about at this point.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost by focusing on therapy to address/repair this trauma that's led to this behavior.   When not in therapy you should fill your time with hobbies, activities, goals that will serve to enrich your life.

It's not realistic to have expectations that a married man is going to help you lead a healthy life going forward.  How can you have a healthy relationship with *anyone* when your life is in disarray?  Focus on fixing that first.

Edited February 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

21 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I would say dating is the last thing you should be worrying about at this point.  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost by focusing on therapy to address/repair this trauma that's led to this behavior.   When not in therapy you should fill your time with hobbies, activities, goals that will serve to enrich your life.

It's not realistic to have expectations that a married man is going to help you lead a healthy life going forward.  How can you have a healthy relationship with *anyone* when your life is in disarray?  Focus on fixing that first.

If you read further down the thread, i have dumped the married man

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

If you read further down the thread, i have dumped the married man

Did you actually have a conversation with him and dump him or did you decide to stop spying and obsessing over him?

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did you actually have a conversation with him and dump him or did you decide to stop spying and obsessing over him?

I texted him said i couldnt continue our "relationship".  he read it and didnt even bother replying so that clearly shows how much he cared about me doesnt it!  

[basil67]

I'm glad you decided to end this.    But honestly, why would you think you'd get a response when you dumped him by text? The only suitable response for a dump text is to block the person who sent it.   

Either way, you're done with it now and can move on.  And this can only be good.

Edited February 13, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I texted him said i couldnt continue our "relationship".  he read it and didnt even bother replying so that clearly shows how much he cared about me doesnt it!  

That's ok. You already knew you wanted to leave this guy.

Now you can focus on improving other aspects of your life.

Why did you move to this location? Do you have children, family or friends there?