Fixated/stalkerish behaviour by me, I cant stop myself

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, the odds are good that that is what you are going to find. 

What were you hoping to find - a boyfriend? Companionship? No string attached sex? 

I imagine that on that site you are going to find a bunch of people looking for casual encounters or as is the case, a long term affair partner. That doesn’t seem to help you at all if you are feeling lonely and depressed, in a new city with very few social contacts. You would be better to join a meet up group, take a class, volunteer, or join a legitimate dating site. 

I get that this man is your own social contact right now, and that is really sad. I have been in that place, where you feel very isolated and very lonely. It’s a hard place to be but people will respond if you reach out - contact an old friend, or a cousin, or a new neighbour. You may have moved away but - we have video calling. If you have others at home who care - reach out to them and let them help you through this difficult time.

Unfortunately, your one social contact doesn’t care about you the way a family member or a true friend would. Are there people in your life who truly care for you - to whom you can reach out and ask for support?

thank you so much for replying. youre right, meeting for casual sex isnt doing me any good. isolation and loneliness is driving this.  I realise I need to get out and meet people, that will have to be my first goal.  and also contact a counsellor next week, its helped me being able to get my feelings out on here though

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

18 hours ago, BaileyB said:

With Covid, there are lots of supports for mental health. Have you thought about trying to find a counsellor?

yes i have been given a number by my doctor which i think is some kind of talking therapy.  i will contact them tomorrow.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

 i wouldnt want to get hooked on antidepressants

Antidepressants are not addictive. And no, US physicians do not "just hand out pills".

You need an evaluation of your physical and mental health, especially since you are in midlife and could have any number of health issues. An appropriate workup for metabolic, hormonal, cardiovascular health and STDs is essential.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Also contact social services to see if you quality for mental and physical healthcare through medicaid as well as help with food, housing, bills, career training and job placement.

What do you mean by "addictive personality"? Do you have drinking or substance abuse issues? Getting appropriate healthcare and health insurance can help you with that as well.

 

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Antidepressants are not addictive. And no, US physicians do not "just hand out pills".

You need an evaluation of your physical and mental health, especially since you are in midlife and could have any number of health issues. An appropriate workup for metabolic, hormonal, cardiovascular health and STDs is essential.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Also contact social services to see if you quality for mental and physical healthcare through medicaid as well as help with food, housing, bills, career training and job placement.

What do you mean by "addictive personality"? Do you have drinking or substance abuse issues? Getting appropriate healthcare and health insurance can help you with that as well.

 

I am in the UK.  Some antidepressants here can be addictive which is why they are reluctant to hand them out.  However i feel a short course of them might just enable me to see things clearer.  I used to be addicted to gambling and smoking.  I have also had stalkerish tendencies in the past, checking up on a guy online, so I know I am prone to some form of mental health issue.  Thats a big step for me to say that!  

[lana-banana]

Many antidepressants are incredibly addictive. I completely understand wanting to avoid them.

You need to see a counselor as soon as you can, but I would also suggest getting a workbook for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It is designed to help you understand unhealthy thought patterns and create new, productive ones. Don't be discouraged if it's very hard at first; when you're emotionally distressed it can feel impossible. Stick to it and work with a counselor if you can. If you can find a counselor who specializes in CBT, even better.

Best of luck! You can do this.

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

16 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Many antidepressants are incredibly addictive. I completely understand wanting to avoid them.

You need to see a counselor as soon as you can, but I would also suggest getting a workbook for cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It is designed to help you understand unhealthy thought patterns and create new, productive ones. Don't be discouraged if it's very hard at first; when you're emotionally distressed it can feel impossible. Stick to it and work with a counselor if you can. If you can find a counselor who specializes in CBT, even better.

Best of luck! You can do this.

Thank you.  the more people suggest it, the more i think a counsellor would be a good idea.  I know funds are limited in the our country and mental health isnt the priority it should be but i shall certainly be speaking to my doctor tomorrow to see if i can see one.  

 

[Mrin]

4 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Thats a big step for me to say that!  

It is indeed.

A friend of mine suffered from mental health issues. About ten years ago she made a yuge 180 degree change in her life for the better. Many years later I asked her what was it that made the difference. Was it therapy? Medications? Diet and lifestyle? She thought for a moment and then said, "none of those. It was the day I admitted to myself that my mental condition was an illness and should be treated as such. Once I did that, the changes came by leaps and bounds. My illness became tangible and treatable like most illnesses." I thought that was interesting.

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited February 6, 2022 by Mrin

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

 I used to be addicted to gambling and smoking. 

It's great you quit those things. Healthcare is important. Follow up on it. 

[Pumpernickel]

5 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

However i feel a short course of them might just enable me to see things clearer. 

Meds can help with that. And if you act obsessively in certain areas of your life (like compulsively checking up on exes, BFs, with online stalking etc.), certain meds can help to break this obsessive cycle, until you develop new habits & “unlearn” the obsessive behavior to a certain extent. Your brain needs to rewire. I don’t know anything about ADs being addictive, though, maybe certain ones are safer than others?

[smackie9]

If you need companionship, and comfort, get a dog. Walking your dog gets you going out, keep a routine, gives you exercise which is beneficial for mental health, and will lead to a social life by running into other dog owners. I used to walk my moms dog and I couldn't believe how many people that stopped and chatted with me and I got to know them quite well.

Edited February 6, 2022 by smackie9

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I cant tell my friends ive been sleeping with a married man from a swingers site. I have confided in one of them about other areas i am struggling with but they live 300 miles away, its not the same talking on the phone.  I  miss my friends and family.  I just feel so lost.

I'm sorry to hear that.

And no, it's not the same talking on the phone but it's important to keep in touch with those that are closest to you.

If you're feeling lost, think of it as a life signal that you're looking for something much better for yourself than a married, un-lusty swinger man.

 

Edited February 7, 2022 by Alpaca

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I cant tell my friends ive been sleeping with a married man from a swingers site. I have confided in one of them about other areas i am struggling with but they live 300 miles away, its not the same talking on the phone.  I  miss my friends and family.  I just feel so lost.

Friends aren’t really counsellors though. They are friends - they love you and want to see you happy. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, they can help you to feel connected and loved.

Your counsellor will have a very different purpose in your life. 

And, I think the idea of a dog is brilliant. Companionship, physical activity, meeting other people when walking/at the dog park - all good things! 

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

So i just wanted to give an update as to whats happened so far since I posted the topic.  I hope you all dont mind but Im finding it helpful just to be able to speak about it on here. Ive dumped the married man.  Yesterday I deleted my account from the swinging site.  Ive also told MM that he wasnt treating me right and that its over and not to contact me again.  He's read the message and not responded, this was yesterday morning and I havent heard from him.  Although Im gutted and very upset that i'll never see him again I am feel a sense of relief.  I wont lie, ive been very tempted on more than one occasion to rejoin the site but i know that no good can come of it.  So far i have resisted, i know its only been a day but baby steps right.

Today i have spoken to talking therapies and i have a 30 minute appt with them in two weeks, they will then decide what form of counselling i need then i will go on the waiting list for it (typically it can take months).  I went for a 20 minute walk to get some fresh air.  

I have also managed to get a referral for a food bank which I am hoping to get to tomorrow.  This will help immensely as being unemployed money is so tight, im sure this is contributing to my mental health issues.

All in all I feel its been an ok day.    Couldnt get to speak to doctor though, will have to try another day.

[glows]

31 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

So i just wanted to give an update as to whats happened so far since I posted the topic.  I hope you all dont mind but Im finding it helpful just to be able to speak about it on here. Ive dumped the married man.  Yesterday I deleted my account from the swinging site.  Ive also told MM that he wasnt treating me right and that its over and not to contact me again.  He's read the message and not responded, this was yesterday morning and I havent heard from him.  Although Im gutted and very upset that i'll never see him again I am feel a sense of relief.  I wont lie, ive been very tempted on more than one occasion to rejoin the site but i know that no good can come of it.  So far i have resisted, i know its only been a day but baby steps right.

Today i have spoken to talking therapies and i have a 30 minute appt with them in two weeks, they will then decide what form of counselling i need then i will go on the waiting list for it (typically it can take months).  I went for a 20 minute walk to get some fresh air.  

I have also managed to get a referral for a food bank which I am hoping to get to tomorrow.  This will help immensely as being unemployed money is so tight, im sure this is contributing to my mental health issues.

All in all I feel its been an ok day.    Couldnt get to speak to doctor though, will have to try another day.

That's wonderful. Stay off that site. It's easy pickings but easy isn't what you're after. Practice more self-love and take care of yourself like how you're doing now. 

Stay busy and productive. Look into volunteering and keep at the job applications.

[Pumpernickel]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And, I think the idea of a dog is brilliant. Companionship, physical activity, meeting other people when walking/at the dog park - all good things! 

True, but as OP has no job and no income, I would advise against it for now. A dog costs money (food), and quality pet care is expensive as well. Plus, if she's currently struggling with herself and her life, it could overwhelm her to take on another responsibility. Maybe volunteering at a shelter would be an option? Many shelters look for help, with dog walking, too.   

Edited February 7, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

That's wonderful. Stay off that site. It's easy pickings but easy isn't what you're after. Practice more self-love and take care of yourself like how you're doing now. 

Stay busy and productive. Look into volunteering and keep at the job applications.

Thank you for your support, it means alot to me.  I have a teams interview this week too, forgot to mention that.  I'm just trying to keep busy and my mind distracted

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

40 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

True, but as OP has no job and no income, I would advise against it for now. A dog costs money (food), and quality pet care is expensive as well. Plus, if she's currently struggling with herself and her life, it could overwhelm her to take on another responsibility. Maybe volunteering at a shelter would be an option? Many shelters look for help, with dog walking, too.   

Oh yes ideally id love a dog but just not practical. and like you say its expensive and a responsibility i just couldnt handle at the moment.  dog walking is a great suggestion though!  

[glows]

4 minutes ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Thank you for your support, it means alot to me.  I have a teams interview this week too, forgot to mention that.  I'm just trying to keep busy and my mind distracted

Wonderful!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Ive dumped the married man. 

Good for you! 

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Yesterday I deleted my account from the swinging site.

Again, good for you! 

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I wont lie, ive been very tempted on more than one occasion to rejoin the site but i know that no good can come of it. 

Why can you not register for a legitimate dating site. Or a meet up site. Or any other kind of volunteer/class/social group of your chowing? There are more options to meet people than “swingers site.” 

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Today i have spoken to talking therapies and i have a 30 minute appt with them in two weeks

Well done.

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I went for a 20 minute walk to get some fresh air.  

Exercise, especially outdoors, is the single best thing you can do for anxiety/depression. I hope you do the same today. 

1 hour ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

have also managed to get a referral for a food bank which I am hoping to get to tomorrow.  This will help immensely as being unemployed money is so tight, im sure this is contributing to my mental health issues.

Excellent! 

That is a lot to accomplish in the span of a few days! You should be really proud of yourself - it’s not easy to change your life, but you have taken some really big steps! 

What about the employment situation? Do you have a resume? Have you been searching? There are lots of people looking to hire right now - lots of opportunities out there - I wish you well with your job search!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

Today i have spoken to talking therapies and i have a 30 minute appt with them in two weeks, they will then decide what form of counselling i need then i will go on the waiting list for it (typically it can take months).  I went for a 20 minute walk to get some fresh air.  

I have also managed to get a referral for a food bank which I am hoping to get to tomorrow.  This will help immensely as being unemployed money is so tight, im sure this is contributing to my mental health issues.

If you were able to quit smoking and gambling, you'll be able to do this. You're right, just one foot in front of the other.

Excellent you are getting resources and referrals to places that can help. Government agencies and faith-based charities often have help for those who have fallen on hard times.

Do they have a welfare system you can look into? Besides the foodbank can you get food stamps/vouchers (or UK equivalent) or subsidized housing help or help with utilities? Keep researching ways to reach out to get back on your feet. 

See if there are local cash or barter things you could do such as walk dogs, housesit, dogsit, babysit, clean apartments and so on for transportation and some spending money. Check ads.

[vla1120]

On 2/5/2022 at 10:36 AM, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

I think i need one.  Ive been given a number for a local group called talking matters, which i am going to call on Monday.

I hope you were able to call someone today. 

On 2/6/2022 at 3:27 AM, LookingForLoveThisYear said:

To be honest i was hoping to find a boyfriend, or at least someone who cared about me.  I realise that site isnt the place to find it.  Ive deleted my account from there now and told him I no longer want to see him.  He hasnt read the message yet but I expect he'll agree.  Feel sick at the thought but i realise its not doing me any good whatsoever.

I just want a good nights sleep and to feel at peace and i havent felt like that in a long long time.  I realise now I was struggling last year mentally.

I am glad you got off that site and I hope you had a chance at some better sleep over the weekend. Things WILL get better.  I am not sure where you live, but perhaps there are job fairs in your area? See of there are some organizations/clubs/groups in your area for your field of work and see if you can do some networking. 

[Alpacalia]

Everything you've said is fantastic news, OP.

It's critical that you continue to do all of these wonderful things for yourself while staying in touch with friends and family.

When you start cutting off those who are most important to you, it's all too easy to fall back down the rabbit hole.

Think about maybe signing up for an art class or something similar at your local community center; it's a great way to get involved in your community while also being very uplifting.

You're doing great!!

Edited February 7, 2022 by Alpaca

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

12 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I hope you were able to call someone today. 

I am glad you got off that site and I hope you had a chance at some better sleep over the weekend. Things WILL get better.  I am not sure where you live, but perhaps there are job fairs in your area? See of there are some organizations/clubs/groups in your area for your field of work and see if you can do some networking. 

Thank you.  Havent had much more sleep, the tablets havent really worked but i will address it when I see my doctor.  Its really tough trying to break the obsessive looking at his profile, ive resisted so far but its constantly on my mind. i dont seem to be able to think about anything else but him!  Im so annoyed with myself that hes taking up this much head space, i know he's not giving me a second thought, thats the hardest bit.   There is a job fair in my local area and i have a ticket to go to it next week. I am trying to be productive with my time.

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Good for you! 

Again, good for you! 

Why can you not register for a legitimate dating site. Or a meet up site. Or any other kind of volunteer/class/social group of your chowing? There are more options to meet people than “swingers site.” 

Well done.

Exercise, especially outdoors, is the single best thing you can do for anxiety/depression. I hope you do the same today. 

Excellent! 

That is a lot to accomplish in the span of a few days! You should be really proud of yourself - it’s not easy to change your life, but you have taken some really big steps! 

What about the employment situation? Do you have a resume? Have you been searching? There are lots of people looking to hire right now - lots of opportunities out there - I wish you well with your job search!

Yes im actively searching for a job.  That i think is one of the biggest problems im facing.  Too much time on my hands, not enough money because im broke, therefore worrying about that etc.  If i could at least get work im sure mentally i would feel alot better

[LookingForLoveThisYear]

12 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Everything you've said is fantastic news, OP.

It's critical that you continue to do all of these wonderful things for yourself while staying in touch with friends and family.

When you start cutting off those who are most important to you, it's all too easy to fall back down the rabbit hole.

Think about maybe signing up for an art class or something similar at your local community center; it's a great way to get involved in your community while also being very uplifting.

You're doing great!!

thank you so much for your support.  like you say its very easy to fall back down the rabbit hole. im resisting rejoining the site just to check up on him. i have to keep telling myself that if i do rejoin, all that will happen is i'll see him online, then that will upset me and im back to square one!  its self torture isnt it but i recognise that now