Talked him into moving across the country to live with me. Now I changed my mind. How to break it to him

[Too old for love]

I talked my boyfriend to move across the country to live with me. Now I am having cold feet. Every time I break it off, he cries and begs me to change my mind. I feel sorry for him and take him back. He really is a great guy but much younger although he’s 60 and I’m 22 years older than him. I have lived alone for 40 years. I think I am making a huge mistake but he’s quit his job, gave 30 notice at his place, and told everyone he is moving here in two weeks.. 

now I don’t know what to do. I think I love him but not sure. We have had a phone relationship, with a few in person visits. He’s a great guy. I just don’t know if I can live with another person ever. We have been “dating” for almost a year. What should I do?

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you realize allowing someone to move into your place,who you barely know it a terrible idea. Talk to trusted friends and family, especially your attorney 

[salparadise]

Are you asking what is the right thing to do, or are you only concerned with avoiding the consequences of phukking up his life?

The right thing to do would be to stick with the plan. Merely having second thoughts does not entitle you to mess him up this way. Everything may be just fine, and given that he's already given up his job and living situation the least you can do is try.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Too old for love said:

 he’s 60 and I’m 22 years older than him.  he’s quit his job.

Be very wary of anyone who can drop everything to move in with you when they barely know you.  He may be a scammer. Why else would he make such a crazy move? 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Too old for love said:

Every time I break it off, he cries and begs me to change my mind.

It seems you do not love him, if this is happening enough to warrant a description like the bolded. 

You need to be honest with him before he actually arrives. I would absolutely not wait until gets there to drop this on him. Staying with someone because you feel sorry for them is not the basis for a healthy relationship. 

Do the right thing and let him go, and then keep it that way. 

[stillafool]

So you've basically ruined his life.  Poor guy.

[BaileyB]

On 2/6/2022 at 1:05 PM, Too old for love said:

He really is a great guy but much younger although he’s 60 and I’m 22 years older than him. I have lived alone for 40 years.

You are 82 years old? 

On 2/6/2022 at 1:05 PM, Too old for love said:

I talked my boyfriend to move across the country to live with me.

Does he have any family or friends that he is leaving? 

On 2/6/2022 at 1:05 PM, Too old for love said:

I just don’t know if I can live with another person ever.

If he insists that he wants to move, why can he not find his own living arrangements? You could be together, but live separately.

Whatever you decide, you need to tell him - today. It’s not fair to ask someone to quit their job and leave their friends/family and then decide - you don’t want to be in a relationship/live with him. If he chooses to move a way, he can find his own accommodations. 

[vla1120]

On 2/6/2022 at 2:05 PM, Too old for love said:

I talked my boyfriend to move across the country to live with me. Now I am having cold feet. Every time I break it off, he cries and begs me to change my mind. I feel sorry for him and take him back. He really is a great guy but much younger although he’s 60 and I’m 22 years older than him. I have lived alone for 40 years. I think I am making a huge mistake but he’s quit his job, gave 30 notice at his place, and told everyone he is moving here in two weeks.. 

now I don’t know what to do. I think I love him but not sure. We have had a phone relationship, with a few in person visits. He’s a great guy. I just don’t know if I can live with another person ever. We have been “dating” for almost a year. What should I do?

I don't think I have to lecture you on what a bad idea this was from the get-go. Ideally, he should get his job back and stay where he is at now. If I were him, that is what I would do. If he cannot do that, then I like BaileyB's suggestion. Can he get his own apartment near you (you can look and see if you can find something suitable for him near you), or perhaps a long-term AirBnB? That would give you your space, but allow the two of you to get to know each other a little better.

Also, are you certain he is who he says he is? Is there a possibility he thinks you're a wealthy older woman who's going to bankroll his lifestyle for him once he gets there? What does he bring to the table?

[poppyfields]

On 2/6/2022 at 11:05 AM, Too old for love said:

We have had a phone relationship, with a few in person visits. He’s a great guy. I just don’t know if I can live with another person ever. We have been “dating” for almost a year.

Bolded, that is certainly understandable; no doubt at 82 years of age, having lived alone for 40 years, you must be quite set in your ways!

Would you (and he) consider him moving to your city but not live with you?  Get his own place?   This seems like the most logical thing to do anyway.

That way you could determine if you're even right together; you could spend time at each other's homes and gradually ease into spending more time together rather than what's being proposed currently -- a phone relationship with a few in person visits and he move in with you wherein you'd be together 24/7, literally.

Anyone would feel pressure and freaking out under those circumstances.  I certainly would be and I have only lived alone around 6 years, NOT 40 years, not to mention you have only had a few in-person visits since you've been "dating."

You say he's a great guy and things between you are otherwise good.

So keep the plan to have him move to your city, but suggest he get his own place rather than immediately move in with you for the reasons cited above.

That's what I would do anyway, good luck!

 

 

Edited February 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, re your username, you are NOT too old for love.  Love is ageless, everyone is deserving of love no matter what age!  💛

[basil67]

So what's this guy going to do now?   How can he get a new place to live (either where he is now or in your city)  if he doesn't have a job?   And at the age of 60, he's well into the bracket where ageism kicks in and he may really struggle to find work.  If he's a highly qualified professional with great references, it may not be so bad....but if he's working a job and not a career, it won't be so easy.

Frankly, I believe you ethically owe him financial support until he untangles the mess you got him into.

Edited February 7, 2022 by basil67

[poppyfields]

On 2/6/2022 at 11:05 AM, Too old for love said:

but he’s quit his job, gave 30 notice at his place, and told everyone he is moving here in two weeks.. 

Oh shoot I missed this^!

This changes my opinion a bit but I still think the right thing to do is NOT have him move in with you, perhaps not even move to your city since you've broken up with him previously, he cries and you take him back because you feel sorry for him.  

This is not a relationship you should be having or worse living together.

I don't think it's all your doing though, he is a grown man, 60 years of age, he needs to take some responsibility too and I do NOT think you "owe" him anything let alone to financially support him.

I think it was extremely irresponsible of HIM to quit his job and give notice at his place, after having only a phone interaction and a few in-person visits with you.

My advice?  Take a deep breath and tell him the truth.  Again, he is a grown man he will figure it out...

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

On 2/6/2022 at 11:05 AM, Too old for love said:

I talked my boyfriend to move across the country to live with me. Now I am having cold feet. Every time I break it off, he cries and begs me to change my mind. I feel sorry for him and take him back. He really is a great guy but much younger although he’s 60 and I’m 22 years older than him. I have lived alone for 40 years. I think I am making a huge mistake but he’s quit his job, gave 30 notice at his place, and told everyone he is moving here in two weeks.. 

now I don’t know what to do. I think I love him but not sure. We have had a phone relationship, with a few in person visits. He’s a great guy. I just don’t know if I can live with another person ever. We have been “dating” for almost a year. What should I do?

It's a bit odd for someone to make such a move like this and then beg you to change your mind. He seems very desperate to leave his current situation. I'd think most people would be taken aback by your stance and rethought everything, possibly asking their boss for their old position back and speaking with the landlord that circumstances have changed.

Be very careful whom you move into your home. 

Edited February 7, 2022 by glows

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Also, are you certain he is who he says he is? Is there a possibility he thinks you're a wealthy older woman who's going to bankroll his lifestyle for him once he gets there? What does he bring to the table?

Seriously? Where is this coming from? Just because she's older? If the genders were reversed nobody would bat an eye... and other than you, nobody here has either. I just think it's wrong to start the character assassination routine when there is absolutely nothing that would suggest anything of the sort. OP doesn't need any help thinking up reasons leave him in the lurch.

Edited February 7, 2022 by salparadise

[BaileyB]

Is he retired now OP? Or, was he hoping to find work where you live?

[Too old for love]

So to answer all of the comments. We knew each other a long time ago. We even lived together as roommates. So he is not a stranger. We spent a month together at Xmas and it was great. This was his second visit. My daughter had him checked out legally and not even a parking ticket. He is self employed and talented in his craft. We did discuss this over the weekend and I am going ahead as planned after three days of talking this through. It may or may not work but I won’t know until I try. I know who he is and that he truly loves me. It’s a second chance at love. He has no family where he is. A few friends. Other than the distance thing we have never had a harsh word. He has said if it doesn’t work he will move out. I have pressured him to move here. We are great together and have fun and lots of things in common. The whole thing was me starting to panic as we get closer to his move in date. And while I am not rich, I have had lots of things done to maintain my looks. So thanks to all for the response. I appreciate the good advice. Hopefully we will make it work.

[vla1120]

19 hours ago, salparadise said:

Seriously? Where is this coming from? Just because she's older? If the genders were reversed nobody would bat an eye... and other than you, nobody here has either. I just think it's wrong to start the character assassination routine when there is absolutely nothing that would suggest anything of the sort. OP doesn't need any help thinking up reasons leave him in the lurch.

Wow. I guess you've never had someone try to scam you, @salparadise. I was just looking out for her best interest.

Edited February 8, 2022 by vla1120

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, Too old for love said:

So to answer all of the comments. We knew each other a long time ago. We even lived together as roommates. So he is not a stranger. We spent a month together at Xmas and it was great. This was his second visit. My daughter had him checked out legally and not even a parking ticket. He is self employed and talented in his craft. We did discuss this over the weekend and I am going ahead as planned after three days of talking this through. It may or may not work but I won’t know until I try. I know who he is and that he truly loves me. It’s a second chance at love. He has no family where he is. A few friends. Other than the distance thing we have never had a harsh word. He has said if it doesn’t work he will move out. I have pressured him to move here. We are great together and have fun and lots of things in common. The whole thing was me starting to panic as we get closer to his move in date. And while I am not rich, I have had lots of things done to maintain my looks. So thanks to all for the response. I appreciate the good advice. Hopefully we will make it work.

Given that information, and knowing he is not a stranger, I am glad you are going to go ahead with the arrangement. Best of luck!

[smackie9]

You have your family to back you up if anything happens, so you are good there. I totally get it, the adjustment will be a challenge having to share your space. Discuss personal space that will be needed, time alone, and boundaries. If you can be on the same page with that things should go smoothly. I hope it all goes well for you