How to Walk Away

[FireflySummer]

Hello, all. First time posting here.

I am a heterosexual male, early 30's, and I have been in a seriously toxic relationship for the better part of three and a half years. I have realized lately how toxic it's become and I know there is no way left to save it anymore. I have tried and succeeded to make many positive changes to address my role in the problems we have had (I am by no means innocent), but my partner has remained complacent and unwilling to change. She is basically the same woman she was when we first met and will never accept responsibility for anything and never shows remorse for her abusive behavior; it's always my fault, no matter how wrong she is. It continues to get more flagrant and vicious by the day. This is extremely emotionally taxing, as her behavior has played a huge part in our relationship deteriorating over time. I have nothing left to give and have never felt more depressed and alone. I do still love her dearly, despite the emotional rollercoaster we have been on together. It feels impossible to leave because I can't imagine my life without her, but I know, logically, it's what has to happen. I hate that I feel this way, but she has left me with no alternatives. 

I would like to hear your advice for walking away if you have ever been in a similar situation. What was it that finally drove you to end things? How did you work up the courage to do it when or if it just felt impossible? I certainly don't mean this in a sexist way and I would love advice from both genders, but if you are a male, I would be particularly interested in your story because I feel like it would align more closely to my situation, as experiences can sometimes be different (definitely not to say one is easier or harder than another -- breakups are never easy, especially when you love deeply love someone). 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Happy Lemming]

When a relationship becomes work, I get out.  Dating should be fun, relationships should be enjoyable, when they become toxic you leave (plain and simple).

Do you live with this person??  It so, is there a joint lease??

I've broke up with women, you just do it.  You tell them "This isn't working for me, we are over, I'm Done"...  Then I shower up, go out and try to find the next one.

Life is too short to be miserable or stay in a toxic relationship.  You've tried... she hasn't.

NEXT!!

 

[Woggle]

Don't put effort into somebody that treats you like crap. I did that for almost a year in my first marriage and it took me catching her in bed with another to finally end things. I twisted myself in knots trying to make this woman happy and in the end she just treated me like crap and blamed me for it. I divorced her and I am now happily married to a woman who is worth my all.

One piece of advice for everybody but for men especially is to learn the difference between somebody who genuinely wants to fix problems and somebody who wants more ammo to used against you for whatever resentment they have inside. If you are with the latter the only logical step is to cut that toxicity out of your life.

Just imagine what you can do with your life without trying to placate her toxic and erratic moods. Right now this is just wasted energy.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, ShadesOfAmber said:

I would like to hear your advice for walking away if you have ever been in a similar situation. What was it that finally drove you to end things? How did you work up the courage to do it when or if it just felt impossible? I certainly don't mean this in a sexist way and I would love advice from both genders, but if you are a male, I would be particularly interested in your story because I feel like it would align more closely to my situation, as experiences can sometimes be different (definitely not to say one is easier or harder than another -- breakups are never easy, especially when you love deeply love someone). 

I'm not a man, so please don't mind if I respond.

But it was when my ex-fiance kissed another woman that it hit me. There were other factors as well (which I will not discuss), but that was the final nail in the coffin.

It was difficult because I had my entire future planned out with someone with whom I had shared so much, so walking away was difficult, but I knew I couldn't enter into a marriage with the information I had. I understand that a kiss isn't the same as having sex with another person, but the circumstances were pretty suspect.

My heart was twisted up in knots too trying to make the relationship work so I'm not sure why he did what he did, and if there were things with me about which he was unhappy, I wish he would have told me or ended the relationship.

All of this means that, if you've started to believe that being in a bad relationship is preferable to being alone, you're setting yourself up for further heartbreak.

If you make a switch, do less, do more, maintain it, tweak it, no matter how strong and self-sufficient you are, you'll be fine, right? No.

It is up to you to decide the conditions under which you will allow someone close to you, but it is also up to them to decide whether or not they want to be close to you enough to respect those conditions.

Follow your instincts. If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. If it doesn't, walk away.

 

 

Edited February 7, 2022 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ShadesOfAmber said:

. I have tried and succeeded to make many positive changes to address my role in the problems we have had (I am by no means innocent), but my partner has remained complacent and unwilling to change. 

What, exactly, are all the conflicts about? What types of changes do you want her to make?

What changes have you made vis-a-vis her lack of changes?

Basically you're incompatible and overly attached. The only person you can change is you.

Once you stop trying to fix and change her, your life will be a lot easier. Work only on yourself and why you are so attached to this situation.

[stillafool]

One thing I've found is people do not change so don't ever hang on to a relationship with the hopes that the other person will change.  Waste of time and your life.