I wonder why they assume this or is it me?

[mortensorchid]

Recently, a guy friend told me that I must never underestimate a man in what they are and are not capable of.  I believe that to be true, but he told me something else - if a woman shows a man any kind of interest or is nice to him in any way, he will automatically assume that she is interested in him no matter what.

True?  I tend to believe that now.  Just recently I was texting a coworker (now at a former job) about a technology problem I had.  He texted me back saying that he was no longer working there and had taken a job overseas.  I responded oh I'm sorry I didn't know you weren't coming back.  I will get this straitened out soon enough.  And as a conversation piece at the end I said "what are you doing on NYE (New Years Eve)? I am in front of the TV."  He responded "with my kids and my lady friend".  I said "Sounds awesome chat soon".  We'll never speak again.

Why did he tell me that part of it?  Was I too obvious?  I never implied that I liked him (which I did not that way I was honestly trying to make conversation).  I guess he just assumed that.  

Or am I wrong?

[basil67]

I wouldn't read to much into it.  My standard NYE response to anyone is "hanging out with the hubby, kids and comforting the dog who's terrified of fireworks"

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

if a woman shows a man any kind of interest or is nice to him in any way, he will automatically assume that she is interested in him no matter what.

What? That’s an interesting one. I’m usually friendly in person, so if that’s true, I’ve probably been misunderstood by the male species. I’m never flirtatious, though. I wonder if your male friend thinks that being merely friendly is enough to be misinterpreted as being interested? That would be awkward, especially because I work with men a lot, most of them married, too. And I try to be sociable, helpful, and open. 

[Happy Lemming]

Similar to @basil67, my response would have been watching the ball drop with my girlfriend. 

What he said seemed like a standard response (being that he has kids and a girlfriend)??  That sounds like any response he would give a co-worker or casual friend.

[mortensorchid]

Someone told me a long time ago that I send signals to others of "I am interested".  I have since locked down my facial and body language to make others see me as mysterious, Daniel Craig pokerface, hard to read.  

I am very afraid of being that despite my calm, cool exterior.  I don't want to seem as if I am interested in that way when I am actually not.

[basil67]

I'm sure he didn't say that because he thought you liked him.  I gave you my speil above and I'd say that to anyone who asked.

I worry that you've pinned your whole presentation on one thing someone once said a long time ago.  I mean, you may have been doing nothing of the kind.   Or if they were correct, you may have been able to address the problem with only one or two changes.

The poker face persona you've taken on will not allow others to warm to you.  It will affect you negatively in your work life and social life because having a poker face only alienates others.  

Being unafraid to show pleasure or be warm and engaging is how to make friends and work connections

Edited February 7, 2022 by basil67
clarity

[NuevoYorko]

56 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

And as a conversation piece at the end I said "what are you doing on NYE (New Years Eve)? I am in front of the TV."  He responded "with my kids and my lady friend".  I said "Sounds awesome chat soon".  We'll never speak again.

Why did he tell me that part of it?  Was I too obvious? 

This is so full of obscure assumptions ... you asked this guy what he was doing on NYE and he answered your question.  

How that can "prove" that EVERY guy you are nice to believes you're interested in them, I'm not quite following.

Anyway, that statement is false.  I don't think that every woman who is nice, friendly, polite, whatever, is hitting on me.   I'm not alone in this. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

if a woman shows a man any kind of interest or is nice to him in any way, he will automatically assume that she is interested in him no matter what.

True?  I tend to believe that now.

Toss of the dice, really. . .

Or, wishful thinking, maybe?

Everyone tends to mistake normal friendliness with romantic interest from time to time.

I asked a male friend this question once. He explained that he isn't used to receiving affection or kind words/compliments, so when women did those things and was playful in their conversations, he thought she was flirting with him. Flirtation, by its very nature, is ambiguous. It has to be that way. You might like someone's energy but realize you won't get along once they open their mouth.

It's important to keep in mind that I'm only quoting one person, so don't take this as gospel.

"Most" men look for kindness and sociability in women.

When people want to flirt, what to do? Be angry and combative? Nope, it's by being friendly and polite.

[Weezy1973]

I do know somebody like this. Or at least he used to be. And he’s not an arrogant type either. But if a woman was friendly towards him, he assumed it was romantic interest. But I can assure you most me are not like this. 

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

1) - if a woman shows a man  any kind of interest or is nice to him in any way, he will automatically assume that she is interested in him no matter what.

True? 

2) as a conversation piece at the end I said "what are you doing on NYE (New Years Eve)? I am in front of the TV."  He responded "with my kids and my lady friend".  I said "Sounds awesome chat soon".  We'll never speak again.

Why did he tell me that part of it?  Was I too obvious?  I never implied that I liked him (which I did not that way I was honestly trying to make conversation).  I guess he just assumed that.  

Or am I wrong?

Mo.... the more I read from you... the more I feel bad because it just seems like you can't "Read the room".  You seem to make things Black or White, where life is anything but that.  But let go with the numbers.

1) NOT TRUE !   It depends on the situation, and if there has been any flirting leading up to this.  When I had a normal office job... there was a lot of flirting, and people being nice to each other.  And, while I think there was at least one girl who was interested in me (but I was married) the majority of the girls just wanted to be feel good by a little harmless flirting.  But, if it's a situation where it's 2 single people... yes... the guy may feel there is a chance when a girl is being  OVERLY nice.   AND... just because a girl is interested in a guy, doesn't mean the guy is interest in her... or is open to dating. 

2) This is the one where I think you have communication issues, and understanding what your words are actually saying.   OK... while you may see want you said as just conversation... the event, and the way it was said has the feel of opening up to a date. (especially if you have gone out in the past) "What are you doing on NYE?"  That sounds like the opening to ask someone out.   So, 2 things here..... he said "With my lady friend" to make it clear to you that he is seeing someone, and is not available. The other side is... his "lady friend" may have been listening... and as a guy... if your GF is listening, and you don't make it clear that you are dating... she will get upset. 

Anyway... I get the feeling you are upset because it's one more guy off the dating list. But you should be happy that he has someone, and he is/was your friend. 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

if a woman shows a man any kind of interest or is nice to him in any way, he will automatically assume that she is interested in him no matter what.

True? 

As others have said, no, not true.  A woman asking me for "tech support" as a favor is NOT something I'd interpret as a sign of romantic interest. The text answer you rec'd doesn't seem to be out of the ordinary either.

I think there are SOME guys who might read (misread) any communication as a signal of interest, but I think those are generally probably going to be lonely, socially dysfunctional types, definitely not "most" men. More a wishful thinking or mildly delusional/"grasping at straws" sort of thing.

Edited February 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[chillii]

lt was probably just the truth, l've said things like that about nye , means nothing.l'm often actually laughing at how not nye my nye is gonna be .

But your still insisting on using a mans and an actor no less mannerisms , l don't believe it. As far as too nice wrong idea , even guys have to be careful of that l use to all the time, especially with older women.  Through 30s l couldn't even meet eyes with older women let alone just be friendly they'd get the wrong idea.  Younger ones well , they were no where near as forward and you didn't mind anyway so you could be normal with them. But l wouldn't say guys get the wrong idea just bc your friendly on average, but some would . l discovered later on there's just a fine line, a way with women and found ways of just being myself but just not overly especially with older women, and stay away from eyes. Got it down pat these days.

Edited February 7, 2022 by chillii

[czanclus]

I agree with the perception, and what's worse, I don't think it would help (even if it'd be possible to get people on board for this) if prior to the interaction with, say a male coworker, it was verbally established that the nature of questions is just platonic. I truly believe that male/female (hetero) relationships can be platonic, and that further a lot is lost due to the stigma it carries and certain specimens of humans being incapable to differentiate between sexual and intellectual chemistry and ruining it for the rest of us. But yes, men at large will automatically assume that any basic interest in their superficially personal life is a sign of sexual attraction, when more times than not, it isn't that at all. Even worse if one has a more deeper interest in someone's intellectual part of personality - that apparently doesn't even compute outside of ulterior agenda to 'get involved with their genitals.' *rolleye* 

[Els]

You are reading waaay too much into his response.

Edited February 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[mortensorchid]

People have done nothing but tell me how stupid I am, how I am not welcome in groups, how I am not good enough to be with them, etc.  The best thing to do is say nothing, keep to myself, and don't try to be liked other than superficial interactions.  Even then it's dicey anymore, people are so critical and narcissistic anymore. 

[basil67]

Given that criticisms of you seem to come from all directions, I can't help but wonder if you're missing a lot of social cues or nuances of behaviour.   I'm not trying to put blame on you or anything, this may well be something which you haven't learned due to no fault of your own. 

Have you ever spent time with a therapist or psychologist to try and figure out what's going on?  

[chillii]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

People have done nothing but tell me how stupid I am, how I am not welcome in groups, how I am not good enough to be with them, etc.  The best thing to do is say nothing, keep to myself, and don't try to be liked other than superficial interactions.  Even then it's dicey anymore, people are so critical and narcissistic anymore. 

That's really sad.  l think it was you l suggested in another thread have you ever thought of moving. But if this is what people are like where you are too , on top of the other stuff, sounds like you really should. No one needs people like that in their world.