Head vs Heart

[Ldog92]

Hello everyone! 

 

I find myself back on here as I need some advice from some of the many wise people on here! 

 

So as some of you may remember in two previous posts my huge issue was getting over my ex and learning to try and move on. So for the past 5/6 weeks I was seeing a girl and it made me so so happy. She was perfect for me in literally every sense and we just clicked and got on brilliantly. We saw each other 2/3 times a week and we got in an “official” relationship so to speak just over 2 weeks ago. 

 

Things were going SO well, and in many ways I thought to myself this was all too good to be true, and so it proved. Last week the girl began to appear distant and didn’t speak as much and I could sense something was up. Then on Thursday I asked her and she just said it was all getting too much for her. It had gone from 0-100 really quick and she’s tried but feels like it was too much for her and she had to try and be this new girl to make things work as she wasn’t normally ever “lovey dovey” or “cute” but she said it’s too much to try and keep up, and she feels she’s being someone she’s not. But then to my surprise when I asked her what she wants to do in regards to us (thinking she’d end it) she said she did want to start again, and just go on dates and take things slowly which I was absolutely cool with.

 

However, I then didn’t hear back from her for two days. So I messaged her yesterday to try and see where her head was at and I told her I assumed she’s done now as I hadn’t heard anything. She replied and basically said she absolutely does really like me and has feelings for me, but she’s so scared of commitment and the whole boyfriend factor and it’s freaked her out. She told me that she wanted to call it a day because she just doesn’t want to risk hurting me again and shutting off like she did and to put it in her words “Leg it at any moment”. She then thanked me for being the most incredible person that has come into her life and we left it there.

 

My family have said that I should leave it there now. It’s been 5/6 weeks and it’s better to leave it now and move forward then try and drag it on. I do agree and I know many on here will say the same. I fully fully understand and appreciate it has only been 5/6 weeks so many on here will be like, “seriously dude that’s not long at all” which I totally get! But for the first time in forever I met a girl I thought was perfect for me, I was happy and everything just fell into place for us. 

 

The reason I want advice is because this morning there has been a huge part of me that says “fight for her, and don’t let her walk away without giving it your all.” But I do not want to appear desperate and I feel I did kind of fight for her in my replies last night. I told her I’d happily take things slowly and carry on if she wanted to, and I agreed things went really quickly etc. but she just replied simply saying “I’m sorry x” 

 

I just feel if I genuinely was the most incredible person to walk into her life, and she genuinely does have feelings there for me which I believe she does, would you just let that person walk out of your life? Whether you’re worried about commitment or not? I really don’t know as I don’t fully understand the whole commitment worries. 

 

It really is a head v heart moment. My head tells me just leave it, it’s a real painful one to take, but in the long run I could get hurt more and the girl has said to call it a day and she’s sorry, but she’s done as she doesn’t wanna hurt me again. But then my heart says, well if you feel for her the way you think you do, and she feels that way about you, tell her you want to fight for her and don’t want to just lose her so easily.

 

What are your opinions on this one please guys? Of course any views are welcome and appreciated as always. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Step back and reflect.

There's nothing to "fight for", particularly since she ended it due to feeling suffocated and too much too soon.

Try not to fast forward dating. Especially when you are on the rebound trying to get over an ex. 

Edited February 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

But for the first time in forever I met a girl I thought was perfect for me, I was happy and everything just fell into place for us. 

This is how you felt, yes. 

But it's evidently not how she feels any longer. It wasn't perfect for her and it wasn't falling into place the same way for her, or you wouldn't be here now. It's disappointing, but there's nothing to fight for here. She has already said (in so many words), "thanks..but no, thanks." Please don't keep pushing the matter, as it gets awkward to have to keep saying "no" to someone who is not accepting what they're hearing. 

3 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

if I genuinely was the most incredible person to walk into her life, and she genuinely does have feelings there for me which I believe she does, would you just let that person walk out of your life?

Well, the problem here is that she is trying to let you down gently. I am sure she is fond of you and cares about you, but I think she's exaggerating things a bit to soften the blow of ending this. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. It's really that simple. 

Next time, maybe slow things down and pace yourself a bit more. It sounds like this moved too fast and you both got caught up in the initial thrills without really pumping to brakes to assess true compatibility. 

[Ldog92]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Step back and reflect.

There's nothing to "fight for", particularly since she ended it due to feeling suffocated and too much too soon.

Try not to fast forward dating. Especially when you are on the rebound trying to get over an ex. 

Thank you for the reply Wiseman. I agree with what you say I guess me “fighting for her” if you will is just me clinging onto false hope, and I’ll certainly not rush into dating anytime soon. 

[Ldog92]

56 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is how you felt, yes. 

But it's evidently not how she feels any longer. It wasn't perfect for her and it wasn't falling into place the same way for her, or you wouldn't be here now. It's disappointing, but there's nothing to fight for here. She has already said (in so many words), "thanks..but no, thanks." Please don't keep pushing the matter, as it gets awkward to have to keep saying "no" to someone who is not accepting what they're hearing. 

Well, the problem here is that she is trying to let you down gently. I am sure she is fond of you and cares about you, but I think she's exaggerating things a bit to soften the blow of ending this. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. It's really that simple. 

Next time, maybe slow things down and pace yourself a bit more. It sounds like this moved too fast and you both got caught up in the initial thrills without really pumping to brakes to assess true compatibility. 

Thank you for the reply! Everything you’ve said I am in agreement with, as tough as it is. As much as I am going to miss her, I can’t chase her as it’s desperate and will fracture the good times we had, and it’s ended with no malice. 
 

I know what you mean about her letting me down gently, I fully agree with that sentiment too. This is why her comment about commitment I’m not convinced on, I think that’s a get out because if you truly had them kind of feelings for someone you’d want to make it work and you’d be with them. 
 

Like you ended on, it just feels we moved so fast in them 5/6 weeks and although it felt natural at the time, she obviously didn’t feel as strongly as I did unfortunately. 

[picaso3183]

Hi wow this sends sooo similar to my situation which I have posted on her. ( will update later ).

Anyway I too was heartbroken over an ex and met this wonderful women. We dated and I basically developed feelings and asked if she wanted to be an item pretty much same answer as you had. But i am talking days no contact unlike you.

But what I figured in this short space of time I too was rushing things searching for what I had in the last relationship. Why? Well I am scared of being hurt again and seeking security rather than let things occur naturally. 

I am not expecting any response from her when I messed her ( we agreed to speak in a week ). I know it is fully over, but I have learnt a good lesson and.will not come too heavy in future relationships. 

 

[glows]

14 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

for the first time in forever I met a girl I thought was perfect for me, I was happy and everything just fell into place for us. 

Yes, but she was quite explicit telling you that she faked it more or less. The person you got to know wasn't the real her due to personal issues she was going through at the time. I'd reconsider based on that information. What you feel is genuine and may be real to you but she was not. 

She also isn't ready to be with someone from the sounds of it. I'd be respectful of her wishes and let this go.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, but she was quite explicit telling you that she faked it more or less. The person you got to know wasn't the real her due to personal issues she was going through at the time. I'd reconsider based on that information. What you feel is genuine and may be real to you but she was not. 

I was just going to say this!  
You were way too intense and still are.  Pushy in a way that made her feel she had to pretend to be a certain way.

please take some time to reflect about how you acted with this girl.  You seem heavy on the rebound.

[Ldog92]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, but she was quite explicit telling you that she faked it more or less. The person you got to know wasn't the real her due to personal issues she was going through at the time. I'd reconsider based on that information. What you feel is genuine and may be real to you but she was not. 

She also isn't ready to be with someone from the sounds of it. I'd be respectful of her wishes and let this go.

I agree with you she more or less has said the girl I got to know for 5/6 weeks wasn’t the true her. She never has normally been like that with a guy before, and she admitted she’s not ready for a boyfriend in any way shape or form.

As you said I am going to be respectful of her wishes 100% and I won’t push the matter or contact her again. This is one I’ll just need to move on from. 

[Ldog92]

5 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I was just going to say this!  
You were way too intense and still are.  Pushy in a way that made her feel she had to pretend to be a certain way.

please take some time to reflect about how you acted with this girl.  You seem heavy on the rebound.

I know it may have come across like this, but this girl was matching my vibes 100%. That’s why I thought everything was going so well. I read into things a helluva lot and I can sense when something is off. But until last week this girl have me absolutely no impression things were going too fast or anything. She was saying all of the right things and like I say we just matched every step of the way until last week. 
 

My head is certainly overruling my heart on this girl and I will absolutely leave things, as I’m not a desperate person and have too much pride to chase anyone that’s not interested. It’s a painful one to take, but there’s a lesson to be learned in all of these situations. Thank you for your reply  

[Ldog92]

10 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Hi wow this sends sooo similar to my situation which I have posted on her. ( will update later ).

Anyway I too was heartbroken over an ex and met this wonderful women. We dated and I basically developed feelings and asked if she wanted to be an item pretty much same answer as you had. But i am talking days no contact unlike you.

But what I figured in this short space of time I too was rushing things searching for what I had in the last relationship. Why? Well I am scared of being hurt again and seeking security rather than let things occur naturally. 

I am not expecting any response from her when I messed her ( we agreed to speak in a week ). I know it is fully over, but I have learnt a good lesson and.will not come too heavy in future relationships. 

 

Thanks for the reply man! Yeah it just feels in a strange kind of way that I’ve been catfished by a different personality over the past 5/6 weeks as she said that it isn’t truly how she normally is.

She was the one that made us official in the relationship, so that’s what’s confusing as well. She didn’t need to but she went ahead and did. It’s just a lesson learnt. Although like I said I know 5/6 weeks is such a short space of time things just seemed to go incredibly well, but it just goes to show no matter how good things are 5/6 weeks is still way too soon to rush things or know someone’s true self. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, don’t forget that for all you know, all the reasons she’s giving you now might not even be entirely accurate. 

It could also be that an ex has resurfaced or she’s met someone else. And yes, I realize she said she’s not ready for a boyfriend but who knows how true that is. Sometimes people say these things because the truth might be more hurtful to hear. 

All you can take away from this is that she is not feeling the way you were, and it’s best to leave it behind you. 

Edited February 8, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Ldog92]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, don’t forget that for all you know, all the reasons she’s giving you now might not even be entirely accurate. 

It could also be that an ex has resurfaced or she’s met someone else. And yes, I realize she said she’s not ready for a boyfriend but who knows how true that is. Sometimes people say these things because the truth might be more hurtful to hear. 

All you can take away from this is that she is not feeling the way you were, and it’s best to leave it behind you. 

I did question this as it was such a sudden dip from her that I thought another person could possibly be involved. But she squashed that straight away in her reply, her words were “to set the record straight, there hasn’t been and isn’t anyone else.” I do believe her and tbh it would just torture me to believe otherwise, I just have to take her word for it.

But I agree with your ending, the most important fact is that she isn’t feeling the way I thought she was, and she wasn’t on the same level of feelings I was. It’s a shame, but these things happen in relationships so it’s time to move forward.