For all you guys, give me some good advice

[freckles3131]

Ages him: 30 me: 36

Been dating the ex. He got burnt(BAD) in his last relationship(3 months ago), lost out on a very good job prospect that could've changed his life, might have to move back home to his parents...in a definite depression overall. We have been in and out for the past 5 yrs. This time around we decided to not see anyone else, take it slow. He told me he isn't feeling the butterflys, right now.... But, he has love, cares for me and wants to "see" how it goes, by dating me (exclusively)

So we start dating, slowly. Once a week Things are going good. (outward shows of affection/initiating date nights) So he goes out with his friend tonight and gets drunk. Starts texting me, "You are better off without me, you can do better etc..." (I'm thinking due to his last girlfriend burning him, he is suffering from low self esteem)

I write "Things are going well, you aren't thinking about the big picture so soon and while drunk, are you?"

He says, "yes."

I call him, and say what the hell?

He says, "You COULD do better, I can't give you what you deserve,"

"I don't know what to say, "MY HEARTS JUST NOT IN IT. WHEN IS IT SUPPOSE TO MAGICALLY HAPPEN?"

I said, "we have only been acting romantic towards one another for 2 wks. you have alot on your plate, you have just barely opened yourself up to the experience...it takes time"

"Call me when you are sober to discuss"

He says, "Ok"(but sounds like, despite being drunk his decision has been made.

Do you think:

A) he really was hoping that he would "feel" more and he figures if it isn't "there" after 2 wks. that's enough time to "tell?

B) he is in a "funk" and can't open himself up to the experience?

C) He really has his answer and SHOULD know how he feels right now?

D) Is afraid if he doesn't feel more, he might hurt me and is getting out now?

E) I have been acting "casual" and "chill" to some extent and it is making him afraid of getting hurt again(I jokingly said, "I have Plan B ready to go...(another guy asked me out) My way of telling him my feelings are "in check" as I have been the one to feel more in the past...

F) He is enjoying a,b, and c about hanging out with me and was hoping it would "click" and it's not happening, TRULY feels I could do better and is letting me "go"

Last night he invited me over, cuddled up in bed to me, invited me out on Saturday for dinner and a movie.....and that was just this morning......

Now what???

Should I continue "seeing" if his feelings grow and give it another month??

Should I take what he said at face value, even though he is drunk and I think it's just him "panicking" over worrying if he will hurt me in the end....

Should I end it now?

HELP!!!

[slubberdegullion]

He's haddafew. Don't give any credence to his messages.

 

Remember, there are 4 stages of intoxication:

1. Giddiness;
   
2. Word slurring and other motor funtion impairment;
   
3. Introspection;
   
4. Depression.

What you described is classic stuff.

[curly]

Use 'em. Find 'em. Don't call him tomorrow. See if he calls you. He's made plans with you. He may not even remember what he's said, especially since it's still early and he'll probably keep on drinking. Everything will be a blur.

 

If he calls you tomorrow, maybe bring it up. But probably not. Men have a funny way about them. They can talk themselves out of a situation so fast. But I truly believe that that's because they are not in touch with their feelings. Hear me out.... So when a feeling comes over them, they want to deal with it right away. Make it happen and get on with the business of life. They don't analyze like women do. They just do. When they feel, they do.

 

Sad reality, if he feels that he can't offer you something genuine and good, he will leave you. He wants to be the good guy, and I believe he's probably a good guy if he doesn't want to waste your time. It may be that you see potential in him. But he doesn't see it. And if he can't see it, it doesn't exist (in his eyes).

 

Give him some time. Let him figure it out.

 

Also, don't discount the whole drunk thing that slubber brought up. Good possibility. Let it go and see what happens. Probably not a good idea to rehash his drunken dialing unless he brings it up. And if he does, let him talk. He may want to end things for his own reasons and it may have nothing to do with how fabulous you are.

 

Good luck.....

[freckles3131]

Well, after the last call and the "You could do better etc..."(you might be onto something with the "he doesn't see his potential" He has low self-esteem to begin with, and I USED to be needy, clingy, no life and NOW....fast forward 2 yrs without him....I am very fullfilled, independant, lost of hobbies, acting "casual"(NOT like I was...) AND with me "reminding him" that I have 2 potentials in the wings(felt I needed to so he knew I wasn't a total sap/desperate)

I text messaged him:

"Unneccessary drama. Why the need to come to a conclusion so soon? Stop analyzing...chill out...getting to heavy to soon."

It's late and I doubt I'll hear back(prob. passed out by now....he isn't a big drinker)

So here's the thing.....I'M suppose to CALL HIM tomorrow about our dinner etc..plans....(at 6pm)

Since I texted him..the chill out...(letting him know it ain't all that bad with the drunken calls etc...) there is a window.....

Should I STILL CALL HIM as planned??(I did also say we should talk when he is SOBER tomorrow...)

OR>>>>>> give him some space.....let him call me with whatever conclusion(the original drunken, "my hearts not into it, when will it magically happen"(at 2 weeks??? And with lots of baggage and 2 yrs apart?? That is going to take work....I would think and not magically go into "ga-ga" I'm SOOO in love phase after a few weeks.....yes? no?

Ok, call him as planned and say.....what??

OR.....wait for him to call(well, go out to dinner with friends/not sit home by the phone/but have my cell on me, kind of thing....)

[freckles3131]

By the way it was HIM saying "I don't know what to say. My hearts not in it"

Not me....

It looks the other way around, can't edit it now...but wanted to be clear(yes, said while drunk)

Isn't drinking a truth serum?? That is what worries me....

[freckles3131]

RE: "See if he calls you. He's made plans with you. He may not even remember what he's said, especially since it's still early and he'll probably keep on drinking. Everything will be a blur.

If he calls you tomorrow, maybe bring it up."

 

Nope, not going to call HIM....."F" that...regardless of possible excuse of alcohol....he owes me an apology....and/or if he meant what he said...he needs to tell me SOBER....and the respect of calling me either way......

Right? Right.

[freckles3131]

Update:

Last night he called ME....(I was suppose to call him about our plans/dinner)

He called and said, "You told me to call you at 6:00(not true...I said I would call HIM) I'm on my way home. Give me a call."

Then a text msg. "Call me please"

I didn't feel like talking.....kind of p.o.ed about the whole, "My heart isn't into it" and "when is it supposedly magically going to "happen"?(him having stronger feelings) and...........less than 10 hrs after sex and while drunk...

I was feeling...."His heart isn't into it...but he couldn't say that BEFORE we had sex.....but could only say it while drunk and only 10hrs. after the sex"

So, I'm thinking f-this....let him sweat it out.

I texted him back "Sorry, my "heart isn't into it" tonight.....try me again tomorrow"

He replies, "Please at least call me...."

So 4 hrs. go by......

I write, "I'm not mad, just perturbed "

He says, "understandable"

2 more hours go by and I text him, "Your "heart wasn't into it" but you couldn;'t tell me that BEFORE the oral sex, had to wait till 10hrs. later and tell me when you were drunk? If you have any explaination for this, call my cell phone...leave a msg. I'll listen to it tomorrow. I'm TRYING to give you the benefit of the doubt....."

That was at 11:30 pm...last nite...haven't heard anything back from him since...and I haven't written or called him either.

I do know he has a super busy day today, but....

I feel that since he was a dink, he owes me an apology....and should make the effort to call ME again....in the next day or two(or later tonight).....

Is this the right path to go on?? Wait it out.....?? Or just call him and SEE what he has to say for himself.......let him just TALK without any input from me......

The typical thing is for ME to do the work....ME to call....ME to analyze things, come up with ideas/solutions....so I think by me doing something "out of the ordinary" by NOT being the one to call....give him some time to THINK..................and figure some sh#t out.....YES??? NO????

[whereismylifegoing]

Drinking is defidentally not a truth serum.......it's more like a i hate life serum.........but i like to drink.

stick by his side for a while and see what happens.......that is all you can do for now............especially if you love him. if you don't love him leave him be and i guarentee he comes running for you. i am so sure of it.