Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 his is a long one but please bear with me. My boyfriend and I have been going out since august and official since November. He is not the most romantic person or shares his feelings but I can tell he does care, not all the time but he will do something randomly and it does show he cares. When we first started dating we discussed what we liked in a partner and disliked. One thing I told him was I disliked people who used drugs. Not that I have anything against those that do but I just wouldn't be able to date someone who did, he actually thought I was wrong for saying it at the time as I should force someone to change themselves. I found out while we were having a conversation with his friend that he does Cocaine when he's partying, now he might also do it when he's not partying I don't know.. I don't think I have ever seen him high. Not that I can recollect anyway. But I do know he did it in December with a friend as it nearly led to him cheating on me. He didn't but the cocaine did lead to it nearly happening. His friends are always asking us to go out and go dancing and so on and he never wants to do it. He says he would rather chill at home. Which sometimes makes me worry if he's embarrassed by me or he doesn't want to go out with them as he knows he might be tempted to drink and get high. I don't ask for much from him, I let him have his time when he needs it and I think overall its a good healthy relationship except for the drugs part. But I can't call it an issue yet as I have yet to see him high. I know if I did see him high or doing it I would end things on the spot it's not my cup of tea at all. So what I am asking today is, what signs should I be looking out for? I Googled them and of course, you get your standard ones but are there any additional ones, or tell tale signs someone is high? He also has a lads trip coming up with some of his friends who I really don't like. I know they get high and sadly I know he will probably too while in their company. So I don't know if I'm fighting a losing battle. Or should I wait and trust him. I'm really torn, he makes an effort, gets on great with my family and friends and tries to include me in his life too and I don't want to end things. Are cocaine users addicted to it? Can people use it occasionally or is there no such thing?
vla1120 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 9 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: When we first started dating we discussed what we liked in a partner and disliked. One thing I told him was I disliked people who used drugs. Not that I have anything against those that do but I just wouldn't be able to date someone who did, he actually thought I was wrong for saying it at the time as I should force someone to change themselves. He knew this and decided to deceive you, knowing that he likes to do cocaine occasionally. 6 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: Are cocaine users addicted to it? Can people use it occasionally or is there no such thing? Cocaine is certainly addictive. Like anything else (alcohol, other drugs), there are people who can use it occasionally and it does not necessarily adversely affect their lives, jobs, relationships, etc. However, you have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you, considering that you make your preferences known early in the relationship and he hid this from you. 1
glows Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) There are too many issues left, right and center. You both disagreed earlier because he didn't like something you said about drugs of all things, you can't trust him to be straight with you and the communication is spotty. On top of that you don't like his friends. Instead of communicating you're now looking online for signs of drug abuse or drug use in a partner. The tough part is that you're in the height of the honeymoon stage where ending things are a pity and you're loathe to do it because it feels like this hasn't yet run its course. If you choose to stay let him know that drug use is a dealbreaker and ask that you both communicate about it. If he feels it's something he wishes to explore, then cut each other loose. Edited February 7, 2022 by glows 1
Author Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Author Posted February 7, 2022 2 minutes ago, vla1120 said: He knew this and decided to deceive you, knowing that he likes to do cocaine occasionally. Cocaine is certainly addictive. Like anything else (alcohol, other drugs), there are people who can use it occasionally and it does not necessarily adversely affect their lives, jobs, relationships, etc. However, you have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you, considering that you make your preferences known early in the relationship and he hid this from you. I agree, I told him earlier on what I liked and disliked. He mentioned that he took some pills while at a festival. - I didn't judge him on it but I did explain that would cause issues in the relationship. The reason I didnt run for the hills when I heard he took some pills at a festival was because most people do. I don't, my friends don't but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was just a one time thing. I actually didnt know about the Cocaine till recently.
Author Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Author Posted February 7, 2022 5 minutes ago, glows said: There are too many issues left, right and center. You both disagreed earlier because he didn't like something you said about drugs of all things, you can't trust him to be straight with you and the communication is spotty. On top of that you don't like his friends. Instead of communicating you're now looking online for signs of drug abuse or drug use in a partner. The tough part is that you're in the height of the honeymoon stage where ending things are a pity and you're loathe to do it because it feels like this hasn't yet run its course. If you choose to stay let him know that drug use is a dealbreaker and ask that you both communicate about it. If he feels it's something he wishes to explore, then cut each other loose. It's not that I dont like his friends. Some of his friends hes very close with i get on so well with them. But there are a handful I know are trouble. I was always brought up with the saying "Show me your friends and I can tell a lot about you" and while most are nice there are a few bad apples in the mix. Yes I agree we are in the hooneymoon phases but he seems like he is trying, to really show me he cares and because. I actually haven't seen him high I am worried that it could be a mistake to end things now. I'm not going into this blindly I have my eyes open but I dont know what to look out for.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 32 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: But I do know he did it in December with a friend as it nearly led to him cheating on me. He didn't but the cocaine did lead to it nearly happening. How did you come to find this out? Personally, I would not pursue a relationship with him. He knew your stance on drugs, and chose to hide it from you. The deception would not sit well with me. And I just generally don't want that sort of thing in my life, in any capacity - and especially not in a partner. Look where it apparently led it him before...right into "almost" cheating. I would next him. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: My boyfriend and I have been going out since august and official since November. I found out while we were having a conversation with his friend that he does Cocaine when he's partying, now he might also do it when he's not partying I don't know. I do know he did it in December with a friend as it nearly led to him cheating on me. Cut your losses. It's only been a few months and already so many red flags and deal breakers. Don't google 'signs of cocaine use' or start turning this into a cat-and-mouse game. You're not a detective or rehab/detox center. It's not your responsibility to police him. You're incompatible and you've known this for a couple of months at least. Then there is the "almost cheating" episode (that you know of) Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and tell him you're incompatible. Then end it and delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media messaging apps and devices. You don't want to be around when he gets arrested. Edited February 7, 2022 by Wiseman2 3 1
glows Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 17 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: It's not that I dont like his friends. Some of his friends hes very close with i get on so well with them. But there are a handful I know are trouble. I was always brought up with the saying "Show me your friends and I can tell a lot about you" and while most are nice there are a few bad apples in the mix. Yes I agree we are in the hooneymoon phases but he seems like he is trying, to really show me he cares and because. I actually haven't seen him high I am worried that it could be a mistake to end things now. I'm not going into this blindly I have my eyes open but I dont know what to look out for. If you choose to stay in this, look out for consistencies, brain fog, unable to make appointments, do not move in with him as your finances may be tied and you are locked into a cohabitation situation. I strongly suggest you end if you cannot even count on your partner to be honest with you or upfront about his lifestyle. It suggests shame, cowardice, lack of integrity. Those are all character traits that can be translated to anywhere else in life. If you're further involved, he may lie about paying the bills or how he spends his money, cheat on you and not tell you, be loosey goosey in any other issues you both previously agreed on and you still wouldn't know. It's not necessarily the drugs however the drug issue is a carrier topic, so to speak. It's his lack of integrity that's a major character flaw. 1
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) In a very short time my ex of 5 years decided to not only do cocaine but sell it. I punted him to the curb. OP this should be a deal beaker. If he ever had some on him or in his car and got pulled over the both of you would go down for it. Edited February 7, 2022 by smackie9 3 1
Author Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Author Posted February 7, 2022 9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: How did you come to find this out? Personally, I would not pursue a relationship with him. He knew your stance on drugs, and chose to hide it from you. The deception would not sit well with me. And I just generally don't want that sort of thing in my life, in any capacity - and especially not in a partner. Look where it apparently led it him before...right into "almost" cheating. I would next him. This is where it gets annoying one of his friends was saying how she broke up with her bf because he wasn’t nice and she didn’t like that he drank a lot and done drugs to which he replied I drink and do cocaine so yeah there’s that. Im so anxious about breaking up with him I really don’t know why. I’ve never felt this bad about breaking up with someone. Literally I get a pit in my stomach thinking about it and it makes me feel sad and sick I really care about him and am afraid my standards are too high now because I don’t want to be with someone who gets high.
Author Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Author Posted February 7, 2022 9 minutes ago, glows said: If you choose to stay in this, look out for consistencies, brain fog, unable to make appointments, do not move in with him as your finances may be tied and you are locked into a cohabitation situation. I strongly suggest you end if you cannot even count on your partner to be honest with you or upfront about his lifestyle. It suggests shame, cowardice, lack of integrity. Those are all character traits that can be translated to anywhere else in life. If you're further involved, he may lie about paying the bills or how he spends his money, cheat on you and not tell you, be loosey goosey in any other issues you both previously agreed on and you still wouldn't know. It's not necessarily the drugs however the drug issue is a carrier topic, so to speak. It's his lack of integrity that's a major character flaw. He’s so organised, he never forgets a date even if I say there’s this event on in 2 months and I give him the date he remembers. He was honest that he did do drugs but I didn’t realise it was cocaine. I assumed he meant the pills he took at a festival. Should I say it to him and explain that what he said caused me to rethink as our values aren’t aligning and see what he says or just ask him outstright how often does he use it and go from there. If he told me he didn’t use it because he wants to be with me I’d be ok, or if he said I used it at the start of the relationship but don’t anymore I’d be ok. how do I ask? I’m meant to be going away with him and my friends this weekend so I don’t know what to do.
ShyViolet Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: One thing I told him was I disliked people who used drugs. Not that I have anything against those that do but I just wouldn't be able to date someone who did, Ok, you've stated that you wouldn't be able to date someone who does drugs. And now you know that he does drugs. He admitted to you that he took pills at a festival, and his friend told you that he does cocaine. So are you going to stick to your "not dating someone who does drugs" values, or not? Why do you now think that you have to SEE him high or doing drugs in order to validate breaking up with him? Not only that, but he "almost cheated" on you? So on top of the drug issue, you are with a guy who you have to worry about cheating on you. Why would you stay with a guy like this? Edited February 7, 2022 by ShyViolet 4
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 8 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: am afraid my standards are too high now because I don’t want to be with someone who gets high. Where did you get that idea? It sounds like drug-use has become so normalized with the people around you that you're having trouble remembering that there are plenty of people who don't do cocaine. It's not a given and not something you have to accept if you're uncomfortable with it. I'm 40 now, have never touched the stuff. Never had any desire, and didn't like (and still don't like) being around people who are high. And I never had a problem finding boyfriends who didn't either. You're allowed to set your boundaries wherever you're comfortable with them. 3
glows Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 17 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: He’s so organised, he never forgets a date even if I say there’s this event on in 2 months and I give him the date he remembers. He was honest that he did do drugs but I didn’t realise it was cocaine. I assumed he meant the pills he took at a festival. Should I say it to him and explain that what he said caused me to rethink as our values aren’t aligning and see what he says or just ask him outstright how often does he use it and go from there. If he told me he didn’t use it because he wants to be with me I’d be ok, or if he said I used it at the start of the relationship but don’t anymore I’d be ok. how do I ask? I’m meant to be going away with him and my friends this weekend so I don’t know what to do. You're depending on him to verbally reassure you. We already established he lacks integrity. Talking isn't going to help this issue as he can say anything that you want to hear. I agree with the others' comments that drug use might be normalized for you. I also think that you are so attached to this person that he could tell you he cheats and does drugs and you will still ask him if he cheats and does drugs. Take a step back and let things cool off. He's already shown you the person he is. You are your own worst enemy in this as you're volunteering to stay with a man who isn't trustworthy. 2
notbroken Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 Did he do it once last year or is he doing it every weekend? If it was in front of him right now, would he do it? If he is a regular user, my advice is to 'bail'. It won't end well. You are just incompatible with him if he uses drugs and you don't. Don't let him have ANY access to your finances regardless of what you do. 1
Author Itsahardenoughlife Posted February 7, 2022 Author Posted February 7, 2022 So I asked him and he said he did it in September and that he doesn’t do it often. I kinda do believe him. But when I see what you guys are saying i Then have doubts. I think taking a few days to myself might help.
ccas93 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 6 minutes ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: So I asked him and he said he did it in September and that he doesn’t do it often. I kinda do believe him. But when I see what you guys are saying i Then have doubts. I think taking a few days to myself might help. I had a friend who was a substance abuser and he'd lie about his usage of hard drugs and alcohol all the time. It was always yeah I'm drinking today because I haven't drank in 23 days!! when I remember him drinking the week before. I don't do hard drugs anymore! then I'd find out from a mutual acquaintance that he was doing coke the other night. 1
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) This is an easy one: leave. Leave before his occasional habit becomes an addiction and you are stuck trying to "make it work" with a drug addict. This is not to bash every drug user by any means, but by definition an addict is out of control of their own behavior and cocaine is notorious for this. Your BF may go from a relatively normal person to someone who'll do things you wouldn't have believed possible for them. Also you don't usually have to go too far up the cocaine tree to hit organized crime, and those people are capable of anything. So my advice is to end it now. Don't stay in touch either, as he might one day try to come back into your life only to "case your apartment" and then break in and steal things while you're at work (if you're lucky). This kind of thing happens all the time, unfortunately. Edited February 7, 2022 by mark clemson 3
Allupinnit Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) So you started dating in August, he knew drugs were a deal breaker for you, and he did coke (that you know of) in Sept and December? And now you're questioning whether or not to break up with him? No, a non-drug user is NOT setting your standards too high. And this guy nearly cheated on you (how did you find out about this?) - I feel like when you are being trickle-truthed the ACTUAL truth is much worse than you imagined. He's already shown himself to be untrustworthy. Hugely so. Edited February 7, 2022 by Allupinnit 1
BaileyB Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 Drugs are a hard no for me - an absolute dealbreaker. I would end the relationship and I wouldn’t look back -
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: So I asked him and he said he did it in September and that he doesn’t do it often. I kinda do believe him. Drug users lie, particularly about illegal drugs. You're not going to fix him and he's not going to be honest. What you know about the drugs and cheating and the people he hangs around is the tip of the iceberg. Maybe he's charming. Or hot. Or the sex is really good. Or you're rationalizing that "once in a while recreational drugs isn't that bad"? Either way if this is a deal breaker you'll be chronically "shocked" that he's using when he told you he isn't. 6
vla1120 Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Drug users lie, particularly about illegal drugs. You're not going to fix him and he's not going to be honest. This is true. My daughter dated a man who was very good at hiding his addiction. He was so good, in fact, that she was caught off guard when he called from the airport, saying he had to "go away to rehab" for two months. He still minimized what was happening (he wasn't an addict, he didn't need help, etc.), but his family threatened to disown him if he did not go. He got back from rehab about 6 weeks later. That night, he OD'd and passed away. She never even got a chance to see him again. My daughter was completely caught off guard and totally stunned. She had no idea he was doing drugs behind her back. I cannot express enough how painful it can be to stay involved with someone who does drugs. As sad as it is, my daughter's boyfriend's early demise probably saved her years (if not a lifetime) of pain and regret because she was hoping he was "the one." Edited February 7, 2022 by vla1120 1 1
ShyViolet Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 1 hour ago, Itsahardenoughlife said: So I asked him and he said he did it in September and that he doesn’t do it often. I kinda do believe him. But when I see what you guys are saying i Then have doubts. I think taking a few days to myself might help. Because a guy who does drugs would *never* lie, right? Not to mention a guy who "almost" cheated on you? 1
stillafool Posted February 7, 2022 Posted February 7, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: OP this should be a deal beaker. If he ever had some on him or in his car and got pulled over the both of you would go down for it. Yeah same thing if the cops find it at your home or his, whoever is there is going to jail. If you have kids cps will come in and take them. So you never asked him about what you heard about his taking cocaine? Cheating is not a side effect of cocaine. An unfaithful person is. Flags are flying high here. Edited February 7, 2022 by stillafool 3
Lotsgoingon Posted February 8, 2022 Posted February 8, 2022 Whatever you do, do NOT think you have unrealistic expectations. If your gut doesn't register an immediate "that's fine," to his cocaine use, hen that means you have discomfort with what he's doing. Go with that discomfort. Don't try to make up flimsy reasons to justify ignoring that gut discomfort. And to just to a different point: this is a huge red flag: His friends are always asking us to go out and go dancing and so on and he never wants to do it. He says he would rather chill at home. Which sometimes makes me worry if he's embarrassed by me or he doesn't want to go out with them as he knows he might be tempted to drink and get high. Both sentences are red flags. Your different social styles and your worry that he is embarrassed by you. If that thought even slightly crosses your mind, that means you are in the WRONG--VERY VERY WRONG--relationship. Period. No ifs, buts or ands.
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