Husband getting close to female coworker

[Miss confused 40]

Good morning everyone. Just looking for some advice please. My husband seems to be developing a close relationship with a female colleague. A bit of background, they were both managers in different parts of the country, she got promoted to a different position in Nov last. Up until recently he would never really mention her. They worked together on a project before Christmas, there was a case of mentionitis, which made my radar go up. There was a company conference in early December, my husband stayed overnight. He rang me the next morning to say he was going to pop into the head office just for an hour before making the long commute home. No word from him that morning and he ended up staying in head office until after lunch. Turns out he had lunch alone with her, but told me he was meeting a male colleague. I only know he lied because I had a feeling and checked his work phone, low and behold a message from her organising lunch together. Why the need to lie you may ask.

Well a little background. About 3 years ago, he began mentioning a colleague, she was the bees knees, great at her job, funny etc. Then he stopped mentioning her. So I snooped on both his work and personal phones. A few selfies from her on different occasions asking him to meet for drinks when she was staying in our area. Some flirty type messages from her, not reciprocated by my husband, but not shot down either. Then on one occasion they were away training, overnight gig, with dozens of other colleagues. Yet she messaged him asking did he fancy drinks. So they went for drinks and dinner alone. He was honest about it, couldn't see the issue. My problem was, to me it was obvious she was making advances, he said he genuinely didn't see it. He agreed moving forward to be more aware of things that could impact our marriage. 

So I pulled him on the lunch, just insisted I had a hunch he was lying to me. He said ah I met her, just a catch up and didn't tell you as I didn't want you worried because of what happened previously with other colleague. This is where I reminded him that honesty is all I ask for, otherwise its suspicious. Lying makes things look suspicious. I said I've zero issues with having female friends, it's the lying I've problems with. 

Anyway, he's completely stopped talking about her at all. Now, to be fair she is in a completely different department in the company now, so I'm assuming they wouldn't have much reason to be in contact much. HOWEVER I checked his work phone, and they speak almost every day, at least once a day. As I said, they are in different areas, so no reason for all the contact with each other. Am I looking too much into this, or has my husband found a companion and gotten very close with her??? He used to tell me all about the details of his work day, not so much anymore, it's as if he's already done that with someone else... her I'm guessing. 

Am I being crazy thinking somethings just not right here?? What should I do??? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is he?

Does he know you go through his phone? Do you believe he's having an affair or inappropriate communication?

How is your marriage overall? Does he lie about other things? Have you met anyone he works with?

[Starswillshine]

Ick, this sounds all too familiar. 

I couldn't say one way or another if something is going on; however, your husband has shown obvious disrespect for your boundaries. The whole, "I didn't tell you because i didn't want you to worry" thing is quite alarming and a huge red flag. 

My ex did all of these types of things. Not saying your husband is like my exhusband but with my ex, he was a serial cheater. I am sure he didn't score with all the women he was contact with, but only because the opportunity hadn't presented itself. Either way, he is disrespecting your boundaries and eroding away the trust and boundaries of your marriage. And that in itself is a huge problem. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Miss confused 40 said:

He used to tell me all about the details of his work day, not so much anymore, it's as if he's already done that with someone else... her I'm guessing. 

Even if it’s not physical it may be an emotional affair. You’ve sensed he’s distanced himself and you’re both no longer sharing your lives in the same way. How are other areas of your marriage? 

It’s extremely tempting to be pulled into the chaos of an affair or trying to investigate further. I strongly suggest you turn your energies back to your marriage and reevaluate whether the marriage is no longer bringing you happiness and peace. The focus is not her. It’s your marriage. If you’re going to have a conversation about things do not let it be about her, what she does or who she is. 

You may be in shock or upset towards her but your husband is the issue. I’d reflect on whether he’s 1) ever able to be honest and 2) whether you’re able to trust him. Those are requirements for the marriage to continue. 

 

[mark clemson]

It's entirely possible "something" is going on. Exactly what that something is, is perhaps a bit ambiguous.

My personal "rule" is that friendships are fine, but that a spouse should have the "right" to ask that a specific friendship that is felt to be threatening to the marriage (or otherwise problematic) be nixed.

You could consider asking your husband why he feels the need to speak with this woman every day (which IMO *is* a red flag if this is not work related).

You could consider telling your husband that you feel threatened by this "friendship" and ask that he end it. If it's just a friendship, he can always find another friend. He may or may not agree, but if he refuses to end it, you have every business asking exactly why he is choosing this friend over your wishes.

A spouse should always outrank a friend in life, and if they don't there are serious problems in the marriage IMO.

You might also take a look at the thread linked below which has some worthwhile general commentary on the issue of spouses and friendships that might well apply for you...

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[Xerad]

12 hours ago, Miss confused 40 said:

 

Am I being crazy thinking somethings just not right here?? What should I do??? 

No, you're quite normal. The first thing is to never under any circumstances, let your husband suspect you can check his work and cell phones. If you absolutely have to ask him something later on, just say "it has been made known to me" or "someone made you aware of" something.  The next is to make sure he starts talking to you about what's on his mind. Can you meet him for lunch during the week? Or maybe Happy Hour after work?

I'd keep an eye on his work hours. I hope he isn't suddenly going to the gym before work or suddenly working later. Make sure they don't ride to work together. It's way too easy to stop for something after work. I think you have a good bit of power insisting he stick to his regular schedule if that becomes a problem. You'd be surprised how they back down when they know they're up to no good.

Mostly he needs to engage with you and you need to make him aware work friends do not intrude on your home life. At all. Make sure she does not start texting or calling him first thing in the morning or last thing at night. It's a trick OW use to make sure she's on his mind as soon as he wakes up and thinks of her as he goes to bed. It's really one of the truest signs she intends to poach your husband.

Tell your husband, if the subject comes up, that there is no reason for him to see her whatsoever outside of work and does he agree? You'd be surprised how needy OWs get. They need a ride to work. They need a heavy box moved at home. They appeal to your husband's Knight in Shining Armor chip. They need a shoulder to cry on about their cruel, nasty husband/boyfriend. Is she married? What is her husband's name and what does your husband think of him?  

Instead of ignoring the elephant in the room, bring her up. Be secure of your value and ask him if he's heard from her lately. Ask who she is, where she lives, is she married, does she have kids, why she's so interested in him, how well he knows her.  If he says he hasn't even heard from her, it's time to go to a different level.

It may be all innocent, but if he's lying to you about her again, you need to make certain other plans. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I was once on the receiving end of frequent attention from a male colleague. 

I had no idea he was in a relationship, as we didn't work very closely together but had some contact when we worked on a project.  He started messaging me a lot, always seemed to want to keep the conversation going. Asking about random and inconsequential things. I went with it thinking he could be interested in me and he seemed like an alright guy. 

Eventually, he did confess an interest in me, when he asked me for a drink one day - and that's when I found out he also had a long-term girlfriend at home. He told me felt guilty asking me out because he was not single, and I was genuinely surprised to hear he was already spoken for. I turned him down, onbviously, and called him out on messaging me and whatnot. Usual BS excuses back, claiming things weren't great between them, he didn't feel she paid attention to him, he was confused about his feelings....blah blah blah. I cut contact. 

I am not saying this woman doesn't know about you. What I am saying is that this sort of frequent communication can indeed be a red flag, especially as he's already lied about being alone with her. I think your radar is working just fine here, and I would speak to him about what is going on. 

[Ha-ha]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was once on the receiving end of frequent attention from a male colleague. 

I had no idea he was in a relationship, as we didn't work very closely together but had some contact when we worked on a project.  He started messaging me a lot, always seemed to want to keep the conversation going. Asking about random and inconsequential things. I went with it thinking he could be interested in me and he seemed like an alright guy. 

Eventually, he did confess an interest in me, when he asked me for a drink one day - and that's when I found out he also had a long-term girlfriend at home. He told me felt guilty asking me out because he was not single, and I was genuinely surprised to hear he was already spoken for. I turned him down, onbviously, and called him out on messaging me and whatnot. Usual BS excuses back, claiming things weren't great between them, he didn't feel she paid attention to him, he was confused about his feelings....blah blah blah. I cut contact. 

I am not saying this woman doesn't know about you. What I am saying is that this sort of frequent communication can indeed be a red flag, especially as he's already lied about being alone with her. I think your radar is working just fine here, and I would speak to him about what is going on. 

Sorry OOT but this story should be pinned on the OM/OW board so we do not have to keep repeating that it is POSSIBLE to cut off advance early.  If one has integrity, that is. 

Apologies to OP but back to your topic, I am in total agreement that your instinct is probably telling you something. Some men do not have the sensitivity to these advances and that’s OK. That’s what spouse is for: to look out for each other. 
It’s not OK to bring this underground after being alerted to. Not because we’re controlling (not allowing friends from opposite sex) or possesive or whatever. But we want to guard the marriage. 

Edited February 9, 2022 by Ha-ha

[Harry Korsnes]

18 minutes ago, Ha-ha said:

Sorry OOT but this story should be pinned on the OM/OW board so we do not have to keep repeating that it is POSSIBLE to cut off advance early.  If one has integrity, that is. 

Apologies to OP but back to your topic, I am in total agreement that your instinct is probably telling you something. Some men do not have the sensitivity to these advances and that’s OK. That’s what spouse is for: to look out for each other. 
It’s not OK to bring this underground after being alerted to. Not because we’re controlling (not allowing friends from opposite sex) or possesive or whatever. But we want to guard the marriage. 

Some men??

[Miss confused 40]

Good morning all, thanks for the advice. So I brought her up in a roundabout way yesterday evening. Yesterday he had a big meeting in another city. Checked his phone when he got home, a 10 minute call from her when he was on his commute home. So I asked would the meeting (it was with a very head lady from his company) be acknowledged throughout the company in any way... He said oh yes that's part of her job (the friendly coworker)... Gave me scope to ask what her new position is etc. Turns out she is head of comms in the company now, which means yes they would have to have regular contact, I didn't completely know her new role until last night. Anyway, I asked do ye speak regularly, he said absolutely, a good few times a week. So I asked why he never mentions her if they are such good friends, to which he replied, no we aren't what you would call friends, to be honest it's all shop talk when we speak, I know about her husband and 2 children, and sometimes we'd have a gossip because we know a lot of the same people, but apart from that we don't chat about stuff outside work. I then said it makes me uneasy that he never talks about her, especially given the hushed lunch before. He apologised straight away and said yes I can understand where your coming from, and perhaps I don't mention her because I [messed] up not being straight up meeting her for lunch, and I still feel like a total fool for not just telling you the truth. 

I suppose for me what happened with a previous colleague shook me, and the fact that my husband didn't see it initially for what it was has made me cautious of his spidey senses going forward. I feel relieved to be honest after speaking with him last night, he was very open, honest and understanding. I think going forward, honesty from me also about things is important, instead of letting things fester, I need to be straight if I have any niggling feelings. 

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply, much appreciated! 

Edited February 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Miss confused 40 said:

 I think going forward, honesty from me also about things is important.

Does he know you rifle through his phone? A cat and mouse game is not a trusting marriage. 

If you feel there is something missing from your marriage and the honestly and trust isn't there from either of you, perhaps marriage therapy could help.

[Xerad]

I'm really happy for you. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing. I'm glad you have the work phone access. It's nothing to feel guilty about. Let's still keep that a secret, OK?

 

[Confused48]

On 2/9/2022 at 3:41 AM, Miss confused 40 said:

I suppose for me what happened with a previous colleague shook me, and the fact that my husband didn't see it initially for what it was has made me cautious of his spidey senses going forward. I feel relieved to be honest after speaking with him last night, he was very open, honest and understanding. I think going forward, honesty from me also about things is important, instead of letting things fester, I need to be straight if I have any niggling feelings. 

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply, much appreciated! 

What happened with the previous colleague threw out the window any need for you to feel bad about your current wariness. Now you are playing he role of, "The Marriage Police."  One thing you should ask yourself is, why are you willing to do this? Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? One where he continually disrespects you. Are your boundaries so weak that you are willing to put up with this? It is a of of stress and anxiety, never knowing what he is really up to.

This is an abusive relationship. Don't you deserve better? Don't you think you can find a better relationship with someone with values more compatible to your own? 

You do not owe him any "honesty." He will use that against you to take this underground further. He has already shown you that is his M.O. You tell him what you know and he then hides it better. You can't be open and honest with someone proven to use that against you. 

[S2B]

You want honesty - and he’s not giving you that.

you’re chasing his truth - he isn’t offering it.

you can’t trust him. You’ve told him what you need and he isn’t giving it to you.

there’s no honesty from him.

[merrmeade]

On 2/9/2022 at 2:41 AM, Miss confused 40 said:

On 2/8/2022 at 4:36 AM, Miss confused 40 said:

…About 3 years ago, he began mentioning a colleague, …

... My problem was, to me it was obvious she was making advances, he said he genuinely didn't see it. He agreed moving forward to be more aware of things that could impact our marriage. 

So I pulled him on the lunch, just insisted I had a hunch he was lying to me. He said ah I met her, just a catch up and didn't tell you as I didn't want you worried because of what happened previously with other colleague...,

…he's completely stopped talking about her at all. 

Good morning all, thanks for the advice. So I brought her up in a roundabout way yesterday evening.
….

I then said it makes me uneasy that he never talks about her, especially given the hushed lunch before. He apologised straight away and said yes I can understand where your coming from, and perhaps I don't mention her because I f#cked up not being straight up meeting her for lunch, and I still feel like a total fool for not just telling you the truth.

Am I understanding this correctly? Three years ago, you were suspicious and confronted him, saying Y was making you uneasy because of Z that had happened in the past. And now, you’re confronting him with X, explaining you’re uncomfortable because of Y that happened three years ago. So when some new development makes you nervous because of X, he’ll just have to deliver a new version of “omg, I’m such a dumbass,” and “it won’t happen again.” Until it does.

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Am I understanding this correctly? Three years ago, you were suspicious and confronted him, saying Y was making you uneasy because of Z that had happened in the past. And now, you’re confronting him with X, explaining you’re uncomfortable because of Y that happened three years ago. So when some new development makes you nervous because of X, he’ll just have to deliver a new version of “omg, I’m such a dumbass,” and “it won’t happen again.” Until it does.

I'm afraid that this is exactly what my ex husband did. He knew how to play me so well. The update made me uncomfortable, but I was trying to think not everyone is my ex husband. So... I didn't want to go too far down that rabbit hole. 

[BreakOnThrough]

OP, your marriage is in MORE trouble than you think, if you don't trust your husband and go behind his back checking his phone etc. you don't have a solid foundation to work from, without trust, there is essentially no relationship, you really need to get to MC to find better ways to communicate with your husband and not go behind his back like you are, that specific problem alone will destroy your marriage, trust me.

[elaine567]

She feels the need to snoop as his previous behavoiur made her suspicious  and lo and behold he is again skulking around behind her back with another woman.

He has now done a good job of putting her off the scent. She is so relieved. 

Well done that man...

 

[mark clemson]

Although it's a co-worker situation, you might take a look at this recent thread for some additional thoughts/insights on the topic of spouse "friends" (broadly construed) in general.