SERIAL CHEATING SPOUSE

[Jane1962]

Husband confessed 6 months ago that he has cheated on me yet again. Stupidly I forgave him 5 years ago. The first affair resulted in him producing a love child, he pays for but doesn’t see. (His choice). Since then the marriage has been a sham. Great to the outside world but behind close doors, separate bedrooms, no intimacy for over 4 years. We were ok (ish) for a year after I found out he cheated the first time, then we had a massive row and he used it as an excuse to sleep separate. We still did the holidays, going out etc but no intimacy. Now nearly 6 years later, he confesses to seeing someone and is leaving me to be with her. I asked him to leave, to which he replied its not that easy! I made it easy by packing up his stuff! This was 6 months ago and he is now living with his mistress at the weekend and the matrimonial home during the week. He comes back bold as brass on a Monday evening. At first we did not speak, he lived up in his bedroom. He literally walked in from work and goes straight upstairs. Pops down for his wine and coffee (moreso wine). He now actually sits in the lounge with me to watch TV as if all is normal! I have contacted a solicitor who wrote to him to see if he will admit to adultery on the divorce but no response. I asked him when is he going to respond, he says when he's ready! I have now issuing the divorce on unreasonable behavior. I have had the house valued but he refuses to acknowledge this. So I can't even put it on the market. The house is jointly owned. The thought of living in the same house as him for the foreseeable is making me ill. I want a divorce, financial settlement and house sale asap but he is just plodding on. I even told him I would make sure he would not be financially penalised for setting up home with someone else whilst still married to me, but he still refuses to do one! Surely if he's confessed then he wants to be with her and she wants him to be with her! Apart from moving out myself I really dont know what to do. How long do mistress wait for their married lovers to leave their wives?

I am his 4th wife and he has cheated repeatedly on all of his wives. His brothers and sisters are disgusted with him and have told me that he will never find ‘the one’.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Jane1962 said:

  I have now issuing the divorce on unreasonable behavior. 

Stop talking to him. Communicate with your attorney. Follow up on the appropriate court filings. Ask him to move out, although he doesn't have to. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Jane1962 said:

The thought of living in the same house as him for the foreseeable is making me ill. I want a divorce, financial settlement and house sale asap but he is just plodding on. I even told him I would make sure he would not be financially penalised for setting up home with someone else whilst still married to me, but he still refuses to do one! Surely if he's confessed then he wants to be with her and she wants him to be with her! Apart from moving out myself I really dont know what to do. How long do mistress wait for their married lovers to leave their wives?

I am his 4th wife and he has cheated repeatedly on all of his wives. His brothers and sisters are disgusted with him and have told me that he will never find ‘the one’.

It doesn’t matter anymore what he does or says or how he plods. You know he has gone outside of the marriage and cheated on you. You know there’s a child out of the cheating and he’s not present as a husband or that the marriage is a sham. 

What his family thinks of him or your family or family friends all do not matter anymore. It’s white noise. However I would suggest counselling for yourself during the divorce or after to learn how to manage any anger and betrayal. You have anger and that’s very understandable. 

Separately, focus on the divorce and discuss with your lawyer what you want in the divorce.

Don’t be sidetracked with revenge. The point is to sever the marriage contract with divorce and move on with your life. Make this about your new beginning, not about him or his choices. 

Edited February 8, 2022 by glows

[Jane1962]

Thanks for the replies. I have asked him to leave numerous times, but all I get is 'it's not that easy'.  Why it's not easy, I don't know. She has already left her husband for him and is renting a place. I am sure she would love him full time and not just weekends. 

I want to be able to move on with my life but whilst he is in the house non of my friends or family want to visit.

[Starswillshine]

I am frustrated for you! Divorce is such a frustrating process. People like to throw out, just keep it to the attorneys, let them figure it out, etc. etc. But that is ignoring the enormous costs of attorneys. Every phone call, email, etc is another charge against you. If both parties can agree to something without having to call one attorney in which that attorney has to call the other attorney and then that attorney calls the other party.... and that little detail can cost $500. But it seems that you are going to have to force the issue if you want this over and done with. He cannot hold you hostage forever. I am sorry, what a disgusting piece of human he is. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jane1962 said:

 have asked him to leave numerous times, but all I get is 'it's not that easy'.  I want to be able to move on with my life but whilst he is in the house non of my friends or family want to visit.

Talk to your attorney. You need the legal paperwork, such as legal separation. Empty threats mean nothing .

You seem to want him to stay with you and hope it's a phase.

Visit your family or ask them to visit when he is with his mistress. 

[S2B]

If he doesn’t answer the paperwork to the court you will get whatever you ask for.

ask for the house proceeds to go to you.

how long before you’re divorced? See if you can speed up that paperwork.

some men like being married but will never be faithful no matter who they marry. My ex was one of those types.

 

[mark clemson]

It's true legal fees are extremely steep. Since you've decided (quite understandably) to divorce, ideally you get to the negotiating table, which is where these things often end, as quickly as possible. However, that is very hard to do if the spouse won't go along with it. Under those circumstances there is sometimes little one can do but let the lawyers handle things.

Try to avoid having the lawyers suggest things that might create further animosity between the two of you, as that can sometimes lead to more essentially irrelevant letters and court motions done out of spite. The lawyers of course get paid for each one.

This is by no means a recommendation, but since you are divorcing due to an affair, you could check if your state allows "alienation of affection" lawsuits, under which an affair partner can be sued. Not sure if you have any interest in this (or if it would make any financial sense for you). It would be something to ask your lawyer about. My belief is that in the vast majority of cases these things are spite-fueled and either the wealthy "punishing" the less wealthy via the legal system or vain attempts to squeeze money out of someone who probably doesn't have it. However, I'm mentioning it because this whole situation is something you never asked for, and you MIGHT be one of the very few for whom it would make sense to pursue.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jane1962 said:

Thanks for the replies. I have asked him to leave numerous times, but all I get is 'it's not that easy'.  Why it's not easy, I don't know. She has already left her husband for him and is renting a place. I am sure she would love him full time and not just weekends. 

I want to be able to move on with my life but whilst he is in the house non of my friends or family want to visit.

Then he's not leaving. Don't waste your energy or time debating that with him. Discuss that with your lawyer and what your options are. 

[Jane1962]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to your attorney. You need the legal paperwork, such as legal separation. Empty threats mean nothing .

You seem to want him to stay with you and hope it's a phase.

Visit your family or ask them to visit when he is with his mistress. 

I can assure you that I do not want him to stay with me. I’m done with the cheat. Let someone else put up with him, as they say a leopard never changes it’s spots!

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Jane1962 said:

Thanks for the replies. I have asked him to leave numerous times, but all I get is 'it's not that easy'.  Why it's not easy, I don't know. She has already left her husband for him and is renting a place. I am sure she would love him full time and not just weekends. 

I want to be able to move on with my life but whilst he is in the house non of my friends or family want to visit.

He's probably being coached to remain in his house and not abandon it as it may have something to do with assets when in the divorce.  I've heard of others who were told what ever you do not leave the home until money is settled or the house is up for sale.  He doesn't want to lose his half of the house.  Smart.  Who knows OW could be instructing him as she's just been through a divorce.

Edited February 8, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Jane1962 said:

I can assure you that I do not want him to stay with me. I’m done with the cheat.

Make sure you get excellent legal advice and engage a good attorney to get started. You already know you wish to divorce, so now focus on the practicalities of divorcing.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Jane1962 said:

Apart from moving out myself I really dont know what to do.

This is probably your best solution if you can't stand being in the same house as him but you should check with your attorney first.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, Jane1962 said:

I am his 4th wife and he has cheated repeatedly on all of his wives.

Lesson learned, I hope.

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's probably being coached to remain in his house and not abandon it as it may have something to do with assets when in the divorce.  I've heard of others who were told what ever you do not leave the home until money is settled or the house is up for sale. 

Your lawyer will advise you. Why do you need to wait for him to respond to the request for information re: adultery. If that’s needed to proceed, do as your lawyer advises. But honestly, I would be pushing my lawyer to proceed ASAP. 

[Prudence V]

On 2/8/2022 at 10:43 PM, BaileyB said:

Why do you need to wait for him to respond to the request for information re: adultery.

Depends on where OP is. If in the U.K., she’d need to be able to evidence adultery if filing for divorce on those grounds, which is easiest if he admits (it will ask for some kind of detail, like where it happened). The earlier A is evidenced by the child, but can’t be used as she took him back. So she’d need to show that this fresh case was a step too far - and given this:

 

On 2/8/2022 at 11:26 AM, Jane1962 said:

Since then the marriage has been a sham. Great to the outside world but behind close doors

it will need some evidence to persuade the court that the marriage was over. 
 

Unreasonable behaviour has a lower threshold of evidence required, because it’s much more subjective, but given a M that looks “great to the outside world” the OP may struggle to build up a picture of where exactly she draws the line at what she’s prepared to live with. 
 

The U.K. system is incredibly primitive and strongly geared to “preserve the marriage at all costs”. Luckily most other countries are a lot more enlightened.