Starting a New Chapter. Open to any thoughts someone takes from this.

[rjp516]

This might be a long one because I want to explain the situation in full (as I see it) while also allowing some space where it's not just "she did this to me". I've done some inner work over the years which I think has helped me in this.

Dated someone for the last 2 years. About 6 months in, we decide to move in together. She's a city person, I prefer the suburbs. Well we fought over that but I finally relented and we did the city. The original agreement was that we do the city for a year and then do the suburbs. I drug my feet the whole way. We fight a lot over dumb stuff with me saying "take care of your own feelings" "I'm not responsible for your feelings" etc. Some real insensitive stuff on my part. I move out in December 2020 because we break up. Only a few days later I realize I made a mistake as I really didn't try. We decide to work it out and get back together.

We live apart from December until July 2021 when we decide to try again. Again, she wants the city and I like the suburbs. We go to couples counseling where I learned a lot and we come up with a compromise. We move to an area of the city with easy access to downtown (for her) but also easy access to parks, nature and "quiet" (for me). This time around I am an active participant in the home search. On my birthday (when I had plans with friends) I agreed to go check out the place because I didn't want to be that old person. We like it and move in there.

The place is absolutely awful. I mean mold, filth etc etc. I was shockingly okay with it after we cleaned (also change ya know?) but for her it was awful. She said she wants to move and I said she could move but I would be okay trying to find a roommate and living there still. She gave me an ultimatum that either I move with her or we are done. The therapist even suggested we should still work together on finding a compromise.

So we find a place about a half mile away. Except it's $800 more a month. It meant enough for her to get out of the current place so I went way above my comfort zone of spending and agreed to do it. We move in there this most recent September. Things are okay but then we start fighting. She likes physical closeness while I need time to process/me time. Old me, the one who said "this is your problem" started to change. I made a detailed game plan of figuring out what I could do to diffuse fights. I would not stay so dug into my view and try to empathize and validate her feelings, apologize etc. I even suggested she create a " weekly physical connection quota" so I would know how to provide that to her in a concrete way. She never took me up on that. The only problem is that any emotions I wanted to express were not tolerated. I asked her one time "what are you working on to also help diffuse and disagree in a healthy way" and she said "I don't know". Honestly, I think I knew then it wouldn't work but I kept trying.

Okay enough, fast forward to this weekend and she asks me to drive her downtown for a concert. Earlier in the day, I had beers watching soccer and was just tired. Every other time she asked for a ride I give it to her. New years I drove her down and then kept my ringer on so when she called me at 2 am to get her I did. She gets mad when I say no and then come downstairs 10 minutes later and says in so many words "So I've been working with my parents the past couple weeks and they are going to help me put a down payment on a house in the city at the end of the lease. You can either move with me and give me rent or just come visit."

Naturally I felt betrayed. She said something 10 minutes later about we can talk about it and stuff but that feeling of betrayal was too much. So I'd be giving her rent to own her own home and be able to kick me out at any time? So I said I didn't want to and I moved out the next day. As I was packing she said she doesn't want to be with me anymore and so on and so on.

I don't even know why I'm writing this lol. I guess I'm just mad at myself for ignoring a lot of red flags very early on in the relationship. Deep down I knew she'd never want to move out of the city but when I'd bring that up she'd say I was putting words in her mouth and stuff. And as an aside, the only reason I want to move to the suburbs is because I want my dogs to have a nice yard to be in. So it's not even "for me". Truth be told, I love the neighborhood we live in and would have spent many years here while the housing market became reasonable and if we found something with a yard and my commute wouldn't be too terrible then I probably would have considered anything (she works from home).

So I spent 2 years moving where she wanted to make her happy and in each situation finding the silver linings for myself because you know...I don't want impact bias to take over me. I realized I was a dick and was actively trying to solve these things "as a team" or at least do what I could do on my end for the past year. She has every right to change her mind on the living situation. It's just annoying she didn't respect that for me but because she wants to do it now it makes it alright. Part of me just feels betrayed and used. 10 minutes before I told her no to driving her downtown we were holding hands watching a tv show together talking about going on a mini vacation this weekend. She brought up the expense of an uber. Little did she know if she asked i would have paid for it and stuff. Thanks for reading.

[glows]

You both seem very mismatched and while it hurts to go through a break up now, it's better overall that you both didn't keep living in misery with one another.

Choosing to purchase a home without you seems like the final straw. You were not getting along or respecting each other to start and moved in too quickly at six months. Now you know early on what you prefer in a relationship or out of a partner. Compromise is extremely important in relationships but not to the point where you're seriously unhappy. That's no longer compromise but losing yourself. It may be where that part about feeling used comes from but it's in part to do with not enough boundaries on your part. We can learn from this. 

 

[rjp516]

46 minutes ago, glows said:

It may be where that part about feeling used comes from but it's in part to do with not enough boundaries on your part. We can learn from this. 

 

A little backstory. I went through a very bad break up 4-5 years ago now. I did extensive therapy, self work and EMDR therapy for childhood trauma. And the most important thing I got from it was boundaries. And I would date people and see them trying to bulldoze my boundaries, and I would cut it off quickly. But yes, there are certain boundaries where I could hear my inner child screaming "please don't concede on this one. it's important to me." And I did. I would just ignore that voice. So you are spot on with the boundaries. For some reason I had become convinced that voice was just me being overprotective of myself. 

[glows]

5 hours ago, rjp516 said:

A little backstory. I went through a very bad break up 4-5 years ago now. I did extensive therapy, self work and EMDR therapy for childhood trauma. And the most important thing I got from it was boundaries. And I would date people and see them trying to bulldoze my boundaries, and I would cut it off quickly. But yes, there are certain boundaries where I could hear my inner child screaming "please don't concede on this one. it's important to me." And I did. I would just ignore that voice. So you are spot on with the boundaries. For some reason I had become convinced that voice was just me being overprotective of myself. 

Once you know your own boundaries it's a little easier finding people you are compatible with in the long run regardless of the relationship. It's good of you to have done that work on yourself. I'd explore this more. Respect is a two way street especially when respecting each others' boundaries in a relationship.