Girlfriend wants space, which is fine to an extent. Am I overthinking this ?

[grokcahsevol]

Are my feelings justified with space in a relationship, or am I over reacting?

Gf and I have been living together for a year, pretty much together all the time.

She said she wanted space for about a week, which I understand; at least the space part.

She really didn’t communicate well enough to me why she needed a week.

We have been staying in touch and I backed off quite a bit, as she’s the one that requested the space. So she texts and FaceTime this morning.

I don’t believe there is anything sketchy going on.

However, this is where my issues come in. I understand if she wants space like 2-3 days a week to do her own thing, but a week is concerning for me.

She’s going to be living in her apartment with roommates about 1hr 30 mins away from where I live.

So, it sounds like she’ll be living there most of the time now. So, this space has become more of a permanent move. 

I personally can’t do a week or more of space. I can do maybe 3. At that point my needs won’t be met, and I’m afraid there will be a huge disconnect. Not just physically, but emotionally.

My love language is physical touch and quality time. Hers are pretty much the other 3.

This is where my issue comes in. We’ve already been 3 days apart and I already feel the disconnect happening and as much as I hate to think about it, I’ve mentally and emotionally been preparing for a breakup.

It’s truly not what I want. I love her and care about her so much, but if my needs aren’t being met and hers are, it almost seems like a one sided relationship.

I know how I get as this has always been my one issue in past relationships.

I’m just looking for advice/suggestions of their are any.

She’s late 20’s I’m early 30’s

 

this is her first healthy, longest relationship according to her, this is my second. 
 

our relationship is a year + but we have known each other for 7+

[basil67]

When you say "she didn't communicate well enough" why she wanted a break, did she try to explain or did she give you nothing?  

My immediate thought is that she feels the relationship isn't meeting her needs and has taken some space to clear her head and make a decision.  Or she just need a break from you.  Either way, it doesn't bode well.   

How would you describe your relationship?  Is it generally free of strong disagreements?  Has either of you had any complaints of late?    You also mentioned touch as being one of your love languages but it's not her love language.  So does your sex life tell a story of disharmony?

 

[FMW]

As has been noted on this forum many times, relationship problems are solved by working together on them, not being apart.  I understand needing space, but the space shouldn't require the complete absence of the other person for days and days at a time.  I think you should see this as her taking a slow and easy path out that will probably lead to a complete breakup.  

Communicate with her clearly (even though you indicate she didn't do you the favor of doing the same) and let her know this isn't an acceptable long term arrangement for you.  Don't be the only one to compromise on what you want from the relationship.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are right to anticipate a break-up, unfortunately. It sounds like she is gearing up to end it. 

I have yet to see many success stories that include "space" of this nature, OP. 

6 hours ago, grokcahsevol said:

I know how I get as this has always been my one issue in past relationships.

What do you mean by this? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, grokcahsevol said:

She’s going to be living in her apartment with roommates about 1hr 30 mins away from where I live.

 my needs aren’t being met and hers are, 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like she feels suffocated, especially the "my physical needs aren't met" part.

Step way back. Did she always have this Apt or did she move out? Why is she now 1.5 hrs away?  Is her work, family or life otherwise there.

Yes, sadly it seems like a breakup but trying to let you down easy. Moving out is breaking up. Was she just staying over a lot or did you actually live together?

[Beachead]

You're not overthinking this.  

People who see a future with their partner, won't take risks losing their relationship.  By asking for space, she has.   

Asking for space or a taking a break is usually a way for the person who initiated the scenario, to hold control of the relationship, while they figure out their next move.   She's fine with this arrangement because she's the one in control of it, leading it.  She is free to do what she wants to do because there are no rules or boundaries in this arrangement.  It's a raw deal for you though. You're left in the dark, having to follow her lead, and your heart is being held hostage, while you anxiously await an answer.   You'll burn yourself out from all the anxiety that she's causing.  Do you think that will translate well for your relationship with her?

 You decide what you want to OP, but don't stick around in this scenario for long.

Edited February 9, 2022 by Beachead

[robaday]

I've turned this around before. Only to then end up in the same situation as my insecurities just get worse. Once there is a serious threat to a relationship and no clear communication on how to resolve it I start to also try and disconnect a little and keep my distance. You can salvage it I think but at what cost? 

[glows]

14 hours ago, grokcahsevol said:

It’s truly not what I want….. it almost seems like a one sided relationship.

I know how I get as this has always been my one issue in past relationships.

Pardon, are you saying this is a recurring issue where your partners have sought “space” from you in all/most of your relationships? That it’s one-sided and possibly a recurring problem suggests you’re not dating people who complement you. 

If so I’d reflect on your picker. You may be dating women who are completely incompatible with you or don’t share similar lifestyle or goals, interests or hopes for the future. 

And second, your relationship is one year and you’ve been living together for one year. Whose idea was it to live together? It basically means she moved in at exactly the time you decided to be in a relationship. This doesn’t make sense. Slow things down. You’ll have more time to see whether someone is right for you. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you may be incompatible. Furthermore, if you are living together now and she is moving out, that feels like the relationship is deteriorating rather than continuing to advance and/or you are starting to grow apart. The "needing space" thing is consistent with that, unfortunately.

However, there are those in the world who are fine with being a couple and not living together (and those who are not). Also those who are fine with a 90 min drive and those who are not.

Neither is "right", it's just a difference. However, since you won't be comfortable in a relationship at this distance, you could strongly consider whether this move should be what ends it, so you can look for a partner who you feel more secure with and/or who better meets your needs.

I think there is at least a reasonable chance that if you try to continue this/"make it work" you find out in several months that she's ready to fully end it and move on. Might/might not happen, bit it certainly wouldn't shock me.