Feelings after divorce

[Truth21]

 

I was married for 15 years and my wife at the time cheated near the end of our marriage which eventually caused our divorce.   I was willing to work on it and did not want a divorce.    

 

She moved out about 8 years ago.  We eventually got divorced 4 years later.  During the time we were separated I filed for divorce once but she asked me to cancel the petition for divorce and she wanted to work on things.  Well she “tried” for about a month.  During time we were separated she was still talking to one of the two guys she cheated with.  Well that eventually ended and the dude stay married to his wife.  Well they are getting divorced now and supposedly he is coming to town to see her.   The only reason I know is because his almost ex-wife told me.  

 

Well after her “fling” feel apart she has been by her self for years and years.  To be honest I was glad to know she was alone since she played me for years and years.  I had a very hard time.  Worst time of my life.  I loved her parents and family and I missed them during that time.  

 

I understand that’s selfish by wanting her not to be happy but that’s just how I feel.  Now finding out that guy is coming to see her makes me feel upset or disappointed or whatever.  I can’t describe it.  

 

Meanwhile I am in a great relationship for the last few years and we will eventually get married.  I am very happy.  

 

I understand I have my new life which is great but I still have a small part in my heart for my narcissistic ex.   

 

Has anyone else felt this way or been in a similar position?

 

 

[S2B]

No, not anymore. But I did a year of counseling - every week - with a very skilled trauma expert.

that’s how I came to realize what his abuse had done to twist my mindset.

now - all these years later I can’t stand it when I actually have to see him - he’s a selfish and self centered jerk. He will always do what’s only best for himself.

do the work to see her for who she really is - not the person you thought she was. 

[glows]

9 hours ago, Truth21 said:

 

I was married for 15 years and my wife at the time cheated near the end of our marriage which eventually caused our divorce.   I was willing to work on it and did not want a divorce.    

 

She moved out about 8 years ago.  We eventually got divorced 4 years later.  During the time we were separated I filed for divorce once but she asked me to cancel the petition for divorce and she wanted to work on things.  Well she “tried” for about a month.  During time we were separated she was still talking to one of the two guys she cheated with.  Well that eventually ended and the dude stay married to his wife.  Well they are getting divorced now and supposedly he is coming to town to see her.   The only reason I know is because his almost ex-wife told me.  

 

Well after her “fling” feel apart she has been by her self for years and years.  To be honest I was glad to know she was alone since she played me for years and years.  I had a very hard time.  Worst time of my life.  I loved her parents and family and I missed them during that time.  

 

I understand that’s selfish by wanting her not to be happy but that’s just how I feel.  Now finding out that guy is coming to see her makes me feel upset or disappointed or whatever.  I can’t describe it.  

 

Meanwhile I am in a great relationship for the last few years and we will eventually get married.  I am very happy.  

 

I understand I have my new life which is great but I still have a small part in my heart for my narcissistic ex.   

 

Has anyone else felt this way or been in a similar position?

 

 

You might want to inform your friends that you do not wish to hear about your ex’s ongoings. Your friendship is lacking in boundaries. Or, don’t communicate with that person anymore. 

What you’re feeling isn’t unusual. I’m sure everyone has felt this at some level. It’s nearly universal. It’s some history you’ve had with someone and residual resentment and hurt you feel. I’d acknowledge that and not fight against it or question it or pick at it. 

Try to be more flexible in how you understand your own thoughts and what you feel and acknowledge the emotions, then let them go. Say goodbye to that chapter and celebrate your new life now with your partner. The way you move on is by living well. 

Edited February 9, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

A small part in your heart that doesn't want your wife to be happy, you mean?  It is not your business what is going on with your ex wife and after 4 years and a new gf you're planning to marry, you should be well over her by now or don't marry that new lady.  Stop keeping tabs on your ex. 

[vla1120]

13 hours ago, Truth21 said:

Well after her “fling” feel apart she has been by her self for years and years.  To be honest I was glad to know she was alone since she played me for years and years.  I had a very hard time.  Worst time of my life.  I loved her parents and family and I missed them during that time.  

I understand that’s selfish by wanting her not to be happy but that’s just how I feel.  Now finding out that guy is coming to see her makes me feel upset or disappointed or whatever.  I can’t describe it.  

Did you ever seek counseling after your separation and divorce? That would have helped you navigate the situation so that you do not harbor resentment after all these years. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. You should be feeling indifferent to any information concerning your ex-wife's life, now. 

13 hours ago, Truth21 said:

Meanwhile I am in a great relationship for the last few years and we will eventually get married.  I am very happy.  

I understand I have my new life which is great but I still have a small part in my heart for my narcissistic ex.   

Has anyone else felt this way or been in a similar position?

You need to concentrate on this and not worry about what is going on in your ex's life. I do understand what you are feeling because after I divorced my husband, I remarried and became a widow in 2020. I hadn't really taken the time to address the end of my 32-yr marriage, my first husband's philandering and the long-term toll it took on me. Once I was single again, those things I hadn't dealt with came back to the surface and I needed to talk to someone. 

I just needed a quick reminder about why I divorced him to put things in perspective for me. You are lucky you've met someone new and you are happy. Be sure not to put a black cloud over your new relationship and your new happiness by giving your ex wife ANY of your precious head space. She's not worth it - but your new girlfriend is. Concentrate on the GOOD things that are happening in your life, now.

[S2B]

You shouldn’t marry the new gal if you’re still pining over your ex wife. It’s not fair to her.

[Truth21]

On 2/9/2022 at 1:11 AM, S2B said:

No, not anymore. But I did a year of counseling - every week - with a very skilled trauma expert.

that’s how I came to realize what his abuse had done to twist my mindset.

now - all these years later I can’t stand it when I actually have to see him - he’s a selfish and self centered jerk. He will always do what’s only best for himself.

do the work to see her for who she really is - not the person you thought she was. 

Thaank you - Good Advice

[Truth21]

On 2/9/2022 at 9:47 AM, glows said:

You might want to inform your friends that you do not wish to hear about your ex’s ongoings. Your friendship is lacking in boundaries. Or, don’t communicate with that person anymore. 

What you’re feeling isn’t unusual. I’m sure everyone has felt this at some level. It’s nearly universal. It’s some history you’ve had with someone and residual resentment and hurt you feel. I’d acknowledge that and not fight against it or question it or pick at it. 

Try to be more flexible in how you understand your own thoughts and what you feel and acknowledge the emotions, then let them go. Say goodbye to that chapter and celebrate your new life now with your partner. The way you move on is by living well. 

thank you - i appreciate your help

[Truth21]

On 2/9/2022 at 10:48 AM, stillafool said:

A small part in your heart that doesn't want your wife to be happy, you mean?  It is not your business what is going on with your ex wife and after 4 years and a new gf you're planning to marry, you should be well over her by now or don't marry that new lady.  Stop keeping tabs on your ex. 

Yes a small part.  I understand your what you are saying.  I was told by the ex wife of the guy she cheated with.  I wasn't keeping tabs on her, but i understand your advice.

[Truth21]

On 2/9/2022 at 2:30 PM, vla1120 said:

Did you ever seek counseling after your separation and divorce? That would have helped you navigate the situation so that you do not harbor resentment after all these years. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. You should be feeling indifferent to any information concerning your ex-wife's life, now. 

You need to concentrate on this and not worry about what is going on in your ex's life. I do understand what you are feeling because after I divorced my husband, I remarried and became a widow in 2020. I hadn't really taken the time to address the end of my 32-yr marriage, my first husband's philandering and the long-term toll it took on me. Once I was single again, those things I hadn't dealt with came back to the surface and I needed to talk to someone. 

I just needed a quick reminder about why I divorced him to put things in perspective for me. You are lucky you've met someone new and you are happy. Be sure not to put a black cloud over your new relationship and your new happiness by giving your ex wife ANY of your precious head space. She's not worth it - but your new girlfriend is. Concentrate on the GOOD things that are happening in your life, now.

Yes, I was in counseling and still am off and on for anxiety and panic attacks that I had before I met my ex wife.  She was very supportive of the anxiety and always was there to help up until the last year or so which is when she started her affair.

Thank you for understanding.  I was doing fine about not giving her any head space, but when I was told her by his ex is when these feelings came back.  I am done a good job about not putting a cloud over my new relationship.  Well it is not new anymore.  Ha.  Yes, at first it was hard, but I had a great support system.  

I just wanted closure and my ex never gave it to me.  She kept dragging it on.  She was confused and probably is still confused.  Her lack of communication skills will eventually come out again.  Obvisoulsy something is wrong with her, since he hasnt had one relationship besides her affair over the last 8 years. 

[Truth21]

17 hours ago, S2B said:

You shouldn’t marry the new gal if you’re still pining over your ex wife. It’s not fair to her.

Yes, i understand completely what you are saying.  But the feelings went away and just came back once i heard the news.  But to be honest i hadnt thought about it today, until i saw i comments on my post.  

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Truth21 said:

I was told by the ex wife of the guy she cheated with.

You have to tell people you no longer want to hear about her because your life is happy and on the right track.  Perhaps the guy's wife hasn't found someone else yet and is still sore. Your ex couldn't give you closure as it can only come from you.  Whatever questions she would answer will only create more that will need answering.  The bottom line is she deceived you and broke your trust.  I hope your new love helps with your anxiety as well.

[glows]

23 minutes ago, Truth21 said:

Obvisoulsy something is wrong with her, since he hasnt had one relationship besides her affair over the last 8 years. 

Don’t fixate on this though. Let her go. There’s a natural tendency to try to look for reasons why the relationship didn’t work out especially if you didn’t want it to end. Don’t get caught up in what she is or what she thinks. It just doesn’t matter anymore. 

Also, be clear that you do not wish to hear about her from mutual contacts/friends. 

All of this will fade. I wouldn’t pursue marriage with someone else until you’re able to develop better boundaries and stop letting your ex’s ongoings affect you. That takes time so don’t rush things. 

[Truth21]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You have to tell people you no longer want to hear about her because your life is happy and on the right track.  Perhaps the guy's wife hasn't found someone else yet and is still sore. Your ex couldn't give you closure as it can only come from you.  Whatever questions she would answer will only create more that will need answering.  The bottom line is she deceived you and broke your trust.  I hope your new love helps with your anxiety as well.

I understand. Good advice.  Yeah, they guy's wife is actually in a good relationship.  I haven't heard that before about closure can only come from me.  Interesting.   But I do understand how it would create more answering and who knows if she would be telling me the truth.  We litterly lived under the same roof for months before i knew she applied to become a flight attendant.  Yes and we did talk.  She just never opened up.  Will never will.  

Yes, my new love is caring and is great mother to her two kids.  I always wanted kids and my ex always said she wanted them also, but that wasn't true.  Instead she wanted her freedome to mess around with other married guys.  

[Truth21]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t fixate on this though. Let her go. There’s a natural tendency to try to look for reasons why the relationship didn’t work out especially if you didn’t want it to end. Don’t get caught up in what she is or what she thinks. It just doesn’t matter anymore. 

Also, be clear that you do not wish to hear about her from mutual contacts/friends. 

All of this will fade. I wouldn’t pursue marriage with someone else until you’re able to develop better boundaries and stop letting your ex’s ongoings affect you. That takes time so don’t rush things. 

Thank you.  It had faded, until I heard from his ex wife about what they were up to.  We dont have any mutual from friends from our marriage life.  Well just one, but they dont talk.  

[Starswillshine]

I think it is pretty normal. Both of these people hurt you, and it is hard to see them actually be happy together. 

While I no longer care at all what my ex husband is up to (he has been in numerous relationships since our divorce and has a live in now), I do wonder what sort of anger I would feel if all of a sudden, he and his OW would be a couple. I like to think I would feel it is just karma knocking at their doors (they deserve each other), but... I don't know if I would brush it off as easily. 

[glows]

On 2/10/2022 at 3:31 PM, Truth21 said:

Thank you.  It had faded, until I heard from his ex wife about what they were up to.  We dont have any mutual from friends from our marriage life.  Well just one, but they dont talk.  

It may be a good idea to limit any interactions with this ex-wife person. She seems like trouble and someone looking for gossip and drama at its every turn. Learn to leave these kinds of people behind. Don't make their input a focus in any area of your life.