I saw my toxic ex and I still feel broken [merged thread]

[rangy111]

I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed. When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off.

She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

And when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything which I thought was childish, this was a month ago and now she seemed to unblocked me but she hasn't got in touch.

We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss". At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her.

We broke up around 6 weeks ago but she messaged me today out of the blue today saying:

'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend
But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x'

I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. What is the actual point in trying to be friends?

[rangy111]

I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed.

When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off.  She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards.

We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage. 

And when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure). 

I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything which I thought was childish, this was a month ago and now she seemed to unblocked me but she hasn't got in touch.  

We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss". At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her. 

We broke up around 7 weeks ago but she messaged me today out of the blue 2 days ago saying:  'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend  But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x'  I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. What is the actual point in trying to be friends?

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, rangy111 said:

What is the actual point in trying to be friends?

To keep her company until she finds her next boyfriend. 

You were wise to reject her. Block her now, so she can't mess with you anymore. 

[glows]

You called her childish for blocking you after the break up, OP. Did you utter those words to her or criticize her for doing so or did you only think it in your head? She offered friendship because she’s just being civil. Break ups are often a mix of emotions.

There is no point in trying to be friends as it holds you back from moving on. It sounds amicable so leave things the way they are.

[smani111]

This is a long story so please bear with me!

My ex gf and I broke up 3 months ago. I was glad as it was highly toxic and I was really unhappy, I know it was the right decision and that I deserve better but I just want some advice on how to stop missing her and keep myself motivated during the healing process.

I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed. When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off.

She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage. 

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit. She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset. So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.

We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss". At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her. I do miss her but I just want to heal and move on cos I know she's not good for me, and to help myself heal I am planning to stay away from relationships for a while and to do this I am planning on putting more focus on to my career (currently IT graduate, planning to advance my career by undertaking more software engineering certificates to enhance my career). I have also joined the gym now as another way to heal and improve mentally & physically and to keep myself busy.

We broke up 3 months ago but she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. She hasn't messaged after that.

I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but when I seen her today I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her, I don't think she saw me as I was driving past her. I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me.

Edited July 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[glows]

Christmas was only yesterday, as in a few weeks ago. Shake this off and move forward.

Mute or block her contact as it seems you’re still struggling and very hurt. It was the message that threw you off so start handling your technology better. The irony is that you’re in software engineering. Don’t be afraid to remove her from your life completely and move to the next chapter. 

Have you signed up for more courses yet? What do you need to register? Start planning and then do the things you want to do. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, smani111 said:

We broke up 3 months ago but she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted. I seen her today I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her, I don't think she saw me as I was driving past her.

How is it you're running into each other? Do you work or live near each other? 

You dodged a bullet and perhaps mistook intensity (drama) for intimacy.

Keep her blocked and deleted from all your social media and messaging apps and just keep moving forward.

[vla1120]

Good for you, telling her you do not want to remain friends. It sounds like it was a codependent relationship. She did all the taking and you did all the giving. You know it was toxic and not good for you. Every time you feel a twinge of hurt, remind yourself how toxic the relationship was, how she could not be trusted and how fortunate you are to be out of that relationship. You just need some time. Eventually, you'll be ready to date again and you'll meet someone who will make you wonder how you could have given someone like your ex so much of your time. Hang in there.

[czanclus]

Definitely a toxic person, and I'm surprised she was able to impress you as worthy of the feelings you had for her. A lot of unattractive character traits and behavior, not the least of all the amount of disrespect she has shown for your trust and opening up to her. Stay strong and let life/other people teach her the lessons that are coming. She needs a lot of growing up and work on herself before you should accept her as a quality friend. Meanwhile, best wishes to you with the next relationship. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by czanclus

[smani111]

[ ] 

She sent me a chain message over a month ago about charity but I haven't replied, I was confused as she never sent stuff like that before and I hadn't heard from her since Christmas. I blocked her on social media a few months back but i never blocked her number, however i have finally decided to do that today. I know shes not good for me so i just want to forget about her and move on but i miss her at the same time, im struggling please help

Edited July 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed duplicate content/merged thread

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, smani111 said:

She sent me a chain message over a month ago about charity but I haven't replied, I was confused as she never sent stuff like that before and I hadn't heard from her since Christmas. I blocked her on social media a few months back but i never blocked her number, however i have finally decided to do that today. 

You'll feel better when you delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media, contact lists, messaging apps and devices. Why drag this out if she's "toxic"?

You're just lonely and burned out from the drama. Get back involved in life. 

Join some groups and clubs. Take some classes. A language, yoga, dancing, etc. Volunteer, get a side hustle. Reconnect with friends and family.

 Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local interested women.

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is an attention-hungry train wreck. 

You need to keep her blocked, and raise your standards for the women you let in your life. 

15 hours ago, smani111 said:

I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year

And you're right - you should never have even spoken to this person again. Look within yourself to figure out why you don't demand more from the women you date. Were you lonely? Bored?

Once you get to the bottom of that, you won't have any trouble filtering out the bad apples. 

[Mimioy8]

My ex gf and I broke up around 8 months ago. I was glad as it was highly toxic and I became really unhappy, I know it was the right decision and that I deserve better but I just want some advice on how to stop missing her. I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed.

When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off. She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit. She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.   We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss".  At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her.

 I do miss her but I just want to heal and move on cos I know she's not good for me, and to help myself heal I am planning to stay away from relationships for a while and to do this I am planning on putting more focus on to my career (currently IT graduate, planning to advance my career by undertaking more software engineering certificates to enhance my career). I have also joined the gym now as another way to heal and improve mentally & physically and to keep myself busy.

We broke up 8 months ago but she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career.

I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more. I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. She sent me a chain message over a month ago about charity but I haven't replied, I was confused as she never sent stuff like that before and I hadn't heard from her since Christmas.

I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not. I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not.

My father and brother own a grocery store which her and her family occasionally used to visit before we broke up, after the break up she stopped visiting although her brother still came in sometimes. I usually work there part time just to help out when things get busy, however 2 days ago she came in on her own to my surprise. She never came in on her own even before she'd usually bring a family member, we came face to face and it felt quite awkward but we just turned away from each other and carried on. She hasn't said anything since then, I know its probably not a big deal to most people but it's hard to not think about it when she had started to appear in my space again surprisingly.

[Wiseman2]

Be polite and cordial if you run into her, especially if she's a customer in your family business. Otherwise delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[ShyViolet]

If the relationship was "toxic" then no, you absolutely should not try to be friends.  What would be the point of that?  Leave it in the past.  If you happen to run into her, just act neutral and don't say anything.  Or give a very simple "Hi" and that's it.  You don't stay friends with an ex when it was toxic.  That's just not good decision making.

[smani111]

[ ] 

I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more. I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. She sent me a chain message over a month ago about charity but I haven't replied, I was confused as she never sent stuff like that before and I hadn't heard from her since Christmas.

I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not. I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not.

My father and brother own a grocery store which her and her family occasionally used to visit before we broke up, after the break up she stopped visiting although her brother still came in sometimes. I usually work there part time just to help out when things get busy, however 2 days ago she came in on her own to my surprise. She never came in on her own even before she'd usually bring a family member, we came face to face and it felt quite awkward but we just turned away from each other and carried on. She hasn't said anything since then, I know its probably not a big deal to most people but it's hard to not think about it when she had started to appear in my space again surprisingly.

Edited July 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed duplicate content/merged thread

[basil67]

Why would you consider being friends with someone you call toxic and narcissistic?   Serious question

[ExpatInItaly]

No, there is zero point trying to be friends with her. 

You need to move on completely, and for good. 

[flitzanu]

sounds like you want to unblock her because you are hoping she will contact you.

don't.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/17/2022 at 3:29 PM, smani111 said:

I usually work there part time just to help out when things get busy, however 2 days ago she came in on her own to my surprise. 

Treat her like any other customer. But trying to be friends with a "narc ex" is like wondering if you'll get sick from spoiled food.

[glows]

Your question was about how to get over her and how to overcome missing someone you were once with. You were a couple so these feelings are natural, regardless of how ugly of a person she was or confused on the inside. My only advice is to keep caring for yourself consistently and stay busy. If you have other things and people to live for, enjoy your life. Moving on is a willful choice and it's little steps that take you on that journey. If you're on social media quite a bit and find yourself feeling nostalgic, change that habit and get off social media. Organize more get togethers in person with your friends. Don't bother so much about what people say online and maintain your privacy settings. Keep her blocked. 

She wants to be friends with you because you feed her ego and she has her way with you, whatever she asks you give to her, and the relationship ended a long time ago. If she showed how little she cared for you or showed you how poorly she cares for others, take the lessons and move on. Fill your days up with other things and projects. You mentioned schooling but this can't be the only thing going on. Have more of a variety of goals and have some hobbies you're interested in too. Go to meet ups with other hobbyists and exchange ideas. 

If you see her in person, treat her like anyone else. You'll have other things going for you by then. She's so far back in your rearview mirror you won't be able to make out her face. Let her go.

Edited July 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Mimioy8]

Long story short, I got out of a toxic relationship around 11 months ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately.  I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else. During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then. But I broke it off 11 months ago

 We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage. 

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit. She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset. 

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure). 

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.   

After we broke up she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. 

I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more. I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. 

I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not. I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. 

I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never out anything personal on it. A few days ago I put up a story on that page regarding a job I was working on and noticed she had viewed all of the stories that I posted, I found it weird that she did this because she unfollowed my business page when we broke up and hasn't paid attention to it in the last 11 months. 

I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her. I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing?

Should I unblock if I still miss her?

[Acacia98]

No. You shouldn't unblock her and try to be friends.

You should try to do the one thing you don't seem to have done, which is to get some counselling and to read up on topics like codependence and narcissism to try and figure out what psychological vulnerabilities you have that would cause you to be attracted to someone with character traits like hers in the first place and to (want to) seek her out again after the relationship has ended. Once you do that, you can make a genuine effort to heal so that you stop feeling that emptiness inside you and stop thinking that a relationship with her will make it go away.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Mimioy8 said:

Should I unblock if I still miss her?

You seem to know it’s not a good idea and are feeling lonely. No, I don’t think you should unblock her. She deceived you at the start, was hot/cold and sends weird, inappropriate messages about being friends and charity chain mail. Step back a few steps here and reread your entire post. What does it tell you about a person like this?

[fazersa]

I got out of a toxic relationship around a year and a half ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately.  

 I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else. During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then.  

But I broke it off a year and a half ago We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.  

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit.  

She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.  

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).  

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.  

After we broke up she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'.  

I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more.  

 I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not.  

 I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never out anything personal on it.  

I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.  

I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing? I always see her around as we live near one another, there were times where I used to try and get her attention because I missed her but now I just feel angry because I feel like I let her get away with a lot. 

 I saw her a few months ago and she saw me too and she messaged straight after saying 'hope your good', i don't understand why would she do that I keep seeing her around and I know deep down I know I shouldn't let her get away with treating me do badly, I miss her and sometimes feel stuck.  

A couple of days ago I seen someone that looks like her with another guy but couldn't tell if it was actually her as it was from a distance, I don't know why I'm overthinking it but I think thats whats making me miss her more. 

 I miss her but I know she's not good for me, what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?