Ongoing red flags in LDR (threads merged)

[Perdu]

While I can be a .. dreamer   if you put it nicely, I'm sorry to say this, but you are creating for yourself an environment for frustration and trust issues, by overinvesting in this connection with him.

There is this guy that you never met, but you still take his word for everything he says, since it's almost impossible for you to properly assess the situation by yourself, like if you'd do with someone that you could actually meet regularly and in person . 

And once you catch him in a lie (a lie that might not be important after all, since it was in the first month, before discussing exclusivity), this feeds into all your insecurities about this "relationship", since your logic is not asleep (and nor it should be!).

Also, never trust someone's words when they say "I'm over my ex", before observing them with a little bit of detachment, over some time. Most people confuse the desire of moving on with the actual fact and hurt others in the process, even unintentionally.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Perdu

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Agentra said:

I've been really happy, we'd made up a plan to close the distance, we had the money, all of it. 

Right, but until you meet and spend time together offline, you have no idea what you're truly investing in. 

It's easy to be happy when you haven't dealt with the daily reality of the person. And you're seeing some things that should have you questioning how honest this guy is. 

[glows]

Pause and don't respond to anything he says if he's gaslighting you. You mentioned he did so just yesterday and things felt disingenuous so how can you justify being with someone like that or closing any distance? Since you haven't met him yet it's unlikely you know him very well at all. 

 

[Perdu]

9 hours ago, Agentra said:

Thank you Basil, you raise an excellent point. I definitely decided that I was going to get an honest answer and I gave him no choice in the end. I understand he got scared. I'm a very "no bs" kind of person and if I don't like something, I remove myself from the situation in an instant. Both a good and a bad thing. 

Getting hurt is one thing, but I am terrified of being manipulated and gaslighted again. I do not want to be treated like a fool again. I was left traumatised after my last relationship. 

I can sympathise with where he was coming from, but I also feel like I'm not being unreasonable. A day or two after texting his ex and getting a response that was, I believe, rather cold, he told me he loved me. He claims at that point he "hated her" and wanted to know "she was hurting for hurting him". I understand the ego aspect of it. But I don't want a past rejection to be the reason he told me he loved me. What if she had been nicer to him? Would he have gone behind my back then? No idea. 

And the fact that he was okay with lying to me makes me feel uneasy. 

They were together for 7 months. We started officially dating close to 4 months after that relationship. But by the time that message was sent we were already very-very close.

He mentioned the messages to me a couple times, I never snooped, not my thing. I always felt weird about it but didn't know what to say. He went more in-depth about these messages yesterday and I started seeing the dishonesty about his intentions through what he was saying. 

I don't think he is pining for her. I think the reason for that message was ego. But if you read my response to Basil, the fact that he was so willing to lie to me and then tell me he "loved me" just a day or two after that exchange scares me. Again, what if she had been "warmer" towards him? 

It's the same actions my ex took. And I got royally screwed over with him. 

Agentra, seems like you are in a vulnerable position at this stage in your love life, by being hurt in your previous relationship. So are you putting yourself again in a similar position, by giving so much power over your  well-being to a person that you can't trust yet, since there are so many obstacles that stand against building the necessary trust in order to make you feel safe? 

Having read a previous post of yours, I can understand now why are you comfortable with this kind of distance between you, because you can back away easily and have more control over the pace.

Also, if you have identified a pattern in your relationships, I think you should take that issue and address it seriously. The same pattern can appear in the future, if not with this guy, maybe with the next and the next..

Edited April 11, 2022 by Perdu

[poppyfields]

Hello Agentra,

May I ask how you're able to have a serious relationship with a man who makes you "very happy" without having ever met? 

I'm not judging I promise, I really am curious what relationships like this entail, your "dates," sex, everything. 

I have had on line "interactions" and believe you can develop feelings that way, but I'm confused about the serious relationship part, sharing "I Love You's," and how you develop and maintain it, without having ever met let alone spending real time together (in person).  

I hope you will answer, I've asked this question before but never received an answer that satisfied my curiosity.

My response will depend on your answer, but on first blush, it sounds like he still has unresolved feelings for his ex, was she long distance as well?  

Did they ever meet in person? 

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Agentra, you can disregard my questions in previous post, I read your previous thread and you explained it there. 

>>we video call a lot, play games, and otherwise spend over 10h per day on the phone (we sleep/nap together on the phone, when the other has to do stuff and be productive they mute themselves), it's not a relationship per-se and we don't technically even know each other, but we're somehow very happy. We plan on meeting in October. <<

I'm sorry I have no response other than what I said in previous post, and wish you the best of luck.  I hope it works out the way you hope and want. 

[NuevoYorko]

I have some thoughts on this:

First, overarching everything is the fact that you have never met this person.   I don't believe that a relationship where there is no real life interaction is "real."

That said:

Why are you holding him so accountable for a "breadcrumb" text he sent to an ex during the first month you and he were "getting to know" (your words) each other?   You were not exclusive, and you also seem to be well aware that he'd been through a difficult and recent breakup.  

You also, though, say that by the time the text was sent you were "already very very close."  How?  Even relationships that are happening IRL are just getting started in the first few weeks.   I can venture to say that yours, being virtual, would be on a slower timeline.  You have yet to meet.

You labeled this text a "breadcrumb" but soon you are accusing him of lying.   You are making a huge deal of it - yet it happened months ago, and you claim to be very happy with this situation.

I would feel differently if these breadcrumbs were continuously being strewn as you and he keep talking.

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, Agentra said:

Yep. We would have met in a month. But now I'm not sure. I don't know what to do. I've been really happy so far. 

This is fantasyland till you meet in person….

[Wiseman2]

Think of it as gaming buddies rather than a relationship, and much of your angst will smooth over.

That way you can still have him as a sort of gaming /text buddy, but you can date real people in person.