breakup on distance

[Carolina12]

 Hi all,

It is the first time that I write in this forum but I think that listening to the opinion of external people can give me some clarity. I'll try to summarize my story:

2 years ago I started dating a guy. At first it was not something formal at all and for work reasons he had to move to another country. However we agreed on continuing to get to know each other, although at that time he did not want anything serious yet.

We kept talking everyday and saw each other on one occasion, until both of us realized that we wanted to formalize the relationship and he invited me to move to his new destination (I was already leaving the country where I previously worked and where we met so it wasn't difficult for me to say yes). However, before moving, I had the intuition that there was something that I did not know and asked him if he had been with other girls while we were not serious, to which he replied "NO". Few days later he called me devastated telling me that he had indeed had an affair with two girls while we were not serious, because he was not sure that he wanted a relationship with me.

To summarize, over time we continued together, and although I didn't considered it as cheating because he was clear with me about not being serious at that moment, what hurt me is that he lied to me when I was already planning to move with him. This caused many problems for the rest of the relationship, not about not trusting him but that I was not able to overcome the pain that his lie did to me. Finally we lived together for a while and for work reasons I moved to a neighboring country. After 3 weeks in my new place, last October, he decided to break up with me because we couldn't be completely well as a couple due to this same problem. The first day after the breakup I talked to him to try find a solution to fix it, to which he objected, and since then I have not communicated with him again. So by his words "he loves me but we will never be ok as a couple because I'll never forget the past".

During this time he has written to me on different occasions for various reasons, also on special dates and he has also sent me a gift because, according to him "he saw it and knew that I would like it".

He told me this in December, I received this gift in January and I have not been able to thank him or write to him again. I think he must be angry that I didn't appreciate the detail from him, but I also don't understand the purpose of the messages and gift from him when we are no longer a couple.

On the one hand I feel bad for not saying thank you for his present and I don't want him to think I'm angry or spiteful or whatever, but on the other hand I don't understand the purpose of his actions and I keep spinning my head thinking what's his intention?

I really miss him and although I totally understand the reasons that led him to break the relationship, I can't stop imagining that maybe he will regret it and this is just a time to take space and be both in a better position if we decide to come back. I think the most appropriate thing would have been to give us some time much earlier, when I saw that no matter how hard he tried, I couldn't forgive that lie if we stayed together. However, I didn't want to risk our relationship and thought that with his efforts (which he really did) everything would work out.

Now I don't know what to do, if I am going to feel better thanking him for his gift and maintaining a cordial relationship with him, or continue in silence which will probably lead to us not speaking anymore (I know him very well and I am almost sure that he is angry /hurt for not reaching him when receiving his gift).

Any external opinion will be appreciated! 🙂

[Alpacalia]

I think it's appropriate to thank him for the gift.

Despite its appreciation, explain that you'd prefer no more gifts, as they cause confusion and you are trying to move forward.

[glows]

The gift is inappropriate. I’m sure he’s still fond of you but he also strikes me as impulsive.

When asked a question, he produced a lie to impulsively evade the truth. When broken up, he sends items to your place impulsively believing it’s the right thing to do. In both instances he is not thinking of you. He’s responding to his own impulsive need. What takes care of himself first, what pleases himself first. What you find attractive in this man is beyond me. 

I agree with you that it would have been better to end it after you saw that he had lied. Waiting for him to end the relationship dragged it out for much longer especially when you had growing resentment towards him. 

You’re under no obligation to stay in contact with him at all and you’re still resentful that he lied. I don’t suggest contacting him again if you dislike what he did much earlier. Give yourself more time to heal from this. You were not happy during the relationship from the sounds of it and it was up/down.

Regarding the gift item, I’d mention something along the lines of: “Thanks for the gift but please do not send me gifts or cards in the future. I wish you the best and prefer privacy and not to be contacted again.” 

[ExpatInItaly]

I also think it was inappropriate of him to send you a gift. It feels manipulative to me, as if he's trying to keep you just barely warm so that if he changes his mind, you'll be there as a back-up option. Tell him to stop sending them. 

What I read from this is that he has never quite been into you the same way you were into him, and that is what ultimately led to the break-up. I realize he's telling you it's basically your fault because you were hurt about the past, but I don't totally buy that. I think he wanted an excuse to wiggle out of the relationship again without taking accountability, and that was his moment. 

Personally, I get bad impression overall of this guy. I think you would be wise to realize he's not a good candidate for you and never truly was.