Wife on girls trip

[Goalie]

My wife is going to Jamaica on a girls trip with her friends. It is a mystery trip so most of the group will not know what resort/island until they arrive at the airport. I’m a little worried the resort may be swimsuit optional(at least topless in designated areas). My main concern is many of the women are not in great marriages. Some are totally on the rocks. Also, most of the other ladies are quite over weight(obese).  My wife on the other hand is very beautiful and has a nice body. I’m afraid they will want to go topless because their husbands don’t show them any attention and would not care if they did. The problem is my wife WILL get attention from men. My wife and I have great sex but I have always been the initiator. She doesn’t show much interest. For me it is a source of sadness. I’m afraid I will be hurt/jealous if she joins in on the fun as she will be looked at basically nude by other men and may like it. I know technically she would not actually cheat on me with another man, but I am still very nervous about this possible scenario. If she does go topless and see/talk to other men, (or maybe see other nude men)does anyone think I have a right to be upset? Would this be considered cheating? 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I do not consider going topless cheating in any way shape or form. I am a woman and think you need to trust your wife. It seems like you are making a lot of assumptions about what her friends may do. It can be very easy to get yourself all spun up over nothing.

A lot of women and men have hangups about various things like going topless, sitting in a coed sauna (common in Europe and there have been past threads about this), etc. These activities are not sexual. A gorgeous woman with a great body will likely get attention in a bikini, wearing a one piece swimsuit or topless.

Has she expressed an interest in going topless on this trip? She may just not be into it or she may want to try it but you need to trust her or you’ve got bigger issues in your marriage than the trip/topless sun bathing.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Goalie said:

. My wife and I have great sex but I have always been the initiator. She doesn’t show much interest. For me it is a source of sadness. 

Don't worry about the other women, their marriages or their weight.

Why is the hotel a secret? Does it matter if it's a clothing optional resort?

You don't trust your wife. It's that simple. It has nothing to do with swimsuits or not.

If someone is going to cheat they can have clothes on.

While she's away, see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your chronic sadness.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Perhaps look into marriage therapy to improve communication and trust.

Also why not look into taking a vacation together? 

[BaileyB]

I would not consider swimming topless to be cheating.

I think her lack of interest in sex is making you feel insecure. 

I echo what was said above, you obviously don’t trust your wife if you are worried about what she will do during a girls trip.

[Haydn]

Relax,

Have the lads over while you have some time. Play a bit of FIFA or even Fortnight....

I guess you'd panic if she popped to Tesco with the girls.

Not a really attractive look. Tell her to have fun and work a bit on yourself.

Good luck

[glows]

10 hours ago, Goalie said:

My wife and I have great sex but I have always been the initiator. She doesn’t show much interest. For me it is a source of sadness. I’m afraid I will be hurt/jealous if she joins in on the fun as she will be looked at basically nude by other men and may like it. I know technically she would not actually cheat on me with another man, but I am still very nervous about this possible scenario. If she does go topless and see/talk to other men, (or maybe see other nude men)does anyone think I have a right to be upset? Would this be considered cheating? 

Unfortunately the issue is within your marriage and that she seems unenthused with you. You’re feeling insecure which is understandable. 

That you are here asking this question suggests you’re very self-aware that the trip isn’t the issue. It’s your marriage.

Whether they are topless or not is besides the point. If they were fully clothed it still doesn’t negate the fact that you perceive your wife as uninterested with you. Why is that? Have you tried talking with her about making a move or being more of an initiator? What you perceive may also be untrue and your perception only. She may want her husband to initiate sex or you’re not reading her body language. Communicate together. Reaffirm your love for each other and commitment and work on your marriage. 

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Goalie said:

It is a mystery trip so most of the group will not know what resort/island until they arrive at the airport.

I find this^ odd and frankly suspicious.

I think she knows where she's going but apparently she doesn't want you knowing.  Why is that I wonder?

My guess is she doesn't want to be hassled about it, or questioned. 

Take from that what you will, but something sounds very off about it, imo.

11 hours ago, Goalie said:

She doesn’t show much interest.

This isn't good, and again something sounds off.

How long have you been married? 

Time for a good heart to heart, perhaps marriage counseling. 

Good luck. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Els]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I find this^ odd and frankly suspicious.

I think she knows where she's going but apparently she doesn't want you knowing.  Why is that I wonder?

There's a ton of "mystery travel" packages out there, lol. It's usually a "5 star hotel in X region" for a less-than-5-star price, so it sounds like a good deal. Obviously you're usually just going to end up in the worst rooms of the lowest-rated hotel that may or may not actually be 5 stars... but lots of people get swayed by the price. I'm surprised you've never seen such offers, do you travel?

Anyway, OP... if you're concerned about a topless resort in Jamaica, better hope she never visits Germany, huh? Because you can actually hang out nude there in designated parks and beaches (yes, without your genitals covered!), and in some, nudity is mandatory! Yet somehow, Germans don't have a higher rate of infidelity than elsewhere...

Edited February 11, 2022 by Elswyth

[poppyfields]

@Elswyth

Actually yes, I've done a ton of traveling, through Europe, across the US, the Caribbean and Mediterranean Islands. 

Not familiar with "mystery travel packages," thank you for enlightening me.

I'll have to google it before I comment further. 

 

Edited February 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I'd have no issue not going nude either if my hypothetical husband was uncomfortable with it (unless of course we went together...that could be fun).

So no, I don't blame you.

But agree that the lack of sex is the more concerning issue.

And as such, these two things "might" be related.

Hard to say at this point.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

So I just researched mystery travel and it's a real thing, sorry OP my bad.

Something still sounds off with your marriage though, her lack of interest in sex, in you.

Might want to explore that with her when she returns. 

Good luck to you both. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Pumpernickel]

@Goalieare you from Europe? Because in Jamaica, you can't just go topless like in the EU countries. They only have a few of those hedo resorts where people run around naked. And then there are also some "clothing optional" beaches and resorts, but that's not the majority. 

Often, when you book a mystery hotel, you choose how many stars you want, let's say 4 or 5, and before you pay you will see that it's 1 of the following three, and you see the actual resorts one of which they will assign you to upon arrival. Sometimes that's completely hidden, I know, but in that case, I doubt they would put them in a hedo/nudist resort. It's too specific of a requirement. Don't worry! 

Edited February 11, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[NuevoYorko]

Evidently your marriage accommodates for some separate vacations.  If that is the case and your wife thinks this sounds like fun, I can't imagine why the possible optional status of bathing suits or  bad marriages / body types of the other women should be a threat to you.   If men like how she looks, that has nothing to do with her, you, or your marriage.

Trust is everything.  If you don't have it, there is your problem.  Not the possible scenarios around this trip.

Don't buy into the pro-insecurity and control mindset that seems to be so supported around here.   It's not healthy.

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, Goalie said:

I know technically she would not actually cheat on me with another man, but I am still very nervous about this possible scenario. If she does go topless and see/talk to other men, (or maybe see other nude men)does anyone think I have a right to be upset? Would this be considered cheating? 

No. This would not be considered cheating (at least in my book). You need to trust your wife. Also, it sounds like you believe you have enough sex, but you're sad that she does not initiate. Have you talked to her about this? Maybe there is a medical reason her libido is lacking, or, if she is enjoying the sex and just waits for you to initiate, maybe that's not as much of a problem as you think. Maybe you could talk to her about initiating sometimes.

Edited February 11, 2022 by vla1120

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Goalie said:

My main concern is many of the women are not in great marriages. Some are totally on the rocks.

Every person has different things that they are comfortable with, and the match of a couple ultimately depends on how well they mesh. It would be better for you to find a wife who's in tune with your way of thinking if you need a covered-up wife. Nudist beaches, which I haven't been to (actually, I take that back, I do recall I went to one but I stayed covered up), but still seem like a fun and natural way to be naked outside. However it sounds like her friends are going for the wrong reasons.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Alpaca

[Haydn]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

 

Anyway, OP... if you're concerned about a topless resort in Jamaica, better hope she never visits Germany, huh? Because you can actually hang out nude there in designated parks and beaches (yes, without your genitals covered!), and in some, nudity is mandatory! Yet somehow, Germans don't have a higher rate of infidelity than elsewhere...

Yep, i think i told you my story about visiting a German Lake and seeing Gunter and his mates barbecuing sausages in the buff.

A tad off topic but the gist is that only the cooking caused infidelity. 

[dramafreezone]

14 hours ago, Goalie said:

My wife is going to Jamaica on a girls trip with her friends. It is a mystery trip so most of the group will not know what resort/island until they arrive at the airport. I’m a little worried the resort may be swimsuit optional(at least topless in designated areas). My main concern is many of the women are not in great marriages. Some are totally on the rocks. Also, most of the other ladies are quite over weight(obese).  My wife on the other hand is very beautiful and has a nice body. I’m afraid they will want to go topless because their husbands don’t show them any attention and would not care if they did. The problem is my wife WILL get attention from men. My wife and I have great sex but I have always been the initiator. She doesn’t show much interest. For me it is a source of sadness. I’m afraid I will be hurt/jealous if she joins in on the fun as she will be looked at basically nude by other men and may like it. I know technically she would not actually cheat on me with another man, but I am still very nervous about this possible scenario. If she does go topless and see/talk to other men, (or maybe see other nude men)does anyone think I have a right to be upset? Would this be considered cheating? 

 

Of course you have a "right" to be upset.  What man feels great about his wife going on a "girls trip" without him?  But I think the entire premise of that question is problematic.  Everyone has a right to their emotions because these are instinctual.  We don't make a choice to be upset, we just are due to the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  No one can tell you that you shouldn't feel the emotions that you do because no one else is in your situation.

But no going on a trip without you is not in itself cheating.  You're making a lot of assumptions about what you think will happen, but even going topless is not cheating.  Other men talking to your wife is not cheating.

Have you told her that you're uncomfortable with this trip?  What would concern me is if you did communicate your discomfort and she didn't care, or tried to make you the bad person.  That would mean that on a basic level she doesn't respect you enough to care much about hurting your feelings or making you uncomfortable, and that's what should concern you if it's true.  Love cannot exist without respect.  I think you're worrying about the wrong things.

Edited February 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Goalie]

Thank you so much for your responses. Just a little back story. The mystery trip location/resort is revealed at the airport, then disclosed to all the husbands so they know where the group went as a whole. We love each other and are committed to the marriage. We both have demanding careers and littles at home. I think over the course of our marriage the lack of her interest/ initiation in sex has slowly broken me down to feel like a man who’s thirsty only thinks about water right? We do make time, let’s just say about once a week to keep it simple. However, I think because I’m “thirsty” I perseverate over it.

The reason I’m on here asking for advise is because it’s somewhat embarrassing. I would generally agree with much of what was said, but if I may, I would like to give an example of why I am jealous. My wife doesn’t like me seeing her nude when we aren’t being intimate together. So in my mind, why would she want to do it in front of other men for hours at a time for several days? To me it doesn’t make sense. She knows I love seeing her and she basically shuts it down mostly. But yet she will possibly be right next to other men in conversation while on display, fully knowing that men are visual and that they are being to at least some degree of aroused by her. I feel that she would be, at least somewhat, exhilarated by it. In my opinion, she should have those thoughts and desires with me, not other men. It’s probably not even going to happen in the first place. I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me. Once again, thank you for your opinions.

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, Goalie said:

My wife doesn’t like me seeing her nude when we aren’t being intimate together. So in my mind, why would she want to do it in front of other men for hours at a time for several days? To me it doesn’t make sense. She knows I love seeing her and she basically shuts it down mostly. But yet she will possibly be right next to other men in conversation while on display, fully knowing that men are visual and that they are being to at least some degree of aroused by her. I feel that she would be, at least somewhat, exhilarated by it. In my opinion, she should have those thoughts and desires with me, not other men. It’s probably not even going to happen in the first place. I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me.

In this case, I highly doubt she's going to shed her bathing suit to have strange men ogle her. You could probably put this to rest by asking her "If there happens to be a nude pool/beach, do you plan to go topless?" I guarantee she'll be shocked you would think that, considering she is so modest in her own husband's presence. 

6 minutes ago, Goalie said:

I think over the course of our marriage the lack of her interest/ initiation in sex has slowly broken me down to feel like a man who’s thirsty only thinks about water right? We do make time, let’s just say about once a week to keep it simple. However, I think because I’m “thirsty” I perseverate over it.

This is natural. Have you talked to her about this at all? I've known many women who, with the challenges of a career and little ones at home, claim they just don't have the time or energy for sex, but considering this is such an important part of a successful marriage, maybe it is time for the two of you to focus some attention on this part of your marriage. Maybe the two of you need to take a romantic vacation, or have someone watch the kids at their house so the two of you can have some time alone at home. There are board games that can "enhance" the foreplay experience and that may be enough to get your wife interested. Maybe a glass of wine would help in that situation. There are many things the two of you can try. I will say, I'll bet there are many men who wish they were having relations with their wife once a week. (Though I understand your concern, if it feels like a chore to her.) 

[Pumpernickel]

12 minutes ago, Goalie said:

 It’s probably not even going to happen in the first place. I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me.

But that's such a hypothetical. Why assume the worst? There's no reason to be suspicious. If she should end up in a swimsuit optional resort, that doesn't mean she will actually take her top off. She can still leave her whole bathingsuit on. Especially if she's shy when naked around you. I think with small kids, a marriage and a FT job back home, her last thought will be to cheat on you with some local or a tourist.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[AngryGromit]

 

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

There's a ton of "mystery travel" packages out there, lol. It's usually a "5 star hotel in X region" for a less-than-5-star price, so it sounds like a good deal. Obviously you're usually just going to end up in the worst rooms of the lowest-rated hotel that may or may not actually be 5 stars... but lots of people get swayed by the price. I'm surprised you've never seen such offers, do you travel?

Anyway, OP... if you're concerned about a topless resort in Jamaica, better hope she never visits Germany, huh? Because you can actually hang out nude there in designated parks and beaches (yes, without your genitals covered!), and in some, nudity is mandatory! Yet somehow, Germans don't have a higher rate of infidelity than elsewhere...

Topless resorts tend to be higher end hotels, it this is a cheap "mystery deal" vacation, it's likely she will be anywhere near a topless / nude beach to begin with.  As for cheating, why would it matter if she's nude, topless, wearing bikini or dressed for artic weather, if she intends to cheat, it's really not going to matter when she's wearing. Going nude to a nude beach doesn't make you more promiscuous. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Goalie said:

I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me.

But nothing has happened, OP. She's done literally...nothing. 

I think anyone would be dismayed to learn their partner has cheated. We would all wonder how our partners could cheat on us - if that ever happened. You're spinning worst-case scenarios in your mind that are leading you to stress over hypotheticals. You don't even have any clue if there are nude or topless areas where she's going. 

And from the sounds of it? She would not be at all comfortable stripping down in front of strangers if she doesn't even want her own husband seeing her nakes. 

But this isn't about the trip, really. It's not even about maybe going topless. It's about your fear and insecurity that something is very wrong in your marriage. So my advice would be to focus less on the inconsequentials, and more on the fact that you feel distant from your wife and that she isn't into you sexually as much. Have you talked about this with her? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Goalie said:

The mystery trip location/resort is revealed at the airport, then disclosed to all the husbands so they know where the group went as a whole.

So you don't even know if this is a clothing optional resort. It's all speculation, angst and catastrophizing.

The main issue is the marriage and sexual dissatisfaction on your side. Talk to a therapist while she is away.

Edited February 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

However it sounds like her friends are going for the wrong reasons.

Yup

[Els]

10 hours ago, Goalie said:

Thank you so much for your responses. Just a little back story. The mystery trip location/resort is revealed at the airport, then disclosed to all the husbands so they know where the group went as a whole. We love each other and are committed to the marriage. We both have demanding careers and littles at home. I think over the course of our marriage the lack of her interest/ initiation in sex has slowly broken me down to feel like a man who’s thirsty only thinks about water right? We do make time, let’s just say about once a week to keep it simple. However, I think because I’m “thirsty” I perseverate over it.

The reason I’m on here asking for advise is because it’s somewhat embarrassing. I would generally agree with much of what was said, but if I may, I would like to give an example of why I am jealous. My wife doesn’t like me seeing her nude when we aren’t being intimate together. So in my mind, why would she want to do it in front of other men for hours at a time for several days? To me it doesn’t make sense. She knows I love seeing her and she basically shuts it down mostly. But yet she will possibly be right next to other men in conversation while on display, fully knowing that men are visual and that they are being to at least some degree of aroused by her. I feel that she would be, at least somewhat, exhilarated by it. In my opinion, she should have those thoughts and desires with me, not other men. It’s probably not even going to happen in the first place. I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me. Once again, thank you for your opinions.

....And how is it exactly that you "know" her mystery hotel will be a topless one AND that she will be topless AND chatting to other men while topless.....?

Again, if she was going to Germany would you just assume she's going to be nude in all designated parks/beaches, just because it's legal? Do the two of you ever travel together?

Re: the bolded, have you ever considered that a break from her demanding career and mothering duties might actually benefit her libido? And that your encouragement might lead to you being the recipient of the "benefits"?

Have you considered talking to a therapist about your anxiety, insecurity, and tendency to catastrophize?

 

Edited February 12, 2022 by Elswyth