BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) And the fact of the matter is, she can cheat on you topless or fully clothed. If she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat. That said, I don’t see any indication that she is going to cheat based on what you have written. I see a man who is feeling insecure about himself and his marriage who is, as was said above, spinning worst case scenarios and spiralling with anxiety. The fact that her friends are unhappy in their marriage or even going on this trip to have some fun - that does not mean that your wife will do the same. Literally, nothing has happened here that you haven’t created with your own imagination. Counselling, to help you deal with your anxiety and insecurities, would be very helpful for you friend. Best wishes. Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) On 2/11/2022 at 10:36 AM, Goalie said: Thank you so much for your responses. Just a little back story. The mystery trip location/resort is revealed at the airport, then disclosed to all the husbands so they know where the group went as a whole. We love each other and are committed to the marriage. We both have demanding careers and littles at home. I think over the course of our marriage the lack of her interest/ initiation in sex has slowly broken me down to feel like a man who’s thirsty only thinks about water right? We do make time, let’s just say about once a week to keep it simple. However, I think because I’m “thirsty” I perseverate over it. The reason I’m on here asking for advise is because it’s somewhat embarrassing. I would generally agree with much of what was said, but if I may, I would like to give an example of why I am jealous. My wife doesn’t like me seeing her nude when we aren’t being intimate together. So in my mind, why would she want to do it in front of other men for hours at a time for several days? To me it doesn’t make sense. She knows I love seeing her and she basically shuts it down mostly. But yet she will possibly be right next to other men in conversation while on display, fully knowing that men are visual and that they are being to at least some degree of aroused by her. I feel that she would be, at least somewhat, exhilarated by it. In my opinion, she should have those thoughts and desires with me, not other men. It’s probably not even going to happen in the first place. I just don’t understand how, if something could happen, she could do that to me. Once again, thank you for your opinions. Hmmmm, once a week is pretty good for married couples on average. Add in demanding careers, children and what not, I think you're doing better than a lot of folks that don't have demanding careers. I do get what you're saying about her enthusasm regarding sex. You don't want to make it seem like someone's having sex out of obligation, but because they want to bond. I think it doesn't serve any purpose to make these assumptions and take them to the extreme. At the core they are assumptions which means you don't know whether they're true or not. I think in some senses you are overreacting, but I don't agree with the cliche of "just trust her." If the script was flipped, there would be none of this "just trust him" if you were going out on a guy's only trip to Vegas. And the fact that her friends are unhappy in their marriages is a HUGE deal, because friends tend to bond over shared experiences/difficulties. If she didn't have much in common with those friends, she probably wouldn't spend much time with them. There is *something* here to be worried about, but it may not be exactly what you think it is. I tend to think that she isn't regarding your feelings very much, which is a basic lack of respect issue. A lack of respect is what can lead to multiple problems in marriage, so that needs to be addressed first and foremost. Cheating (not saying that's what's going on) is a potential *symptom* of a lack of respect for you, so worrying about potential cheating is focusing on the wrong thing, focus on the illness not the symptom. Insecurities, jealousy are in all of us for a reason, and those experiencing those feelings often are experiencing them for good reason, same way we experience fear, worry, anxiety. More often than not those emotions are appropriate becaus we intuitively sense that something isn't quite right in our environment. That's how humans have survived for so long. Basically, what I'm saying is don't overreact, but don't underreact either. You need to communicate much more effectively with her than you are now. She should care that you feel upset, insecure, whatever you're feeling. If she respects you and wants your happiness, she will be motivated to do what she can to help. That's a two way street though, if she also has things that she wants to change you have to be open to that and respect her grievances as well. Edited February 12, 2022 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 On 2/11/2022 at 1:36 PM, Goalie said: My wife doesn’t like me seeing her nude when we aren’t being intimate together. If this is the case and she's this shy/demure with her own husband, it's doubtful she'll be prancing around Montego bay in a G-string. Try to relax and whatever is bothering you as far as sexual/marital problems discuss it when she returns. Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: I think in some senses you are overreacting, but I don't agree with the cliche of "just trust her." If the script was flipped, there would be none of this "just trust him" if you were going out on a guy's only trip to Vegas. And the fact that her friends are unhappy in their marriages is a HUGE deal, because friends tend to bond over shared experiences/difficulties. If she didn't have much in common with those friends, she probably wouldn't spend much time with them. There is *something* here to be worried about, but it may not be exactly what you think it is. I tend to think that she isn't regarding your feelings very much, which is a basic lack of respect issue. A lack of respect is what can lead to multiple problems in marriage, so that needs to be addressed first and foremost. Cheating (not saying that's what's going on) is a potential *symptom* of a lack of respect for you, so worrying about potential cheating is focusing on the wrong thing, focus on the illness not the symptom. Insecurities, jealousy are in all of us for a reason, and those experiencing those feelings often are experiencing them for good reason, same way we experience fear, worry, anxiety. More often than not those emotions are appropriate becaus we intuitively sense that something isn't quite right in our environment. That's how humans have survived for so long. Agree Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goalie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 Once again, thank you all for your genuine responses. And like before, I mostly agree with what was said. I know I need to relax. I know my wife has every right to go and have time with her girl friends. She deserves it. I’m kind of running out of things to comment on as we have been married for 19 years, so there is obviously more to the story than what has been mentioned. Overall, I know she would never do something like cheat on me. You know when you just know? Even if she does nothing wrong, for me and my own feelings of jealousy, just knowing her talking to men at a resort while partying and looking great is just painful to me as she will be the draw in the group. And it’s just natural to feel good if you are desired. Thanks again. I’ll get through it. I always have. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 10 minutes ago, Goalie said: Even if she does nothing wrong, for me and my own feelings of jealousy, just knowing her talking to men at a resort while partying and looking great is just painful to me as she will be the draw in the group. So it's not about the potentially-topless-resort anymore? Honestly, this is even more perplexing... I could maybe understand the topless concerns - although I might think they're overblown, it's not uncommon for some men to not want their wives to be topless outside the home, I guess. But finding it painful that she is "talking to men while partying and looking great"??? Does your wife not talk to men at work? Does she not attend events or parties with men present in your home country??? Or is it the "while on holiday" thing that bothers you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goalie Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 I didn’t say it isn’t about her going topless. I am just going on the idea that she wouldn’t do that in secret. I believe we would discuss it first. As mentioned in my last comment, it’s more complicated than just the several comments that have been mentioned. I don’t want to have these feelings. Just over the years they kind of made their way in there. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) But would she be talking to men while partying and looking great? While I can't speak for other women, if I got a sneaky girls vacation with my besties, we'd be all about bonding and connecting with each other. We are so focused on each other (not gazing around the room or smiling at men) that our body language tells men that any advances would be unwelcome. And there's one bestie who I've been in bars with and you've got no idea how quickly we shut down male attention. I'm talking "show them the hand and keep walkin'". Likewise, when hubby goes skiing with the boys, the apres skiing is all about their mateship and the drinking. What kind of history do you have which makes you believe she wouldn't behave as I've described above? Edited February 13, 2022 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 ^^^ I agree with basil. When I travel with my girlfriends, the last thing that I’m thinking about are men or getting attention from men. I’m enjoying my time with my girlfriends. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 18 hours ago, basil67 said: But would she be talking to men while partying and looking great? While I can't speak for other women, if I got a sneaky girls vacation with my besties, we'd be all about bonding and connecting with each other. According to some of the relationship "wisdom" shared here, though, this bonding and connecting is a dangerous problem. The other ladies are unhappily married, according to the OP, and talking about this evidently would be a threat to their marriage. Not all couples do "separate vacations" and it seems like this marriage doesn't have the right kind of trust and solid foundation for this to work. I'm curious why the wife would even venture to plan such a thing. She must be aware that her husband is not on board. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 'My wife is going to the West Indies' 'Jamaica' 'No she went of her own accord' Sorry.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: According to some of the relationship "wisdom" shared here, though, this bonding and connecting is a dangerous problem. The other ladies are unhappily married, according to the OP, and talking about this evidently would be a threat to their marriage. This makes me wonder about whether or not their own marriage is solid. While I can't speak for anyone else, when I hear other women complain about their marriages, I start counting my blessings for having a great guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 14, 2022 Share Posted February 14, 2022 4 hours ago, Haydn said: 'My wife is going to the West Indies' 'Jamaica' 'No she went of her own accord' Sorry.... The door is that way --------> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 15, 2022 Share Posted February 15, 2022 7 hours ago, Haydn said: 'My wife is going to the West Indies' 'Jamaica' 'No she went of her own accord' Sorry.... I would have enjoyed responding with the "hahahaha" emoji. Sadly, we are not to be trusted with such a thing around here. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goalie Posted February 15, 2022 Author Share Posted February 15, 2022 Well, Today is the big day!!! Girls trip 2022!!! 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2022 Share Posted February 15, 2022 On 2/12/2022 at 7:47 PM, dramafreezone said: the fact that her friends are unhappy in their marriages is a HUGE deal, because friends tend to bond over shared experiences/difficulties. If she didn't have much in common with those friends, she probably wouldn't spend much time with them. There is *something* here to be worried about, but it may not be exactly what you think it is. Agreed. Unhappily married friends tend to have a destabilising effect. Once one of the friend group takes the step to separate/divorce the others can follow suit. A domino effect. Being concerned about her bathing topless is likely the least of your worries. You need to spend this time apart assessing your marriage and considering why she feels it necessary to go on a girls trip with women who feel alienated from their husbands. Women tend to value emotional connection and women who feel little or no connection tend to not want sex... Bear that in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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