Need some guidance about my engagement

[Blinkblue178]

Bare with me here, ill try to keep it short.

I've been with my partner for 6.5 years, engaged for 6 months, we have a house and a toddler together. I don't know if I can marry him. I love him, but it doesn't feel right and the though of marrying him doesn't make me happy. We have had so many problems our entire relationship, and so many arguments, over the same things over and over - so I carry a lot of resentment which I know I need to let go of. He doesn't drink often at all, but if he does get drunk, he is awful. I've told him he is not to drink around me ever again, he has said the most hurtful things to me when drunk. He barely helped around the house and with our child. Our intimacy emotionally and intellectually doesn't make for the best connection, it's not very deep, and I am a deep person. We had a big argument a few weeks back, and something in me snapped. No matter how much he said sorry or promised to do better, I couldn't accept it and move forward this time. I think I am one foot in the door and one foot out. It's breaking me, I can't eat, I can't focus, every day is a struggle. Ever since then, he has been amazing. He has said he realised how much he loves me and how slack he has been in this relationship. I can't fault how helpful and loving he has been, and he says that is a permanent change. But I'm feeling like it might be too little too late. The though of a life with just me and my daughter, where one day I could meet someone so much more compatible to me, makes me really happy. I am only 31, I hopefully have lots of time ahead of me. It would break both of our hearts if we broke up, but I just don't know why I can't seem to forgive him this time and move forward with him, even with these changes. I have taken my ring off for now, it doesnt feel right.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? What did you do? Any and all advice is welcome, please! Thank you so much.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

My advice is to get counseling. Maybe each separately to address the issues individually and explore what you want, and figure out steps to work through the issues it with through ending it. Often the recommendation is to do solo counseling before jumping into couples counseling, even if just one session or so.

Going to speak to a therapist is smart even if you are pretty sure you want to leave the relationship. You have a child and will need to navigate co-parenting and the next stage of the relationship. You have a lot of built up resentment and would benefit from learning some tools to get beyond it. 

I also think you owe it to yourself to try everything to see if you both can be happy together, or if ending things is best.

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Blinkblue178 said:

but I just don't know why I can't seem to forgive him this time and move forward with him, even with these changes.

Because the damage has already been done. This is a normal response after years of hurt, frustration, disappointment. As you said, it sounds like it's too little, too late. 

My strong impression reading your post is that you have acutally already decided in your heart that this is over. However, you feel you owe it to him to try. I personally don't agree with that sentiment because you have already been trying. And nothing changed until just now.  But it's coming far too late. At some point, we have to face hard truths that it's not working and not best for you anymore. 

When the idea of leaving becomes far more appealing than the idea of staying, it's a pretty clear-cut choice. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Blinkblue178 said:

  The though of a life with just me and my daughter, where one day I could meet someone so much more compatible to me, makes me really happy. I am only 31..

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're in an abusive relationship and the alcohol while not constant, simply magnifies that.

Stop trying to repair the relationship or fix and change him. 

Instead talk to your trusted friends and family about the abuse. Talk to your attorney and financial institutions about getting out of the house deal.

Do not discuss your departure with him. Be bland and neutral and only focus on caring for your child.

Start severing finances. Figure out if you want to stay in the house and buy him out or leave and get your half of the cash for it.

After 6 years you know what you are dealing with. And it's not good. You'll be miserable if you stay. 

You could be happy and have a happy life away from him and still co-parent. In fact you'll have more money and quality time for your child because his drinking and abuse will be out of the way. 

Focus solely on the quality of life for your child. And living in a combat zone with a mean drunk is not providing that.